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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am not the right person to look after my MIL following her hip operation

67 replies

listsandbudgets · 12/05/2015 12:15

First of all this is not a post saying I would be unhappy to do it but genuinely that I'm worried I'm the wrong person.

MIL lives 3 hours away. Normally SIL would look after her but she booked a holiday six months ago which starts 3 days after hip operation. MIL is in her 80s. Obviously she can't be left alone. She refuses to allow DP to look after her as she insists she wants a woman for those "personal moments".

DP works away most of the week. We have 2 children 2 and 9. One option is for MIL to come here but understandably she does not want such a long journey after hip operation and wants to stay at home.Add an active 2 year old into mix and I don't blame her Also we do not have a downstairs toilet which would be a problem.

So SIL is suggesting I get dp to look after our DCs and go to look after MIL for 10 days. Really worried about this as MIL lives in a tiny village with no public transport (well there's one bus a week!) and no shops and I don't drive. I like MIL but prospect of being sat in a house solidly with her for 10 days is too much (she's probably thinking the same!). The other thing worrying me is that I suffer from epilepsy and although its fairly well controlled I do still have fits and I'm frightend she won't be able to help me if I have one and it will cause her a great deal of stress.

I will do it if I have to but AIBU to think it may not be a good solution.I really don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 12/05/2015 12:17

Can they afford a nurse? A carer to pop in three or four times a day?Would she qualify for one from the local authority? YANBU by the way.

FanFuckingTastic · 12/05/2015 12:18

I think you are right, in that you probably aren't the best option.

Could social services arrange temporary care while she recovers? I have operations coming up and plan to arrange something similar, I am disabled and have mobility issues.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/05/2015 12:19

Can she ring the hospital, speak to the consultants secretary and explain....see if the op can be put back two weeks?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/05/2015 12:20

YANBU. Its clear that you are not the in a position to look after MIL on your own. Could you and DP go up for a week and stay nearby. Otherwise, hiring a carer might be the best option.

midnightvelvet01 · 12/05/2015 12:21

So if DP works away then who will look after your children?

What needs to be done if you have a seizure? With my epileptic mother she stayed on the floor until she woke up and then went to bed for hours and hours, is it similar for you? If your MIL needs the toilet and you are unconscious then it won't be good for either of you.

Does the village have broadband? Can you escape via internet, go for walks (is mil able to be in a wheelchair after the op so she can go too)?

Are SIL & your DP able to pay for a carer for your MIL for those 10 days if you choose not to go?

Sorry a lot of questions :)

bigbluebus · 12/05/2015 12:23

No it doesn't sound practical. Have they said how long she will be in hospital for after the OP.
My DM had a hip replacement (after a fall - not pre-planned). She was in hospital for weeks because of her age (85) and the fact there was no one to look after her at home.When she was discharged she had carers coming in 3 times a day from the re-hab team which was arranged by the hospital social worker. They also delivered a commode to save her having ti get to the bathroom.

They cannot just discharge your MIL if there is no care - and you are not the obvious choice here. Whilst I appreciate that MIL wants someone who knows her, this is not always practical and something my DM had to accept.

Original poster
listsandbudgets · 12/05/2015 12:24

Dp will have to take leave from work

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 12/05/2015 12:24

Unless it is an urgent operation could she ask to have the op date delayed slightly until SIL is back? I think hospitals can be flexible to some extent. I know colleauges who have had planned surgery recently and they ave been ofered dates convenirnt to them.

CMOTDibbler · 12/05/2015 12:24

If there is no one to care for your MIL after her operation (and she'll be able to be on her own, just she may not be able to do everything), then the hospital will arrange carers or for her to go to intermediate care afterwards.

It sounds like you are most certainly not the person to care for your MIL

Hoppityhippityhop · 12/05/2015 12:28

I agree, you are not the right carer for your MIL. Other people in your MIL's position may have no family or estranged family and there must be systems in place to support them. Surely your MIL can access this support in these circumstances?

juneau · 12/05/2015 12:29

No, it really doesn't sound like you're the right person to do this and TBH I don't like the way that women get dumped on for this kind of this kind of thing. Why the hell can't her DS accompany her to the loo or help her wash? I've seen my dad enough times with no clothes on and its the same thing.

I think if she's being squeamish and your DH would be forced to take time off work anyway to look after your two DC then she should hire a nurse or care assistant for the 10 days. I just don't think its fair or reasonable to expect you to do this. For your own DM or DF, if you wanted to, then fine. But for MIL? Well, I wouldn't unless she lived close by and I could pop in an out a few times a day, rather than being stuck there, three hours from home, for 10 days, with no transportation. That would be completely unacceptable to me.

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2015 12:29

No, YANBU but maybe there are things that you and your dh can do to help - like shopping, or pre-cooking and freezing meals or going over once a week and doing all the washing and ironing?

As I remember it after my MiL broke her hip, she had to keep pretty still for a number of weeks (other than exercises) so it might be nice if all the caring for her didn't fall on your SiL. My MiL also wasn't able to travel by car for long periods so I don't think coming to you (at least in the first couple of weeks) would be possible.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 12/05/2015 12:29

I think carers would be much more suitable - I think you/sil need to start communicating with the hospital/adult ss about what care she will need and who will be paying for/organising it.
It may be sorted by a sw, or you may have to work together to hire a company yourselves.

reallybadidea · 12/05/2015 12:32

Why is your dp taking leave and nursing your MIL not an option? Why can't your SIL's holiday or MIL's op not be rearranged?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 12/05/2015 12:32

Absolutely agree with you op you are in no position to act as carer here.

You need to say no it's not possible to both your sil and Dp and they need to help mil to explore more options.

To add why on earth does your dp think you are suitable either with your own serious medical conditions?

First say no absolutely not and then they will have to sort it out.

Think your sil has a cheek too really.

Marshy · 12/05/2015 12:33

Is your Mil usually pretty independent? Recovery is usually quite swift after a hip op although there are precautions that have to be taken to protect the new hip joint until it heals so no leaping into the bath and that kind of thing! That's usually gone over with the patient in some detail before the op.
That said, your Mil will need someone to make a bit of a fuss of her and help out with some of the practicalities. It does sound as if you're not best placed to do it.
You need to look into what support can be provided after the op, either a step down short term rehab type bed or help at home.
GP would be a good place to start re asking that question and may be a good advocate to get the support your Mil needs. Might be worth someone accompanying her to an appt?

AlisonBlunderland · 12/05/2015 12:38

Agree that you are not the most appropriate person to be her carer.

While obviously she would like the op done as soon as possible, it would be better to postpone it until SIL is back from holiday.
Put it to the hospital- operation done now, prolonged stay becuase of no carer at home, or postpone and minimal stay in hospital.

Agree with above suggestion that you contribute help by cooking for freezer and maybe you , your DP and children go for weekend to give SIL some time off

juneau · 12/05/2015 12:45

If you're not sure how to say 'no' then I would use your epilepsy as the main reason. You're right that a post-operative person whose mobility will definitely be compromised is not a suitable person to cope, should you have a fit. That goes double if your MIL is not familiar with how to act in the situation, and no one could blame you for feeling extremely anxious with regard to this.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 12/05/2015 12:46

No, it's a fucking terrible idea. What if you have a fit while she's still half comatose on painkillers from the op?

MammaTJ · 12/05/2015 12:50

By the time she leaves hospital she will have been used to walking herself to the toilet and able to stand at a sink and wash herself. Her DS will not be needed for that aspect of care!

He will be find to look after her!

WipsGlitter · 12/05/2015 12:55

Terrible idea!

DP will have to do it. Can she manage a flannel wash with a chair in the bathroom and if she gets help to get to the loo manage in there on her own and just get help back to her seat to avoid intimate issues.

WipsGlitter · 12/05/2015 12:56

cross post with mamma she will be mobilized in the hospital asap so she will have already been walking with a zimmer or similar.

cestlavielife · 12/05/2015 13:21

tell the hospital social worker you cant do this - my aunt with broken leg was sent to a rehab place for six weeks then home with carers thrice daily. this then tapered off as she got more mobile. they also fitted stair rails etc. dont do this, get social services to arrange the care. you have your own dc and epilepsy so you cannot go there and be full time carer.

cestlavielife · 12/05/2015 13:22

if your SIL is main carer currently it certainly sounds like she deserves a break from caring!

shattered77 · 12/05/2015 13:29

Both my grans went into temporary care after ops, and we were in the same city. We all visited every day, but they needed round the clock care. It was a lovely residential home and they made friends and had company.