PIL looking after DD

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Please be gentle with me. This is my first time posting here. I'll try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

First off I'd like to say my PIL are lovely people who I get on extremely well with and they've never been any more than welcoming to me.

When DD was first born we discussed PIL (both retired) looking after her one day a week when I returned to work. We were very grateful for this as my own DM & DF still work full time. Now DD is 3mo and we've found a nursery that we really like for her so wanted to get germane down ASAP. DH then announced that PIL wanted to take DD for 2 days a week meaning we only needed nursery for 3 days. I had reservations because 2 days every week is a big commitment. They go on a 3-4 holidays/mini-breaks a year meaning we'd need to find alternative arrangements. All this is fine though, and completely workable.

My concern is the way they are with DD. They both dote on her completely (1st GC) but they seem to me kind of "awkward" with her. They still insist on holding her in the "cradle position" even though both me & DH have said she hates that and prefers to be upright so she can see what's going on. If she starts crying she either immediately gets passed back to one of us or they just make it worse. An example being when DD started fussing the other day, I said "oh, she's due a nap, she'll be tired", DMIL's response was to jingle a toy in her face and say her name over & over really loudly which just made it worse I had to be firm & just take her off her so she could go to sleep. Considering they had 2 babies themselves they don't seem to know how to behave around DD. I'm not precious about her (I don't think) but I can tell when she's not entirely comfortable.

I'm not going back to work until DD is nearly 10mo so I know she'll be a completely different baby by then. I just worry that she's not going to enjoy being at her GP's IYSWIM. They can be quite uptight & get stressed about the tiniest things. I can only imagine what it'll be like with a 10mo baby pulling herself up on furniture all the time & crawling about everywhere.

AIBU? DH says I should just be grateful (which I am! But still worry about DD not enjoying being there). Sorry for the length, thanks for reading if you made it this far

It could be that they are feeling awkward with you there, could be that they are clueless!

I would have thought that as your daughter gets mobile & into things it will only get harder!

I don't see why you should be grateful for an offer of childcare that may not be very good tbh.

Can you talk to them about it?

But if you feel that she is safe with them, perhaps just give them a little time to be themselves with her & hopefully become more confident when you are there.

If not, perhaps they could collect from nursery a couple of times & she could have tea time & a couple of hours with them rather than a full on childcare?

I do know just what you mean. My mum is pretty clueless with my DD2 who is just a few months, but amazing with my DD1 who is older. I think it will be completely different once you go back to work.

My DD has made my ILs so much more laid back, I bet they'll really enjoy having her.

I don't think you're being precious. Agree that letting them spend time looking after her before you go back to work is a good idea, see how you all feel about it. Two half days or one full day is also a compromise I'd go for.

Nurseries tend to follow a baby's home routine and take advice from parents and it is easier to give that advice when it's not a family member and also easier to get stroppy or change arrangements if it isn't going well.

My PIL are also lovely and considerate (but also doted on DD who at that time was their first grandchild). Initially I went back to work when DD was 9mo and they had her for one day a week.

As time went on, I upped my hours to 4 days a week and PIL then took DD for an extra day (and also overnight) at their house. DD was about 16mo by then, I'd stopped BFing during the days I was home and DD was used to having a sippy cup of milk at night too. DD being older just seemed to suit both her and me better for a longer time away.

It was really good to see how the PIL got on with DD for the one day a week, and also to see how it went as they were bound to want holidays etc. My PIL also go away regularly and I didn't want looking after DD to impact on that or indeed for it to hugely impact on us not having childcare for that day. We chose the day carefully with them to reduce any clashes (they tend to go away for long weekends, so didn't pick a Monday or Friday for them to have DD).

Once we'd all settled in and they also had remembered what it's like to look after a baby/toddler, we upped the days knowing it worked for both us and them.

Be aware though that it's difficult to tell your PIL to do things differently when they're family and you're not paying them. We had an awkward situation where DD was being fed 3x fruit shoots a day by MIL and it resulted in an anal fissure and two anal exams on a 1yo. We had to ban sugary drinks which was particularly tricky to say to PIL as they then felt awful, but very easy to say to our CM (who only gave the children water or milk anyway!). It was fine but that is the flip side of using family for childcare and definitely a benefit of starting off slowly and seeing how it goes for everyone.

You absolutely don't have to put dd on a bottle either. I returned to work between 9 and 10 months with dc2 and she just had food and water during the day and breastfed when I was around. She never took milk other than from a boob.

Two days is a lot to start with.I had my Dgs for two half days from the age of 6 months and it was hard after such a long time without looking after babies. It did get easier and I moved to 2 full days eventually. When his brother was born I did the same including nursery/preschool pickups. I now just do after school 2 days a week.
It is very rewarding and benefits all of us. I'd start asap with a half day (express milk maybe) and build up gradually. You will appreciate the two days family care when your dd is older.

My dad always seemed awkward with my DD when she was very little but my parents looked after her when I went back to work (she was 9 months). Their relationship blossomed and he's now the favourite grandparent. I'm sure the same will happen with your PIL and Dd.

Maybe they think you're watching them and judging them with her and it's making them feel awkward. I know you're not but sometimes we get daft ideas in our heads! xx

I think by the time DD gets to 10 months old your PIL's might begin to find her a bit more of a handful than she is now and not want to look after her for more than a day a week.
I would book the Nursery for 4 days and see how things pan out. All may be fine, but if its anything like friends of mine who have minded their grandchildren they find it quite exhausting once the children are mobile, and less likely to nap!

I wouldn't feel under pressure to start leaving her with them soon either, I'd personally wait until she's over six months and started weaning then you won't have the breastfeeding issue to complicate things. Leaving an ebf three month old is completely different from leaving a ten month old and my opinion is that leaving her with them at this point would just stress all of you out including baby.

I think it is difficult for some grandparents, if you have one or two children and they are maybe late 20s or 30s then your childcare skills are a bit out of date. I still had two at school when I became a grandparent and it was still hard work. The other thing about the time gap is that they have forgotten that little ones are hardwork. Not all grandparents are up to two full days a week, my GC can be dropped off between 7.30 and 8 and picked up 11 hours later. Have you thought about them having your DD for half days? I don't know how that works with nursery but I think it could work for some older people.

YANBU
I think you are very wise to consider this now and to address any potential issues.

As a childminder, I often have parents who use grandparents for 1 day a week. Sometimes it works fine; sometimes it doesn't and, when it doesn't, it can fail catastrophically.

The main issue - and the one I see as a potential problem for you - is reliability. Let's get that "helping you out" mentality right out of the way for a start! They are not "helping you out", they will be providing regular childcare to enable you to work. It's a commitment. They cannot simply decide to go off for a break, leaving you high and dry. You can't assume the nursery will be able to fill the gap.

If it's too much for them, they're likely to become ill, again affecting their reliability. One of my mums was driven to distraction because her MIL would ring up that morning to tell her she had a headache or a cold and couldn't take her son. What will your PIL do in those circumstances? Soldier on with a Lemsip or cancel you?

You must get this all ironed out before you return to work. It may well work out brilliantly. It's likely to fail unless you're happy with the arrangement right from the start. Free childcare is worse than useless if it stresses you out and puts your job in jeopardy.

Look you are going to trust complete strangers to hold her feed her take care of her what if they held her wrong and she cried or whatever yabu but you are concerned maybe you find nursery more sutible because they are strangers and not attached to your baby and if there is a problem you can sort it without hurting anybodies feelings ? Say to her grandparents that you will do 1 day for now and then see you dont want to put to much comitment on them.

Btw dont feel grateful thats when you start feeling obligated Tanith is right its childcare. Not helping out

Yes, they need to understand the level of commitment required and that you might have no easy back-up for days they do.

Also agree with PPs to plan for times when she is ill, which can be an awful lot!

Yanbu
For this reason my mil looks after my children for half a day per fortnight each. She's lovely but it would be too much for her.

Plus - you will see this when you start with nursery - nursery can be much more fun and interesting for the child. Although obvs depends on the child, grandparent and nursery.

I agree with Tanith. My mum has helped us out loads with DD. initially 2 days/ week for a little over a year, then 1 day a week until recently when I started mat leave. We made it clear from the beginning that we needed that regular commitment as we both worked ft. Equally, I did tell her that if she wasn't well, to let me know, and if something came up that we could usually work around it for her so she (hopefully ) didn't feel like we were taking the piss. It worked really well for us, and I am really grateful- there were a couple of times where mum had an invite to something, and I would just take a days AL to stay home, and she did get shingles, which meant a couple of weeks where dh and I were chopping and changing at work.
she and DD have a really special bond (though they always have). ILs... I'm not sure. For a start mine are too far away for it to ever be an issue, but they are not super organised or reliable- I think the stress of not necessarily being able to rely on them would make things harder. With mum I knew that she would be over bang on time every week, and that there would be no issues with last minute changes to plan.
The communication was key, and I always said to mum that if she found it too much to tell me and we would sort something out as soon as we could. ditto making sure if she wanted to attend something else that we were flexible providing we had notice to rearrange work stuff.

My parents were a bit awkward with DS when they first started minding him. My mum still often does things the wrong way - she doesn't seem to read the situation very well. However, she loves DS and has his best interests at heart so it doesn't really matter I suppose as long as he is looked after. It gets easier as they get a bit bigger and the children can make their feelings known. DS will make it known now if he needs a drink or is hungry etc

i had this although my daughter is now nearly 8. my parents weren't natural with her when she was a baby but when i was on mat leave they spent a lot of time with us so got used to her. once she is less reliant on breastfeeds and you feel more comfortable with it get them to look aftet her for a couple of hours and build it up. you need to trial it in case they cant cope. they will muddle through and yes she will be totally different at 10 months but everyone needs to be happy with the situation. especially you and your daughter!

my parents have dared to go on holiday this week and its a huge inconvenience!!!!!

On the plus side, a great relationship has blossomed between DD and PIL, so it means she's really happy to go to them when she's ill. Definitely saved us when she had chicken pox and hand, foot & mouth, so wasn't able to be with the CM. Otherwise DH and I would have had to have had a week off work between us. However PIL took DD for a couple of days and nights so we were able to work later, bank some hours and book a day off each. Impact was minimal and I always feel better at work if I can reach a compromise around being off with a sick child.

Going on holiday: fine.

Announcing that they're off to for a break next week: a real pain!

Even had one mum - a teacher - turn up in tears, unable to get hold of her mum because she'd gone off on a daytrip and forgotten to mention it.

3 months is very different to 10 months! 10 months you'll have a crawling, possibly walking baby. 10 months are much more interactive, playing with stuff, into everything, 3 month olds aren't even sitting unaided, just sleeping, feeding and being held. Not really the same at all.

then a 10 month old can be carted round on your normal 'retiree' lifestyle, a 2 year old, not so much. Childcare isnt just for the first 2 months you go back to work.

OP - I would put your DD's name down for 5 days a week at the nursery. Tell your DH it's to be on the safe side so you hae a place, all nurseries I've had contact with, it's easier to drop a day than to get an extra day's place. Say when your DD is 9months old, you'll confirm the actual days with the nursery. For now, tell your DH it's to make sure you have the days and your PIL can pick which one/s they do.

Then once your DD is a little older, easier to leave, do some mornings with PIL (perhaps around 6 months). See how it goes. You will have the back up of nursery.

If you can aford to pay for a full time place, perhaps offer PIL the option of you putting DD in 4.5 days and they picking her up from nursery one afternoon a week, or possibly 2 afternoons (that might be a lot easier to fit into their lives than a full day, and as most nursery mornings are until 1pm, that means they really can use the morning).

The holidays would be less of an issue, if they only are looking after DD 1 day a week, that's only 8 or so days a year you have to cover between you and DH, 4 holiday days a year each you have to book off work, assuming your DH is happy to have a conversation with them along the lines of "we will need a few weeks notice to get holiday leave ourselves to cover your trip away."

I'd book the nursery full time and review nearer the time. Easier than trying to get extra days nearer the time. If you do go with pil have a frank chat with them/ dp before going ahead. If they are going away how much notice will they give dp. How much notice does he need to book annual leave or unpaid parental leave to cover. Don't fall into trap of pil letting you down and you scrabbling for childcare or taking leave.

My MIL offered to have DS one day a week, and I said no, mainly becasue we had had a conversation before I was even pregnant, about how exhausted their friends were looking after their GCs, and how they weren't sure they'd want to do it.

I said that I would love them to help out with emergencies like chicken pox(within their busy diaries, they bowl a lot!), but we wouldn't put the pressure on them of regular childcare. MIL looked very relieved when I said this!

Sometimes GPs say things because they think they are supposed to... I also ensure that the kids see their GPs lots, so they see them at least once a fortnight, so they don't miss out...