Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what kind of woman puts a man before her children?

101 replies

ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 18:43

If one of your children expressed an opinion that they hated your partner, and the partner was also unpleasant to the child you wouldn't pick the partner over the child would you? Well this is exactly what a girl I know has done, despite her filling Facebook with decelerations of how much she apparently loves her kids. If she really loved her kids she'd put their needs before everything wouldn't she?

I'm absolutey appalled and genuinely concerned for the child involved. There is already social service involvement with the family, surely you'd think that would make her buck her ideas up?

Selfish bitch! Angry

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/05/2015 18:50

Does she have very low self esteem, and if so, maybe she fears being alone if she throws this man out?

That isn't in any way an excuse for condoning abuse or poor treatment of her child, but it may go some way towards explaining her decision, however poor that decision is.

ollieplimsoles · 09/05/2015 18:54

This was a one of my family members, she has had two partners who were utter shits, she married one if them, all three kids moved out one by one to live with their dad.
She didn't have any self esteem issues let me assure you, she was just incredibly selfish.

SaucyJack · 09/05/2015 18:58

A lonely one. HTH.

Now- if you've got nothing nice to say yadda yadda yadda.

WhetherOrNot · 09/05/2015 18:59

Children aren't the be all and end all of EVERYBODY'S lives you know.

Littlemonstersrule · 09/05/2015 19:01

I would imagine it's very common sadly but both sexes do it. Some people are just very selfish or can't live without a partner in their life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/05/2015 19:01

By he's unplesant to the child what exactly do you mean?

woowoo22 · 09/05/2015 19:02
Hmm

Why have them then?

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 19:02

Loads of people do this to varying degrees. Men and women. Its upsetting to see.

Original poster
ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 19:03

If your children are'nt going to be the be all and end all of your lives then you shouldn't have them.

OP posts:
fortunately · 09/05/2015 19:04

Ouch. Sort those judgy pants out OP, they must be crawling halfway up your lower intestine.... Hmm

PeachyPants · 09/05/2015 19:04

It's depressing, I've seen parents prioritise their abusive partners over their children time and time again. If you've chosen to have children then they should be the be all and end all while they are young enough to still be dependent on you.

TheBookofRuth · 09/05/2015 19:04

They should be if they're your own, WhetherOrNot.

RainbowFlutterby · 09/05/2015 19:04

A good parent always puts their child's needs first and always considers their wants. Needs and wants are not the same thing.

My nan told me that when I was pregnant and I try very hard to keep it in mind.

OrionsAccessory · 09/05/2015 19:05

My mum did this. She got into a relationship very soon after splitting with my dad, she was in a shitty place emotionally and he was very very controlling and manipulative. I was fucking miserable and very angry with her for some time after the relationship ended but can see it from an adult perspective now and realise that she's just a human being like the rest of us and she fucked up. It happens.

TerracottaTilesAreSlippy · 09/05/2015 19:06

My 'Mother' did this to me & my siblings. Haven't seen her for 25 years now. She's a cunt.

PeachyPants · 09/05/2015 19:06

Judging someone choosing a partner who is unpleasant to their children is not unreasonable.

Original poster
ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 19:07

Too right I'm judging someone who's sex life is obviously more important than her child.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/05/2015 19:07

If you choose to have children, Whetherornot, then you have a responsibility to care for their welfare. If your partner/husband is hurting your child (physically, mentally or emotionally), you should stop that, surely? Or is it OK for an adult to hurt a child, and should the parent condone that hurting?

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 09/05/2015 19:07

But you don't know if children are going to be the be all and end all of your life until you have them.

What a stupid thing to say.

So a woman gives birth and has PND and is very ill, she looks after the baby as best she can but doesn't feel the way she has heard / expected she will.

On this basis she should never have had the child? What do you want her to do, turn back time? Stuff it back in? Give it away?

What on earth...

Original poster
ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 19:12

Having children is a choice, when you make that decision to have them then surely if you have a brain cell between ears you know they completely depend on you for everything.

Comparing PND to selfish mothers is very insulting actually.

OP posts:
PeachyPants · 09/05/2015 19:13

What do you want her to do, turn back time? Stuff it back in? Give it away? err no just not continue a relationship with a man who treats her children badly. Loads of women have had PND, including me, don't try and excuse prioritising a man over your kids on this basis.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 09/05/2015 19:14

It's very insulting to say that people who don't feel that children are the "be all and end all" from the get go should never have had them.

You don't know how you're going to feel until you've had them 2 posters have said that people who don't feel attached or whatever should never have had them.

How are people supposed to have a crystal ball that's a really upsetting comment comment.

Perfectlypurple · 09/05/2015 19:15

People on abusive relationships often cannot think clearly. Often they have been abused in the past and think it is normal. Often they are just too damn scared to try to change their lives. Often they are not being selfish, they just don't know what else to do.

I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I have empathy for those that have/are and I have taken the time to understand the dynamics of a lot of these relationships.

RainbowFlutterby · 09/05/2015 19:15

Is the child being treated badly? Or is it just a clash of personalities? And how old is the child?

I really hated my own mother for a while.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 09/05/2015 19:16

Who is talking about a man? Two posters on this thread have said that if your children aren't the be all and end all of your life you should never have had them full stop.

I don't see how people are supposed to know this, you don't know how it's going to go. Loads of threads on here with women who are agonising as they feel they haven't connected properly and are struggling posts like these I mean what are they supposed to do.