Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

PIL looking after DD

109 replies

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 07:31

Please be gentle with me. This is my first time posting here. I'll try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

First off I'd like to say my PIL are lovely people who I get on extremely well with and they've never been any more than welcoming to me.

When DD was first born we discussed PIL (both retired) looking after her one day a week when I returned to work. We were very grateful for this as my own DM & DF still work full time. Now DD is 3mo and we've found a nursery that we really like for her so wanted to get germane down ASAP. DH then announced that PIL wanted to take DD for 2 days a week meaning we only needed nursery for 3 days. I had reservations because 2 days every week is a big commitment. They go on a 3-4 holidays/mini-breaks a year meaning we'd need to find alternative arrangements. All this is fine though, and completely workable.

My concern is the way they are with DD. They both dote on her completely (1st GC) but they seem to me kind of "awkward" with her. They still insist on holding her in the "cradle position" even though both me & DH have said she hates that and prefers to be upright so she can see what's going on. If she starts crying she either immediately gets passed back to one of us or they just make it worse. An example being when DD started fussing the other day, I said "oh, she's due a nap, she'll be tired", DMIL's response was to jingle a toy in her face and say her name over & over really loudly which just made it worse Confused I had to be firm & just take her off her so she could go to sleep. Considering they had 2 babies themselves they don't seem to know how to behave around DD. I'm not precious about her (I don't think) but I can tell when she's not entirely comfortable.

I'm not going back to work until DD is nearly 10mo so I know she'll be a completely different baby by then. I just worry that she's not going to enjoy being at her GP's IYSWIM. They can be quite uptight & get stressed about the tiniest things. I can only imagine what it'll be like with a 10mo baby pulling herself up on furniture all the time & crawling about everywhere.

AIBU? DH says I should just be grateful (which I am! But still worry about DD not enjoying being there). Sorry for the length, thanks for reading if you made it this far Grin

OP posts:
slithytove · 11/05/2015 08:32

Don't you get a discount if you use nursery full time as opposed to 4 days? Might be worth looking at the numbers in full.

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 08:32

Newquay, you're probably right about the sleep deprivation Sad
Thanks for the bottle tips. I have been trying every day with her and tried lots of different bottles (DH trying when I'm out the house as well). I'll look into the teats you suggest. Anything is worth a try Smile

OP posts:
VashtaNerada · 11/05/2015 08:33

A few unkind responses here - it's totally normal to worry about being separated from a PFB for the first time. But I'm sure it will all be fine. I agree that some time on their own with her will build their confidence.

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 08:33

Slithy, is 3mo not a bit young for a cup? I thought you should wait til they can at least sit propped up reliably first. Willing to be told differently though Smile

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 11/05/2015 08:34

Me too, slythy. Dd never took a bottle at all, but combined breast and cup happily from about 7 months. Ds refused a bottle until at about 7 months he suddenly realized that if he Did, Dp, who was and is his favourite person, could feed him and took a bottle instantly. I actually saw the moment it clicked in his brain.......

slithytove · 11/05/2015 08:37

I started quite young, but dd was born able to hold her head up Hmm with a freakishly strong neck. So I just used to hold her and feed her from a cup with spout. She refused bottle, spoons, etc. she then used an open cup of one with a filter from 6 mo.

Does your dd need to be taking expressed milk now or can you wait?

Kewcumber · 11/05/2015 08:37

My mum did childcare for me.

I think 2 days a week with a 10 months old is a lot and they will find it exhausting. I would start with 1 day and see how that goes then add another 1 if it goes well rather than the other way around.

Even if you are BF you need to leave them on their own with her even if for an hour. I'm naturally awkward with babies and have to rela with them - I don;t do that with a mother around, you don;t get to work out what works without someone hovering in the background sending off "you're doing that wrong" waves - even if you don;t mean to.

It is worth persevering - DS has a lovely bond with my mum and she still has him after school 2 days a week now that he's 9 and she's 76!

BasinHaircut · 11/05/2015 08:38

I don't think you need to worry about them being 'able' to look after her. They are going to feed, change, keep warm and love her. That's all she needs, anything else is a bonus.

The issue may be more that it inteferes with thier social life or they just do not appreciate the commitment when booking holidays etc.

My MIL has DS 1 day per week and has recently announced that she is going on holiday in a couple of weeks. It's been booked for ages apparently. She just doesn't appreciate how it impacts on us. I'm not saying she can't go on holiday, or needs to ask our permission, but we need to know ASAP if she is going to be unavailable so that we can ensure we have alternative arrangements in place.

It was also her idea to provide some childcare, we didn't ask, although we do really appreciate the help as it saves us £200 a month. It's a tricky situation to manage.

Grapejuicerocks · 11/05/2015 08:38

Disappointed your story is similar to ours.

My dps had my son for a few months and it was actually pointed out to them, by db that because they did it for us, it wouldn't be fair if they didn't do it for them too. The difference was, it was longer than a few months. Eventually dps plucked up the courage to stop the arrangement, but they felt pressurised and guilty.

Kewcumber · 11/05/2015 08:39

and you have 6 months to sort this out ... there's no rush! Lots will change in that time.

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 08:42

No there's no urgent need, in fact I didn't want to try too early because we were getting on so well with BFing and didn't want to confuse her. However it's getting to the point where it would be useful if I could leave her with DH for more than an hour at a time. I'm not stressing about the bottle refusing, we had every intention of trying her with a cup when she's older. I only offer her about 0.5-1.0oz EBM at night in the bottle & freeze the rest so I don't feel like I'm wasting (bit daft since I know there's plenty more where that came from!) and just trying to be relaxed about letting her try the bottle. We've gone from her screaming bloody murder every time she saw the bottle to just playing with the teat in her mouth so there's some progress!

OP posts:
BlinkAndMiss · 11/05/2015 08:43

My experience might help you a bit. I felt similarly to you about family helping out with childcare when I went back to work, I was very nervous about as we'd found a great childminder who knew exactly what she was doing and who I felt I could trust. But then my DM and MIL both wanted to have our DS for a few days in the week meaning that we only needed the childminder for 2 days rather than 5.

My DM is one of those people who rushes about all day, I was worried about routine and naps. She was also quite slack on what I thought were safety issues, for instance, as DS got older he'd be crawling about on the floor and she'd be sitting in the sofa, I was worried he'd put something in his mouth or fall over when pulling himself up. Looking back, they were legitimate worries at the time but were actually unnecessary.

My MIL seemed completely unresponsive to DS, she didn't seem to know what on earth to do with him. He's be crying and, like yours, she'd cradle him when I'd already explained that this made him worse. She'd be completely unstimulating for him, I was worried he'd be bored and that going from the chaos with one person to the boredom with another would be disruptive. But my DH really insisted that we try it, and so we did.

I was completely wrong about the effects of both situations - DS loves being with his grandparents and has an amazing relationship with both of them. With MIL she just needed time on her own with him to figure out what to do with him, my constant presence was off putting and she didn't feel able to try things when I was there. She has an amazing, calming effect on DS and has taught him so many things that I probably couldn't have done at this stage or that the childminder wouldn't have time to do with the other children she has to look after.

Similarly, he loves the business of being with my DM, she takes him to different places and he knows how he has to behave whilst she is out with him. He doesn't need reigns or a stroller when he's out with her as he holds hands, gives him jobs to do and keeps him entertained. Now obviously these are things I try with him too and that the childminder tries too, but when it's just DS and DM she can really focus on him. The frequency I have the chance to do this because of work, or the chances the CM gets because she has other children, are very few.

This has turned into a long post, sorry. My point is that I really think you should give family a chance to look after your baby. They might do things differently but that can lead to a more balanced and happier child. It will strengthen their bond and if you know there aren't any really dangerous reasons as to why they shouldn't help out then it's definitely worth trying. After a few months, if things don't seem to work out then you can always change plans. You've already said that they take holidays etc so if you can cover these then see now it goes. I'm happy I didn't just rely on a nursery or CM, not that I wasn't happy with the settings, but because it's nice to see that DS has bonded with family.

Try not to worry OP, it's hard returning to work but it does get easier and the worrying reduces somewhat, eventually.

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 08:46

Back to the original point... Thank you everyone for giving me some perspective. I think I probably am being over anxious/precious now I see it written down. I'll suggest to DH that we ask them to try 1 day first. And we will try the "settling in" time with them too.

OP posts:
MissingParts · 11/05/2015 08:49

Blink, thank you for taking the time to type that. It was really helpful. I'm glad I'm not the only one who worried about GPs looking after my PFB when most people are just telling me to be grateful for the free childcare Smile

OP posts:
slithytove · 11/05/2015 08:49

Honestly, I'd wait. Both with pil and expressing.

3 mo is so tiny, you are just ending the fourth trimester, and things will change a huge amount. They become much more independent once weaning, and you can introduce a cup then if not before. It won't be hugely difficult to cut bm out in the day entirely if you want.

As for you having some free time now, it will come! Is dd on a routine yet?

slithytove · 11/05/2015 08:50

Sorry for the derail!

ShadowFire · 11/05/2015 08:50

I don't think it's unreasonable to worry about how this arrangement will work out. It's a big commitment for your PILs.
And I agree that a 10 month old baby isn't necessarily going to easily slot into an adults social life, but they may be planning to rearrange things so that they're not doing child-unfriendly activities when they're looking after your DD.

I think I would try and start having them babysit regularly - maybe to start with just for an hour or so while you go to the supermarket or something to begin with - so that they can start getting to know your DD.

MissingParts · 11/05/2015 08:52

Slithy, she has a routine of sorts. Seems to be falling into a 2-2.5 hour cycle of eat, activity, sleep for 30 mins during the day and going for longer stretches at night. This has only literally happened in the last week or so though.

OP posts:
LahLahsbigband · 11/05/2015 08:54

I think you're wise to think that 2 days a week is big commitment; my DM has looked after my DCs once a week and it has been brilliant - great for the DC/DGM relationship, cheaper for us, wonderful all round BUT like your PILs, my DM has started travelling a lot more in retirement (and good for her!) and it means we've had to cover many times for when she's been away. Nursery is always there Grin and you'll need to factor in enough flexibility to take time off when your DC is ill (which is a lot when they're little and new to nursery). If you can afford it I would suggest upping your nursery days and limiting your PILs to once a week perhaps? 2 days a week is a massive commitment but one day will do wonders for their bond with your DC with the flexibility that will be needed for their other commitments, such as travel.

meerschweinchen · 11/05/2015 08:57

I think it's lovely they want to help. I'd said try it and see how it goes. If they find two days too much, you could always change the arrangements later to one day.

As others have said a 10 month old is very different. Some babies are even walking by then, so how they hold her will be very different too! Also, when they spend a lot more time with her, they'll soon learn what she likes and doesn't. It's very different from their current role as just 'visitor' iyswim.

My pil do one a week for me and it's been great. They love it and my dc have a great relationship with them. Also I feel happier when I'm at work knowing dc are with them rather than at nursery. I can also text to find out how they are, and when I pick up, I get a far more detailed account of their day, shown photos etc, than I do for nursery pick ups.

So my advice would be to give your pil a chance to get used to it, and you can always change things if it doesn't work. Having a good relationship with grandparents is such a lovely thing for a child that it's worth persevering.

hedgehogsdontbite · 11/05/2015 08:57

I guess I just see how my own DM is with her & see the bond they are forming already and compare that with PIL.

Your mum won't be worried about your disapproval in the same way as your inlaws. Don't forget she's seen you through the teenage years so it's probably water off a ducks back to her.

slithytove · 11/05/2015 08:58

Then build on that routine and you will soon be able to leave her. Her naps will get longer too I think. I have a toddler as well so have had to adjust naps, so they both just go down for about 2 hours in the middle of the day and then dd cat naps if she feels the need.

You can also try and stretch the time between feeds if you want.

Theas18 · 11/05/2015 09:06

Give them a chance! It's like you read about dads not wanting to bath babies etc because Mum always says their way is wrong.

Bluetrews25 · 11/05/2015 09:10

Looking at it practically, you need regular, reliable childcare.
PILs go off on lots of holidays.
I would suggest you book a 5-day place at nursery, so there are no sudden gaps to fill.You might find that the nursery is happier to give you a 5-day place anyway, as they will find it harder to 'sell' that remaining day.
GPs then get to have their go at the weekends (or, if you are really really lucky) will take over when DC is poorly and not able to go to nursery (but not so ill as to be needing Mum) then you can still work. (Or was I the only person ever to have a Mum who would do this for me, and DCs who were fine to be fussed over at Granny's when off-colour?!)

And have you ever noticed how many threads there are on here with parents unhappy at GPs in relation to childminding?!

Grapejuicerocks · 11/05/2015 09:10

I'd definitely do the one day, on the basis that you may also need them to cover illness, if they are agreeable. Suggest you review it later after a trial period, with no obligation to do any, keep it the same one day, or to increase it to two days.