Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am not the right person to look after my MIL following her hip operation

67 replies

listsandbudgets · 12/05/2015 12:15

First of all this is not a post saying I would be unhappy to do it but genuinely that I'm worried I'm the wrong person.

MIL lives 3 hours away. Normally SIL would look after her but she booked a holiday six months ago which starts 3 days after hip operation. MIL is in her 80s. Obviously she can't be left alone. She refuses to allow DP to look after her as she insists she wants a woman for those "personal moments".

DP works away most of the week. We have 2 children 2 and 9. One option is for MIL to come here but understandably she does not want such a long journey after hip operation and wants to stay at home.Add an active 2 year old into mix and I don't blame her Also we do not have a downstairs toilet which would be a problem.

So SIL is suggesting I get dp to look after our DCs and go to look after MIL for 10 days. Really worried about this as MIL lives in a tiny village with no public transport (well there's one bus a week!) and no shops and I don't drive. I like MIL but prospect of being sat in a house solidly with her for 10 days is too much (she's probably thinking the same!). The other thing worrying me is that I suffer from epilepsy and although its fairly well controlled I do still have fits and I'm frightend she won't be able to help me if I have one and it will cause her a great deal of stress.

I will do it if I have to but AIBU to think it may not be a good solution.I really don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
GentlyBenevolent · 12/05/2015 13:29

Wait - your SIL is going on holiday and expects you - an epileptic - to look after her mother all on your own, leaving your 2 year old, and your DH to take 10 days off work (which will mean you get no holiday this year presumably) to facilitate her going on holiday? Blimey. She needs to cancel her holiday and claim on the insurance.

Higgle · 12/05/2015 13:29

Most home care providers do home from hospital care packages, surely there is somewhere local that could help?

Bonsoir · 12/05/2015 13:33

No, OP, you are not the right person to look after your MIL in her home after her hip operation. Her DC should negotiate between them as to which one of them does the care and/or how they share it between them, assisted by a carer for washing/dressing.

mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 13:35

Your DH with a nurse until SIL comes back.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/05/2015 13:42

YANBU - I'd speak the hospital today about what can be organised in terms of care.

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2015 13:59

^^Yeah, what a bitch to ever book a holiday knowing she should be constantly on hand in case her mother needs care. And fancy expecting her brother and his family to help out, does she think it's the 21st century or something? Hmm

I don't think the OP should do it but see no reason why her dh should not step up a bit. Even if - shock, horror - he needs to take time off work.

SquinkiesRule · 12/05/2015 14:10

You SIL will be back from Holiday by the time MIL gets home. A couple weeks in hospital and if theres no one home a week or so in community hospital for some more rehab. Unless Sil is going away for months I wouldn't worry.

muminhants · 12/05/2015 14:15

Firstly you can't just put an operation back, you'll lose your slot and end up at the bottom of the waiting list.

Secondly, hospitals absolutely can and will discharge elderly people regardless of whether they have care available.

I've posted before that my mum had to pretend she'd lost her house-keys after a major spinal operation so she wouldn't be discharged until I was able to get to her house to look after her for the first few days.

It does depend on your area, but you can't assume care will be provided. I think she'll be able to go to the loo on her own though, so what other "personal" moments is she thinking about? I think she may have to pay for care. You have two children, you can't do it.

namechange0dq8 · 12/05/2015 14:20

And fancy expecting her brother

That's the brother whose help the OP's MIL has rejected, yes?

Hissy · 12/05/2015 14:29

Here is the answer - SIL and your DP discuss this and contact SS to arrange temporary cover while SIL is away if she comes out before SIL gets back.

You are not the right person to be doing this, it's too disruptive and with your epilepsy it is just asking for trouble.

BarbarianMum · 12/05/2015 15:50

She said that she doesn't want his help with 'intimate care' name change - I'm sure there are lots of other things he could help with.

namechange0dq8 · 12/05/2015 15:55

She refuses to allow DP to look after her

mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 16:06

Just bathroom related stuff that MIL doesn't want DH to help but he can do other stuff. He can also give his sister a break because she will do it the rest of the time except for 10 days.

TheAnswerIsYes · 12/05/2015 16:07

Fuck that. I wouldn't do it and I'm a sahm without any disabilities. In your position there is no way I would agree. The op can be put back to a time when SIL is available or your husband can help your MIL or external care can be arranged. In your circumstances you should not be an option.

VivaLeBeaver · 12/05/2015 16:16

It's not true about been put to the bottom of a list if you delay the op at all. For a start hospitals have targets for time scales and they will start to panic that the target will be missed, so they will reschedule ASAP.

It's worth asking.

I had a date for an op the week before my wedding. It was only keyhole but I was still worried that having a GA 3 days before the wedding wasn't good. I rang the hospital up and they actually brought it forward and I had it 10 days before the wedding!

QueenofallIsee · 12/05/2015 16:21

I wouldn't do it, I like my MIL and respect any patients right to a same gender person helping with personal care but I expect my right to choose whether or not to do that to be respected.

Carers have my utter respect but I am not a carer, would be unable to do it and therefore feel the OP should simply say that she cannot. Her husband and his sister need to agree an alternative means for their mother to be supported.

JohnCusacksWife · 12/05/2015 16:33

Wouldn't it be easier if your MIL just came to you. It might not be ideal but its not forever. The hospital would provide any equpment youd need like a commode? Then your DH would be around to help and you wouldn't feel so isolated?

namechange0dq8 · 12/05/2015 16:35

Just bathroom related stuff that MIL doesn't want DH to help but he can do other stuff.

So now it requires the OP (for the bathroom) and her husband (for everything else)? So who's looking after the OP's children, again?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/05/2015 16:36

If DH has to take leave anyways, then naybe all of you could go? He could do the lions share (shopping, cooking, any jobs she needs doing) and you could do any more intimate jobs like helping her bathe or get into a nightie?

twentyten · 12/05/2015 16:40

Hi op. My dm had a hip op and the hospital expected me to do all the care. We arranged overnight carer for a week and I did some visits plus carers did the rest. Do not take this on- but make sure care is in place. Step down care sounds a good idea. The op is pretty straightforward- but if she is having a ga that can take a bit of getting over! Good luck

Cherriesandapples · 12/05/2015 16:40

Hi, agree with above. She should have a pre op assessment and the need for carers should be identified at that point. The hospital will arrange an assessment from an occupational therapist or technical instructor prior to discharge. This will again flag up if carers are needed. Social services or a hospital rehab team will provide care or rehab at home. It is nothing to do with the GP as it is hospitals responsibility for safe discharge.

namechange0dq8 · 12/05/2015 16:42

If DH has to take leave anyways, then naybe all of you could go?

And then we can have a "I took my child out of school for three weeks to go and care for my mother in law and now they want to fine me for unauthorised absence" thread.

CPtart · 12/05/2015 16:45

I wouldn't do it and I'm a nurse. It sets a precedent for what may lie in the months and years ahead if/when she becomes increasingly frail with age. Curb those expectations now. What if she had no family at all? Many elderly don't, and this is where carers and rehabilitation units come into play. Make your intentions very clear to the ward in good time.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 12/05/2015 16:51

how old is she and how well does she cope usually. If well and fit then a hip replacement does not necessarily need lots of aftercare, they won't let her home from hospital until she can master her physio exercises and walk up and downstairs with her crutches. there will be a house visit before the op to see if she needs aids like a raised loo seat, blocks under sofa / chair and bed. they will lend a 'grabber' for picking stuff up and an aid for putting socks etc on. physio will visit regularly too to see she is doing them right and improving. The care needed would really be help with cooking / drinks etc as this is a bit tricky with crutches however after mine I was also given a high stool / chair thing that I could perch on at the kitchen worktop to make prepping food easier if I needed lunch and family were all out. if she is older and more unwell then they may consider a respite / rehab place after hospital if she is not able to cope at home.

RB68 · 12/05/2015 16:51

you are not the right person to do it at her house - if anything happened you are stuck, not driving. No way to get shopping in bar sains delivery or similar, just because SIL is a martyr to her doesn't mean you have to be - alternative care needs to be arranged. It is just too risky with the epilepsy as well. At yours is an option - depending on car journey, they won't release for a while anyway (usually a week) then to yours so you can care in an environment where you have everything to hand - 2 yr old has to just be dealt with as normal and kept away from Granny.