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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what kind of woman puts a man before her children?

101 replies

ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 18:43

If one of your children expressed an opinion that they hated your partner, and the partner was also unpleasant to the child you wouldn't pick the partner over the child would you? Well this is exactly what a girl I know has done, despite her filling Facebook with decelerations of how much she apparently loves her kids. If she really loved her kids she'd put their needs before everything wouldn't she?

I'm absolutey appalled and genuinely concerned for the child involved. There is already social service involvement with the family, surely you'd think that would make her buck her ideas up?

Selfish bitch! Angry

OP posts:
VelvetRose · 09/05/2015 19:31

That just about describes my mil whatthese. I feel for you and your sister.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/05/2015 19:38

Whirlpool - even with PND, many mothers still put their children's needs first. Even with an emotional disconnect. PND is awful but it doesn't stop everyone who has it from caring for their children.

It's not really about children being the "be all and end all" - it's accepting the responsibility to care for your children that you chose to have.

I'll take the judgeypants too because I can't understand it either. I could never prioritise a man over my children and I do think it's selfish to stay with one who abuses the children, whether emotionally, verbally or physically.

bananaramadramallama · 09/05/2015 19:45

You say ss are involved - do they know the full extent of how he treats the child and what he has said etc?
I hope someone else is looking out for the poor child, because his mother clearly isn't.

fiveacres · 09/05/2015 19:47

My dad was like this - just to address the 'some women' comments here.

My mother died. Our stepmother was vile.

I won't have another relationship until my kids leave home.

PlummyBrummy · 09/05/2015 19:59

My DM did this. She had an unhappy marriage and got together with a toyboy who made her laugh for the first time in a long time. Sadly he is also a narcissistic manipulative lecherous fucktard which became obvious to us kids after a short whole. But by then she'd invested a lot in the relationship and he'd moved in. He got rid of my DB quite quickly but I hung on despite him being utterly vile to me and me letting mum know. She told me to stop bring so provocative. I coped until one drunken night he propositioned me. I've been NC with mum for periods of time about it but she refuses to acknowledge the situation let alone that I have a valid reason for hating the very sight of him. She's told people I'm just being awkward and I'll get over it. I won't. It's made more difficult now she looks after my DD one day a week and wants her to stay overnight.

feckitall · 09/05/2015 20:05

I think it is more common than most people would think..
DM met a man when I was 4, DB was 3, they married when I was 17, he had only ever spoken to us a handful of times. DGM did 99% of childcare for her. I left home at 19 because I wasn't welcome. DB left at 16 to join the army a couple of months after they moved in together.
In the subsequent years he has only spoken to me half a dozen times, usually one word answers to questions.
My DC have never been to grans.
DM has never been to my house.
She has only met 1 of her DGGC. We met in the town centre and went to a pub for half an hour.
We speak on the phone maybe a couple of times a year.
She lives 25 miles away.

We actually get on well when we do see each other I just don't want to be ignored by her idiot husband so we dont see each other very often.
It is her choice. His family are more important...she sees his DS frequently. As long as she doesn't expect us to provide care in her later years. She hasn't seen my brother in years.

I'm 48 years old

hmm2 · 09/05/2015 20:06

think this all depends on the nature of how the child is being treated many families have a favoured child thats treated differently to the others. many children hate their parents and / or partners of, and will cause problems for them for no real reason. many people call each other names in the heat of an argument. Many people suffer mental and emotional issues and have trouble making informed rational decisions. So unless we know all the details i think it is very judgemental to express disgust of the mothers choices.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 20:06

plummy why on earth does she look after your DD? Shock doesnt it jar a bit with you that you are posting on a thread about parents who put a partner before their DC an then go on to say you leave your child with that very person who let her partner be so vile to you and your brother? Confused

ChaiseLounger · 09/05/2015 20:09

It's different if the partner is abusive.

But putting your partner first is not necessarily a crime. I put Dh first often. Without him I wouldn't have a marriage, and without that there wouldnt be no family for ds's to be part of.
I think the world is currently too child centred.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/05/2015 20:16

I was thinking about this yesterday. And maybe men put their new partner first sometimes too, but when a child is murdered through neglect or abuse, the majority of the time it's by the mum's new boyfriend. And there have been warning signs and she's ignored them.
When I was a teenager, the message at school was that if you have a baby and split with the dad it will be very difficult to find another partner. But these days some couples seem to split up and move in new partners within weeks.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/05/2015 20:20

ChaiseLounger, I have heard relationship experts say that you should put your partner first. And I agree with that in a non-abusive relationship.

fiveacres · 09/05/2015 20:21

What's the rationale for that?

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 09/05/2015 20:26

fiveacres do you mean the rationale for putting your partner first? If so I think it's because you're a stronger team, you both feel supported, and that gives you the foundations to support your children effectively.
But does get more complicated with second partners.
If you meant something else, ignore this!

fiveacres · 09/05/2015 20:31

No I did mean that :)

I'd hope my children feel listened to, always. Even if that is something I don't want to hear.

RubyMay82 · 09/05/2015 20:39

Children aren't the be all & end all?
They bloody should be.
When I was growing up there 3 prominent men in my Mum's life over the years.
All wankers.
Won't bore with details but she is seriously mentally damaged due to the guy she was with in my teens & I can't believe she inflicted that on herself or me.
I carry resentment still, they were always priority over myself & I've swore & will stick by it no man will ever come between me & my daughter or come before her.
If that means I'm single for the next 20 years so be it.
She's priority, this is her house, her life !
Over my dead body would some wanker invade on her life or space because of me putting my needs first.
Some women just don't like being alone which is a shame is it's 50x better than being attached & miserable !

Aermingers · 09/05/2015 20:40

You don't know if the mother is trying to resolve this without immediately resorting to booting him out. Considering there are other children involved who are his I would have a lot more respect for someone who tried routes such as family counselling rather than immediately kicking him out.

Also there are often considerations such as finances and housing which may prevent splitting impossible. And while going to a refuge is definitely something you should do if there is violence; if a teenager is just rowing with their step father it's not worth it and they probably wouldn't accept her anyway.

hmm2 · 09/05/2015 20:45

but it shouldn't be about putting anyone first it should be a team working together to fulfil everyones needs and prioritising wants fairly to prevent resentment or entitlement that damages everyone.

RubyMay82 · 09/05/2015 20:46

To put on the other foot my little ones "Dad" who is unemployed, apparently selling drugs & currently on a police curfew for car theft (we all make mistakes) is currently shacked up with a girl after a matter of weeks who has a 12 year old daughter.
It makes me SAD that poor kid is being subjected to a guy that's never been in his own kids life cause her mum will put out to anyone for some free drugs Hmm
Anyone that knowingly let's someone like that into their kids life should be closely watched it's a recipe for disaster !

GraysAnalogy · 09/05/2015 20:47

There was recently a thread on Reddit that absolutely disgusted me. It was basically a load of people going on about how they distance themselves away from their children sometimes because they interfere with their marriage and the marriage is the most important thing. And that the strength of a father-daughter bond can make wives jealous and uncomfortable so that should be held back too Hmm There were loads of people agreeing, I got down voted a lot for saying how ridiculous they were.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/05/2015 21:46

"It is far more common for a man to pick a partner over his children."

I suspect that this is because they are less likely to be the RP.

fiveacres · 09/05/2015 21:48

The percentage of children going into care after the death of the children's mother is far higher than when it's the other way round- I don't think it's just not being the RP that does it.

gottachangethename1 · 09/05/2015 22:00

My dh's stepfather died last week. Mil had always put him before her children. Luckily for her they didn't hold a grudge towards their mum despite the vile treatment they received from him & her constant defence of her partner. However, It is obvious that emotionally he damaged all 3 of them for life. Even after his death mil still sings his bloody praises. Stupid woman.

gabsdot45 · 09/05/2015 23:46

It's too simple to say that children should come before a partner.
My sister left a horribly unhappy marriage. She had 2 teenagers and at the start she stayed in the same town as her ex and shared custody.
Last year she remarried and moved an hour away. She gave the children the option to come and live with her and her new husband but they both refused and they live with their dad.
Let's just say he's not' dad of the year' by a long way and it's a very difficult situation.
My sister suffered mental abuse at the hand of her ex and now her oldest son treats her in a similar way. She's not totally innocent in the whole thing, there is always 3 sides to these things (his, hers and the while truth) but she has been so much happier since she remarried. I spoke to her a few months after the wedding and asked her how it was going and she said, in a voice of wonder, "he's so nice to me". It nearly made me cry, people are supposed to be nice to you, especially your husband.
Anyway. I think my sister made the right choice for her own well being to move away from her ex. She's always hopeful that the children will come and live with her.

CapnMurica · 10/05/2015 00:01

My cousin has allowed her daughter to be bullied by her boyfriend. She has two sons with him - but her daughter lives with her dad.

In her case, she put her own feelings about the man (and possibly her need for another child) well above her daughter's wellbeing. I couldn't do that.

Aermingers · 10/05/2015 00:05

Why can't her and her new partner go and live in the children's home town rather than uprooting them?

It's nice that she's happy n'all, but she's given her children a choice between losing all their friends, leaving school and everything they know or staying with someone who's mentally abusive.

It's not much of a choice really.