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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
FromSeaToShining · 12/05/2015 19:36

Well, this is one for the books. If the OP's account is accurate, I wouldn't call her the OW. And reporting someone to the Home Office because you are still stewing over perceived wrongs 10 years later is just utterly spiteful. But who knows what's really going on? Not me, that's certain.

Whatamayday · 12/05/2015 19:38

Why did the op say, I don't care before she flounced off?

Myloveisyourlove · 12/05/2015 19:39

The ex chose to clarify somethings, i am curious to know why not the HO report

Fluffcake · 12/05/2015 19:40

were you and your DH romantically/sexually involved while he was still married
Does it matter? One of the most annoying things of our society is that couples often refuse to accept they are solely responsible for their issues

Of course it matters. How would you feel if your marriage was having problems (all marriages do at some point) and your DH decided that the best way to deal with it was shag someone else? Maybe the ex feels you are flaunting your relationship which makes it even harder for her to move on.

workhouse · 12/05/2015 19:42

Well if you are determined to paint the OP as evil incarnate there's nothing else to say.

I would have loved your reactions if the OP had said that SHE had voted UKIP, the frothing and eye swivelling would have been a joy to behold.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 19:45

So, if it wasn't the ex, who was it? Who would have an interest of accusing her of a marriage of convenience whe she has been married for so many years?

Who says she was reported at all? I would imagine that the HO do spot checks as much as any other government department, and perhaps it was just the OPs name that came out of the hat.

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 19:46

Bogey, I agree with it perhaps being a random check.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 19:48

Well if you are determined to paint the OP as evil incarnate there's nothing else to say

Who is doing that?

I just dont see any evidence that the exW is as bad as the OP is painting her, or that the OP is a saintly as she would have us believe. And given the inflammatory language, the talk of hatred towards the ex, the lies about being reported by the exW......it doesnt exactly make her look good does it?

I suspect it may be a case of both women loathe each other on principle, and take things that would otherwise be utterly unimportant and a bit "shit happens" as personal attacks by the other.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 19:49

I should say that I think this may be the case but based purely on the evidence on this thread I would find for Runaway!

motherinferior · 12/05/2015 19:49

Yes, everyone has firmly decided whose side they are on and the respective posts are being read accordingly. Like I said upthread, they were always going to be.

(Incidentally if I had a HO issue I'd suspect a UKIP member had shopped me, quite regardless of anything else.)

4candles · 12/05/2015 19:53

I am on Team RunawayGrin

Timri · 12/05/2015 19:59

Didn't OP say she had returned from abroad, then had visit from HO?
(Can't be bothered to trawl back through the posts) so maybe she just got flagged up, because of the type of visa she has (I know she said it wasn't a spousal one, but can't remember what it was).

Anyway, whether people agree EW should be over it by now, I can see why she would hate OP.

But I can't see why OP would hate EW?
I mean, it can't be that EW has made things difficult, as OP has said she would never 'discuss that woman' with her DH (or something to that effect) and got all her info from her sister (sister-in-law? Someone else anyway). Why? She obviously has hated EW from the very beginning, and I don't understand that at all?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 19:59

I should imagine HO do random checks. Most government agencies do some sort of random checking.

Timri · 12/05/2015 20:00

#TeamRunaway

Grin
KarmaNoMore · 12/05/2015 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 20:03

If the OP isnt on a spousal visa and never applied for one. Then I doubt HO would be that interested in who she's been married to for 7 years, when she is on a intra company visa and has indefinite leave.

butterflyballs · 12/05/2015 20:05

Well that was an interesting read.

Wonder if the op and the exw are now scrapping on the village green.

workhouse · 12/05/2015 20:07

purely on the evidence on this thread

There isn't any evidence, it's just words on the internet. You are all just making it up as you go along. It really is quite astounding!!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 20:08

Wonder if the op and the exw are now scrapping on the village green

With the ex/not ex H refereeing the battle.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 20:09

Workhouse Arent you doing the same then, implying that the ex has burning resentment based on what OP has said and what the ex has said herself.

kissmethere · 12/05/2015 20:10

hell hath no fury as the saying goes...

First time seeing a poster recognised for me. Wow.

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 20:14

Ive been recognised 3 times that i know of. I even had a business associate come for dinner and say to me - so and so from (another forum) sends her regards to you. I was shocked. Ive also recognised 3 other posters from another forum and we are now in contact with each other here.

Whatamayday · 12/05/2015 20:18

It happened to me once. Ex wrote a thread on me and I joined in. It caused such a furore it was deleted.

NRomanoff · 12/05/2015 20:18

So have I got this right

Runway and DH seperate but get back when she discovers she is pg.

The dh meets op when baby is 3 months. OP says she won't date him until he is single (so they discussed seeing eachother, so an emotional affair). 3 months later he walks out and to the OP.

Runway canvasses for UKIP and may or may not have reported them to the HO, in fact they may not have been reported at all. They all live in the same village.

FWIW i think the OP has avoided answering lots of questions, she knows she was factor in the break up of their marriage, when the had a small baby. Rather than walking away, she asserted she would only date him if he left his wife. So to me she is the OW and given the venom she has to runway/exw I am not surprised the EXW still calls her the OW. It actually sounds to me like the OP is the one with the problem.

Runway if you did report them, please let this go. Its not healthy. If not, just ignore the OP, she obviously has a problem with you.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 12/05/2015 20:28

What a marvellously unpredictable turn this took Shock