To continue to pay school fees for only one of our three children

[ninaaa]

I have 3 DCs, all of whom have attended an independent school from age 4. Initially we had hoped to keep all three DCs in independent school for the whole of their education, but financially this is no longer an option. We moved both DS (Y10) and DD1 (Y8) out of the school at age 11. Both got places at outstanding local grammar schools and are doing well.

DD2 (Y6) is severely dyslexic, and struggles academically. We did not enter her for the 11+ exams, as we and her teachers felt it was very unlikely she would pass. She has been offered a place at a good local comprehensive, which we have accepted and were planning to move her to in September.

She is also a very talented athlete, and competes at county level in several sports. Her school has just offered her a sports scholarship, which covers ? of the fees. We could manage to pay the remainder, although it would mean cutting back a bit on luxuries such as holidays. We feel that staying at her independent school would offer DD2 the best sports opportunities, and they also have a good SEN department, as well as smaller classes with a higher teacher to pupil ratio. The local comprehensive has a good reputation, and she will probably do ok there, but will probably do better in the independent school, both academically and in sport.

My DH thinks that it is unfair to only pay for one child to attend independent school, even though she has a scholarship that will save us ? of the school fees, particularly as paying the remainder of the fees will reduce the amount of money we are able to spend on our other two DCs. I think that we need to give her the best possible opportunity, particularly as she struggles academically whereas her older siblings are doing well academically.

I don’t know what to do.

I think I would keep her independent, it's a very different scenario than your other 2 and they should be able to see that, you do what's right for each child I think!

YANBU! She needs the help. Your other DC are also getting an outstanding education. Are you sure your DH is not just wanting the extra income back?

That's really tough, but I would be tempted to keep your dd at her current school. Your other dc have also had the opportunity of a good few years there so it's not as though you are massively favouring one child. And if you really do strongly feel that her current school offers the best support, then I think that's important.

That being said, will it dramatically impact on your other children's way of life? If so then that could really strain all relationships, not to mention putting a burden on your dd who stays at the school.

Most importantly, what does your dd want to do? Is she happy staying where she is?

Life is long and there will probably be times when your other children need help - however at the moment they don't need you to pay for independent schools.

Fair does not mean the same.

agree that you have to look at the different kids. Are your older 2 happy where they are? are they doing well?

if you feel dd2 is best suited to her current school and her dyslexia has meant she wasn't able to have the same chance as the older two then it seems fair

the older two are old enough to discuss it though.

you should consider also if this will impact whether or not you can help them at uni etc

Although obviously that only makes sense if you can actually afford for her to attend that school.

Yanbu. It's not just private v state in your case, it becomes grammar v comprehensive.

Now your dh might say that the eldest dc earned their places at the grammar but dd2 did not earn a place at the grammar. But she did earn 1/3 of a place at the private school.

Personally I'd let her stay at the private school, mainly because she cannot follow her siblings to the grammar. Can you supplement the scholarship with a bursary?

I don't generally agree with some siblings private and some siblings state educated but in your case, I do think it is completely justified. There are a lot of benefits mentioned in your op for dd2.

I am just wondering what would happen to the sports scholarship if your daughter sustained an injury or went off sport. If your finances are very tight it might be better to move her now so that she can be amongst a whole year of newbies rather than having to move at a later stage.

I would normally say educate all 3 the same, but in your case 100% I would pay for the youngest to stay at independent. The older two go to grammar - you can't have grammar for the youngest, so you pay. Seems fair to all of them?

Whether your DD actively competed for it or gained it through consistent performance she has earned the scholarship. And it's for a not insignificant proportion of the fees. I'd be reluctant to wrest it from her grasp at this stage. (Surely you could have let her school know beforehand if you didn't want her to be considered?)

Can your DH not see that she would suffer a far greater disadvantage through moving than either of the older children?

As a teacher at grammar, I know many of the kids have siblings at local independent schools.
A significant proportion of our students come from private schools - if they pass they come to us and save their parents money, if they don't they stay put.
Obviously if finances are stretched that is a bit different, but the grammars here would be regarded as a better option than the private schools anyway so fewer holidays aside, you could argue that the older 2 are getting a better deal.

Were it not for the fact that your other daughters would have to make sacrifices, I'd say keep her private. However, if they're going to miss out on holidays and other things (yes, I KNOW a holiday isn't an essential!) then that will lead to resentment of their sister, so I'd say educate them all the same.

I think it very much depends on how much cutting back is actually required.

Especially as the alternative is what you describe as a 'good local comprehensive' I'd really think about what you and your other children would have to sacrifice.

Were it not for the fact that your other daughters would have to make sacrifices, I'd say keep her private. Me too. If the fact their sacrifices are paying for their sibling's school is obvious, it's massively more of a worry.

Maybe.

How much of a financial impact is it going to have? It's not just school fees but all the other extras too (but at least you will have some experience of what these are).

Would you be able to afford it, and allow your other children to pursue extra-curricular activities? Any holidays, ever? If we're just talking shopping at Tescos rather than Aldi and 2 weeks in Devon rather than the Caribbean, then YANBU (and I'm usually very anti this sort of mixed schooling within families).

...Tescos rather than Waitrose...

Sorry, I am geting tired.

As others have said, depends on exactly how much 'cutting back' would prove necessary. But overall I would agree with you to leave DD2 in the independent school.

To me it would be a fair justification for the simple reason that she has SENs that your other DC do not. In that point alone they will most likely have a huge advantage over her for the rest of their lives. All you will be doing is trying to redress the balance a little.

We will potentially have the same situation as you OP but in reverse. Eldest DS has Aspergers/ADHD and will be attending (very nurturing and SEN-supportive) independent school for Y7 from September. Younger two DC do not, as far as we know at this stage, have any SEN and therefore we will not necessarily put them into the independent sector at 11 simply because that's what DS1 did. Different children suit different schools and have different needs. You have to do what you feel is best for each individual child assuming that it is genuinely financially viable.

If you are paying her fees 100% now, will it actually be a case of cutting back to pay the other 2/3s from next year, or will it just be exactly the same lifestyle you have now, just no extra treats you could have otherwise expected when you moved her to state? Or is it that the jump up in costs from year 6 to year 7 substaintial enough that even with the 1/3 off fees you still will have to find more money for her schooling?

If it's potential treats being cut back, then go for it, it's stopping things that your other DCs are used to having, then that's a harder decision to make.

I am biased. We could send DD but not DS as DD has a different and wealthier father. Would I turn DS into the poor relation? ABSOLUTELY NOT it feels like sacrificing one for the other but I feel it is fair to educate the same. That said. If DS had grammar option and DD couldn't pass but had a scholarship I might consider it. If DD didn't have a scholarship I don't think I would but can't fully explain why. I think it removed the meritocracy- though of course SN changes that. On the whole I would say all the same.

I'd take the scholarship and leave her there.

Agree that you should treat your children with equal fairness, which doesn't necessarily mean treating them the same way. Your youngest has additional needs and her circumstances are different - I think you should take the fact your older DCs are at state schools out of the equation; it's not relevant. What is relevant is how much of a struggle the fees would be - are your incomes likely to go up over the next few years? How secure are your jobs?

I would keep here there in her current school. Given that her academic side would benefit from the smaller classes and specialist help, and she's already won some of a scholarship it would make sense to let her stay.

Perhaps you can speak to her school and see if there's a bursary she could qualify for? Also make sure that the scholarship is for her till she leaves and not a yearly competitive one that she will need to keep reapplying for.

I know an elderly man (80+ now) who grew up in a working class family of 5 kids. One sister was offered a place at grammar school and they had a family meeting about it. The kids agreed she should go despite it making money tight at home. I often marvel at how forward thinking his parents must have been, and how generous and well brought up the siblings. How would your older two handle a family meeting? (And your DH)