Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To already be severely pissed off?

132 replies

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 17:04

My Dad has just had surgery. I made a thread here last week about my "mother" expecting me to take time off my voluntary work to look after him and I refused- and still stand by that.

So I spent yesterday and Monday arguing arguing with her about this- apparently her social life will suffer if she misses "important engagements"- and by that I mean golf games and lunches with friends. I work 4.5 days a week at the moment but want that to change soon- i'm applying like crazy for paid jobs but not getting anywhere at the moment which I guess is adding to my frustration.

I don't have a problem pitching in AT ALL- as I said in my other thread I do the majority of the housework and cook most meals- both 95% of the time. I do live rent free and I 100% appreciate that- but it can get a bit much working all afternoon, doing the shopping, cooking tea, washing and ironing and then cleaning the bathrooms and hoovering to her exact standards. It would be completely different if she worked of course and was out of the house all day- but she goes out, comes home and sits in the conservatory/lounge/garden drinking wine and then bosses me about to do the housework. So I think expecting me to give up my job (voluntary or not) so she can go out and socialise is taking the biscuit a little bit.

Last night my severely sick aunt was rushed into hospital- I went to visit, because that's what family does. Mum refused- they don't get on otherwise but if it was my brother (considering the fact we don't get on at all) i'd drop what I was doing and drive to the moon to visit him if he was as ill as she was. I didn't get home until later as the hospital she was in is a good 40 miles away and obviously wanted to stay as long as I could- and then I had to do the cleaning before bed. I didn't get to bed until gone 1am.

So today. D came out of hospital- Mum got a call at 8am to come and pick him up. More important to go out to golf- so she woke me up to go and do it. I let it slide. I should probably add here- that we were told on Monday it was highly likely he would be coming home today and she arranged her golf game on Monday night.

Then the rest of the day- i've been sent to THREE different supermarkets for things he demanded he had- one of which was on the way back from the hospital, but no- he couldn't wait 2 minutes while I nipped in to buy the ONE THING from that supermarket he wanted. So I drove home and drove 20 miles back to pick it up and on to the other supermarkets.

On the way back he calls and asks me to pick up something from the PO and to go to the bank for him- not a problem. I then got home and he complained that his ice cream had gone soft in the back of the car. Not sure what he expected as it had to sit in the back of a hot car, on a hottest day for an hour while I parked up in town, had to walk a way (as the central car parks were full) to the Post Office and bank, que in both places and then walk back and drive home.

I got home- and literally 2 minutes in the door with 20 bags of shopping I was asked "have you put my lunch on yet?". no i fucking haven't. Spent an hour prepping and cooking his lunch for him to complain that it doesn't taste how Mum makes it. I wanted to throw it over his fucking head.

And to top it off- i've been called a "lazy bitch" because I had 6 hours sleep last night and I haven't done the hoovering yet and decided to have an hours nap instead because i'll be going back to the hospital at 6.

God knows what delights are in store tomorrow when I get up for work Grin

AIBU? Really?!

OP posts:
PeachyPants · 13/05/2015 20:42

Can you claim any benefits? Can you look for paid work? You don't deserve to be treated like this, things will only get worse, start planning your escape. Flowers

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 20:46

My parents won't let me claim JSA while i'm living here- too shameful apparently, and yes- they will find out somehow.

I'm trying really hard to get paid work- but i'm not getting anywhere yet Sad.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 13/05/2015 20:48

Do you have any friends you could move in with on a very temp basis then apply to the council?

Join a temp agency, I was working 9-5 five days a week within days of signing up with an admin agency.

Refuse to do the ridiculous amount of chores. If they throw you out as a consequence you become priority for the council.

PeachyPants · 13/05/2015 20:50

What would you think if you read another woman's story on MN who was being treated by her partner in the way that your parents treat you sherbetlemonD? My guess is that you'd recognise it as abuse, the longer you stay the more trapped you will become. What would happen if you claim JSA, what would they do?

Liara · 13/05/2015 20:51

Sign up for JSA anyway - if they kick you out (and trust me, they won't, you are far too convenient to them) then you can get help from the council with housing.

Gabilan · 13/05/2015 20:54

"I literally have £3.42 to my name and i'm terrified."

They know this and they are exploiting it. Join a temp agency, get some paid work, move into a shared house. Tell your parents to fuck off.

Work out what it is that terrifies you e.g. being broke, being homeless. Then work out ways around it so you have a step by step plan in place for when you move out. But get out before your self esteem gets even lower and your MH is affected.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2015 20:54

move out*

MammaTJ · 13/05/2015 20:54

How old are you OP?

If I knew you in RL I would be inclined to phone SS on your behalf and have you classed as a vulnerable adult (if over 18) and a vulnerable minor (if under 18. Claim JSA and get all the help(such as it is) that comes with that as well as the money.

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 13/05/2015 20:55

Please sign up for JSA. I agree with what Liara said; they won't throw you out because where are they going to find another unpaid slave? That is how you're being treated. Please, take that one step for yourself. Sign up for JSA and take it from there. You can do this.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 13/05/2015 20:58

I think you need to put your foot down and stop enabling them to do this to you

Get signed up for a temp agency and get the hell out of dodge

You shouldnt be running around to 3 different sodding supermarkets, show them online shopping and tell them to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then keep going

AppleAndBlackberry · 13/05/2015 21:02

Search the web for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see what you think. Even if it doesn't sound like that this is not normal, you must get out.

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 21:05

I've already had depression and been suicidal in the past. I know it isn't good at all but i'm just scared. They have physically assaulted me in the past and you don't disagree with them- you just don't. I just wish I had the confidence to stand up for myself and not worry what will happen and go.

I went to work with a black eye not long after Christmas and my boss flipped her lid. I've got to be careful now because if anything does happen then I can't go to work and that= no respite at all. Sad

How does JSA work? If I claim it and then leave home will they do anything for me? I'll have to leave my town and everything because they will just come and find me Sad

OP posts:
Liara · 13/05/2015 21:11

You poor, poor child. I am so sorry you are living like this.

Could you talk to your GP? They are doing a lot do damage to you, and you need to get away from them asap, but you do need some support in order to help you with the process, it is not going to be easy. They have conditioned you for too long and you have lost all track of what is normal or acceptable.

BettyCatKitten · 13/05/2015 21:22

Oh no, they are abusive nasty people. Ffs assaulting their own daughter. You could call women's aid as you are suffering domestic abuse. apply for jsa, go to your local job centre. You need to be independent to break away from them. I'm sorry you're gojng through this, the next time you are assaulted or threatened phone the police. It is a crime Flowers

deedee33 · 13/05/2015 21:22

Usually in a thread like this poster is recommended to look at the Freedom programme, maybe contact women's aid. Anyone know a reason why they would not help sherbertlemons?

Op your MH problems must have been exacerbated and even caused by these peculiar and defective people. You have the oomph to be angry though. Good. Use the anger to research what you need to know, makeca plan, and extricate yourself. You don't need to live there, you don't need them. If you arr doing all that for them - wow, think of what you could be doing for yourself. Very, very best of luck FlowersFlowers

ovumahead · 13/05/2015 21:23

You are being abused. No way around that. The fear you feel about moving on, the fear you have about standing up to them, is all because of the abuse. They gave physically abused you, and are emotionally and financially abusing you. It sounds absolutely crippling. You must seek help and get out of there. Go to your GP, write down what's happening beforehand if you feel you'll lose your nerve when you're in there. Ask for help. You will get it. You definitely don't have to live like this!

How old are you?

ChasedByBees · 13/05/2015 21:25

What would happen if they find you? It's normal for children to move out and get a place of their own. Not shameful and not something for them to be angry about.

They have been physically violent as well as treating you literally like a slave. This is so abusive. Please investigate your options and move out.

You can have a bank account that they don't find out about - perhaps an online account? It's important - really important for you to move out. If you want to move away from them then you really are free. You can go anywhere you want!

Janethegirl · 13/05/2015 21:35

OP you must move out. Are there any women refuges in your area? Phone Samaritans or similar and please get help to get out if your situation. WineBrewCake whatever helps.

Gabilan · 13/05/2015 21:42

Sherbert from one random internet stranger to another, please, please look after yourself. You deserve much better than this.

Make an appointment with your GP, if they are sympathetic towards MH issues. Also try these people www.rethink.org/ and if you just need to talk, the Samaritans. They are very good at pointing you in the direction of positive things you can do for yourself.

sherbetlemonD · 13/05/2015 21:43

I'm early 20s. No idea what they would do if they found me. I really don't- and I don't want this being common knowledge to people who know me personally. I've tried talking to a few select people about it but because they are so nicey nicey in person. I've spoke to my boss about a few things (we are close anyway) but i've got to be careful about making the situation at work awkward. Do I go into the job centre to claim JSA?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 13/05/2015 21:46

I'm not sure but citizens advice would be able to help - they could advise you of wider issues and support too.

HopefulHamster · 13/05/2015 21:47

This is abuse. Financial and emotional at least and did you say physical too? Shocking.

Do you have any money to spend on clothes or hair? You need jsa at the very least. I'm so sorry you're in this situation and hope some of the ideas here can help you.

BettyCatKitten · 13/05/2015 21:48

Bless you, I feel angry on your behalf that your parents are treating you like this. I have 2 dc's your age. Please reach out to people in RL. You need support and guidance how to leave safely. please disclose this to someone.

woowoo22 · 13/05/2015 21:48

Have you ever worked? Ie paid work? What have you done?

Jackieharris · 13/05/2015 21:48

If you've been physically abused you can call women's aid. Donestic abuse doesn't have to have come from a partner. They can put you in safe accommodation. You shouldnt live anywhere you're in fear of getting a black eye.

Swipe left for the next trending thread