To continue to pay school fees for only one of our three children

[ninaaa]

I have 3 DCs, all of whom have attended an independent school from age 4. Initially we had hoped to keep all three DCs in independent school for the whole of their education, but financially this is no longer an option. We moved both DS (Y10) and DD1 (Y8) out of the school at age 11. Both got places at outstanding local grammar schools and are doing well.

DD2 (Y6) is severely dyslexic, and struggles academically. We did not enter her for the 11+ exams, as we and her teachers felt it was very unlikely she would pass. She has been offered a place at a good local comprehensive, which we have accepted and were planning to move her to in September.

She is also a very talented athlete, and competes at county level in several sports. Her school has just offered her a sports scholarship, which covers ? of the fees. We could manage to pay the remainder, although it would mean cutting back a bit on luxuries such as holidays. We feel that staying at her independent school would offer DD2 the best sports opportunities, and they also have a good SEN department, as well as smaller classes with a higher teacher to pupil ratio. The local comprehensive has a good reputation, and she will probably do ok there, but will probably do better in the independent school, both academically and in sport.

My DH thinks that it is unfair to only pay for one child to attend independent school, even though she has a scholarship that will save us ? of the school fees, particularly as paying the remainder of the fees will reduce the amount of money we are able to spend on our other two DCs. I think that we need to give her the best possible opportunity, particularly as she struggles academically whereas her older siblings are doing well academically.

I don’t know what to do.

You have to look at them as individuals.
It isn't like your older 2 have been relegated to a crap comprehensive and your dd deserves the place as she has won a scholarship.

My dd will have a private education for similar reasons, yet her brothers didn't
It isn't unfair at all and you must do what is right for her.

However, when you say you will have to forgo holidays, is there something else you could cut back on so the other 2 don't miss out.
I daresay it will only be a few years until they won't want family holidays.

just dont be my friends parents (she got to go to a private school with me but her parents made her younger brother scarfice everything as she got to do extra currulcar stuff / school trips etc and they could not afford any extra currulcar stuff for him (or refused to i dont know their fianices at the time) they even tried to discourge him in going to university saying it would cost too much to support both of them so they fully funded my friend and only gave small amounts to him (they wanted him to be a builder like his father)

Even with all the discourgement from his parents he got into oxford to do medicine and hes now a fully quafifed doctor

And he has gone basically NC with the lot of them as rightfully so it was totally unfair postion they forced upon him (he went to a sink school as well)

And her parents still dont see were they went wrong and are upset their son wants nothing to do with them anymore

YANBU to offer your daughter a better chance in life. Your other two children are getting a better chance for free.

Depending on the financial implications I wouls keep your DD2 in private school.

Normally I'd say never favour one by having them in private and other DC in state, but if two are at an outstanding grammar, then they are already being given the focus they need, that is right for them, and she deserves the same. Whether it's paid for or state is irrelevant. What matters is that it's the right school. V unusual to have such generous scholarships these days. They must really want her!

A close friend had her first two at private and third at super selective grammar. It's very common round here to mix state and private through the grammar system.

Are the elder 2 happy at school? Any risk they may ask to change? If they are happy I would keep your youngest at private school.

Fair isnt giving everybody the same, it is giving everyone what they need to succeed. Your older two are thriving where they are. Your youngest will most likely thrive at the independent school. Leave her there.

Thanks to all those who responded, it’s clear that we have a lot to think about, and some questions to ask the school.

The scholarship came as a bit of a surprise, as they were actually awarded back in February and DD2 didn’t get one. She was a little disappointed, however as she got her first choice secondary school, we and DD2 were happy with the school she was offered, and she was looking forward to moving in September. The comprehensive has a good reputation for SEN, the sports facilities are not great but DD already does plenty of sport out of school so we were less concerned about this.

However to the best of my understanding the child who was awarded the scholarship has now turned down the place, and the scholarship has therefore been offered to DD2. She is delighted and we are absolutely thrilled for her! It covers ? of the fees from Y7-Y11, she would have to reapply in the sixth form.

Our finances with DD2 staying in her independent would be tight, but not unmanageable. We certainly couldn’t have afforded to put all three DCs through independent senior school, but ? of one set of fees would be manageable. Our family holidays would certainly need to be scaled back, and there would also be less opportunities for all three DCs to go on school trips.

DD1 is very upset at the moment. She applied (unsuccessfully) for an academic scholarship at the same age, as she was very happy and settled in the school and wanted to stay. However as she was unsuccessful (but did get a place at a top grammar) we were unable to continue to pay her fees at the independent. She was unhappy about leaving, and had a pretty rough first few terms. However she is now much happier, doing well academically, and has a nice group of friends. She has said that DD2 is being treated differently because she is the youngest and our favourite child, and that if we are paying for DD2 to stay at the independent school, we should be paying for her too. DS isn’t fussed, he is happy in his school, and is doing very well.

The fees go up quite a bit in the senior part of the school, however with the scholarship, it will still be less than what we are paying at the moment. However I am anticipating more expensive school trips and other additional expenses. We currently receive a small (10%) bursary, which we had for all three DCs, and this enabled us to keep them in the school up to the age of 11. I’m not sure if the bursary gets added to the scholarship, if so it will bring the total off fees up to 43%? Also I think as she has a scholarship, I think there may be some kind of reduced cost for any sports based school trips e.g. netball tour abroad. I will need to check.

I believe the school expect DD to contribute fully to sports in the school. If DD were to choose to go “off sport” and the scholarship were removed, I think we would have to look at sending her to a state school, however if she was unable to play sport e.g. due to an injury, we would find a way to try and keep her there.

I would really like her to stay, as she has earned that scholarship through hard work. I know she will be happy and successful there, and it is giving her the best possible opportunity.

I think the fact that DD1 desperately wanted to stay at the independent does put a different slant on things, especially as you say there will be less opportunity for all 3 DCs to go on school trips if you choose to keep DD2 at a fee paying school.

Yes agree DD1's reaction is a bit of a new dimension. Very difficult decision.

I don't think you can whip one child out of private school on the grounds you can't afford it and keep the other one there, miraculously having found the money. DD2 has a point. Is DD1 your favourite child?

This is a heart vs head thing for me. Head says private school is logical, heart says DD1 may never feel ok with it. The comp vs grammar thing is a decent argument, except that it sounds like private school was not an option for DD1. Pretty tough on her to have sat for the scholarship and then had to leave the school when she didn't get it - it's a lot of pressure and it must have given her self esteem a huge bash.

Could you stretch to offering the older 2 a private sixth form if they like?

Is there much of an age gap between your DD1 and DD2? Do they generally get on well?
Does DD1 understand the extent of the challenges that severe dyslexia presents for DD2?

In your shoes, I'd keep DD2 in private education. And I'd work on making sure DD1 understood why that is fair.

Are the two oldest likely to need funding for uni, whereas the youngest with her sn's won't?

In that case it evens out in the end. You can use that argument with dd1.

But you put DD1 in for a scholarship as well, and she didn't get it, so had to move. She is lucky enough to be academic, so won a place at a grammar instead. DD2 has been given the scholarship, after you made plans for her to go to a comprehensive because you couldn't afford anything else, even though she doesn't have a place at a grammar school.

It seems to me that DD1 is saying:

It is not fair that she did not win a scholarship and DD2 did.
It is fair that she won a place at a grammar school when DD2 could not.

DD2 has been unluckier than her sibs in lacking their academic prowess. She's been given a really good shot at overcoming her SEN, solely because she has another talent which will also be enhanced by her scholarship.

How would it be fair to DD2 to send her to a comprehensive, despite winning a scholarship, because the sibling who didn't win the scholarship but was capable of getting to a super-selective grammar doesn't want her sister to have any advantages?

DD1 is academic, she has no SEN, she's at a grammar. She wants her baby sis to go to a comp, so be less advantaged than she is, rather than go to an independent where she would be more advantaged... in school choice. The SEN advantage will remain, wherever they are sent. She is demanding that her sister retain a double disadvantage (SEN plus no place at the super-selective) rather than each have advantages. That's natural, in a teenager, but still selfish.

Equal does not mean the same, as others have pointed out.

On the flip side of that how would DD2 feel if she found out that the school she earnt a scholership for and would have done well academically at she was removed from because of a teenage ''It's not fair''.

Personally I think I would keep her at the school and whilst DD1 doesn't understand now, she will in a year or two. However, I would make sure that even if DD1 gets cheaper trips they all get the same amount of trips and extra curriculars.

You could ask DD1, if she is so keen on fairness, if she is willing to leave her grammar to go to the comprehensive with her sister. It would still be unfair on her sister, as her dyslexia would still handicap her academically, but at least they'd be at equal pegging in terms of school placement.

I suspect that would not be her preference, either. Inequality benefitting herself wasn't causing complaints, right? When her baby sis was headed to the local comp? Again, this is normal in a young teenager, but she needs to have these differences in opportunity discussed and highlighted with her, because right now, her idea of fairness is heads she wins, tails her sister loses.

I wouldn't usually agree with this. But I think under the circumstances you have explained it would be fine to pay the fees for one child. But saying that some comprehensives are very good indeed.

Does DD1 want to go back to the private school? Does she feel she would achieve more and be happier there? If so, then it is a very complicated issue.

The issue of school trips is another headache to consider. Would it be fair to pay for DD2s fees if that means your older two children are restricted on school trips while she gets to go on athletic trips because of her scholarship? Would it be fair to say DD2 cannot go on athletic school trips because you are paying for her school fees and need to be fair to her siblings?

Your oldest child realistically only has another few years of going on family holidays, but DD2 being the youngest will probably benefit there as you will only be taking her and will be able to afford more than with three children.

I say this a kid who had a full academic scholarship and was always resented for that by my sister, even though she was at the same school and never had to go without for my sake.

Severe dyslexia does not preclude going to university and doing excellently there. dSD is severely dyslexic, went to three different senior schools due to moving house and got great support. She's doing brilliantly and there is talk of a first.

I hope you can do what us best for all your DC. I do feel sorry for DD1 who sounds unhappy and maybe a bit overshadowed. Do you think she would be happier and achieve more at a private school?

Keep her where she is. It's clear that all 3 have different needs. DH and I have 3 and we always were clear that we would pay to educate a struggling child if we were stuck rather than paying to educate an academically able one, as we are grammar area too.

If you were trying to avoid a totally inadequate school I would be more inclined to say YANBU, or it was something you could easily afford.

But on balance, bearing in mind the comprehensive school is good, DD1 would have liked to go to the independent (and may also have benefited over and above the education provided at the grammar), there will be a material impact on the whole family and fees at 66% over 5 years plus inflation is a probably a large sum of money I think it would be unreasonable to pay for one child only.

I don't think anyone is saying DD1 gets to choose, Kondo. It's more a question of whether it is fundamentally unfair, as OP's DH feels.

Your dd1 is giving you a message here, albeit not all that well...she believes that you play favourites. That rarely comes about just in relation to a single suggestion, she almost certainly felt that way before the school issue arose.

Unless you can genuinely get her onside, you're headed for problems. Take a child who feels she's less important to you than her sister, then cut her holidays and trips to pay fees for her sister, send her sister to the school she wanted to go to then make her see her sister flitting off on sports trips left right and centre (potentially). You are heading down the road of reenforcing a negative self image.

I can completely see why you want to keep your youngest at the school, but you do need to consider that the cost may be far more than the sum of her expenses and fees!