To think I am not the right person to look after my MIL following her hip operation

[listsandbudgets]

First of all this is not a post saying I would be unhappy to do it but genuinely that I'm worried I'm the wrong person.

MIL lives 3 hours away. Normally SIL would look after her but she booked a holiday six months ago which starts 3 days after hip operation. MIL is in her 80s. Obviously she can't be left alone. She refuses to allow DP to look after her as she insists she wants a woman for those "personal moments".

DP works away most of the week. We have 2 children 2 and 9. One option is for MIL to come here but understandably she does not want such a long journey after hip operation and wants to stay at home.Add an active 2 year old into mix and I don't blame her Also we do not have a downstairs toilet which would be a problem.

So SIL is suggesting I get dp to look after our DCs and go to look after MIL for 10 days. Really worried about this as MIL lives in a tiny village with no public transport (well there's one bus a week!) and no shops and I don't drive. I like MIL but prospect of being sat in a house solidly with her for 10 days is too much (she's probably thinking the same!). The other thing worrying me is that I suffer from epilepsy and although its fairly well controlled I do still have fits and I'm frightend she won't be able to help me if I have one and it will cause her a great deal of stress.

I will do it if I have to but AIBU to think it may not be a good solution.I really don't know what to do :(

He can get some home nursing and go up often in the 10 days SIL is on holiday ad I and others suggested earlier. Op can stay at home with the children.

Or should women only take care if their parents or SIL sacrafice everything while OP and her husband just look on from 3 hours away?

I would definitely ask about rescheduling the operation. It's a perfectly reasonable request under the circumstances, ie she won't have anyone to look after her when she is discharged. It's not like the slot will go unused, they'll just offer it to someone else.

sounds like it should be covered by a mixture of a nurse, neighbours popping in and your DP taking some annual leave and going to help look after his own mother. But at the end of the day it should be sorted out by him and his sister, not you - bonkers idea that you should do it!

Exactly, rivertam

Thanks all of you. Was almost frightend to come back after I posted as I thought you'd all say I was being selfish and not putting her needs first.

Thank you for all the practical suggestions. I think we could afford to pay someone to pop in for a couple of hours either end of the day to help (providing we can find someone) and dp could go to her. He really is the better option as he drives and does not have epilepsy . i don't have fits very often but stress does tend to make me worse :(

All of us going is not an option - her house is too small we'd need to stay ina hotel and I really don't want dd to miss that much school.

Need to discuss it with MIL now.

SIL really needs a break as she cares for MIL a lot already and has been looking forward to this for months. I honestly do not begrudge it to her for one moment. Poor SIL feels awful about the timing and is simply trying to do her best for her mum.

My neighbour broke her ankle after a fall . She was in her 70s . She couldn't manage at home so she went to a Care home.

I think that would be a good option.

People to talk and 24 hour care

I wouldnt expect Anything less.

There's usually emergency beds that care homes use . I would speak to a duty social worker who can make the arrangements.

You shouldn't have to pay full price either if she's self funding.

It's not selfish at all, it's best for all of you to be sensible in advance. We are the closest relatives for an elderly relative - we try and visit regularly and help keep on top of the admin/sort issues, but we aren't her carers because it wouldn't be practical at all.

I really hope SIL enjoys her holiday - sounds like she deserves to have a lovely time.

Do speak to the hospital/social workers because they can help you with how to find a carer/what you need.

All the suggestions about SS or a nursing home are good, or possibly postponing. But if there is any cost involved I really think you should foot it as your SIL is the main carer.

Yanbu
Mil should not be sent home unable to care for herself either.a lot of areas have re enablement programmes that are NHS funded for up to 6 weeks this can take place in residential homes or at home with carers dependent on level of ability which is assessed by therapists.

I don't know your mil but do not let her get the idea that she will need lots of care from others. She needs to start the path to independence straight after the op. The pre op assessment might be a good time to raise the subject if it hasn't already discussed.

She will have to accept care from her own son.

YANBU - you aren't the best carer and now have heard the side of SIL story too I agree that she shouldn't have to cancel holiday. I agree that being cared for by your DH is maybe not ideal too -honestly mothers of sons - would you want them to help you to the toilet?

So in the end its either paid or paid for care that is needed. Or postpone the operation - she won't be put to the bottom of the list.

My DGran went into step down care after all of her knees and hips being replaced over the years. (All 4 joints, the last at aged 93). There was no one at home with her on a daily basis, and no one near enough to give the level of additional care that would be required for those few weeks.

DGran loved it. Company, decent food, nice benches to sit on in a flat garden for walks, and they didn't annoy her making her go to bed and turn out lights too early at night or get up too early in the mornings like in hospital (her hours were more like 11am to 3am, hosp tended towards 7am to 9.30pm).

And afterwards, she came home fit and healthy, to her own home. There were carers coming in once a day for another week or so. And by the last two, she was already on a system where "the girl" came in for a couple of hours once a week to help her clean the house.

DGran had another 2.5 good years at home, another 8 months struggling badly with daily carers calling (family did what we could but between FT working and distance, there was not a daily option), and her last 6 months were in hospital and care home wing of hospital.

I agree that SIL should be able to go on her holiday.

I also agree that looking into care home option is probably what's needed here. It is absolutely NOT an indication that DMIL cannot cope or needs to leave her home long term. It is a period of recuperation after the operation and will help her to recover BETTER because they will see she's looked after and also that she's getting her exercises done, but also that she's busy and active and not moping. And they will also be much more likely to have suitable aids (in terms of accessible baths/showers, walking aids that help her move along but also different forms so she can go from lots of help to very little in proper steps) and be able to sort out meds etc better too (and not just meds but have ways of dealing with pain like massaging, or aromatherapy to relax, or other things that can take the mind off lower level pain, or supportive chairs to relieve pressure and make it easier....)

Which would probably, in the end, mean a faster and better recovery than going straight home and struggling through it with minimal support.

Sorry, I should have added that the last year or so was related to other health problems, not her joints. And she lived alone at home until she left her house for hospital, and up to 6 months before she left it, was doing quite nicely as an independent person (aged 95). But it was a number of health issues coming together that caused the crisis for her.

I have had patients with no family go to places by the sea. Speak to the hospital and explain the problem. Can certainly understand your mil wanting a lady for the personal bits. Can the date be moved?

When your MIL goes into hosp for her pre-op they will discuss care etc and whether she needs support or extra care. She will not be in hospital for that long and I think it is worth contacting the surgeons secretary to ask about re-scheduling the op given the circumstances as regards to aftercare.
I have had to do this in the past as they didn't give me enough notice for my op and I had to stop taking my HRT. The surgeons/consultants secretary is the best person to contact.