Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To already be severely pissed off?

132 replies

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 17:04

My Dad has just had surgery. I made a thread here last week about my "mother" expecting me to take time off my voluntary work to look after him and I refused- and still stand by that.

So I spent yesterday and Monday arguing arguing with her about this- apparently her social life will suffer if she misses "important engagements"- and by that I mean golf games and lunches with friends. I work 4.5 days a week at the moment but want that to change soon- i'm applying like crazy for paid jobs but not getting anywhere at the moment which I guess is adding to my frustration.

I don't have a problem pitching in AT ALL- as I said in my other thread I do the majority of the housework and cook most meals- both 95% of the time. I do live rent free and I 100% appreciate that- but it can get a bit much working all afternoon, doing the shopping, cooking tea, washing and ironing and then cleaning the bathrooms and hoovering to her exact standards. It would be completely different if she worked of course and was out of the house all day- but she goes out, comes home and sits in the conservatory/lounge/garden drinking wine and then bosses me about to do the housework. So I think expecting me to give up my job (voluntary or not) so she can go out and socialise is taking the biscuit a little bit.

Last night my severely sick aunt was rushed into hospital- I went to visit, because that's what family does. Mum refused- they don't get on otherwise but if it was my brother (considering the fact we don't get on at all) i'd drop what I was doing and drive to the moon to visit him if he was as ill as she was. I didn't get home until later as the hospital she was in is a good 40 miles away and obviously wanted to stay as long as I could- and then I had to do the cleaning before bed. I didn't get to bed until gone 1am.

So today. D came out of hospital- Mum got a call at 8am to come and pick him up. More important to go out to golf- so she woke me up to go and do it. I let it slide. I should probably add here- that we were told on Monday it was highly likely he would be coming home today and she arranged her golf game on Monday night.

Then the rest of the day- i've been sent to THREE different supermarkets for things he demanded he had- one of which was on the way back from the hospital, but no- he couldn't wait 2 minutes while I nipped in to buy the ONE THING from that supermarket he wanted. So I drove home and drove 20 miles back to pick it up and on to the other supermarkets.

On the way back he calls and asks me to pick up something from the PO and to go to the bank for him- not a problem. I then got home and he complained that his ice cream had gone soft in the back of the car. Not sure what he expected as it had to sit in the back of a hot car, on a hottest day for an hour while I parked up in town, had to walk a way (as the central car parks were full) to the Post Office and bank, que in both places and then walk back and drive home.

I got home- and literally 2 minutes in the door with 20 bags of shopping I was asked "have you put my lunch on yet?". no i fucking haven't. Spent an hour prepping and cooking his lunch for him to complain that it doesn't taste how Mum makes it. I wanted to throw it over his fucking head.

And to top it off- i've been called a "lazy bitch" because I had 6 hours sleep last night and I haven't done the hoovering yet and decided to have an hours nap instead because i'll be going back to the hospital at 6.

God knows what delights are in store tomorrow when I get up for work Grin

AIBU? Really?!

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 13/05/2015 21:49

Asking because I found it very very easy to live in hotel work despite no experience when I was between jobs when younger. Gumtree has ads.

woowoo22 · 13/05/2015 21:49

*to get

Gabilan · 13/05/2015 21:55

Sherbert, without wanting to put a dampener on things, be careful about JSA. The DWP do their level best to obstruct claims. If you are doing voluntary work they might cause trouble for you. To claim JSA you are meant to be available for work and, so the story goes, volunteering makes that difficult.

I think perhaps try CAB first to talk to them about routes out and they can talk to you about what benefits you are entitled to. I'm really not trying to be obstructive and others on here may well think differently. However, I have claimed JSA in the fairly recent past and my experience is that the DWP are bastards to deal with. I don't want you to go from one depressing situation (with your parents) to another (claiming JSA) without a little bit of warning. Don't be disheartened if claiming JSA is a bit difficult, keep at it.

flippinada · 13/05/2015 22:03

You poor thing, this is no way to live. Your parents are abusing you horribly. I think you've posted about them before, haven't you? If so, I'm so sorry this is still going on. If you haven't I'm still sorry. They are horrible people.

Please do get in touch with Women's Aid. You may also find it helpful to speak to Shelter about getting somewhere else to live . If your GP is sympathetic then please also speak to them. There is help out there Thanks.

Usernamegone · 13/05/2015 22:04

Please call Women's Aid. I had to find somewhere to live then load up the car to drive to my new place whilst my dad was at work then I switched off my phone for the weekend! I couldn't tell my dad beforehand as he would have smashed up the house and my belonging and thrown me out! Don't tell them where you live. The hardest thing is getting out.

LoobysMummy14 · 13/05/2015 22:19

Jesus! Just leave and think about the consequences afterwards! They sound awful, nannying is a good way of getting away especially if you do live in.. or infact any live in job will do! Just get out of there!

Fingers crossed for you i know how you feel so you arent alone! Just please get out of that horrid house pack up your stuff and go!

LoobysMummy14 · 13/05/2015 22:21

You could be entitled to universal credit or income support as well check it out..

Usernamegone · 13/05/2015 22:43

Do you have any friends with a spare room/spare sofa who could put you up for a few weeks whilst you get JSA and other benefits sorted?

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 22:52

Thank you everyone. Just had another massive blow up argument because I didn't want her coming in my room while I was getting ready for bed. WTH. Just because some people are happy flashing their muff to all and sundry doesn't mean everyone else is.

I don't really have friends unfortunately User.

Waiting for her to fall asleep and going to try gather the courage to talk to Samaritans- I assume they are 24/7.

Really though everyone- thanks Flowers

OP posts:
EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 22:59

The samaritans are 24/7 please do call them. I agree with the suggestions for live in housekeeper/hotel work, you are clearly experienced in cleaning and at least this way you would get paid for it

Gabilan · 13/05/2015 23:00

Yes, Samaritans are 24/7. They are lovely and friendly.

Invading your privacy is part of the abusive behaviour sherbert. You can get out and you can find something better for yourself. It will take time, but you can do it. Good luck!

ovumahead · 13/05/2015 23:10

Samaritans won't necessarily give you advice but will just listen - sounds like you need someone to talk to, but you also need someone to sign post you to helpful agencies and organisations. Really good luck. You sound absolutely lovely - you will and can get through this!

Meow75 · 13/05/2015 23:22

You can initiate your JSA application online. I did last year, then you are invited to an initial interview.

Having said that, how are they over your privacy re: Mail?! If you think any DWP envelopes will get opened and give you trouble, have a chat with CAB/Job Centre on that score too.

Usernamegone · 13/05/2015 23:58

If you don't feel you can pack and leave you may find it helpful to make a list of things you do need to do so you can break free as the thought of leaving can be overwhelming but I found it helped to break it into smaller tasks e.g.

Call Samaritans
Find passport, birth certificate, NI number, driving license and put these in a safe place where you can quickly retrieve them if need be.
Pack an emergency bag in case you need to leave quickly.
Is there any way you could leave some belongings safely at work?
Call women's aid

GloGirl · 14/05/2015 00:33

Call for help

There is so much more to life

MidniteScribbler · 14/05/2015 00:55

The reason they don't want you to apply for JSA is because it is another measure of control over you. While you are dependent on them for housing/food/etc then they can force you to live at home and be their slave. Get out.

Have you thought about looking for an overseas au pair job? Not brilliant money, but your own room and independence, and it gets you out of your parents clutches for at least a year.

BritabroadinAsia · 14/05/2015 01:47

Not much advice to add to all above, but hope you have managed to speak to Samaritans?

You say that you don't have friends in RL, but there are a number of strangers on the internet here who clearly see that your situation is untenable, and care about what is happening to you.

Usernamegone's list above is excellent. Taking this in small steps and having a plan can be empowering. Remember, you do have skills in household management/cleaning which will be attractive to hotel or private employers offering accommodation, as pp have said. What about transferable skills from your voluntary job, which you are clearly committed to? Your work ethic shines through from your post, and I'm sure that many employers would be delighted to have you.

I know that this all might sound overwhelming at the moment, but please take all the support out there which is available, as your horrible situation certainly warrants it. Flowers

FireCanal · 14/05/2015 02:05

Focus all your energy on getting out. A live-in hotel job could be a great stepping stone if you can find one. Once you are out you can re-group and plan for the future at your own pace. And getting a job is always easier once you already have one. They are treating you horribly, you owe them nothing.
Best of luck Flowers

AwkwardSquad · 14/05/2015 06:43

Or an au-pair? That's also live-in so could be a good option to get you out of their house. If you can get to a library, try looking up au-pair agencies. I'm pretty sure you can get au-pair placements in your own country.

AwkwardSquad · 14/05/2015 06:47

Here's another option - full time live-in volunteering via CSV. I did this, many years ago - it's a great way to leave home in a supported way. I really recommend it. CSV

Royalsighness · 14/05/2015 06:56

Join a Kibbutz! Leave the country and get away from the pair of utter dicks. My parents used to be like this with me, I cooked and cleaned all day and they used to even comment about me using the toilet "off to use the toilet AGAIN" "going for another shit?" Just nasty people taking advantage while I was at a low ebb.
I hope you get out soon

BullshitS70 · 14/05/2015 11:52

Op what did the samaritans say?

paxtecum · 14/05/2015 12:02

Op: Follow up AckwardSquads advice about being a live-in volunteer.
You could progress from there to live in housekeeper in the future.

Elllimam · 14/05/2015 12:21

How are things now OP? What did the Samaritans say? Hope you are ok.

cashewnutty · 14/05/2015 13:48

Your parents are abusing you and you need to get out of their grip just as quickly as you can. They are treating you like a live in servant and that is no way to live. Please tread carefully and keep safe.