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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

483 replies

OWisaFeminsta · 12/05/2015 11:55

I've namechanged as I do not want to link my other MN life to this.

I have been with my husband for a number of years, we have DC and he has another from his first marriage. I met him while he was still married and remained friendly with one another, some time thereafter, he separated and we dated and later filed for a divorce.

She blamed me for their breakup and went and still goes to length to disparage me to anyone - school gate mums, neighbours, colleagues since my marriage. Today, this woman has done something horrible to me and I am shaking.

The ex still blames me and because we live near a village that they both grew up in, she intentionally, close to a decade later, instigates divisions between myself and all others, mostly women, in my village at the school gate and her friends.

But I am not to blame, they had problems, she knew about them. Something she selectively forgot is before I came along, they had the previous year broken up and got back on learning she is pregnant. Why has she forgotten about the counselling they went through to try and revive their relationship? Did she think that they went for counselling because they had a "strong" relationship?

Am I unreasonable:
to think its disingenuous to blame the breakup of her already fraught marriage on me?
to think she and my ex are primarily the reason her "son does not have a 2 parent home"?
to think no one single instance can lead to divorce?
to think I made no vow to her and point blank refuse to accept this crap she keeps throwing at me?
to plan on being silent but contemptious of her from now on?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 12/05/2015 17:21

She clearly believes if you had not come along when you did it would have encouraged your dh to try harder at their relationship.

That's her thinking. It's a normal thought pattern.

Yes ten years is a long time to hold onto the bitterness but then it's her life.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 17:22

I suspect that Op invites some of the angst with Runaway. OP probably says more about Runaway in public that she wouldnt admit to.

I think its probably a bit tit for tat.

KurriKurri · 12/05/2015 17:22

No - OP says she did that. Runaway has not confirmed this accusation. You are simply believing the OP - who has come over as decidedly irrational on this thread. And she;s buggered off now so possibly she was only happy making accusations about other people behind their backs, and became uncomfortable when her honestly might be challenged.

Possibly the entire thing is a wind up -who knows, but I am always amused when people accept the word of people who have admitted past deception (or in the OPs case obfuscated the timelines) telling lies is the stock in trade of cheaters.

Timri · 12/05/2015 17:23

In principle I agree with fast but from what runaway said, the break up and divorce made her go through anxiety, and has impacted on her career, and therefore her life....
Not being bitter is great and all, but it's easier said than done I suppose... Especially when there's a constant reminder on your doorstep who hates the essence of your being...

fastdaytears · 12/05/2015 17:23

Weebirdie obviously no proof but it wouldn't be that hard for Runaway to have said that she didn't rather than avoiding all questions. OP got slated for delaying direct answer to the date the relationship started but it's ok to avoid this whole anonymous tip off thing?

fastdaytears · 12/05/2015 17:24

Oh I'm failing so badly at the whole names in bold thing. I blame the lack of calories. Sorry everyone

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 17:25

If she did report them, I wouldnt be surprised if it was some sort of retaliation. Doesnt make it right but explains a lot.

Justusemyname · 12/05/2015 17:25

Nothing might have happened when he was still officially married but you were friends with him and it is highly possible probable enough was said, done, for him to decide he fancied a change and given his wife had a newborn he probably wasn't getting any at home.

fastdaytears · 12/05/2015 17:26

Not being bitter is great and all, but it's easier said than done I suppose... Especially when there's a constant reminder on your doorstep who hates the essence of your being...

Oh yes for sure. I think we can all agree that living in a village with Ex is a recipe for massive emotional tension

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 17:26

Fast, Runaway didnt say it, the OP.

She said in her original post that Runaway reported her, then a few posts later she said she didn't even know if she had been reported. I think its safe to say the OP did have a visit from the Home Office people and she assumed Runaway had reported her. And it was only when people questioned if the HO would have told her who had supposedly done the reporting that she said - well, I don't know if I was reported.

Its only an assumption on her part.

Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 17:27

I really don't think OP has changed her story. She just clarified that she presumes it was exw who shopped her. She still obviously believes this is the case - why on earth would she post otherwise?

workhouse · 12/05/2015 17:27

It is my story.The Home Office, 3/6 crap, her name change, the type of visa she has, my son and the UKIP bit. It is too close to home

She admits to reporting the OP to the Home Office here.

duplodon · 12/05/2015 17:28

"Do you not want to disclose that I had high blood pressure because of your affair with my ex?"

No, you had high blood pressure because you have a propensity to high BP and you had a very stressful experience.

It's really sad that people don't let go. I'm eternally grateful to my mother that when my father acted the prick and left her for a really difficult character who caused a lot of trouble that she knew how to hold her head high and move on with her life. It's been 25 years this year and I don't think the "OW" has been talked about with any regret, anger, venom or envy in about 20 years.

Please get therapy and move on for your own sake. You are eating yourself up with hate.

fastdaytears · 12/05/2015 17:28

Weebirdie I know Runaway hasn't said she did it but she hasn't denied it. The first thing I would do if someone accused me of something crazy I didn't do is point out that fact. Loudly and over and over again like indignant 4yo most likely.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/05/2015 17:29

That's not admitting to it, she knows about the home office because she was asked whether she did by ex or op.

fedupbutfine · 12/05/2015 17:30

But I think nothing of her, she is narrow minded and the kind who wakes up drops of her son(when he is with her),school gate gossip, gym, coffee, tan and blow dry her hair. I still do not know how the man I married to could have anything in common enough to pursue a relationship with her!

what a total bitch you come across as. He did pursue a relationship with this woman and you quite clearly think something of her.

You 'speak' like the 'ow' in my opinion. You want to blame fundamental problems for the breakdown of a marriage but you have no idea what the marriage was like or how problems or difficulties were handled within the marriage. My ex and I got alone swimmingly on a day to day basis - absolute tag team of childcare and mutual support. Unfortunately, my ex didn't want the hassle of children although neglected to tell me that when trying to get pregnant. Three children later it all got too much for him and he walked out for the woman he had been having an affair with for years - he had the affair quietly because he was self employed and was out and about at all hours anyway and received phone calls at all hours as a part of his work so it never occured to me that something else was going on.

Years later, of course I realise that there was a fundamental mismatch of personality and that we were never anything better than 'good friends' (and not quiet that) but somehow we got swept along with it all and ended up married. But at the time, I had not one clue my marriage was in trouble. I didn't ignore anything, it was just the way it was.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 12/05/2015 17:30

TheHumble

Euro or lotto! The odds are amazing now.

TheHumblePotato · 12/05/2015 17:34

Come to think of it OP, even the title of your post:

To think even the term OW has an expiry date

You are therefore admitting that you were the OW but have now grown tired of the title and wish to seek vindication from others. But you always will be. I'm afraid it has no statute of limitations. As AF said, the thread that keeps on giving and I won't be surprised if it has vanished by the morning.

TheHumblePotato · 12/05/2015 17:35

Bodyinpyjamas10 Let's go all in!

wannaBe · 12/05/2015 17:35

it is considered bad form to come on to a thread where someone has posted for support. When xh's have done this they have been royally criticised and this is no different.

If the op was the ow ten years ago that fact is now irrelevant. It was ten years ago people have a right to move on with their lives. Clearly the marriage was in serious trouble or the relationship with op wouldn't have stood the test of time. Plus the only reason the dh and the ex got together was because the ex was pregnant.

But spreading rumours ten years on, shopping someone maliciously to the home office ten years on coming on to the internet to find someone's thread shows a clearly unhinged character, and if this is the person the op's dh left then I'm not surprised. Not all ex's are poor innocent victims, it takes two to destroy a relationship.

Timri · 12/05/2015 17:38

Lol at a thread where someone has posted for support

This is fucking AIBU!!

Weebirdie · 12/05/2015 17:41

I agree with Tali

That's not admitting to it, she knows about the home office because she was asked whether she did by ex or op.

As for why Runaway hasnt denied it? Maybe she just cant be bothered, maybe she is just rising above the accusation. I quite often think to myself - Im not even going to answer that because its all quite bonkers and I have better things to do.

hedgehogsdontbite · 12/05/2015 17:41

This thread wasn't started for support. It was started to bitch about someone behind their back.

motherinferior · 12/05/2015 17:42

The thing is, I could tell from the title of this thread that everyone would pile in on the OP. They would have piled in whatever her story. MN has become like that.

TarkaTheOtter · 12/05/2015 17:44

Plus the only reason the dh and the ex got together was because the ex was pregnant. Says the OW.

If someone told you that you were being bitched talked about online wouldn't you be interested?

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