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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what kind of woman puts a man before her children?

101 replies

ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 18:43

If one of your children expressed an opinion that they hated your partner, and the partner was also unpleasant to the child you wouldn't pick the partner over the child would you? Well this is exactly what a girl I know has done, despite her filling Facebook with decelerations of how much she apparently loves her kids. If she really loved her kids she'd put their needs before everything wouldn't she?

I'm absolutey appalled and genuinely concerned for the child involved. There is already social service involvement with the family, surely you'd think that would make her buck her ideas up?

Selfish bitch!

OP posts:

fortunately · 09/05/2015 19:17

I'd feel sorry that she was evidently so insecure and had such a lack of self esteem that she would put her kids in this position.

Whilst feeling sorry for the kids too.

woowoo22 · 09/05/2015 19:17

Whirlpool

That's really offensive. I had PND and loved and cared for my baby really well. My baby kept me going (he still does sometimes ) . You are conflating two different things.

If you find out they are not the be all after you have them you have a duty as a parent to care for them and take care of their needs by dint of BEING THEIR PARENT. If you can't do that then yes, someone else should.

Original poster

ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 19:18

He is treating the child badly. Not out and out and abuse, but an obvious difference in how the child is being treated compared to their siblings(the partner isn't this childs dad), admitting to others that he dislikes the child, some name calling as well.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 19:18

Umm there is a difference between not feeling your children are the be all and end all and allowing someone to be abusive to them!

You can think your kids arent all that fab and fulfil your responsibility as a parent to protect them.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 09/05/2015 19:19

What is offensive? Two posters on this thread have said that if children aren't the be all and end all of your life then you shouldn't have had them. Lots of women struggle especially in the early days. They look after them but the emotional side is hard, a lot of women don't feel particularly connected.

woowoo22 · 09/05/2015 19:19

x posts.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 09/05/2015 19:20

I would agree with that curlysue, I think that's right.

SurlyCue · 09/05/2015 19:20

Thinking kids arent so great doesnt mean you should just say "fuck'em" and let other people treat them like shite. That would be an active choice you made. Not being overcome with joy at the existence of your child isnt.

woowoo22 · 09/05/2015 19:21

But the comment is on a thread about a partner being unpleasant to their child.

Therefore in context the shouldn't have had them stands.

Who is going to stand up for those kids if the parents don't?

Original poster

ElectricTurnip · 09/05/2015 19:22

Insinuating that mothers with PND don't put their children first is very bloody offensive Whirlpool. PND is a mental illness, it is absolutely incomparable as far as I am concerned.

OP posts:

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 09/05/2015 19:22

Yes I think there is enough pressure on parents especially mothers and especially in the early days, you read so many posts on here with women struggling as they aren't feeling how they expected. I don't think that makes them terrible parents and you can't be retrospective with this can you, you can't put it back.

Fairy13 · 09/05/2015 19:22

I agree completely.

Leaving DSs father was the hardest thing I've ever done, I loved him so so much but he was abusive. I didn't want my son to grow up around that and fundamentally I love my son more than I will ever love another person so that was that.

OTOH I watched DSDs mother ditch her for whichever man would have her. Abusive ones, violent ones, ones that didn't want DSD to visit. But then, she hasn't bothered to patent her for 9 years and everything, no matter how spurious (once missed a birthday party because she was waiting in for someone else's parcel to be delivered!) comes before her child.

I had to leave my precious step daughter behind when I left because I had no choice. I don't understand how she could be anything less than the most important thing in her parents lives.

PeachyPants · 09/05/2015 19:23

You may not be able to change how you feel about your kids and lots of women do have problems bonding with their children but you are responsible for your own behaviour and choosing to be in a relationship with a man who is treating them badly is inexcusable. I accept that some people stay in these relationships because of their own poor self esteem but my sympathy in these cases really does lie with the children who have no choice in the situation, their needs should be paramount.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 09/05/2015 19:23

I'm not insinuating that mothers with PND don't look after their children

I am saying that for many women they don't feel straight away that their children are the "be all and end all" and to tell them they should never have had them is a really harsh thing to say. Not least because it's too late.

formerbabe · 09/05/2015 19:23

Whirlpool, you are confusing two separate things. Just because someone is struggling with parenthood and not connecting emotionally with their child doesn't mean their child is not their number one priority.

Fwiw, there's not a man in the world I'd pick over my children.

Canyouforgiveher · 09/05/2015 19:23

In the situation the Op describes, I don't think you can really know what is unreasonable/who is doing what unless you are actually in that family.

But in general, I think it is not that uncommon for women to pick a man over their children. I know several adults it happened to.

It is far more common for a man to pick a partner over his children.

Confused26 · 09/05/2015 19:25

Whether you feel you're children are the "be all and end all" or not, you have responsibilities to care for them properly and attempt to not fuck them up by exposing them to abuse.

As a parent you should priotise your child's NEEDS above your own WANTS. If you can't do that then you shouldn't be parenting.

woowoo22 · 09/05/2015 19:26

In the context of this thread the "children are not the be all and end all" is totally callous.

VelvetRose · 09/05/2015 19:27

I find it absolutely incomprehensible that people do this. Standing by while someone is abusive to your child is just completely against everything that it means to be a parent. I felt that way with terrible pnd just as I do today.

I think the earlier comment that children are not the be all and end all in this context is really upsetting.

We're not talking about someone wanting to go out to work or go on a holiday without their child here we're talking about standing by while someone mistreats your child!

whattheseithakasmean · 09/05/2015 19:28

My mum left my dad for a vile alcoholic who treats us like shit. She has a needy side to her personality & like a lot of needy people, is very selfish to achieve her own needs. She is also very good at compartmentalising and rewriting history to make her actions more palatable to herself.

I love my mum but I pity her tragic relationship & resent the loser she has dumped into the life of me and my sister.

In conclusion, my mum has admirable qualities, but is also selfish & needy and thinks it is essential to have a man in your life, no matter how worthless. I judge that about her, but I can't change her.

Confused26 · 09/05/2015 19:29

Oh god, awful grammar and spelling mistakes. Excuse me.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 09/05/2015 19:29

A bad one. I'm gobsmacked at some of the comments defending the mother in this situation.

BettyCatKitten · 09/05/2015 19:29

I left my abusive p for exactly this reason. He was the dc's father. My main priority was keeping my dc's safe. I had to move across country to ensure that.

Lagoonablue · 09/05/2015 19:30

Sadly in my line of work I have seen plenty of women put their partners needs first. This is despite, abuse, neglect, violence.......

gamerwidow · 09/05/2015 19:30

I'm in the same situation with dsis she is with a man who is an emotional and physical abuser. 2 weeks ago she kicked him out for about the 7th time in the 8 months they've been living together after yet another fight where he screamed in my dneices face and pushed her when she defended her mum. I had to leave work to go round because my dneice was scared about what he would do. My dsis promised us all and especially dneice that this was the end and she wouldn't go back to him. This week he is back and my 17yo dneice has left home because she cannot bear to share a house with him anymore. I know my dsis loves her children but i can't understand how she can keep going back to this arsehole knowing that her kids (the other 2 hate him too) are so unhappy. I want to shake her to get her to wake up to what she is doing its heartbreaking

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