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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL looking after DD

109 replies

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 07:31

Please be gentle with me. This is my first time posting here. I'll try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

First off I'd like to say my PIL are lovely people who I get on extremely well with and they've never been any more than welcoming to me.

When DD was first born we discussed PIL (both retired) looking after her one day a week when I returned to work. We were very grateful for this as my own DM & DF still work full time. Now DD is 3mo and we've found a nursery that we really like for her so wanted to get germane down ASAP. DH then announced that PIL wanted to take DD for 2 days a week meaning we only needed nursery for 3 days. I had reservations because 2 days every week is a big commitment. They go on a 3-4 holidays/mini-breaks a year meaning we'd need to find alternative arrangements. All this is fine though, and completely workable.

My concern is the way they are with DD. They both dote on her completely (1st GC) but they seem to me kind of "awkward" with her. They still insist on holding her in the "cradle position" even though both me & DH have said she hates that and prefers to be upright so she can see what's going on. If she starts crying she either immediately gets passed back to one of us or they just make it worse. An example being when DD started fussing the other day, I said "oh, she's due a nap, she'll be tired", DMIL's response was to jingle a toy in her face and say her name over & over really loudly which just made it worse I had to be firm & just take her off her so she could go to sleep. Considering they had 2 babies themselves they don't seem to know how to behave around DD. I'm not precious about her (I don't think) but I can tell when she's not entirely comfortable.

I'm not going back to work until DD is nearly 10mo so I know she'll be a completely different baby by then. I just worry that she's not going to enjoy being at her GP's IYSWIM. They can be quite uptight & get stressed about the tiniest things. I can only imagine what it'll be like with a 10mo baby pulling herself up on furniture all the time & crawling about everywhere.

AIBU? DH says I should just be grateful (which I am! But still worry about DD not enjoying being there). Sorry for the length, thanks for reading if you made it this far

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 11/05/2015 07:36

YABU

Original poster

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 07:36

It would be more helpful if you told me why I'm BU

OP posts:

propelusagain · 11/05/2015 07:37

Or you could care for your baby yourself.

Stinkersmum · 11/05/2015 07:39

Would it be an idea for them to have her for odd day here and there now, before you go back to work? See how they get on?

SewingAndCakes · 11/05/2015 07:40

I think you need to allow them to find their own way with her. It's hard, especially with your first, but they will be fine and as you said, she'll be a different baby at 10 months old. I think that babies and children are very good at managing with different expectations and care from family members.

MythicalKings · 11/05/2015 07:40

YABU as DD gets older your in laws will establish their own relationship with her and find what works for them. You are being a bit precious, sorry.

Icimoi · 11/05/2015 07:41

Ridiculous response, propelus.

I agree they need two or three half days finding out what the reality of looking after her is when they can't just hand her back to you; followed by a frank conversation as to whether they really, really want to do it and are able to.

chickensandbees · 11/05/2015 07:41

They may be different with her when they are alone with her. It may be difficult for them to relax with her whilst you are there watching them. My Mum defers to me when I am around but has had the DCs since they were 6 months old for 1-2 days a week.

Maybe you should let them have her alone for a few hours a few times before you go back to work to see how they get on.

TendonQueen · 11/05/2015 07:41

Put her down for the 4 days and just see how it goes in the meantime. I don't think you're BU but then I have seen a few grandparents who like the idea of looking after their grandchildren but not the actuality so much. And two days is a lot for older people anyway.

Original poster

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 07:42

Thanks Stinkersmum for the first helpful reply!
Yes, we definitely will do that at a later date. It's not possible right now as she's EBF and a bottle refuser.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 11/05/2015 07:42

Two helpful replies there

Yanbu. They don't sound like they will be up to 2 days a week. I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about this and get him on side.

JumpRope · 11/05/2015 07:42

It's very difficult for them to start a bond with your baby (which, but the way, they will have to do) when you are there IMO. You are clearly watching their behaviour with her and the whole thing won't be natural.

Do you need them to do this financially?

fruitmedley · 11/05/2015 07:42

I don't think YABU to have these worries, however, as they get to know her better I'm sure they will relax and become more confident in looking after her. As you say a 10 month old is very different to a 3 month old.

ahbollocks · 11/05/2015 07:43

Yanbu, talk ut through with them :)

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 11/05/2015 07:43

You have to remember that you are with your baby most of the time. You know her cues and what she needs at roughly the right time. They probably did for their children!

If you aren't returning to work until she is 10 months then I would reassess how you feel nearer the time. Leave her with them for a longer period of time, give them a routine (in as much as you can) and see how they go.

At the end of the day, it may not be what you would do but she will be loved and cared for. Give them a chance

pictish · 11/05/2015 07:44

You're being anxious, which is understandable, but not justifiable.
They will find their own way with here when the time comes. They are loving, caring and your dd will be in good hands...and no you're not always going to be there to direct them in every single nuance such as how she likes to be held. They'll work it out themselves.

Remember they have successfully brought up their own children. They have plenty of experience.

hedgehogsdontbite · 11/05/2015 07:44

Are you always around when they are with her? It's possible that they aren't very relaxed because of that. They may be very different when they are left to it. My MIL was much better once she'd had DS to herself.

DurhamDurham · 11/05/2015 07:45

It might be a good idea to let them look after your dd for a few hours each week between now and when you go back to work. That way if they really don't enjoy it they can let you know in plenty of time.
I would think that maybe they are more confident around the baby when you aren't there. They might feel like they are on trial with you there to watch them, I think you might be making them nervous, not on purpose of course

Only1scoop · 11/05/2015 07:46

I think as pp they need to start having her the odd half day to get them used to each other and see how they feel.

I personally feel 2 days is a huge commitment for them which they may regret.

Mopmay · 11/05/2015 07:46

You are being very precious. They are not you. She will love being with them. They will develop their own special relationship and bond. They will dote on her. She will feel secure and loved. They will teach each other their boundaries. Start by letting them have her alone before then.
The nursery staff will deal with your DD differently. They will do what suits them at times and she will follow their rules??
And finally remember it's free childcare. That normally means £40-70 a day saving - so several hundred pounds a month.

Newquay · 11/05/2015 07:46

Tricky. I think that as long as your baby has a balance - with nursery/time with you and clubs etc - then it should be fine. How many days nursery will dc do? I hear that they need 2 days to get settled and enjoy it (1 day is too little apparently - anyway that's how it's been with us). I think that there will always be niggles when it comes to anyone looking after your dc - kinda especially pils. But the main thing is will dc be safe and will you be relaxed enough knowing that cd will be safe? If that's yes then I think it's fine. More of an issue is whether they will reAlly be able to commit to 2 days every week - you may think that it'll be easy to get an extra day cover in nursery, but in my experience it's not. So speak to nursery about that. It may be that the nursery will tell you that they cannot guarantee that they would be able to cover many extra days - in which case you could kindly suggest to PiL that they start with 1 day per week for the first year say - then go to 2 if that works out. Tell them to continue to enjoy their mini breaks. Also - if it remains 2 days a week you could steer them towards joining baby groups/classes - baby sensory etc - so that way you will know dc will get some fun. So I don't think you are BU at all. It's vital you are happy with childcare in order to get back into going to work. Bit it's a 'nice' problem to have - as you said u like you pils. So don't stress too much over it ;) x

pictish · 11/05/2015 07:46

P.s What if she doesn't like how the nursery pick her up, or one of the staff's face or any other number of things that don't suit yours and hers exact specifications?

If you're using childcare of any description you will have to relinquish control when you're not there and have faith that they know what they are doing.

tryingtocatchthewind · 11/05/2015 07:47

There's nothing more nerve wracking than having mum around you watching and a 3 month old is hugely different to a 10 month old. That said it's very tiring so I would let them do it for a couple of months and make sure the nursery know you might have to up a day.
Is there no chance of reducing your own hours a bit?

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 11/05/2015 07:47

You have 3 choices

Let them learn and let them help

Pay for 5 days at nursery or other childcare

Be a sahm or get you dh to be a sahd

I couldn't have coped with the first 2 so chose the 3rd.
My Inlaws are the same as yours sound, like ds in theory but are a actually crap in reality. They have watched him for 10 minutes here and there ds is 21 months old.

Theyvallgone · 11/05/2015 07:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable! Yes a few of the other posters have a point when they say its either that or stay home and look after baby yourself, however I can see why you would be worried.

I think in another 7 months both she and they will be different around each other, and hopefully in that time (maybe closer to when shes 6 months old) you could let them look after her for a few short periods/days and let them find their own way. I often find that people are self conscious trying to settle someone elses baby, they feel like they are being watched/judged etc. and so are awkward about it. They might really hit it off with her if they were alone with her.

Its a while away yet, try not to worry - but do plan ahead for it :) But ultimately, it will save you money and they are family ... it sounds like a good deal on the face of it x

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