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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have not given up my seat for this child

137 replies

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 14:28

I have suspected endometriosis (being investigated) and get excruciating cramps leading up to AF. Got on crowded tube this morning feeling absolutely lousy, stomach really hurting and also feeling faint/hot. Woman got on tube at same time as me with 2 DC, one older boy at a guess about 13 and girl at a guess about 8/9. There was one seat, I took it as desperately needed to sit down, only to see little girl standing in front of me glaring as I'd quite clearly beaten her to the seat (hadn't intended to, didn't know she was going for it as well), and then mother said very loudly 'you can just always tell the women who haven't got kids'.

which was v hurtful as have ongoing fertility issues.

others around me tutted at me and huffed and puffed and felt really bad. WIBU to have stolen this seat from a child? I really felt unwell.

OP posts:
EducateTogetheralumnus · 13/05/2015 14:45

You were most certainly NOT being unreasonable! She had no greater entitlement to that seat than you! And her mother was being rude and entitled.

Endometriosis is awful - I had it at 21 and had it removed by laparoscopy. I now have two DDs. I hope you get yourself sorted soon OP Flowers.

grenedeer · 13/05/2015 14:45

I can ever so slightly understand the mum's disappointment, but not her manners. My daughter's 9, she's rubbish at balancing herself on the tube, and when it's crowded her face is at adult crotch height, which is a bit awkward so I sometimes have to stand between her & other people if we're not by a solid surface.

But the mum was rude to you & sounds like nobody else offered to give up their seat so the tutting and huffing was not against you, more like embarrassed not getting involved noises.

Aermingers · 13/05/2015 14:46

YADNBU. I will give up my seat for people with little kids, so they can sit on their knee. From about 7 they should stand up for adults. It's polite and I had to do it. If she struggles to control two children of that age they are clearly badly behaved.

FromSeaToShining · 13/05/2015 14:46

Did any of the other passengers who were tutting at you leap to give up their seats for the child? No, thought not.

YANBU. You needed the seat, a child of that age is perfectly capable of standing (assuming she didn't have a disability of her own).

And that comment about women without children was right out of order. What an insufferable cow.

TooManyHouseGuests · 13/05/2015 14:50

YANBU, the people tutting should have stood up and offered their own seats. Why tut? Pointless, if you can stand up yourself.

I stand for the elderly all the time and women with babes in arms. I have stood while pregnant almost the whole distance of the Central Line, so I know people can be pretty callus.

I went into London with my father the other day, who is in his 70s and had a stroke a few years back. He is very thin and grey. The tube was crowded and when a seat became available a lovely woman stood back so he could have it. He wouldn't dream of sitting with women on the train. He would have been mortified, but I was very grateful even though he refused the seat. In his short visit he has already fallen once and I worried on every escalator with people pushing through and him disoriented.

Over the years I've seen a lot of fit, young men, in comfortable shoes sitting in the priority seats playing video games on hand held devices ignoring the elderly and infirm. I find that particularly disgusting.

Jennifersrabbit · 13/05/2015 14:53

Goodness no. I have two the older one being 8/9. He's a tough bugger and perfectly capable of standing. If you'd offered a seat I might have said thanks and accepted but I certainly wouldn't have expected.

And by the way I had huge fertility issues and my two are adopted. I didn't magically acquire kindness, generosity, unselfishness and consideration the day they arrived home pity it would have been bloody useful

Flowers
Rivercam · 13/05/2015 14:54

You did nothing wrong!

drumKitten · 13/05/2015 14:55

Yanbu. I bet the tutting wasn't at you. People tend to ignore or simply look. tutting would be unusual especially as I doubt most people think you should stand for a child.

I'd have said something. I older than you and have learnt over the years. I would have been polite but I would have said something.

cozietoesie · 13/05/2015 14:56

I'm imagining that mother and daughter organizing a wedding in 10-15 years time.

That's going to be the Bridezilla thread to end all of them. Grin

notplayers · 13/05/2015 14:59

YANBU. Why on earth should any adult stand to leave a seat free for an 8-9 year old? The mother was a rude self entitled twat.

Jeeze, when I was 8 we were expected to stand to let adults sit down.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/05/2015 15:04

Yanbu at all, you had the seat first, the woman was very rude. I have kids and I woukd have done the same as you.

Gottagetmoving · 13/05/2015 15:08

I hate it when I see kids sat on a bus or train and an old person is standing. In fact, I would think a 9 year old should give their seat up for an adult.

MythicalKings · 13/05/2015 15:12

The child was travelling free and capable of standing at that age. You paid for your ticket and needed to sit down.

Of course YWNBU.

The mother is a horrible, rude cow who will get the same cheek back from her DCs as they get older, no doubt.

Lipsync · 13/05/2015 15:21

I also think the people were tutting at the woman's rudeness. Quite apart from it not being obvious at a glance whether a stranger on the tube is a parent or not (what a weird idea! It's not as if you get a badge), anyone with a time share in a brain cell grasps that not everyone is childless by choice, and that not having children isn't shorthand for 'heartless careerist bitch who swipes tube seats from nine year olds'.

You did nothing wrong, OP and given your understandable sensitivity about fertility issues and the pain, I'm not surprised you didn't speak up. Try to put it out of your mind and good luck with the medical/fertility investigations.

MakeItACider · 13/05/2015 15:24

Op, if they looked at you and tutted, making eye contact then they weren't tutting you, they were tutting her.

She was a daft woman, and rude as well.

bigbumtheory · 13/05/2015 15:25

Yanbu. I hope the.mum.visits mumsnet and sees this and feels shamed- for her rudeness and perceived entitlement and for ignoring the possibilty of invisible issues.

ShaynePunim · 13/05/2015 15:25

YANBU at all. In fact I have never allowed my kids to use a seat when there were adults standing. When they were very little I would take them on my lap, otherwise they'd stand. And if they were really tired I'd make them share a seat together, and give up my own seat.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 13/05/2015 15:27

The child was old enough to to stand. I have dses a bit older but we've been doing the tube for years for day trips and they have never had an issue with standing.

Busy tube trains aren't great for children when they are bum height to most adults but it's up to the parents to manage that, not expect other adults to give up their seat. I'd imagine at 8/9 they are above bum height anyway.

I'm sorry you are having such a rough timeThanks

notplayers · 13/05/2015 15:29

I'm also fairly sure the people tutting were tutting about her rudeness. I don't know anyone who would expect an adult to stand back and let an 8 year old have the last seat.
Her mother is doing that child no favours at all. She should be teaching her to have manners and consideration, not to be self entitled and rude.

gabsdot45 · 13/05/2015 15:30

Some people are so precious about their kids. I would never let my kids use a chair anywhere if there is an adult standing.

AuntyMag10 · 13/05/2015 15:32

I too grew up with giving up your seat for older people, I see it dying out these days. Those selfish people who won't stand up for pregnant women and older people are kids of probably women like this one.

Original poster
addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 15:40

thank you everyone, I'm glad I WNBU as I have been worrying about it all day.

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 13/05/2015 15:40

Yanbu.
You got there first AND your need was greater so you "win" on both points. I say that as somebody who doesn't believe in the whole "good mannered children should stand for adults" mantra that's spoken about on here.

You did nothing wrong Smile

She on the otherhand, was very rude and shame on all the tutting passengers who funnily enough didn't offer up their seats to the little girl! Hmm

SuperFlyHigh · 13/05/2015 15:45

No way - I almost never give up my seat for a child over 5 and above... they are more than capable of sharing a seat or standing or mum's lap (yes this is embarrassing for them). In fact I find it quite rude when sometimes on trains or buses when there are obviously tired commuters that a mum can't have a child on her lap (children have more energy than adults generally).

Your medical status makes no difference and the mother was very rude. In the past few months I've been rammed with a child's scooter (metal) on an overcrowded train by someone who got on a crowded too few carriages train 2 stops after me, what happened about waiting for the next train?! which I have done... and just texted work to say I'd be late.

There are an awful lot of nice parents/kids but an awful lot of as zeezeek would say entitled twat parents.

Viviennemary · 13/05/2015 15:46

I agree that the situation would have improved if you'd said you weren't well. Which is the truth. You weren't asked to give up your seat. But scrambled to get to it first. But I don't think an eight year old takes precedence over an adult anyway.