DH organised a surprise night out

[hoolaloola]

First world problem with of back story for context:
For Christmas last year dh gave me a printed voucher for some lessons for a new hobby. He hadn't booked or paid for the lessons but had phoned and enquired. He decided he wouldn't organise the time etc as he thought I would be better doing it. The thing is unless the time is specifically made for me I do not have time to do this. Obviously this has never happened so I have not taken the lessons up.

For Mother's Day he gave me a voucher for a spa. He had organised this with my BF's husband so that we both had the same voucher. Again they hadn't actually organised anything as they thought we would want to decide the dates and treatments etc. However my BF and I have no real interest in a whole day at a spa. It also didn't seem much of a treat to have to organise everything ourselves so we have never done it.

Anyway....Tonight he texts me asking if we have anything on a certain evening next week. I have a hair appointment booked for that night and tell him so. To which he replies that I will have to cancel as he has booked something for us. I don't get my hair done that often and it is always tricky to find the time. It is therefore desperately in need of being done and if I cancelled I would have to wait another three weeks for the next appointment. He won't tell me what he has booked which makes me reluctant to cancel my appointment i.e if he has booked a table at the local curry house I know it is something we can easily do another time whereas if he has booked a show then that is not something so easy to change. He is in a right huff with me and says he can't do anything right or please me.

I can understand that I probably seem ungrateful but am also annoyed that I have to make a choice. Why bother asking me if we had plans if he had already made them. If he had organised this 3 weeks ago I could have changed my appointment in plenty of time. Now however I either get to go out feeling like crap with 2 inches of black roots or I ask him to change the date and deal with him being arsey with me.

Who is being unreasonable?

Wow, opinion is so divided on this thread!

I'm in the "lazy fucker" camp re the spa. Unimaginative, no effort. And I don't interpret the with-her-friend thing as thoughtful. I suspect it's more laziness - just joint laziness with another lazy fucker!

OP, I would tell him you'd love to go out... but you want to look your best for it, and can you go later on after the haircut, or the next night. If he's adamant it can't be re-arranged, then as a one off I'd moonlight on the hairdresser and go to Supercuts!

As for the spa voucher... you don't fancy a spa day, so pick what you do want to do with your mate, choose a date and stick it in the diary. You can have that sorted TOMORROW.

I see some real spoiled brats kicking around here.

I get that bit Fatmomma, but at the moment it is just a sentiment.

Perhaps a firm, ' Take this day and enjoy it... it's all organised and paid for' might work better than, 'Here's a day off if you want it, but you'll need to organise it and ask me directly to pay for it...'

I say this as the mum of 3, one of whom has SN.

I am not down on a homemade voucher at all. However, if when it was given to me he'd have said I have spoken to the teacher. These are the times that are available, I've arranged childcare for dc, paid for a course of 10 and you just need to let me know which is the best time for you, I think I would have been a little more appreciative.
His gifts have been thoughtful and very sweet. He just didn't really think through the practicalities.

I think the homemade vouchers are a cop out and a bit Shit

This is a split thread!

I LIKE the sentiment, Shockers. And the reason it's ONLY sentiment is because she hasn't taken up the offers. I think they're sensitive offers - a new hobby (making her rounded); a spa date with a friend (quality time with a mate, relaxation and being gorgeous). Both gifts which acknowledge her as a person/partner/woman and not just a 'mum'.

He comes across as lovely to me.

I am picking up what others are saying, and I do understand why this thread is split (I do get both sides of this argument), and I am also hanging on to OP saying in the very first line that this is a "first world" problem.

But I don't buy it that her husband is an arse for what he has done.

I am just amazed so many people think you are being unreasonable OP.

I just cannot fathom how his previous 'gifts' can be seen as so great and thoughtful when he has not spent any money, and has left it completely up to you to organise them. That's not a gift! That's an idea for a gift! And it sounds like visiting a spa just isn't something you would particularly enjoy anyway, so that's a doubly terrible gift - something you don't want to do which you have to arrange and pay for yourself? Ugh.

That would be like me telling my non-golfing DH that I've decided he can book himself some rounds of golf for his birthday. He'd think I'd gone nuts

And then just planning an outing without having the courtesy to check that you're free and then trying to insist you cancel a much-needed hair appointment to go and do who knows what? Nah.

He'd be much better off either buying you something tangible, or asking you to tell him a date when you can be free - and then actually organising and paying for a lovely surprise for that date.

YANBU

He hasn't actually given you anything has he? Vague ideas of doing something for yourself but no effort to enable that to happen - pretty shit in my world.
I suggest the next time you get a 'voucher' you make sure you use it, straight away, he can look after the children. I suspect he knows full well you won't because it is too much hassle and he gets the feel good feeling without actually having to do anything!

I don't think YABU either. Although I quite like the non-present IOUs idea and may use that when I can't be arsed to organise a real present.

For his birthday give him a voucher for a blow job. Tell him if he needs to co ordinate his time with you and arrange childcare and then he'll get his present

you know what you sound so ungreatful i hope next time he just slings a fiver in a 20p card from somewhere has he cant win can he really?

doesnt do the organization = its not much of a gift then is it?
does the organization + hes in the wrong because i have a hair appointment..

(i bet if he gave the OP cash she would also complain)

If your so fussy why not tell him exactly what you want rather than moan after 3 attempts because if my DH did that too all my attempted gifts i would tell him to bog off i am not bothering anymore

Well, if there's one good thing to come of all this OP, it's made me be a bit more proactive about the gift I gave my husband for his last birthday! I did a similar thing to your husband in as much as I promised him lessons, but it's for something that he knows WAY more about than me, so although I did a bit of initial research, I didn't want to pick a teacher or book anything without giving him the chance to check it out first. However, I do appreciate that a gift where you have to do the leg-work is a bit of a cop-out so I am going to sit him down, sort out a time that I can free him up to do it and present him with a couple of options that I have researched to ensure that it actually happens.

Perhaps you could suggest that your husband does similar in order to allow you to actually enjoy your gifts - would you rather have an extra couple of classes at the hobby than a spa day? Because if you would then that would make it easier for him and a better gift for you, so it could turn out to be a win-win situation (although I appreciate that it would be nice if he had taken the initiative himself, a bit of a shove in the right direction could help him to redeem himself, at least where the previous gifts are concerned!).

YANBU
My In laws constantly give DH and I what I call 'papertwat presents' BIL had printed a picture of a hotel once for my birthday and said 'you can book to stay there, and I'll help mum mind the kids ' he wasn't even buying us the trip but liked the look of the place.
We both work FT with 3 very young children and other commitments so logistically it's a fucking nightmare to consider a spa day etc without military planning. I would genuinely rather have a bag of jellytots. Get your hair done - priority!

YANBU

All he has done is come up with a couple of ideas of things you could organise for yourself - how on earth is that a gift?

The haircut thing would piss me off beyond all belief, especially as he won't even say what the thing is.

Surprises like that are shit, and all about the 'giver' wanting to have that feeling of excitement on your behalf. Much better if you know and can both plan properly and have genuine anticipation, rather than 'what the hell am I am going to, I hope I don't hate it, I wonder if I'm wearing the right clothes/shoes, ah crap it's lame I wish I had stuck with the haircut'. And the resentment on both sides when you don't universally adore said surprise will be huge.

He's treating you like a teenage girlfriend - homemade non-vouchers (because he hasn't actually organised anything before everyone jumps), surprise outings. Tell him to treat you like a grown woman.

You sound like a pain OP and I actually feel bad for your DH !
My mother is a mother of four, plus childminder so has always been sharing her days among 8+ kids and she has always managed to find time to appreciate and enjoy the few voucher she received.

I personally find it totally normal to offer a voucher and let the recipient chose the date and time that is most practical for him/her as you may well have had another hair appointment on the day he would have chosen and came here to complain about it anyway.

It doesn't seem like you made any effort to even try making it work so I don't even see the point in him bothering giving you gifts that won't live up to your standards anyway. Poor block.

Do you/he get leisure time in general? Could you book the lessons he got you ages ago now? And the spa? Would he pay for them and sort out domestic stuff and childcare so you could go?

"I have more than my plate than you and could easily make time for this"; "I'd be grateful for a sweet wrapper"; and "you sound like a pain"

Wow. Just Wow.

He made vouchers because you say yourself you are so busy. If he had booked definite dates, then you would have probably been too busy to go and it would have been wasted. The fact that you say you couldn't make time for your hobby because you are too busy, is ridiculous. You could have said 'dh these are the dates I can do, can you call and see if any fit and book it' The same with the spa day. You don't need to arrange it all.

Then because you are not happy with this arrangement, he makes a decision and books something with a definite date and you are still pissed off. Its sounds to me (whether anyone agrees with the voucher situation) that he is attempting to do what you want him to do. Make definite plans. He did it and you are annoyed. What is it you actually want him to do?

If he had booked dates for the other 2 presents, this same situation would have likely presented itself, he would have booked it for a date you couldn't do. This situation has proved he did the right thing by not booking the dates, previously.

You weren't happy with things he has done in the past, so he changed how he does things and you are still pissed off. Personally I wouldn't change my hair appointments because I have to book 2 or 3 in advance to get in, so I get that. But I also wouldn't be pissed off with dh for trying to do something I had asked him to do.

Me and dh do this all the time-for valentine's he bought me a red letter day thing for champagne afternoon tea. I gave him a hand made theatre voucher-we have combined the two and are off for our fabulous valentine's weekend tomorrow.

I did the booking for my present and for his.

He arranged the child care for my present and for us.

Neither of us sulked about it.

Grow up.

Do you know what OP, I think you sound descent, hard working and reasonable.

Your DP sounds like a lovely sweet man.

You are lucky to have each other.

Now how can this work? How about going to this thing and sod the hair for now. Go, have fun and then book yourself in for that spa day when your DP can have the children. Sounds like you bloody deserve it!

I think dark roots can look striking and much better than grey roots I am sporting

Hope you do go and love it. Report back.

YANBU
My dcs are now old enough to be left but I would not want to cancel a hair appointment for something unclear. When you book an appointment it is at a convenient time and requires thought. Telling you that you are going out and have to cancel something you have chosen to do and booked for something unknown is thoughtless and diminishes your own wishes. Booking you on a spa day with a friend is not taking your wishes into account if you've never said you wanted to go or shown any interest in going - he has just assumed that as they are marketed for women & you are a woman that it is appropriate.

YABVU.
He can't win. He'll probably just give up trying to do anything nice now and no wonder. Bayliss and Harding gift sets is the way he should go.
If you've already got two inches of black roots then another three or even six weeks isn't actually going to make much difference.

I am firmly in the YANBU camp.

What, so on two occasions he sat down and spent two minutes on making a 'voucher' for a gift that you need to organise yourself and pay for as well?

Big whoop for him.

Lazy and not actually very thoughtful. Pretty much sounds like he's magnanimously giving you permission to theoretically take some time off, but not actually doing any of the things that might enable you to actually do so...

I think you need to stop waiting for him to gift you these imaginary days off, and just factor one into your life every month, or maybe once every two months if it's a logistical nightmare.

I think he should tell you what the surprise is.

And he needs to learn to ask you about plans first, and then plan surprises after he's sure the day is free!

Sure he's entitled to feel a little huffy, because he was pleased with himself and was trying to do a nice thing, but he's also been a bit of an idiot and his refusal to tell you what he's got planned is a bit silly.