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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To already be severely pissed off?

132 replies

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 17:04

My Dad has just had surgery. I made a thread here last week about my "mother" expecting me to take time off my voluntary work to look after him and I refused- and still stand by that.

So I spent yesterday and Monday arguing arguing with her about this- apparently her social life will suffer if she misses "important engagements"- and by that I mean golf games and lunches with friends. I work 4.5 days a week at the moment but want that to change soon- i'm applying like crazy for paid jobs but not getting anywhere at the moment which I guess is adding to my frustration.

I don't have a problem pitching in AT ALL- as I said in my other thread I do the majority of the housework and cook most meals- both 95% of the time. I do live rent free and I 100% appreciate that- but it can get a bit much working all afternoon, doing the shopping, cooking tea, washing and ironing and then cleaning the bathrooms and hoovering to her exact standards. It would be completely different if she worked of course and was out of the house all day- but she goes out, comes home and sits in the conservatory/lounge/garden drinking wine and then bosses me about to do the housework. So I think expecting me to give up my job (voluntary or not) so she can go out and socialise is taking the biscuit a little bit.

Last night my severely sick aunt was rushed into hospital- I went to visit, because that's what family does. Mum refused- they don't get on otherwise but if it was my brother (considering the fact we don't get on at all) i'd drop what I was doing and drive to the moon to visit him if he was as ill as she was. I didn't get home until later as the hospital she was in is a good 40 miles away and obviously wanted to stay as long as I could- and then I had to do the cleaning before bed. I didn't get to bed until gone 1am.

So today. D came out of hospital- Mum got a call at 8am to come and pick him up. More important to go out to golf- so she woke me up to go and do it. I let it slide. I should probably add here- that we were told on Monday it was highly likely he would be coming home today and she arranged her golf game on Monday night.

Then the rest of the day- i've been sent to THREE different supermarkets for things he demanded he had- one of which was on the way back from the hospital, but no- he couldn't wait 2 minutes while I nipped in to buy the ONE THING from that supermarket he wanted. So I drove home and drove 20 miles back to pick it up and on to the other supermarkets.

On the way back he calls and asks me to pick up something from the PO and to go to the bank for him- not a problem. I then got home and he complained that his ice cream had gone soft in the back of the car. Not sure what he expected as it had to sit in the back of a hot car, on a hottest day for an hour while I parked up in town, had to walk a way (as the central car parks were full) to the Post Office and bank, que in both places and then walk back and drive home.

I got home- and literally 2 minutes in the door with 20 bags of shopping I was asked "have you put my lunch on yet?". no i fucking haven't. Spent an hour prepping and cooking his lunch for him to complain that it doesn't taste how Mum makes it. I wanted to throw it over his fucking head.

And to top it off- i've been called a "lazy bitch" because I had 6 hours sleep last night and I haven't done the hoovering yet and decided to have an hours nap instead because i'll be going back to the hospital at 6.

God knows what delights are in store tomorrow when I get up for work Grin

AIBU? Really?!

OP posts:
HubertCumberdale · 14/05/2015 14:07

OP I hope you've managed to get the help you need. It's time for your life to begin properly.

PippaPug · 14/05/2015 15:53

Where are you based? Maybe you could meet up with a friendly MNer for a coffee? X

sherbetlemonD · 14/05/2015 20:42

Thank you everyone, really. I didn't call Samaritans in the end. I just didn't know what to say and froze. Had a bad day a work too, guess i've just got to stop pretending people care Sad

OP posts:
Liara · 14/05/2015 21:19

What do you mean you have to stop pretending people care?

I am sure many people do care, but it is difficult to do anything about a situation like yours unless you reach out. Please do, there are people who can help you get out of this.

SweetPeaSoup · 14/05/2015 21:30

I care, and I don't know you. You know that it's not right to live this way - can you imagine your life in 5 years? 10?

It's a big and scary thing to do, to set out on your own, but you can do it. There's some sterling advice up thread - esp about claiming what you're entitled to.

sherbetlemonD · 14/05/2015 21:32

I've tried. I have a boss who is supposed to be a friend- but honestly? I'm starting to think she's saying that because she needs my help at work and nothing else.

OP posts:
ovumahead · 14/05/2015 21:33

People here care. I care. I don't know you, but I care. I have been checking thks thread today to see how you've been getting on. Don't talk yourself out of change.

thismumismad · 14/05/2015 21:53

Go see your gp. If they sign you off sick you can claim esa. It's done over the phone, then call women's aid. You are allowed to do paid work up to £100 per week on esa too without affecting benefits for the first year. If you are not appreciated in your voluntary work please just leave, it's not worth your mental health. Perhaps a referral to SS would get you the help you need to get you on your feet, ask gp for that too. I'm in my forties and was abused similarly between the ages of 3 and 6 and I'm still being affected by it now. Don't let them have that hold over you a minute longer, you deserve so much more.

thismumismad · 14/05/2015 21:54

That was painful for me to write, please take the steps you need to escape.

todayisayesterdaystomorrow · 14/05/2015 22:01

Leave home, start planning an escape route. Tell them you have an evening job, even if you don't, at least they will have to work out how to manage without you slave I know it's easy for me to say, but they are abusive, piss takers.

Momagain1 · 15/05/2015 12:39

Sherbert: please believe us, we do care. You are in a terrible position and we do care that you move into a safe place and build a better life for yourself. But none of us, no friend or boss, can ride in and rescue you. You have to reach out to grab hold of the lifelines that are there. Lot of good advice here. Keep rereading it until you have the nerve to try and try again.

DontTurnAround · 15/05/2015 12:55

Oh Sherbert I just want to come get you and bring you home with me. No-one should have to put up with this.

Can you cut down your voluntary hours and look at temping? Register with all your local agencies. Speak to CAB and local council regarding housing etc. Please, please get out I know it will be hard but you deserve better than this

HubertCumberdale · 15/05/2015 14:12

Sherbert, look how many people on this site care. I bet more people care IRL than you realise.
It sounds like your boss could be a very good place to start. Not only is she a friend but as your employer she has a duty of care for you. Can you say to her, very plainly, that you need help? It may be easier if you just have someone to hand hold whilst you put the wheels in motion.

Gabilan · 15/05/2015 20:19

"guess i've just got to stop pretending people care"

Sherbert, when you're being really down on yourself, it is very difficult to hear anything good about yourself. If your self esteem is really low, compliments can be difficult, almost painful, because you don't have the ability to believe them. This is depression, it's your illness, not you and it's not surprising you are ill given the situation.

This is the Samaritans number: 08457 90 90 90. They are very positive and very kind. You can contact them without feeling you need to say anything special. They are used to this, it's what they do. Read out your first post here if you like. Honestly, they really are lovely and kind and used to people sobbing down the phone at them!

This is the Women's Aid national helpline 0808 2000 247. I don't have experience with them but other people have recommended them and I'm sure they'll try to help you.

Also, try reading this about the Find Mike campaign my.rethink.org/my/mike1/quest.aspx?gclid=CMCn9ru6xMUCFaQIwwodDaUA7Q If you think people don't care about you and can't accept that they do, this might help you see the kindness of strangers. The most unexpected people picked me up when I was down. Yes, it is hard that there are some people out there who aren't as caring as they might be, but there are plenty of people who will help you if you keep reaching out.

PandaMummyofOne · 15/05/2015 20:55

Ermmm ok. Seriously you are not being unreasonable, but this has surely this has got to be some form of abuse no offence meant to anyone with that I'm all for helping out, but this is taking the absolute p**s.

minkGrundy · 15/05/2015 21:10

Op you can also email WA.

If they hit you again, I would consider calling 101 and talking to the police. They don't have to come and see your parents if you don't want them too but they can record it in case you need evidence later. E.g. to get an order to prevent them coming after you when you do get away (when not if because you can do this).

It allso means the police will have some background if e.g. you need some assisstance when it comes time to go.

Good luck OP. Truly sorry you are having such an awful time.

As another suggestion, if/when your aunt comes out of hospital could you stay with her?

maddening · 15/05/2015 21:39

Call women's aid - ask them for help, you are escaping an abusive relationship if you feel you have to leave the area you live in so they don't come and get you.

if there are no jobs in the area and you have no friends tying you there look to see where jobs you could do are, instead of volunteering you could study/gain qualifications. You can get a fresh start and by getting in to a more job rich area you might find yourself in employment soon - your commitment to voluntary work will be great for your cv.

Once you decide you are going to do this - which is the moment you start investigating ways to leave - you might just realise that this is a big crossroad in your life and you have the chance to build the life you want - it might be scary but think about the exciting potential you have.

Research, get stuff together, make a plan, work out what you want to do.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/05/2015 22:03

I just wanted to say there are ways out live in hotel work, au pair, temping etc

I'd cut right back on voluntary work as its not paying and you need work which pays and to get out!

I met an Australian temp the other week, been here 10 months but she got temp care work for elderly lady (more companion than carer) and she'd drive her to appts, run errands etc. This carried on sadly until old lady had to go into a home. Then she temped, and now she's found a permanent customer services advisor job where they make jute bags but also supply/make food - anyway part of the deal is they get breakfast and lunch free every day! She can also walk 20 minutes to work rather than bus/train/tube. She got that job through a friend who worked there.

Anyway op you have no idea who may help you here, offer you a job etc. You just need to get out and go NC with your parents.

Take care.

Buttercup27 · 15/05/2015 22:06

Is your name cinderella?

RandomMess · 15/05/2015 22:08

Please ring Woman's Aid you are in an abusive situation.

Summer season is starting - yes yes to live in work in the tourist industry or caring or anything really!

Opi · 15/05/2015 23:11

Hi there. You remind me of me Sherbet.

You are going to be OK, one day you will look back to now and see your pain without feeling it.

Right now it feels huge because it is relentless. Many many people understand.

Ask me back then to ring a helpline, and it was too much to handle, but stay in the battle of each and every moment? So hard

You are stronger than you realise.
These words are for you Sherbet: change will bring and end to your pain.

Not big change. Start with no commitment, no overwhelming claims or forms or questions or 'must dos' it all happens at your pace, your comfort. One small suck-it-and-see like a sherbet lemon deed, no comebacks or any more fear than you already have - tell your now story. That's all.

"Hi, I really need someone to talk to someone about what's going on for me right now. Can I talk to you?"

"Yes I'd like to hear"

"I don't even know if what I'm experiencing in abuse, so I don't even know if I should be ringing you"...

Many many people understand. Know how hard it is. Know so much about living with what you are experiencing. Will listen.

I didn't phone Women's Aid, I phoned the domestic abuse helpline in my area, a number I had had for a very long time.

I put a hug and hope in my hand and blow them to you Sherbet.

xxOpi

AlpacaPicnic · 16/05/2015 00:07

Sherbet ... You are being abused. There is currently a case in my home town of a family who are accused of keeping slaves in their house. The only difference in the slaves story and what you have told us on here is that the slaves are not related to their captors.

Did you know you can contact the Samaritans via email. I believe you can also instant message them online. Would you find that easier? You can always start by copying your posts on here to them.

mimishimmi · 16/05/2015 00:10

You need to move out...

AlpacaPicnic · 16/05/2015 00:10

contact options for the samaritans

Many contact options are available, sadly not IM but email and personal visits.

You can do this. You can escape.

catzpyjamas · 16/05/2015 00:22

Dear Lord, Sherbet, this is slavery. Please do what you pp have suggested and contact Samaritans or Womens Aid. Email them your OP.
No one should live like this and your parents DO NOT DESERVE your love or loyalty. You are worth much much more. Flowers

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