PIL looking after DD

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Please be gentle with me. This is my first time posting here. I'll try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

First off I'd like to say my PIL are lovely people who I get on extremely well with and they've never been any more than welcoming to me.

When DD was first born we discussed PIL (both retired) looking after her one day a week when I returned to work. We were very grateful for this as my own DM & DF still work full time. Now DD is 3mo and we've found a nursery that we really like for her so wanted to get germane down ASAP. DH then announced that PIL wanted to take DD for 2 days a week meaning we only needed nursery for 3 days. I had reservations because 2 days every week is a big commitment. They go on a 3-4 holidays/mini-breaks a year meaning we'd need to find alternative arrangements. All this is fine though, and completely workable.

My concern is the way they are with DD. They both dote on her completely (1st GC) but they seem to me kind of "awkward" with her. They still insist on holding her in the "cradle position" even though both me & DH have said she hates that and prefers to be upright so she can see what's going on. If she starts crying she either immediately gets passed back to one of us or they just make it worse. An example being when DD started fussing the other day, I said "oh, she's due a nap, she'll be tired", DMIL's response was to jingle a toy in her face and say her name over & over really loudly which just made it worse I had to be firm & just take her off her so she could go to sleep. Considering they had 2 babies themselves they don't seem to know how to behave around DD. I'm not precious about her (I don't think) but I can tell when she's not entirely comfortable.

I'm not going back to work until DD is nearly 10mo so I know she'll be a completely different baby by then. I just worry that she's not going to enjoy being at her GP's IYSWIM. They can be quite uptight & get stressed about the tiniest things. I can only imagine what it'll be like with a 10mo baby pulling herself up on furniture all the time & crawling about everywhere.

AIBU? DH says I should just be grateful (which I am! But still worry about DD not enjoying being there). Sorry for the length, thanks for reading if you made it this far

Thanks everyone. I didn't consider that I might be making them feel anxious. I don't think I a. Precious with her. I have I issue with anyone holding her. I guess I just see how my own DM is with her & see the bond they are forming already and compare that with PIL. As she gets older we will definitely let them look after her on their own. I still have a gut feeling that 2 days is too big a commitment for them. DMIL has a full social life & a baby would hamper that somewhat! I think DD would be expected to slot in with that which wouldn't work at all.

It's difficult sorting a babies needs out with the parents hovering behind you waiting to make a mistake or take over. I bet they'll be completely different if left on there own.
And your right a 10 month old is completely different to a 3 month old.

Sorry X post.

YANBU. I don't think you're being precious, and I don't think it's guaranteed that they'll find their own way with her either. I see far too many stressed-out GPs on the toddler group circuit to believe that.

Why not give them a test run or three first?

How old are they anyway? A 50 year old is very different from a 70 year old - it's a sweeping statement to say an old person would find it too much. My retired neighbours are all fit as fiddles and lots do childcare. They all have active hobbies or do volunteer work. Those that go away lots do it as they have time on their hands before grand children too.

I think DD would be expected to slot in with that which wouldn't work at all.

Why not?

I guess I just see how my own DM is with her & see the bond they are forming already and compare that with PIL.
Well don't. It's not a competition.

I personally would rather pay for childcare than get into an arrangement that you're not happy with and will find difficult to go back on if things aren't going how you want them to.

Let the GPs be GPs rather than unpaid childminders. I think the 'specialness' of the relationship can be diluted by GPs being part of the day to day grind... although that's just my opinion.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If they are awkward with her now, and anxious, they are going to find it hard to cope having a 10-month baby around all day, two days a week. They probably haven't grasped the reality of what it's going to be like.

But I also agree with the poster who said you might have the same problem at nursery. Nursery staff won't recognise your baby's cues - and they have the added disadvantage that they won't be besotted with her the way you and her grandparents are.

I do think the idea of a test run first - maybe a short test run, half a day here and there - is probably the way to go.

It is still a long way off yet. They can look after her on their own for a couple of hours and build it up. Mabey insist on one day when you go back to work and see how it goes.

As I said several times in the OP I am extremely grateful to them. I don't want to debate the merits of having a career vs being a SAHM (both valid and fulfilling life choices btw, but that's not the issue here).

I guess I'll see how they get on as she gets older. I have no issue about how much they love her & that she'll be taken care of properly. Maybe I am being a bit precious but she is my PFB

PIL are in their early 60s but generally fit & healthy (MIL more so than FIL). I think my main concern is that they've taken too much on it I guess we can reassess if it's not working out.

Yanbu. It's a kind offer and could work well but it does seem they need to think it through more carefully. In your shoes I would put her down for four days in paid childcare (checking your contractual obligations, eg if you later decide to reduce this) and suggest that once it's possible with feeding etc they try out taking care of her for a few hours, half a day, a day, and see how they find it.

DH needs to be fully onside and willing to handle the parents without just saying this is how you wanted it. If they did do two days, would he be willing and able to use his annual leave to share in covering anytime they wouldn't or couldn't have DD?

of course you are going to be worried... but I think your main reason is just leaving her in general. Your pils will be fine :) I think it's great when family members offer to have the baby / child to help out with childcare. I also think you should start letting them have her on a weekly basis for a few hours on their own, give them a bottle and it could help her get used to the bottle. it's better to try her young. She will love it! Also, when people are holding a crying baby and the mum is around the natural reaction is to get a toy and try to make the. stop. Like you say, she is currently a bottle refuser, so your mil can hardly feed her can she?! Obviously by the time they have her 1/2 days a week, she will be in more of a routine and won't have the breast feeding :)

OP is probably right that a 10 month old won't fit in with MILS social life.

My mum offered to have my niece after school and in holidays when she retired (which coincided with niece starting reception) and my sister and her DH actually moved house because of it - at the start of the summer holiday. Sister found work faster than expected (BIL ' S work was mobile, kept same job mainly travelling in the week) and my DM found her new life ddidn't work at all the way she'd thought - she'd just got into a routine of lots of long lunches with other recent retirees, mostly in naice tea rooms and cafes not at all suited to children, and to having hair and nail and aromatherapy apts in the middle of afternoons, interspersed by pottering in the garden and work for her church...

She discovered my niece was "too much" within weeks... Small children really don't slot into the social lives of mature adults unless a significant proportion of their companions are doing childcare too!

"I think DD would be expected to slot in with that which wouldn't work at all."

Why not? When my Dm looked afre my dd for the day she didn't change her life much- ds just went with her to coffee with her friends, to a painting group she went to and to anti -war .coalition meetings! She adore it and ended up with about a hundred surrogate grandmas and grandpas.

There's a huge difference between 3 and 10 months. But whatever you do, put in a review date. "Shall we do it this way til Christmas, then just check that it's working- I don't want to take advantage of you!"

I do think that 10 months is much different than 3 months and that they will manage fine. It would be a very good idea to try some half days from when she is about 7 months to see how they cope and if they still want to commit to 2 days.
Its difficult when you first return to work-you'll probably worry about the nursery too.

Iechowhat everyone else said about her being a different child by 10 months and that a trial run would be a good idea.

Practically speaking though, gps can be very handy. DD spends 2 days a week with my parents. They take her when the CM won't - conjunctivitis, dodgy tummy etc, and because they only have her they can sit and cuddle her the way I would if I were at home, without any distraction. (Obviously if she were ill enough to need me or her dad we'd be there, but for low level illnesses she needs quiet day rather than a parent).

I'd check their plans for holidays etc. they need to know that this is a real commitment and you need to be able to rely on them 52 weeks of the year

You have nothing to worry about, it's natural for you to be worried at this stage and natural for them to be awkward with her too. They will be fine once they get used to what she likes. Give them the benefit of the doubt and let them have her on their own for a few hours at a time before the arrangement starts . If she's in nursery as well you can always up the days if they find it hard or it doesn't work out. You are lucky to have them help out. Be positive about it and give them as much info on what she likes/doesn't like before they have her to give them more confidence.

I dont think that she would not be willing to rearrange her social life. If she likes to keep busy then she will fill her days, but that doesn't mean she would do this when looking after the baby. Of course she could have friends over while minding the baby or go on suitable visits and this would be fine for the baby. Also regarding things like going away on spontaneous holidays, maybe they would be happy to put this on hold for a few years while looking after your baby. If they love their GC they may prefer spending this special time looking after them.
I do agree with them doing some practise baby sitting and see how it goes and let them and your dd bond. I would start now with some short visits for a couple of hours, while you nap.

Good advice here - I would also ask nursery if they have any days which are quieter. In my DD's nursery Fridays are quiet, I assume because a lot of working mums have Fridays off. We can usually get an extra day on Friday if something comes up. Other days are more tricky. Maybe try the IL day as Friday?

Slightly different angle for me. My PIL insisted that they wanted to have my niece 2 days a week when my SIL returned to work too. Another son then had a child with his partner a few months later and they felt they had to offer the same to them. 18 months later there were 2 siblings for those grandchildren, so they took those children as well. And then another son had a child came and they gave up their last weekday to have that child inc overnight too. Within 2.5 years they had at least 2 under 3 5 days a week, 2 nights mid week and regular weekends. MIL's mum then became ill and died, leaving an elderly and unwell dad who also needs looking after. MIL has confessed to me that she is exhausted but doesn't feel she can say no when asked to have any of the children. They have no time to themselves, no weekend breaks, no holidays. Having up to 5 small children in one small house means they're all vying for attention and often just get plonked in front of the TV to keep them occupied. Is this a potential issue?

I think yabu to worry about this now. By the time you go back make sure they have had dd on her own a few times. If you are going back ft, then you will have to have weaned her off the breast and onto a bottle by then anyway and its better as a gradual process.

In my family mum was great with my kids. Not so great with dbros. Essentially sil made her nervous. I remember mum getting nervous because my 2 year old went near dbros baby. She was scared that if my ds accidently hurt dbros ds, sil would have a fit. In general she was much more nervous. There's a whole back story there that I won't bore you with. Alot of pils I know seem to worry more about upsetting their sons wife than their daughters husband when it comes to babies iiyswim.

But now the kids are older and mum and sil are both more relaxed everyone is happy.

Just to add op - that at 3 months and EbF that understandably you will be sleep deprived and therefore this worry is probably being magnified for you by hormones etc. So be kind to yourself. We had same problem with finding bottle and we got a latex teat one from playtex with plastic infills. Express every morning and try dc with bottle. It'll work in the end.

Disappointed, I did consider this. DH has one DSis and I can't see her having children anytime soon (though I could be wrong!) I would say the next GC for them would be more likely to come from us.

FWIW DH agrees with me that it's a big commitment for his parents but he's more of the opinion that we should wait and see how they get on first. We don't financially need to rely on them for childcare (although it will make a difference!) I had been keen to go back to work FT due to the nature of my job but we will consider one of us going down to 4 days a week in the future I think, especially if we have any more DC.

And I wasn't intending on getting extra nursery days to cover PIL going on holiday. One of us would use annual leave for that. I don't want to stop them going away at all, they have to enjoy their retirement and the last thing I want is for them to resent us (or worse DD) for stopping them going away.

I think DH has to have a conversation with then about whether they've really thought through the 2 days a week. FIL initially offered full time childcare but that's just the kind of person he is & DH told him no (but thanks) straight away.

Op, unrelated to pil, but just wanted to counter everyone saying you have to put dd on a bottle, you don't.

We had an ebf bottle refuser too, she is now 8 months and drinks from a cup no bother, so I'm able to leave her with grandparents now. She still has breast milk in the cup, so if you want to continue it, it's entirely possible, even with a bottle refuser.

You could start introducing a cup now if you wanted.