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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have not given up my seat for this child

137 replies

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 14:28

I have suspected endometriosis (being investigated) and get excruciating cramps leading up to AF. Got on crowded tube this morning feeling absolutely lousy, stomach really hurting and also feeling faint/hot. Woman got on tube at same time as me with 2 DC, one older boy at a guess about 13 and girl at a guess about 8/9. There was one seat, I took it as desperately needed to sit down, only to see little girl standing in front of me glaring as I'd quite clearly beaten her to the seat (hadn't intended to, didn't know she was going for it as well), and then mother said very loudly 'you can just always tell the women who haven't got kids'.

which was v hurtful as have ongoing fertility issues.

others around me tutted at me and huffed and puffed and felt really bad. WIBU to have stolen this seat from a child? I really felt unwell.

OP posts:
balletnotlacrosse · 13/05/2015 15:49

I don't agree that she should have said anything or offered an explanation. The woman was rude, crass, insensitive and ignorant and deserved to be ignored.

MagicMojito · 13/05/2015 15:50

Entitled twats are going to act like entitled twats regardless of whether or not they have children.

WorraLiberty · 13/05/2015 15:53

Blimey. It's weird imo that the mother thought you were unreasonable, but even weirder that other people tutted at you.

keepitsimple0 · 13/05/2015 15:53

since I was born after 1750, I am not in the children should stand for adults camp.

But you got there first. no explanation needed, unless the child has trouble standing.

Original poster
addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 15:55

the more I think about it the more it probably looked like I saw the girl was going for the seat and I butted in. hence why I got tuts and dirty looks.

I hadn't actually noticed her going for it, I was just focussed on sitting down as quickly as possible as was in so much pain

OP posts:
jimijack · 13/05/2015 15:56

Nope definitely nbu.

There was a thread on here about a woman who was asked to move at a swimming pool when she sat down in an empty chair. She was told that it was a toddlers chair and that the child wanted to sit there.
She said no, that the child should sit on the parents knee. All seats were full it was a competition or some such.
She was completely flamed, hung drawn & quartered for refusing to move.

tulipbulbs · 13/05/2015 15:56

This is poor parenting. I can imagine what a pain this woman is in school. Entitled children are disliked children.
You on the other hand sound like you will make a thoughtful parent. Good luck to your future child, I hope s/he finds you.

balletnotlacrosse · 13/05/2015 15:57

If I got on a train or bus with an 8 year old and she headed straight for the only free seat I would be pulling her back, not encouraging her to dive for it. Children need to learn to stand back sometimes and consider other people.

timelyreminder · 13/05/2015 16:04

YANBU. People need to realise that many disabilities and painful illnesses are invisible.

TheHappinessTrap · 13/05/2015 16:18

I'm going to make myself v unpopular. I think kids generally do not deserve a seat over an adult, generally. No one should have to give their reasons for deserving a seat - which are supplied on a first come first served basis. And to make matters worse for myself I also personally think that you shouldn't travel during commuter time if you aren't a commuter. I don't think anyone busting their arse to get to work in the early hours, or who are making it home after a long day should have to stand for someone who had the option to travel at a different time - generally speaking of course - you never know people's reasons for travelling. I get a lot of older people travelling my route because of a destination near me. Do not look to me for sympathy when you hop aboard at 5.20 PM and I've been up since 5 AM and at work since 7. Having said that I also think seat diving is bad manners, as is talking about someone in hearing distance. No one comes out of that well.

I once passed out while standing as I chose to get on a full train and get closer to home when I wasn't well. I came to in a seat. The person next to me made some sort of comment about mine being a good move to get a seat. They probably meant to just break the ice but I was embarrassed and got up shaky and in a full sweat. No one else touched the seat - maybe as I hadn't been well!

SugarplumKate · 13/05/2015 16:26

I would ask my older 3 (ages 15, 12 and 8) to stand for an adult. Actually my 15 year old would do it without being asked. Saying that I got a flaming on here for saying I'd get my kids to sit on the floor of the train and let adults sit so other mumsnetters may not agree with me! Really off for her to make that remark too. Kids don't have to sit down on a seat ( unless they have an additional need and if that was the case she should have asked for a seat).

ofcabbagesandkings · 13/05/2015 16:43

On buses in the town where I live, there used to be a highly visible sign which read:

"Courtesy makes the journey more pleasant. Children can help by giving up their seat for older people at busy times."

So no, I don't think YWBU. Particularly in light of the mother's cruel comment and the fact that no-one else was willing to give up their seat (to validate their reason for tutting!).

If the little girl had some sort of problem or disability which meant it would have made it better for her to sit down, the mother should have politely said something (as would I in this situation - my 3 year old DS is autistic, and it would be a nightmare trying to keep him settled if we needed to stand on public transport!). Otherwise I can see no reason why she was more entitled to a seat than you! No-one is guaranteed a seat when using public transport. You got there first and had a valid reason for sitting in the only vacant seat, though it may have helped your case to have said something about feeling ill.

keepitsimple0 · 13/05/2015 16:50

"Courtesy makes the journey more pleasant. Children can help by giving up their seat for older people at busy times."

where is your town? 1910?

ollieplimsoles · 13/05/2015 16:52

You did nothing wrong op, I have endo and the pain is unbelievable sometimes,
Woman was a nasty, entitled bitch- don't think anymore about it!

scribblegirl · 13/05/2015 16:55

YWNBU. I think the perfect response to:

"You can always tell when women haven't got kids"

should have been a similarly passive aggressive:

"You can always tell when women haven't got hidden health issues"

QTPie · 13/05/2015 16:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 13/05/2015 16:58

"You can always tell when women haven't got hidden health issues"

THIS! why do we always think of the perfect thing to say after stuff happens!

TheAssassinsGuild · 13/05/2015 16:59

Regardless of your need, you got there first and 8-9 years old is quite old enough to stand safely. We're not talking a toddler who is small, doesn't have the strength or co-ordination and will tire.

That's quite apart from the fact that your considerable need in this instance.

If the mother felt that her daughter had a real need for a seat, then she could have asked someone in the priority seats to vacate the seat for her child. That is what they are there for. Whenever I sit in one, I view as potentially temporary and will give it up if I see someone who needs it more, or if I am asked.

As for the comment - she was utterly rude and unreasonable. (And inaccurate - I am a mum and would have done exactly the same as you!)

Mrsfrumble · 13/05/2015 17:06

I was born in 1978 and was brought up to give my seat to adults. The idea being that a similar courtesy will be extended to you when you reach adulthood.

Karma1981 · 13/05/2015 17:10

That's awful to say that, even if the child was a toddler she still had no right to talk about you like that.
And I have 5 children!

StillProcrastinating · 13/05/2015 17:14

Only you know this, but if the Mother was a mumsnetter, would she be writing an AIBU about this woman who pushed past her daughter (taking advantage of her size) to get a seat on the tube?

YANBU to think that children should stand for adults. But if the child was making to sit down and you dashed in instead, then I'd think that was a bit off really.

you could then have asked the woman if she would please ask her daughter to stand, as you have a medical condition.

Timri · 13/05/2015 17:25

I don't believe children should have to stand for adults, unless they're eldery or have a medical issue.
As you do have a medical issue, but it's not obvious, I can absolutely see why people might have looked a bit miffed if they essentially thought you were pushing past her to get at the seat, so I definitely would have made a point that's why you did it.
But YADNBU, I can just see why passengers might have thought you were, but the mum was extremely rude also.
And as others have noted the people tutting didn't jump up, so don't worry about them either.
The 'you can always tell when women haven't got hidden health issues' is a blinder, keep that stored away for future use!

Where is your town? 1910?
That did make me chuckle

OnlyLovers · 13/05/2015 18:28

Still, the OP says she hadn't intended to, didn't know she was going for it as well*.

Original poster
addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 19:11

Yes I definitely didn't see she was going for it until I sat in it!!!

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 13/05/2015 19:32

Why didn't any of those tutters give up their seat then, if they were so upset by it?
A child of 8 or even younger is perfectly capable of standing.