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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To already be severely pissed off?

132 replies

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 17:04

My Dad has just had surgery. I made a thread here last week about my "mother" expecting me to take time off my voluntary work to look after him and I refused- and still stand by that.

So I spent yesterday and Monday arguing arguing with her about this- apparently her social life will suffer if she misses "important engagements"- and by that I mean golf games and lunches with friends. I work 4.5 days a week at the moment but want that to change soon- i'm applying like crazy for paid jobs but not getting anywhere at the moment which I guess is adding to my frustration.

I don't have a problem pitching in AT ALL- as I said in my other thread I do the majority of the housework and cook most meals- both 95% of the time. I do live rent free and I 100% appreciate that- but it can get a bit much working all afternoon, doing the shopping, cooking tea, washing and ironing and then cleaning the bathrooms and hoovering to her exact standards. It would be completely different if she worked of course and was out of the house all day- but she goes out, comes home and sits in the conservatory/lounge/garden drinking wine and then bosses me about to do the housework. So I think expecting me to give up my job (voluntary or not) so she can go out and socialise is taking the biscuit a little bit.

Last night my severely sick aunt was rushed into hospital- I went to visit, because that's what family does. Mum refused- they don't get on otherwise but if it was my brother (considering the fact we don't get on at all) i'd drop what I was doing and drive to the moon to visit him if he was as ill as she was. I didn't get home until later as the hospital she was in is a good 40 miles away and obviously wanted to stay as long as I could- and then I had to do the cleaning before bed. I didn't get to bed until gone 1am.

So today. D came out of hospital- Mum got a call at 8am to come and pick him up. More important to go out to golf- so she woke me up to go and do it. I let it slide. I should probably add here- that we were told on Monday it was highly likely he would be coming home today and she arranged her golf game on Monday night.

Then the rest of the day- i've been sent to THREE different supermarkets for things he demanded he had- one of which was on the way back from the hospital, but no- he couldn't wait 2 minutes while I nipped in to buy the ONE THING from that supermarket he wanted. So I drove home and drove 20 miles back to pick it up and on to the other supermarkets.

On the way back he calls and asks me to pick up something from the PO and to go to the bank for him- not a problem. I then got home and he complained that his ice cream had gone soft in the back of the car. Not sure what he expected as it had to sit in the back of a hot car, on a hottest day for an hour while I parked up in town, had to walk a way (as the central car parks were full) to the Post Office and bank, que in both places and then walk back and drive home.

I got home- and literally 2 minutes in the door with 20 bags of shopping I was asked "have you put my lunch on yet?". no i fucking haven't. Spent an hour prepping and cooking his lunch for him to complain that it doesn't taste how Mum makes it. I wanted to throw it over his fucking head.

And to top it off- i've been called a "lazy bitch" because I had 6 hours sleep last night and I haven't done the hoovering yet and decided to have an hours nap instead because i'll be going back to the hospital at 6.

God knows what delights are in store tomorrow when I get up for work Grin

AIBU? Really?!

OP posts:
ovumahead · 16/05/2015 20:00

How are you doing, sherbet?

sherbetlemonD · 16/05/2015 22:08

Not great. Had a big fight with M on Thursday night so I couldn't go to work tomorrow as I was too frightened. Boss was quite sour with me today so looks like I won't last long, things have been going off track for a while though. Sigh. Sad

Thanks for checking in, ovuamahead- means a lot. Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/05/2015 22:11

Please phone womans aid and arrange to leave, this is no life for you Flowers

catzpyjamas · 16/05/2015 22:15

Sherbet, please call them!

BaronVonShush · 16/05/2015 22:19

I care about you. Your situation is shocking and well, I am lost for words.

Lots of people have posted about how to get help. I hope that you seek it out soon. Tonight maybe. Just to talk to someone.

I just wanted to add my voice to those who care about you and what's happening to you. Flowers

Gabilan · 16/05/2015 22:23

Sherbet it might be worth sitting down with your boss and telling her a bit about what's going on. Worst case, she's unsympathetic, which might knock you a bit. Best case she'll help you out. Even as a volunteer, an employer does still have a duty of care towards you.

It's very difficult when you're being continually undermined, especially by people who are supposed to care about you and support you, to stay healthy. If phoning someone up feels overwhelming, try emailing some of what you've written here to WA or Samaritans. You don't have to live like this or feel like this.

sherbetlemonD · 16/05/2015 22:29

She knows. We are supposed to be close- and she's supposed to be there for me (her words; might I add) but i'm honestly not so sure. I can't post too much about that on here as IT WILL out me. But if anyone thinks they can offer me some advice then feel free to PM me as i'm V confused.

I honestly don't know what to say to anyone. I guess email is my best bet.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/05/2015 22:32

Email is good for contacting in the first instance as you get it over in a rational way.

What type of work experience do you have and roughly where in the country do you live?

BaronVonShush · 16/05/2015 22:35

I also second a temp agency. I got work very quickly with an agency. If you are smart and have a relatively nice telephone manner you can get receptionist cover work straight away I think. That's what happened to me.

If you rang Samaritans you could ask them to listen to something you want to read, and then just read your original post?

StupidBloodyKindle · 16/05/2015 22:42

Au pair or housekeeper if you want to move out and have somewhere to go to with roof, board and a wage.
Temping agency if you want paid work, any work, to save up for an escape fund.

sherbetlemonD · 16/05/2015 22:54

I've just got my 6 months charity experience. Don't have many qualifications. Thinking about trying an online access course again but don't think I can concentrate on something like that at the moment.

Just composed an email to Samaritans. Now all i've got to do is gather the nerve to send. I assume its all 100% confidential?

OP posts:
catzpyjamas · 16/05/2015 22:58

100%. Press send sweetheart Flowers

ChasedByBees · 16/05/2015 22:59

It is Sherbet. Best of luck.

sherbetlemonD · 16/05/2015 23:05

Sent.

OP posts:
BaronVonShush · 16/05/2015 23:09

Great job. First step to good things for you Flowers

Gabilan · 16/05/2015 23:29

Good stuff, Sherbet, re. sending the email.

I'm supposed to be having an early night and it's already late. Will post more tomorrow re. your boss. All I'll say for now is that IME when your self esteem is low, it can make it difficult to judge what others are saying and doing.

catzpyjamas · 16/05/2015 23:35

You Star Well done!

ovumahead · 17/05/2015 05:50

Great work sherbet! Well done for sending that email. Maybe now you've done that one, send the same to women's aid - samaritans are counselling and may not offer the direct advice you need. Women's aid may do - not sure, but they might. Really best of luck. We're here with you all the way!

RandomMess · 17/05/2015 07:02

Well done for sending the email Flowers

LindyHemming · 17/05/2015 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VixxFace · 17/05/2015 08:28

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Do something about your situation. You write threads complaining but do nothing about it.

SuperFlyHigh · 17/05/2015 09:58

I don't know about your situation op but I do know it can be hard to change.

I also know various people like my Australian friend so if you had an urge to move to london I'd see what I could do.

Meantime do you have any savings or someone willing to lend you money or even ebay etc some stuff? Because you will need money and it'd be an idea to think of that side now.

AlpacaPicnic · 17/05/2015 10:30

Oh well done for being brave. It must have been so scary but you did it! You are so much stronger than you think.
People do care. People in here care, and will always offer you support and an ear if you ever want to just vent. You are not alone x

Gabilan · 17/05/2015 19:08

"she's supposed to be there for me (her words; might I add) but i'm honestly not so sure"

Sherbet, it's very difficult to tell from what you say on here what the situation is with your boss. That's kindly meant btw - it's true about many situations someone describes on the internet.

I suspect what's happening is this - she does care about you. I care about my volunteers and it goes well beyond being bothered about the work they do for me, although that too is appreciated. However, she will, like all of us, have a lot of other things going on. So whilst I expect she wants to help, she also cannot take on everything. This is no reflection on either you or her. It's just that we all have to juggle a lot of responsibilities.

I also think that when you're in the position that you're in - where people you should be able to trust are abusing you - it becomes very difficult to trust your judgment about other people. Thus it may be that your boss cares a lot, but you're quite understandably too traumatised to see it. It's great that you've reached out and asked for help. Would you be able to send the same email or similar to Women's Aid? Samaritans are good at listening. WA will be able to offer more practical help.

Be kind to yourself. You are allowed to have a better life than this.

VelvetRose · 17/05/2015 19:20

You really, really do deserve better Sherbert. I'm so glad you sent that email.

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