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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2015 15:31

So he left her with a six month baby? And ran straight into your arms? If so that's why she hates you. Also, for those three months, it all very much depends on whether it was an emotional affair; whether you were being seen as 'another option' for him. Even if there was no actual infidelity.

All the blame is his. However, I can absolutely see why a woman with a very small baby would feel vulnerable, betrayed and very alone. Ten years later, you hear women saying that they feel the OW 'stole' their happy marriage. stole their happy life. I know you hate her. Can you see why she might hate you?

foxinsocks · 12/05/2015 15:32

you may find that all these people know full well there are 2 sides to every story but felt the need to support her given she was left with a v small baby

I actually would think about moving if I was you as you either have to learn to live with this (which I don't think you're managing to do) or get yourself out of the situation

ProbablyJustGas · 12/05/2015 15:35

The main thing is, you can't control her. The exW's feelings, her perspective, the way she behaves, and the things she says: it is all totally out of your control.

What you can control, is your reaction to her. You can control how worked up you feel. It takes a lot of effort, and it can take a lot of assistance to learn how to do it, but it is something you have the freedom do.

Speaking to somebody neutral - someone who is paid to be neutral! - might help you sort out your own feelings about all of this. If you can do that, I reckon you'll find that you won't need us to weigh in on your relationship. It can just be what it is to you, and that will be enough.

Lonecatwithkitten · 12/05/2015 15:36

It is possible that she is doing this because it gets to you.
My ExH left me for the woman he had an affair with. It is not in my nature to scream and shout and throw myself about. So I have adopted dignified silence. This annoys the hell out of her, it gives me a certain amount of pleasure annoying her in this way even after 3 years.

thehumanjam · 12/05/2015 15:40

I don't understand. I have read posts on here where people have said that they are unhappily married and have feelings for someone else. The advice has always been end the marriage before starting a relationship with OM because affairs are destructive and dishonest.

I'm sensing from the tone of some posts on this thread that people are judging the OP for starting a relationship with a man who had recently separated. Real life is not a fairytale. If the op's husband didn't want to remain with ex-wife he was right to end the marriage.

In answer to the question. Yes the term OW does have a time limit. You stop being the OW once you are in a legitimate relationship.

mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 15:42

Even if she didn't report the OP, I think the ex's bitterness will allow her to claim credit inadvertently. Until confronted by the authorities or legal action, she's going to be coy.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 15:43

but I wonder why you don't mention your husband in this? What has he got to say for himself?"

He called her and she did not deny it and is seeking legal advice.

My husband does not walk around proud his son does not have a family in a way he would have liked. So how exactly am i going to ask him, why he had a child in failing relationship? They can never have a civil discussion about this. According to her, he has rewritten their history.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 12/05/2015 15:43

but they were only together because of the baby. They had separated wen the ex found out she was pregnant and got back together because of that.

Anyone has the right to end a marriage, even if there is a small baby in the picture.

The advice on here is constantly that someone should end a relationship before getting involved with someone else, and the dh in this situation did that. And yet he is still in the wrong? Is it any wonder that people have affairs when the reaction is the same regardless?

Spotifymuse · 12/05/2015 15:43

If you are so very happy and secure and content in your life and relationship, why does it matter what she calls you?
I love the fact that OW and Ex HATE me calling her OW. It's a small piece of consolation for the devastation that she and Ex caused my family. And for as long as I know that it annoys them, I'll continue to use it Smile

wannaBe · 12/05/2015 15:45

And it was ten years ago it's not healthy to hold on to that level of bitterness for that long. It benefits no-one, least of all the bitter ex.

And given the op and her h are still together and are happy and the ex is the one being malicious it says a lot more about her than it does about the actions of someone ten years ago.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 12/05/2015 15:47

How lovely for your children, Spotifymuse. Hmm

mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 15:48

The ex can call the OP and her ex husband whatever she wants and vice versa. Just don't do it in front of the son.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 15:49

It matters because, I can see how easily people can believe her, given our timeline. I am especially bothered because for years, she has been on my case and I have remained silent even when she has told blatant lies which I can easily refute with proof. But I do not want to go down that route. This is the first time, I have let out my thought on this.

OP posts:
thehumanjam · 12/05/2015 15:52

Would you consider moving?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 15:53

I agree that she might have a completely different view on how her marriage was going. She may have thought that it was getting back on even ground again. You dont know what she was thinking.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/05/2015 15:53

Yes, bad form, Spotifymuse. Are you one of those 'karma' insisters by any chance?

Sometimes relationships end and the wife/husband being left is not always blameless in this, if blame is to be attributed.

Great posts from wannaBe and ProbablyJusGas, OP. Steal yourself to the probability that this woman will always hold a grudge and stand firm with your husband. Enough is enough.

Original poster
OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 15:54

human I want to, but he has shared residency with the ex. Given how busy he is at work, he would only see dss eow.

OP posts:
Spotifymuse · 12/05/2015 15:54

Gaspode perhaps you could point out any references I have made to my children ?
I'm always perfectly polite about OW within their hearing. I save my special nicknames for her with friends and family. Very cathartic GrinWink

lantien · 12/05/2015 16:07

So, dismiss them. Do these people you're encountering think they're defending exW's honor somehow?

^^ This.
I'm surprised people care so much - other people's relationships are complex and most people steer well clear.

I’m sorry if people have been hurt but many posters are being completely unfair to the OP. She’s said several times that she got together with her DP after he split from exW.

My DSis threw her DP out as found out he was cheating - took a few months but he talked her round loads of promises - got back in another few months and fuck knows why they tried for a baby - Dsis got pg and was convinced of a happy future. Had terrible pg - he lost job and started cheating with new woman.

However new woman apparently thought he'd only move back as Dsis had discover pg and they weren't together - DSis had new baby - but was still sleeping with DP who was living with them and thought it was just a rough patch what with new baby. New woman finally confronted DSis, unknow to ex, about her clinging on and her being unreasonable about not moving out of his house with their baby- not knowing it was jointly theirs and she was only one paying bill including mortgage.

He often portrays Dsis as the typical crazy ex - to new DP many of who believe. He doesn't like it when they get on. Next one to have baby with him was utter bitch to DN as she resented all the money DP was giving Dsis however there was none - he'd always manage to bully or talk her out of going to csa.

I'm not trying to hurt OP just pointing out the ex may well have thought about situation very differently to her.

I'd work on not letting her get to you - easier said than done.

This may well be nothing at all to do with her - but figures a denial by her isn't going to be believe so why bother - or gives her fuel to show how unreasonable you are accusing her of something she hasn't done or she's done nothing but not denying is a way to mess with you with no effort on her part.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 16:08

The fact that you discussed dating and you asserted that you wouldnt date him unless he had left his wife means that you were emotionally involved.

You werent dating no, but you were involved if you were having those sorts of conversations so I would view you as the OW yes.

And I find it interesting that you are saying that she is putting the blame entirely on you for their break up instead of accepting they had problems, you cant seem to accept that by giving him another option you did have a hand in the break up of their marriage. That it would have ended anyway is irrelevant, it ended when it did and you were involved in that.

MorrisZapp · 12/05/2015 16:14

So merely by existing and being attractive to this guy she has done wrong? What was she meant to have done when he showed an interest in her - evaporated? She told him she wouldn't date him. He then chose to leave his relationship.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 16:17

My point is that she was involved, despite her protestations to the contrary.

The rights and wrongs of it are irrelevant, by making it clear that she would date him at whatever point, she became involved in the break up. I am not having a go at her, merely stating the facts. [shrugs]

TheHumblePotato · 12/05/2015 16:21

You were the OW and we will not vindicate you. I think that in 10 years or so she should have moved on but you will always be the OW. Don't deny it. Even if you are now happily married to him, you were instrumental in leaving his exWife 'holding the baby'

Runawayclutches · 12/05/2015 16:21

This story sounds similar to mine. If you are the other woman who left with my husband, then you haven't been completely truthful.

If you are who I think you are, you prance as as smug feminist, who had no regards how you actions impacted me and my health.

Do you not want to disclose that I had high blood pressure because of your affair with my ex?

Do you not care that I had a career and being a single parent, it is difficult to move ahead as compared to the help and husband you have that has made it easier for you to progress your career so that you don't waste your time with tans and coffee?

Your DH started being "unhappy" the day he met you.
I know you did a PhD here in the UK and I also suspect you met him then, which led to our first separation.

Are you who I think you are?

If you are not my sincere apologies.

OllyBJolly · 12/05/2015 16:23

I think you are projecting a lot here, OP. Whether it's right or wrong, she and others will see you as instrumental in the break up of a marriage. She might not be "instigating" anything. It's there. People have long memories.

I have to challenge people who slag off my ex for walking out on a wife and two babies. I'm over it, they should get over it, too. We're actually quite friendly now, and we might never be BFFs but I'm on good terms with the OW.

You are way over invested and over interested in this woman. You hate her? Too strong after 10 years. I agree with the PP who said you should be looking to get support for this anxiety.

It's so sad that this relationship breakdown is a face/off between two women, when it's the man who cheated on his vows, wife, girlfriend and child. He's hardly got a mention in all of this.