To continue to pay school fees for only one of our three children

[ninaaa]

I have 3 DCs, all of whom have attended an independent school from age 4. Initially we had hoped to keep all three DCs in independent school for the whole of their education, but financially this is no longer an option. We moved both DS (Y10) and DD1 (Y8) out of the school at age 11. Both got places at outstanding local grammar schools and are doing well.

DD2 (Y6) is severely dyslexic, and struggles academically. We did not enter her for the 11+ exams, as we and her teachers felt it was very unlikely she would pass. She has been offered a place at a good local comprehensive, which we have accepted and were planning to move her to in September.

She is also a very talented athlete, and competes at county level in several sports. Her school has just offered her a sports scholarship, which covers ? of the fees. We could manage to pay the remainder, although it would mean cutting back a bit on luxuries such as holidays. We feel that staying at her independent school would offer DD2 the best sports opportunities, and they also have a good SEN department, as well as smaller classes with a higher teacher to pupil ratio. The local comprehensive has a good reputation, and she will probably do ok there, but will probably do better in the independent school, both academically and in sport.

My DH thinks that it is unfair to only pay for one child to attend independent school, even though she has a scholarship that will save us ? of the school fees, particularly as paying the remainder of the fees will reduce the amount of money we are able to spend on our other two DCs. I think that we need to give her the best possible opportunity, particularly as she struggles academically whereas her older siblings are doing well academically.

I don’t know what to do.

I am one of 4, we all had a different combination of private and state schooling and we don't live in a grammar school area.
At no point has it ever been an issue between us. Genuinely, none of my siblings has felt there was favouritism. Most of the moves were driven by finances and actually one of my brothers was entirely state educated and one entirely privately - both are fairly academic and equally bright I would say - it was the state one who went to uni, the other didn't.
Equally I'm pretty sure that some of us went on more expensive trips than others.
My parents had a kind of "this is how it is" attitude.
You know what you want to do, and you know the best ultimate outcome appears to be to keep DD2 where she is, so it is making DD1 understand this and it doesn't make her second in any way.

Agree with sleeponeday

Might you be risking a very angry child? And a division that extends into adulthood? What happens when a year from now you say to DD1 "sorry, we can't afford that holiday for you". What do you say when she is at university and you still can't help her out?
You want to support one child's needs but you can't do that at the expense of another's self-esteem.

If you sent her to the good comp you could afford extra academic help for her? You could have weekly tutors and it would still be a huge saving.

If the eldest went for a scholarship and didnt get it I dont think you can penalise your younger child for that, thats like saying if the eldest child doesnt get into uni your youngest cant go

If the eldest went for a scholarship and didnt get it I dont think you can penalise your younger child for that, thats like saying if the eldest child doesnt get into uni your youngest cant go

I would keep her where she is, at the private school.

I'm sorry your dd1 feels so hard done by, does that mean she's willing to leave her excellent grammar school to join her sister in the local comp? No probably not.

Your dd1 didn't get a scholarship but she did pass the 11+, your dd2 won't pass the 11+ but did get the scholarship. All swings and roundabouts really isn't it.

Keep dd2 where she is.

I would keep her at the private school, long term it would be hard to be the only child with learning difficulties in a family and this reinforces her own athletic abilities. Her siblings earned their grammar places by being clever, she earned this (partial) scholarship by being very good at sport. It would be a hard knock on her self esteem to be the only non academically brilliant one. On a day to day level if she's thriving in her current environment that's a whole heap less stressful for you.

I'd tell her sister that the grammar school was the best school for her own talents.

With a learning difficulty life will likely always be a bit harder for your DD2 than the other two, I'm not sure if you can therefore weigh up "fairness" easily. Better that she thinks she won her position by being sporty than being the only one to go to a state school and not a grammar because she's not as clever.

This is really tough, but I think that as all your children are going to miss out financially if you keep her at private school, it would be unfair to accept the scholarship.

They would ALL miss out on holidays and school trips, and your DD1's reaction leads me to believe there would be a LOT of resentment if you kept your youngest at private. Could you not pay for a tutor or extra help for her dyslexia and send the youngest to the comprehensive?

I think it's massively unfair to make them all miss out on extracurricular activities and holidays for the sake of one sibling who could happily go to another school and continue her sports outside of the classroom. Lots of children with dyslexia go to state school and manage just fine, especially with some extra help. You sound like very supportive parents but I think your DH is right that it's fundamentally unfair and you will cause big rifts between your daughters if you carry on.

How thoroughly have you talked through/explained the situation to your DD1?

I imagine the memory of the tough time she had when she moved schools is still quite fresh if she's only in Yr8 now, and she is probably struggling to see the logic that if you had 3 kids at private school you are now saying that you couldn't afford to keep both her and her sister (at a hugely reduced cost) there (I know it's not that straight forward, just trying to see it from a teenagers POV).

Your DD2 could carry on with her sporting career even if she went to the comprehensive as it sounds like it's largely extracurricular, so I think the main question is how good is the comp's academic/SEN provision? Also, whilst I understand you wanting her to have the best possible opportunities, if she's more likely to pursue a sporting/practical route in the future I wonder if it's worth the potential fallout of keeping her where she is from an academic POV ( that's sound awful but I hope you can see what I'm trying to say)?

It is very much a head vs heart decision and I don't envy you having to make it. I think if your DD1 had had an easy transition and not been desperate to stay, I would expect her to suck it up & imagine she'd love probably get over it in time, but as she had quite a rough ride I'd feel less comfortable doing that and less confident that it wouldn't cause long term issues.

Combining the DD1 issues with the impact you've already said it will have on being able to provide for your other DC's I don't think I'd do it tbh, but I could certainly understand why you'd make the opposite decision.

Incidentally, I know two young women with severe dyslexia who went to/are at comprehensive schools.

My cousin is in her mid twenties - she left school at 16, worked her way through several jobs and ended up as a producer at a local radio station. She is now 26 and has spent the last three years traveling the world, much of it on her own.

My friend's daughter is about to take her GCSE's and with support for her dyslexia including extra time & a scribe for exams is on target for straight A*s.

Your DD may not actually be at any disadvantage at the comprehensive school, although obviously you know best what their provision is like.

In the long term all of your children will do well with the current set up (ie two in grammar, one indi) and I think in time your DD1 will appreciate you wanted the best for all 3 and that DD2s needs were different. I know my sister at that age would have always ascribed any different treatment by our parents as an expression of favouritism towards me (the youngest) but now as adults she would not look back and see that.

How is it fair if DD2 goes to the local comp when the others are at grammar even though she was competitively awarded a scholarship? Fair does not mean equal.

this decision is really yours and your husbands - try to make it with the long term view in mind - what do all your DCs futures look like with the two options? What's fair then?

I've been in a similar situation. It has caused a lifelong rift. My sister feels hard done by because she was not put in for the local equivalent of the 11+, I was, I passed, I had a better school experience overall than she did. She has resented me bitterly ever since and we're either side of 40.

I think that the major thing to think about here is how you deal with whatver decision you make, in terms of parenting.

Explaining that people have different needs and that this is not about favouritism is absolutely key. Also explaining that how your DD1 deals with this will potentially affect and effect her relationship with DD2 for decades, is also important. Does she want this to be all about her inability to accept that people have different needs and strengths? It certainly could be, if she makes it that way. Likewise DD2 needs to be sensitive to DD1's resentment. They both need to accept that fair is not the same, move on, and grow up with a good relationship, because that's what matters in the long run.

I'd say don't penalise DD2 and keep her where she is, as long as you've established that you can genuinely afford the fees and that the bursary and scholarship are on the terms you think they are on. However, if the comp has really good SEN provision and DD2 is doing county sport rahter than school sport, then the comp might be OK anyway and would make finances easier - but I'd still have the discussions with DD1 and DD2.

do you think your youngest will go to university?

Your DD1 sounds quite selfish to me OP and a bit immature. Can she not see that you could not have afforded to pay full fees for her? I would play down the 'DD2 deserves the place at the private school because she worked hard' line and just stick to the facts. It will be best for DD2 if she stays put - it's no picnic struggling with dyslexia.

Don't worry about the whole favourites thing. One of my 3 DC is at a private school (also on scholarships) yet is not considered the favourite. The middle one (who is desperate to go to DC1's school but we can't afford to send) is considered the favourite here!

What about the long term? In three years time you'll have one dd who might want to go to uni. I don't know your personal finances obvs but chances are you will have to top up the maintenance loan. As an eg if your DD only gets the minimum you're looking at an extra 5000 a year to find (we pay an extra 7000 for DS in London).

Have another chat with dd1.

What this comes down to is where the kids will be at 25 or so. Your oldest two can be anywhere they want and get can make that happen and they have done by working hard to get into the grammar.

Your dd2 can't do this by herself due to her dyslexia and the best way to get her on the same path as her siblings is for her to stay where she is.

A bit of flattery and letting her know how proud you are of her

Do the two girls get on?

*sorry meant your DS going to uni (but your DD won't be far behind!)

My parents paid for my brother to go to an independent school while me and my sisters went to the local state school (girls only). It was always clear to me that the reason they did this was nothing to do with favouring him/ paying because he was a boy - it was simply that the local girls school was a small and good school, while the local boys school was 3 times the size and not particularly good (small schools were important to my parents). Treating us all the "same" and sending us all to state schools would not in fact have been equality of opportunity to us all. Treating us "differently" was in fact that fair and right thing to do. I think if it is explained properly children are perfectly capable of understanding that sometimes different situations require different treatment and it is still fair.

What is the comprehensive like for Sen/dyslexia? What are its results like? If pretty good another option could be to move there and pay for a specialist tutor to help DD2.

Money for activities and trips for all the dc seems pretty important.

dd2 is obviously at an academic disadvantage (which dd1 might not appreciate) which seems to justify paying the fees to some extent, but there is a risk that dd2 will feel inferior to her siblings for being treated differently because of her SEN.

would dd2's scholarship require and / or pay for her sports trips? It would be galling for the other DC to see her doing all these things and being unable to do so themselves.

it might create resentment between your children later.

also comprehensive schools normally have really really good SEN provision.

I wouldn't even consider an alternative if I had the option of the scholarship.

Then again, if it were humanly possible to achieve it I'd have been doing the cutting back on holidays, cars, what have you, to ensure the other DC remained in independent school as well.

Raising children is about doing your best for them so why would you not accept the place?

I can't see how it's more fair to send DD1 and DS to a school they've won a position
to - using their talents - and yet deny the same to DD2. I wouldn't personally let DD1 hold the family to some kind of emotional ransom because it's "not fair". It's equally not fair that two of your children are highly academic and one isn't. I can't see how DD2 going to a comprehensive and the other two to a grammar evens out the "fairness". Sure, DD1 might be resentful, but equally so might DD2. And, families being what they are, what's horribly unfair this week for DD1 might be something completely different next week.