To wonder what kind of woman puts a man before her children?

[ElectricTurnip]

If one of your children expressed an opinion that they hated your partner, and the partner was also unpleasant to the child you wouldn't pick the partner over the child would you? Well this is exactly what a girl I know has done, despite her filling Facebook with decelerations of how much she apparently loves her kids. If she really loved her kids she'd put their needs before everything wouldn't she?

I'm absolutey appalled and genuinely concerned for the child involved. There is already social service involvement with the family, surely you'd think that would make her buck her ideas up?

Selfish bitch!

No kind. End of.

I don't think children have to be the 'be all and end all' - I think families where the children are completely in charge and where the parents have no relationship other than Mum and Dad can often be as unhealthy as those who are neglected (I don't mean one where the family is child centred - I mean one where the kids set the rules and the parents run around after the).

However the number one job as a parent is to protect your child. I don't understand anyone who would put their partner before the child in a situation where the child was being abused or ill treated. I'll never forgive my mother for standing by when my father abused us, or for abusing us herself because it gave them an alliance and protected her.

I also know one where the child was told in the middle of his exams that her father wasn't biologically her father because his step-father chucked it at her when they had a row. Step-dad wanted her to babysit two little sisters and skip an exam (because she was thick anyway so it didn't matter...). It was thrown when the girl said she was going to live with her Dad because she was sick of being an unpaid babysitter and having him belittle her. She moved out taking one backpack and her step-dad binned every other thing in her room, including clothes and photos. She left Wednesday and by Sunday her room had been redecorated for one of the younger children as they no longer need to share. her mother still fumes that her daughter is closer to her step-mother... Now the next child is hitting teenage years, surprise surprise, she's starting to spend more time at her Gran's and her Mum rants and raves about how ungrateful she is.

In a non abusive relationship I think it's ok to put your partner first. I had my dc thinking that they would be with me for 18/21 years, but my dh would be with me for life.

If my dh ever was horrid to our dc then I would put my dc first. They deserve to grow up warm, fed, safe and happy.

I don't think that that is terribly child centred, or sacrificing myself. I would not be happy if my children weren't.

I think hmm2 has it about right. Children should not be prioritised to the exclusion/detriment of the partner, and partners should not be prioritised to the exclusion/detriment of the children. And of course the woman should be allowed some priority too! But again, not to the detriment of the children.

There is no way that the "world" has become too child-centred - a small minority of parents have chosen that route, but in general children are still not priorities in many many places.

I hated my mums partner.
He was a dickhead, and a bully. The type to not say anything to a full grown man at a pub, then come home and take it out on us.
Never physically abusive, but always throwing his weight around, screaming at shouting at 13 and 15 year old girls.
He made my teenage years fucking hell, and if I ever dared to complain, all I ever heard was how selfish I was, because my Mum 'deserved to be happy'.
We obviously did not have that right.
YANBU

And the 'deserve to be happy' comments didn't even really come from my Mum, they came from my ENTIRE family.
That was because I was always the loud one who would argue back.
That made me the 'little bitch' according to everyone. He would make my Mum upset because he been abusive, or spent all the money down the pub, or cheated on her yet again, and when she would have a meltdown over someone not doing the washing up she would tell everyone she was so down because 'Timri won't stop arguing with everyone'.
I was constantly told I was selfish, because I argued back, but then people seemed to be baffled that I had no friends and no self esteem.
Mothers like the one you describe and ones like mine actually tend to take it one step further than merely chosing a man over their children.
They also proceed to blame their children for their own complete and utter selfishness.

I think lots and lots of people do this actually. They are just in denial about it. They prefer to dismiss their children's feelings about a new partner as a normal/understandable reaction to the break-up with their father or just about having to to share their mother, instead of listening to what they really have to say. In the end some people just think that as the adult their feelings and choices should trump the child's.

It's actually very easy for a parent to spout off about how much they love their kids and always put them first without doing any such thing.

Timri that is what my Dsis is doing. She spouts the same rubbish i.e. 'It's my life and it's got nothing to do with anyone who I go out with' or 'It's my house I decide who lives here not Dniece'. Never mind it's supposed to be the children's house too and they deserve to be able to live there without fear of abuse. If we say anything negative about her partner then we are judging her and interfering.
If it was just a case of the children feeling pushed out and jealous of a new partner then we wouldn't interfere but when he is abusive I can't just remain silent and let her get on with it. I fear for the mental health of all of her children but I don't know how to help them.

It must be awful for you, but at least you are there looking out for DNiece, I never had that.
From people personal experience, I don't think there is much you can do, apart from being her 'ally' as such, and let her know that you see what's really going on, just validate her.
I really believe that if I had at least one person to do that for me, it wouldn't have been as bad.
Of course it would have still affected me badly, but I never understood why everyone called me selfish for arguing back, in reality my 'arguing' back consisted of shouting 'I haven't done anything wrong' or ' why can't you leave me alone' etc.
When everyone tells you you're wrong for doing that, it does make you doubt yourself, I spent many a teenage night sobbing myself to sleep thinking 'what's wrong with me', I felt like everyone hated me, and were so concerned about my mums pain, that they made me feel so guilty for having my own pain (that my mum and her bf were the ones inflicting )
It can be crippling to someone's ego, and self belief, especially when in all other walks of life, we were told to always stand up for yourself
Sorry for waffling, but thank God for DNiece that she has has you seeing clearly what's going on here.

Not out and out and abuse, but an obvious difference in how the child is being treated compared to their siblings(the partner isn't this childs dad), admitting to others that he dislikes the child, some name calling as well

I would call that emotional abuse. Can you imagine living in a house with an abuser who is openly hostile to you but that's ok because they're not sexually or physically abusing you. On top of that you should accept that abuse as Timri says cause he makes your mum happy, she deserves to be happy.

Being a parent doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice your happiness and your own needs and wants for those of your child. However it doesn't give you the right to bring an abusive partner into the lives of your children.

Yes I judge, yes my judgye pants are up my ass but I will call these parents cunts. Cock before kids as I've seen posted on MN on other threads. Disgusting and complicit in the abuse of their own kids. My thoughts are with those who had to live through this kind of abuse.

Thanks Timri for your kind words that is some comfort. I will continue to be my niece's ally but it feels like so little :(

It's not little, Gamer, not at all.
Your niece won't forget you bring there for her and it'll make a lot of difference to her.

Tons of people on here. You see it all the time, the person who has a partner who has serious problems, is abusive, a dick, whatever, and she/he stays with them and her kids from a previous relationship just have to put up with it.

My mother put her violent boyfriend above me and my siblings. At the time I couldn't understand it, and I still don't.

I saw this a lot from the position of the child when I was a teenager. Several of my friends had divorced parents and were unhappy with their new blended families. In the best cases, it was just that mum or dad's new partner was irritating, or weird, or they were pissed off at having to share a room/family occasions with step siblings they didn't really know that well. Not very nice but they sucked it up and accepted it for the sake of the their parent. I really felt for them, I would have hated it. Why did they have to be adult and responsible for their parents happiness, they were just kids.

In the worst cases it was awful. one friend had his contact with his dad whittled right down to very occasional visits (from 50/50) because his new wife found it 'too stressful' to be making up a bed for him or putting out an extra plate for dinner too often. In reality she just didn't really like him or his sister. His dad was a weak fool who didn't want to be alone, so went along with it, and managed to irreparably damage his relationship with his son. They get on okay now, but I don't think my friend ever got over the rejection. He still only has sporadic contact with his dad when the wife is not around. Another friend's dad just moved house with his new wife and didn't bother to tell her and her sibling where he was moving to. Her mum had to hire a private detective to find him, FFS! Because his new partner wanted a 'fresh start'.

I actually don't know what the fuck is wrong with people like this, but something isn't right. If your children aren't your first and last priority, you're a selfish prick, or have some mental/emotional issues that need help. Either way, if my dh dies or we divorce, I won't be looking for a partner until my children are adults and completely comfortable with it. If they're happy I'm happy. Might sound sanctimonious but I don't think it's too much of a hardship to put them first whilst they're children. It's not for long, and its important for me that they have a secure childhood.

Whilst my DM never did need to put my DF before us, she always made it abundantly clear that she would if she had to make a choice. I remember clearly her saying that if we all fell in a river that she would save my DF, as 'He was around long before you two and will be around after you've left home. I didn't choose your personalities but I did choose your Dad's, so that's just how I feel'... Cheers Mum.

FWIW neither me or my DSis are close to her at all now. She probably sees this as vindication of her attitude, whereas the truth is she always made us feel like we came last, if push came to shove.

I am really surprised at bedrocks post. Many mn'ers are on second marriages or had step brothers/sisters themselves.
I don't have experience of either, but I don't believe that children are so precious, that a person who divorced or , better still what about if your darling husband/wife passes away? You don't deserve a second marriage? Of course you do!!children aren't that precious!! They are adaptable, you know!

MIL has done this all her life to all the children from her marriages. If my DM had treated me the way she treats them, I'd have been NC years ago. However, they all say that you shouldn't bear grudges and quite simply enable her to carry on behaving totally selfishly. I'll never understand why, as adults, they do this.

'Children are adaptable' is true to a point. They are adaptable if you lose everything and they have to sleep in a drawer. They are adaptable if you have to move house, change school or put them into childcare.

They are not adaptable to being emotionally, physically, sexually abused (the most dangerous thing you can do statistically is bring an unrelated male into the home.)

They are not adaptable to having to share their home with someone they are scared of, feel upset by, feel doesn't welcome them.

Children aren't that precious? Mine are! Don't forget if your husband or wife dies, your children have lost their father or mother! I'm with bedrock on this. I am a single mother; I do not want or need to disrupt my children's lives by finding a man!

Some step parents are great and can bring a lot into dcs lives. I do think it's a bit unrealistic to suggest lps shouldn't have another relationship till dcs are 18 or 21, especially where they may have been alone since pregnancy for example. Obviously they must choose the new partner as a prospective great step parent too and dcs wellbeing should remain the priority for the parent and step parent.

My mum did this. Several times.

First time I was 6 - SF beat me, and mentally abused me. Later on it became sexual abuse. She didn't divorce him until I was 15.

She then leapt straight into another relationship with another man. He was fairly nice...until he got drunk. He then got very verbally abusive (not just to me but to everyone). He died about 6 years ago.

A few weeks after than, my mum started in a new relationship with dead partner's best mate. He was a nasty shite and I barely spoke two words to him (I didn't live with her). He pushed my sister around several times, whilst my mum watched, and she did nothing.

DH is Step-Dad to DS1. We met when he was 18 months old and he met him for the first time just after he turned 2. DS1 is 9 now and has called DH Dad for years. DH is an amazing step-parent. I feel lucky every day that I met someone lovely that DS1 loves, and who loves him in return. Remaining a lone parent long-term is fine, but so is meeting someone new so long as it doesn't have a negative impact on your DCs.

All that aside, my children come first. If DH mistreated either of them for even a second, it would be over. Likewise, if DH ever believed I'd mistreated them he'd put things right and protect them. Thankfully you don't often have to choose between partner and children, but if you did, there can be no choice.

Singing Samosa

Gamer as minou said it's not a little at all, it will mean more to your DNiece than you can imagine!
As I said thank god she has you!!!

And yes to everything fiveacres said.
I also think it's worth remembering that in SP situations, the adults are in the relationship through choice, but the children are not.