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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 19:02

I agree Karma. That's how I felt.

The whole thread is about the resentment of the ex wife!

TheHumblePotato · 12/05/2015 19:03

Zeezeek I see you're from the school of thought that thinks: my H's neighbour's unlce's wife's postman's best friend's brother did xyz therefore you build reason.

Awadebumbo · 12/05/2015 19:03

What if the relationship is in trouble before the pregnancy MrsTerry.

Aermingers · 12/05/2015 19:04

And all marriages have problems. Lots of people go to counselling. It doesn't mean that the people involved are suddenly fair game for anyone who fancies fucking them.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 19:04

Fox I'm over it. I dont even blame the OW. Ex was just a total weak minded self entitled twat. I tolerate him for DD's sake.

He told me he was getting married. I felt nothing, not even sad. I know I really have moved on now. Took a while to get there.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/05/2015 19:04

OP, YADNBU.

Runaway, if you are the ExW in this situation, please get some help. Your ExH left you 10years ago. Yes, you may be hurting them now, but by holding on to this, you are hurting yourself and DC even more.Sad

Awadebumbo · 12/05/2015 19:04

Sorry posted to soon.
As it seems the OP's and Runaways situation would fit.

Aermingers · 12/05/2015 19:06

I mean. Christ. The OP is practically trying to steal her life. She's moved to her home village, nicked her husband, probably has her kid over there half the time and wants to be friends with the people this woman has grown up with and known all her life.

And she wants the ex to roll out the red carpet and be civil? Fuck off.

foxinsocks · 12/05/2015 19:08

Well done Tali :)

foxinsocks · 12/05/2015 19:09

People sometimes get pregnant to try and save the marriage. Sadly that rarely works either. Awful for the child.

Aermingers · 12/05/2015 19:10

I'm not surprised if she hasn't got over it 10 years later. If they had moved to the next village down she probably would have done. As it is she has them shoving themselves in her face everyday, trying to pinch her mates as well as her husband, judging her personal life, blaming her for any problems that they have.

Is it any wonder she can't move on?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2015 19:10

What if the relationship is in trouble before the pregnancy MrsTerry. Even then, you don't actually know what the inside of the marriage looks like. With pregnancies and very small children, honestly, I think its best to steer clear. At least until the ink is dry on the divorce and some time has past.

VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 19:11

She lives near the village where they grew up not in it. Yes 10 years on you'd hope someone could be civil.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 19:13

OP obviously goes to that village a lot. If its a small village, they'll know who she is.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 19:20

Well having read the full thing, I find myself on team Runaway.

The OP has basically lied in her OP about being reported, refuses to accept her part in the ending of a marriage and was away on her toes when it looked like she had been called on her bullshit.

If she was so sure that she wasnt and isnt in any way at fault then she would have defended herself, but she hasnt.

I fear that the OP is that kind of OW, the type who needs to parade her win in front of the "loser" as often as she can. And yes it does seem like she expected to waltz into the village and the exWs place as if nothing had happened and presumably hoped that the ex would scuttle off with her tail between her legs and she didnt.

She seems to forget that if these people have known the ex all her life, they are not going to take too kindly to the OW turning up and trying to ingratiate herself. The ex didnt have to say a word I suspect!

Why do you hate her so much OP? Because her having the audacity to live in her home village reminds you and everyone else about your marriage's less than auspicious beginning? Or because he loved her first? Or because you know that it will only take another woman just like you for you to be the ex?

VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 19:22

Well none of us really know how this is unfolding in real life do we? Perhaps op is unpleasant to ex w, maybe it's more the other way around. I just find it sad that after so many years the ex w is still so full of resentment. To the extent that she'd do something very unpleasant to her.

ltk · 12/05/2015 19:22

You were the OW. Your dh was shagging you while he was telling exw that he was working on their relationship for the sake of their newborn baby. You and your dh made some unethical decisions that hurt her deeply, and now you're angry that she's making some seriously unethical decisions that hurt you. Karma's a bitch.
If she continues to harass you, of course you should go to the police.

VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 19:23

How has she lied about being reported??? Anyway, I'm over invested in this thread so will be off now. I hope they work it out.

KarmaNoMore · 12/05/2015 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 19:27

Velvet

firstly she said the exW reported her to the home office. Then she said she had been reported but it must have been the exW, then she said that the HO hadnt actually told her that she had been reported, she just assumed she had and with no evidence, accused the exW. The exW hasnt denied it granted, but that doesnt actually mean anything. She could well have rolled her eyes and refused to engage on the basis that this is more craziness.......

Maryz · 12/05/2015 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 12/05/2015 19:29

She may be just doing the school drop off/pick ups. Which is a perfectly normal thing to do for step parents, especially after TEN years.

Getting stroppy and accusing the exW of queering her pitch in the playground sounds rather more than just drop offs and pick ups though. Sounds like she wants to get into the exW's crowd and is pissed off that they dont want to know.

KarmaNoMore · 12/05/2015 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 19:32

How has she lied about being reported???

If you'd read the thread you've have spotted her inconsistencies, then you would have seen the inconsistencies explained by me and another poster. And maybe now Bogeyface has explained it will be 3rd time lucky when it comes to understanding.

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 19:34

Karma, anyone in the village who perhaps got carried away with election fever.