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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this reception teacher to back down?

374 replies

kathryng90 · 07/05/2015 20:46

My son will be 5 in June. He is in reception. They are having a teddy bear picnic tomorrow. Text message yesterday warning parents 'bring your child's favourite bear to school'. My son loves his build a bear toothless dragon bear. He told his reception teacher how excited he was to bring this toy to school. He was sobbing as he came out of school and teacher said to me 'DS is sad as he has said he wants to bring toothless to school tomorrow. He can't. It's a teddy bear picnic not a dragon picnic. Our theme is goldilocks and the 3 bears not 3 dragons. Find a bear'

He is so upset, toothless is his favourite bear. I have suggested that we take toothless plus a teddy bear. AIBU to ask teacher to let toothless sit on desk and watch while bear joins in? Or am I undermining teacher? Another compromise? He's 4 ffs.....

OP posts:
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CatsCantTwerk · 07/05/2015 23:10

And just to add, If you do not have a Bear, you do what thousands of other parents do on the likes of world book day, dress up day, halloween. You buy, borrow or if it really comes to it make the damn thing.

Original poster
kathryng90 · 07/05/2015 23:14

Update. Thank you for your varied, partly comical and advice filled posts.

For clarification toothless is a soft bodied, cuddly toy which I didn't think twice in lumping in the 'teddy bear' category when we received the text.

Toothless has been to school by request of teacher as part of last terms dragon theme.

I am a normal supportive mum and always give my best shot at these kind of events. Easter hat competition etc. My kids conform and I do say no to them.

This just seemed petty to me to upset a small child and I didn't know if it was just me being sensitive.

Toothless is going to school. I still do not believe I am BU to place him as a cuddly toy in the bear theme.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/05/2015 23:14

you're not being unreasonable. No child should ever come out of school in tears. If his dragon is his favourite toy then toothless (very cute nsme btw) should be welcomed at the picnic.
Also how does the teacher know if he has any other teddy bears or if you have the funds to purchase one.
Just be assertive and take ds into school and say to his teacher ......... Has brought his friend toothless with him so they can have lots of fun at the picnic.
She probably won't argue with an adult.
If he goes in with his dragon she can't leave him out can she. Well if she does ofsted will want to heAr about it as that is exclusion and discrimination.

MidniteScribbler · 07/05/2015 23:25

First rule of school: NEVER send anything to school that you can stand to lose.

Someone will lose their favourite toy. There will be tears. The teacher will be blamed. Keep special toys at home where they belong.

CinderellaRockefeller · 07/05/2015 23:33

And what will you do if the teacher takes the dragon, puts it in the cupboard and leaves it there for the day? Am sure she won't exclude your son from the event, but she can exclude the toy that she has specifically told YOU that you can't let him bring in. So he'll be distraught all day, his dragon will be in the cupboard and he won't enjoy anything. While if you'd told him to buck up and takes a bear he would have been fine by now. Is it worth it?

Also, there is no misunderstanding here, you just think that she's wrong and are going to ignore her because you know best, even though she is in a position of authority. Is that really what you want to teach your son?

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/05/2015 23:44

There will always be times when parents disagree with decisions made by teachers, but unless it is a matter of great importance - which this is not - parents should support school policy. It is very important that, in general, parents and school present a united front - for the benefit and security of the child.

The parent's job here is to manage - and mitigate - her son's disappointment, not to fan the flames by adopting his feelings herself. She should explain calmly - as often as necessary - that, although it would have been lovely to take his dragon, the teacher has said that this picnic is for bears only as that has been their theme in class. She should then arrange a special outing or picnic for her son in honour of his dragon where it has pride of place.

The teacher should not have to change her decision because a child doesn't like it - part of the adjustment of school is learning to accept rules which may not always be to your liking. It is the parent's job to ease this transition as much as possible and this sometimes involves offsetting unhappiness by offering comfort at home

BlackeyedSusan · 07/05/2015 23:53

teacher handled it badly. if she wanted bears, she needed to persuade him that poor old toothless may feel left out, or get lost in school. she could have asked him to bring toothless and then sent him home with mum while the other bear stayed. (foundation/KS1 teacher)

I bet he will not be the only one to bring none ursine cuddly toys.

GoblinLittleOwl · 08/05/2015 00:01

The child is only in Reception and already you are challenging the teacher's authority. Yes, you are trying to undermine her. What a fuss about nothing.

amybear2 · 08/05/2015 00:28

For gods sake he is 5 years old not a flipping baby or even a toddler!! My DS's wouldn't have been seen dead with a cuddly toy at at that age.
Why does he have to take this blinking dragon? He presumably manages without him every other day.A dragon is not a teddy bear. Teddy B-E-A-R!!!

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2015 00:36

Toothless has been to school by request of teacher as part of last terms dragon theme.

Yes. Dragon theme. You see the difference?

You are clearly one of those parents who just does what it suits in case, god forbid, the pfb suffers any distress at doing exactly what he's asked or having to hear the word No.

senrensareta · 08/05/2015 00:39

The teacher is being stupidly uncompromising but the fact remains it is a TEDDY BEAR'S picnic. Toothless has already been in when they learned about dragons, if a child had turned up on the dragon day with a bear it would have not fitted in and nor does this.

Your job, as a mother, is to teach him that the world does not revolve around what he wants and support the teacher

teatowel · 08/05/2015 00:41

Well you haven't said no this time have you? Your son has heard his teacher say he couldn't do something and then you have over ruled her. Not your finest moment I would think. She may have activities planned such as putting bears in height order. Never mind- your son wants to take his dragon to school and that's all that matters.

MistressDeeCee · 08/05/2015 01:11

Oh come on...is it really worth all the drama, and proving some kind of pointless PC point? You could have just gone with your son and chosen a nice bear together OP. Whats the biggest deal? Im a bit dubious about the teacher's approach but your son isn't going to hear "Yes" all the time to all that he wants, is he?

Sorry but you sound over-precious with way too much time on your hands to make an absolute mountain out of a molehill. Entitled doesn't cover it. Whilst Im sure you have your view that teacher is a nightmare, equally I'd like to bet she feels the same about you. I can't believe you'd even consider going to her and wrangling over this, its ludicrous.

Its probably too late now as your son is upset but honestly, you won't be doing yourself any favours by approaching his teacher and if you'd simply bought a bear in the 1st place (I think your DS would have lived through the trauma) and made it sound an exciting event, boosted it all up, then all would have died down by now.

RebeccaCloud9 · 08/05/2015 01:25

Does the word 'bear' now sound weird and meaningless to anyone else?!

Floralnomad · 08/05/2015 01:29

Quite frankly if you have any sense you should get up in the morning ,pick out a bear ( an actual bear) sit it on the breakfast table and say to DC that this bear has particularly asked to go to the teddy party and its only fair as dragon went to school last term . I'm in no way saying teachers are always right but in this case I think the teacher is being reasonable .

Painfulbits · 08/05/2015 01:33

Oh wow... I really hope this poor teacher is not on MN. The comments on here are ridiculous!

OP, a lot of things that kids learn at school aren't in a textbook. They have to learn to follow the rules and collaborate socially. Things like a teddy bears picnic encourage this learning at a young age. I don't think you are helping things by rebelling against the teacher.

I am a qualified teacher, however I no longer work in the UK as my skills and talent were not appreciated. I now do a consultancy role in the Middle East where I am appreciated. Parents like you made me leave my role.

Out of interest, where did you do your PGCE?

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 08/05/2015 01:52

Sorry op I really really enjoyed this last page the most.

Would toothless consider appearing at my dds prom? Between the maddness of the fake tan, practise makeup, huge dresses and limos he would be a talisman of normality.

Disclaimer!!! I hope toothless is a soft bodied toy? If not no way is he welcome.

And back to the wine/election.

BringMeTea · 08/05/2015 01:54

The teacher 'appears' to have been brusque but they are right to ask you to bring a bear, not any preferred toy.

You are doing your son no favours by undermining her in his favour. You sound like hard work OP.

KurriKurri · 08/05/2015 02:11

I appreciate your son is a little upset about the bear/dragon thing, and the teacher may have been a bit abrupt in her letter. On the other hand she may have had umpteen requests to bring all sorts of creatures other than bears in to the picnic and since she had planned a Goldilocks + bears theme, it may have all looked to be going tits up. I think her mistake was using the word favourite. Seems your child and you have focused on the word 'favourite' and deemed it more important than the word 'bear'.

If the lesson plan is for bear themed activity then bears are what is required, if every child decides to bring a stuffed dragon/armadillo/termite/coyote then then the activity will lose all meaning.

It is good training for the future - remember how we were always told 'make sure you answer the question on the exam paper' ? rather than the question you wants to answer that hasn't actually been asked. Same principle. It's school - bears have been requested, find your DS a bear, tell him to make the best of it, make plans for Toothless to do something exciting at the weekend. With the best will in the world, cute as he is, Toothless looks nothing like a teddy bear.

TheRealMaryMillington · 08/05/2015 02:47

My kid has a soft rabbit and a soft monkey
No bear
Teacher has lost her sense of perspective
And is clearly more interested in what it looks like in the photos than the children's engagement

TheNewStatesman · 08/05/2015 02:50

Silly teacher! My daughter has plenty of stuffed animals but no bear. Are parents supposed to go out and buy a bear if they don't have one?

TheRealMaryMillington · 08/05/2015 02:53

My youngest's class did this activity, any old cuddly toy was acceptable. Because the teacher was not being ridiculously precious.

sykadelic · 08/05/2015 03:07

Toothless is a stuffed animal, not a teddy "bear".

Explain to your child that it's a teddy "bear" picnic and that toothless isn't a bear, he's a stuffed animal. Had you called it by its appropriate name you could have avoided this.

If the teacher had indeed been mean then YWNBU to be upset. However the teacher told your son the truth, that his stuffed animal is not a bear.

Yes I believe the teacher is being rigid by making it JUST for bears, but, again, the dragon is NOT a bear.

Total side note, neither is a koala a bear so you shouldn't call it a bear either :P

AmateurSeamstress · 08/05/2015 03:14

Gosh, what a lot of fuss.

my kids have done 4 teddy bears' picnics at school and rabbits, sharks, princess dolls and spiders have all been welcomed. I didn't give it a second thought at the time but now I'm thinking we are lucky to have teachers with a healthy sense of proportion.

scrappydappydoo · 08/05/2015 04:37

I think regardless of whether you think toothless is a bear or not you have had a conversation with the teacher where she specifically said 'no toothless' so I think you need to demonstrate respect for the teacher and send in a bear. otherwise it will just show your child it is OK to undermine the teacher and whilst minor now may be start of a slippery slope. If you hadn't of had the specific conversation I would have said toothless would have been fine. I
I would say that toothless had a chance to go into school last term and it's now a bears turn to visit.