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Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
workhouse · 12/05/2015 18:14

KurriKurri, I think you are just seeing this differently to me. It's simply not true that OW are saintly beings on MN, the opposite is true.

The OP has not come over as being "deranged and irrational" she has come over as being at the end of her tether at a long and sustained compaign against her by the ex wife.

mynewpassion · 12/05/2015 18:14

10 years ago but still relevant and affecting the present from both the OP and the ex.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 18:15

I dont think the OP is as innocent as she wants us to believe. She jumped as soon as it look like the exw found the thread.

We have OP's version of what exw has done, but we have no version of the things that OP has done. I suspect that the hatred towards the exw runs very deep. Op even had a dig about how many men exw has dated in those 10 years.

I dont think OP is as secure in her relationship with her DH as she wants to be. Exw is a reminder of his life before her.

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 18:15

she has come over as being at the end of her tether at a long and sustained compaign against her by the ex wife.

We only have the OP's word for it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 18:17

You can only hope that OP bile doesnt extend to her DSS.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/05/2015 18:20

Honestly, if this is legit, it's not healthy to be so hung up on it a decade later for anyone.

workhouse · 12/05/2015 18:21

We only have the OP's word for it.

We only ever have the posters word for anything. We might as well all give up then!!

Coyoacan · 12/05/2015 18:22

I must admit I feel sorry for the child in the middle of this situation.

KurriKurri · 12/05/2015 18:24

If you accept what she says as the truth workhouse. I find that when people 'hate' another person they are often 'interpret' the facts the fit their emotions. Op has no proof that exW reported her, exw has not said she did, it may be that someone has reported her and she has assumed it is the ExW because she, by her own admission 'hates' her. I think shouting about how much you hate someone, making accusations you have no proof for and raving on about UKIP is irrational. But maybe I've led a sheltered life.

The OP's first post is full of so much ingenuousness that it is hard to read anything else she writes without being influenced by it.

Not to go through the whole thing but - she accuses the ExW of instigating divisions, is it not possible that people living locally are aware of the facts and have formed their own conclusions. Maybe they simply don;tlike the OP.maybe she isn;t very likeable, but it is fr easier to blame the fact that she is not well liked on the ExW.

Anyway - enough from me, I have devoted far to much time to this thread already. I don;t want to spend any more time giving attention to OW, they are a rather dull bunch compared to decent people.

MrsCampbellBlack · 12/05/2015 18:24

I wonder how many people on mn have had affairs - probably quite a few if it is anything like my circle of friends.

It doesn't make you evil but you do need to take responsibility for what you did.

I was an OW briefly in my past - I regret it hugely now and do not look back on that few weeks with anything but shame. And I do feel I was partly responsible for the breakdown of someone's relationship. I don't get the argument on here that OW's are innocent and it is always the husband to blame. People make mistakes but you do need to take ownership of it.

Myloveisyourlove · 12/05/2015 18:27

Why do we keep insinuating about the authenticity of this thread. Not everyone's life is as perfect. It is a bit troll hunting.
MN is a hugely popular forum in the UK. I expected this to be more of a regular occurrence.
The OP said she is leaving, the ow came to add some new info we might have not known. Thats it really

TheHumblePotato · 12/05/2015 18:27

Well raised point Tali r.e. DSS but I doubt it. It sounds like it's been tit-for-tat for all these years. OP has now bailed out, but I suspect she is still reading from afar, and if so then I repeat the sum message of my posts: You are and will always be the OW. Don't deny it or try to get others to excuse your behaviour. He left his wife holding their little baby! Alone! Scared! Not really quite sure of what she'd do! Despite their marital problems you had no right to waltz in their and 'save him'. How nice that you waited, and therefore have convinced yourself that it was not cheating. I say again she should not be causing you havoc but you are by no means an innocent party.
To answer your original question: No! The term OW has no expiry date - hence why you will always be one.

workhouse · 12/05/2015 18:27

they are a rather dull bunch compared to decent people

Agreed Flowers

hedgehogsdontbite · 12/05/2015 18:36

Not to go through the whole thing but - she accuses the ExW of instigating divisions, is it not possible that people living locally are aware of the facts and have formed their own conclusions. Maybe they simply don;tlike the OP.maybe she isn;t very likeable, but it is fr easier to blame the fact that she is not well liked on the ExW.

I was thinking the same. Do the other mums at the school gate not like her because of the Exw stirring, as the OP believes. Or do they not like her because she's an outsider and seen as a home wrecker in a small tight knit community with a long memory?

foxinsocks · 12/05/2015 18:41

I think the point, mrscampbell, is that as the wife, it's your husband that left you not the other woman who dragged him away. Yes she may have played a part in it but if someone is going to cheat or leave there are countless women he can find. He may even lie and say he isn't married, so many men do that. I think the point about OW is that often the focus of the wife's vitriol is the OW while not really looking at the part the h played in it (often because she loves him and it's hard to believe he would do it).

A friend of mine is still bitter about the OW 10 years later. She has convinced herself that the OW offered him money and a whole load of promises to drag the h away. I know the h - he's spineless. The OW wasn't the first OW, she was about the 5th. 10 years down the line she still can't see her h as the spineless, ever cheating coward that he was and still is. Because (sadly) she still loves him :(

VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 18:46

Oh come on!!! If she hadn't reported her she'd have denied it, it's ridiculous to suggest anything else!!

Runaway, I'm sorry for what you went through, it sounds very hard but to be honest plenty of people have to look after babies and toddlers on their own (myself for example) and have a lot worse than high blood pressure. This was all a very long time ago. You need to move on and stop the bitterness. I've been through it myself, 12 years ago. I'm astonished at the level of your resentment towards this woman.

SaucyJack · 12/05/2015 18:47

"But if someone is going to cheat or leave there are countless women he can find."

Yes. Very true. But neither his, his wife's or any other potential OW's behaviour is your responsibility. Your own conduct is tho, and if you don't want to be the type who plays a part in the break-up of other people's marriages then you do the sensible thing and keep your hands on the table in front of you and your eyes looking straight ahead, and no funny business.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 18:47

Fox I think with your friend, it's too painful to acknowledge that she wasnt enough for her ExH.

I think that's why its never the actual wrongdoer that gets the blame, because blaming them means realising the wrongdoer didnt love them enough. That is painful to acknowledge, I know because I've been through it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 18:49

Velvet The only one who has shown resentment is the OP herself. Runaway has backed away from the thread without even a cross word to the OP.

KarmaNoMore · 12/05/2015 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zeezeek · 12/05/2015 18:56

I was the OW many years ago - my DH was with someone when we met, even though he had told me that they'd split up and yeah, she was pregnant too. 25 years on she still hates me and has even indulged in various stalking activities over the years.

My DH left their relationship by choice - I didn't drag him away and I refuse to believe that it is my fault that we happened with meet and he happened to find me attractive and, over time, preferred to be with me rather than his ex. I guess I did hasten the end of their relationship - I don't know, I have no idea of the specifics: I know his version and I have had hers screamed at me over the years. It was entirely his choice. He didn't love her anymore and if it wasn't me that he left her for, then it would have been another reason.

In the 25 years he's been with me he has not had an affair. In the 2 years he was with her - he'd had 2. To me that says a lot. People who are happy in a relationship don't bother to have affairs. Really, they do not, because it is all too much hassle.

But don't let that stop all you bitter ExW's from blaming the woman rather than your ex-partner or, even more terrifying, yourself.

foxinsocks · 12/05/2015 18:58

Poor you Tali isn't it horrible :( I'm so sorry you had to suffer :(

Karma, I think that's an entirely sensible view. A catalyst is a good way to see it

VelvetRose · 12/05/2015 18:59

Sorry, that was a bit harsh. This is what helped me. I realised I was better off on my own than with someone that didn't want to be there. I felt comforted by the knowledge that I would never cheat on anyone so felt I had the moral high ground and I focussed on my deeply held belief that I am ultimately responsible for myself and that I can cope. Which I did.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2015 19:00

At the very least, though, if you get together with someone whose existing spouse is pregnant or with a very young child... you've got to assume they aren't going to welcome that. Lots of people ARE very unhappy and stressed when their children are small. That often changes and the marriage gets back on course.

At the very very least, you know you are going to have a relationship, through the child, with the ex for decades and I would think very carefully about that.

Aermingers · 12/05/2015 19:02

If you had a partner and your role in the breakdown of their marriage was a little bit of a grey area and there was a lot of bitterness, why on earth would you move to the exes home village?

It smacks of trying to rub the exes face in it.

If I was one of the other villagers I think I would probably take a bit of a dim view of it too.

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