PIL looking after DD

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Please be gentle with me. This is my first time posting here. I'll try to be brief but don't want to drip feed.

First off I'd like to say my PIL are lovely people who I get on extremely well with and they've never been any more than welcoming to me.

When DD was first born we discussed PIL (both retired) looking after her one day a week when I returned to work. We were very grateful for this as my own DM & DF still work full time. Now DD is 3mo and we've found a nursery that we really like for her so wanted to get germane down ASAP. DH then announced that PIL wanted to take DD for 2 days a week meaning we only needed nursery for 3 days. I had reservations because 2 days every week is a big commitment. They go on a 3-4 holidays/mini-breaks a year meaning we'd need to find alternative arrangements. All this is fine though, and completely workable.

My concern is the way they are with DD. They both dote on her completely (1st GC) but they seem to me kind of "awkward" with her. They still insist on holding her in the "cradle position" even though both me & DH have said she hates that and prefers to be upright so she can see what's going on. If she starts crying she either immediately gets passed back to one of us or they just make it worse. An example being when DD started fussing the other day, I said "oh, she's due a nap, she'll be tired", DMIL's response was to jingle a toy in her face and say her name over & over really loudly which just made it worse I had to be firm & just take her off her so she could go to sleep. Considering they had 2 babies themselves they don't seem to know how to behave around DD. I'm not precious about her (I don't think) but I can tell when she's not entirely comfortable.

I'm not going back to work until DD is nearly 10mo so I know she'll be a completely different baby by then. I just worry that she's not going to enjoy being at her GP's IYSWIM. They can be quite uptight & get stressed about the tiniest things. I can only imagine what it'll be like with a 10mo baby pulling herself up on furniture all the time & crawling about everywhere.

AIBU? DH says I should just be grateful (which I am! But still worry about DD not enjoying being there). Sorry for the length, thanks for reading if you made it this far

How does your nursery charge? The one I use has a discounted rate for full time, which basically equates to three days. My pils were keen to take mine some of the time, but I put them in full time for that reason and told them they could take them out for the afternoon when they wanted. Tbh I would not think they would be up to full days, especially with my two. They pick them up early from nursery twice a week and bring them back once I'm home. It doesn't really help me, as the nursery is open to 630 anyway, but it means they get to spend time with them in short manageable bursts!

Not read all the responses so apologies if things have already been said...
yes yab a little unreasonable as she is still very "new" and they might just be deferring to you sp as not to upset you or over step the mark, also I am guessing it's a minimum of 20 years since they had babies around so they might not feel confident.

my recommendation would be to let them have her for a couple of hours every week and build up slowly. my dd plays up and fusses like made when I am about but when I left her with my fil for the first time she was fine! treat it like you would the settling in sessions at nursery.

when are you planning to go back to work?

From the OP. I'm not going back to work until DD is nearly 10mo

Just to say I had the same worries when DD was very small as my (absolutely lovely) MIL wasn't that comfortable holding her etc but PIL were due to do a day a week for us when I went back to work. Roll on to 10m and it was absolutely fine - in fact DD napped far better for them than she ever did for me!

I do wonder whether two full days might be a bit much for them though - my PIL do Friday 9:30 to 4:30 which is plenty, and they're only 66 and 60 respectively and in excellent health. We now have DS 23m as well as DD who's now 5.5 and PIL have had them both for two nights a couple of times - they need an early night and a few afterwards!

DH and I look after 2 of our GC one day a week. We started with DGS when he was 9 months and, at first, I felt very awkward doing nappies, etc, as it was 30odd years since my last baby. Fast forward to now and we look after a 4yo and 2yo - and love every minute. Yes, we're tired at the end of the day, but we have wonderful relationships with DGC. We look upon our day as very special and try to organise fun experiences, not necessarily things which cost a lot of money, but interesting activities.

Please give your PILs a chance.

NUFC, thank you. It's good to hear the POV of GPs in this, especially such a positive experience as yours
I don't want anyone to think I don't trust my PIL, I have a really good relationship with them and I'd like to think that if there were any problems on either side with the childcare arrangement then we'd be able to discuss it with each other openly. DH is very supportive too.

As PPs have said it is difficult to start to contemplate leaving your baby with anyone, even though it's still 7 months away. It's my choice to go back to work FT though and for now I think it's the right decision. I realise I'm very lucky to have such a good support system to allow me to do this.
Thank you everyone for your input, it's given me a lot to think about over the next few months.

Missing I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My mum is a bit like your ILs - loves DS but clueless about naps, tired signs etc. She's also anti-routine and on the rare occasions I've left him with her seems toactively sabotage ours (which isn't very strict - just based on putting him down for a nap when he's been awake for 2 hours -he's 6 months old). It's v annoying ("Well you kids never had routines and you're fine!" - Yes Mum and you were a SAHM for 12 years...)

On the rare occasions she's babysat I've come home to find DS wide eyed and manic with tiredness ("oh he didn't want to sleep! I sang to him, I read him stories but he wouldn't fall asleep" - the idea of putting him in his cot in a dark quiet room doesn't seem to occur...) I've seen it with my older sister who needed to rely on mum for childcare for financial reasons - sister said she just had to bite her lip, accept the free childcare & accept the fact that her boys routine would be shot to shit! I'd rather keep things a bit more routiney, for selfish reasons as I find it makes life a bit more predictable, and also because I hate to see DS get cranky and over-tired, it makes me feel guilty!

Anyway I am going back to work soon for 3 part time days and I'm sending him to nursery. We're obviously lucky to have GPs who love him & would like to look after him but I thought better to have the regular routine of the nursery and if the GPs want to spend the day with him, or if they are happy to provide back up when he's sick & can't go then it's great to have that option.

Missing YANBU. I can understand how you feel. I have a great relationship with my PIL and they have DD (16 months) once a week overnight. They have had her since she was about 3 months old. It's nothing to do with childcare, they have always wanted to spend one day a week with each of their 3 GC (2 By SIL). The kids seem to love it.

Bearing all this in mind PIL still react to situations (nap time, food, feeding, bath and bedtime) in a way I never would and in some cases it makes some difficult situations worse. EG DD throwing a mini strop at meal time. Instead of allowing her to calm down, DMIL starts singing and waving random objects in front of her which winds her up even more. Someone mentioned the routine sabotage. Totally get that too. DMIL still gives DD bottles through the day when she stopped having daytime bottles a while ago.

They do lots of things I would never do. In the past it used to really wind me up and irritate me. But, over time I have almost overcome my anxieties and irritation. I have come to accept they will never do things the way DH and I do things. At the end of the day, they love DD and she seems happy with them and I know they have her best interest at heart.

My advise to you, maybe give them a little break. They will never hav your instincts about what works to settle your baby but they sound like loving PIL who want to help.