To continue to pay school fees for only one of our three children

[ninaaa]

I have 3 DCs, all of whom have attended an independent school from age 4. Initially we had hoped to keep all three DCs in independent school for the whole of their education, but financially this is no longer an option. We moved both DS (Y10) and DD1 (Y8) out of the school at age 11. Both got places at outstanding local grammar schools and are doing well.

DD2 (Y6) is severely dyslexic, and struggles academically. We did not enter her for the 11+ exams, as we and her teachers felt it was very unlikely she would pass. She has been offered a place at a good local comprehensive, which we have accepted and were planning to move her to in September.

She is also a very talented athlete, and competes at county level in several sports. Her school has just offered her a sports scholarship, which covers ? of the fees. We could manage to pay the remainder, although it would mean cutting back a bit on luxuries such as holidays. We feel that staying at her independent school would offer DD2 the best sports opportunities, and they also have a good SEN department, as well as smaller classes with a higher teacher to pupil ratio. The local comprehensive has a good reputation, and she will probably do ok there, but will probably do better in the independent school, both academically and in sport.

My DH thinks that it is unfair to only pay for one child to attend independent school, even though she has a scholarship that will save us ? of the school fees, particularly as paying the remainder of the fees will reduce the amount of money we are able to spend on our other two DCs. I think that we need to give her the best possible opportunity, particularly as she struggles academically whereas her older siblings are doing well academically.

I don’t know what to do.

Sorry I forgot to include the link for above stats

... and just in case it wasn't clear, my point about people being disadvantaged by dyslexia is that because the odds are stacked against your DD, I reckon it's completely appropriate to get her some extra help In the form of her school place.

Suppose you could spend all that money on a medical treatment that would take away the dyslexia, would you do it? I imagine you probably would, without worrying too much about fairness to the others, am I right?

Is this much different?

It's surely not hard for an 11 year old to understand, that even with a reduction in fees of one third that her parents might not be able to afford the remainder.

I'd find it very hard to justify the whole family forgoing trips away to keep one child in a school I'd moved the other two away from.

If DD1 had got a 1/3 scholarship would you have kept her at the private school? I suspect you wouldn't - so I can see why the accusation of favouritism comes in.

"If DD2 also had a place lined up at the grammar, then I'd think that should be the choice, yes. But that isn't on the table. DD1 has to an extent won the genetic lottery in being academic - yet she wants DD2 to go to a worse school than her own, rather than as good or (in some ways) better?"

Yes, I think this is key.

There seems to be a assumption that because a lot of comprehensives have good provisions for children with SEN that this comprehensive will be likely be fine. And likely it would be, but I think most parents would want to investigate the local school's services before changing - what might be great in theory or for other kids in practise might not work as well for DD2. If she's thriving where she is and it feels like the right schooling decision for her then it seems risky to move her. It's not a private vs public issue, just that different schools can be a better fit with particular kids.

My brother and I were very academic, my younger sister much less so. She went to a private school high school, largely to avoid the comparisons that she'd had all the way through her schooling life to date. We didn't care a jot. We didn't have expensive family holidays either and equally didn't care.

an assumption!

I am really surprised that not one poster has commented on your decision to move your DS to another school in Year 10!

I understand that, financially, it was impossible to keep the dc's in the school but surely moving your DS at such a crucial point in his schooling should've been considered more than either of your DD's? He is now less than a year away from his final exams and you have moved him?

OP says they moved each child out of school at age 11.

Wiggly "I'd find it much easier to explain to two children that the reason their sister went to an independent and they didn't is because she won a scholarship (the siblings I presume didn't?) than I would to explain is to a child that we were not going to let her take the scholarship that she won, because it was not fair on the others."

See I wouldn't find the latter that hard. It's not a free place, it's a saving of 1/3 and that's utterly different. And it's not being unfair on the others in a trivial, just-for-the-sake-of-it sense, but in the reality of spending many, many thousands of pounds on her and not her siblings.

I suppose another angle is to challenge the assertion that the private school is intrinsically superior to the grammar, and the grammar is intrinsically superior to the comprehensive. It's a shame there doesn't seem to be a great comp that would fit DD2's needs, or a great grammar that DD1 loves. Maybe use outside school activities to even things up between DC.

On the face of the level of education you are offering all your dc, it seems fair to me that you keep dd2 in the indi. Dd1's jealous and un empathetic reaction is not unusual in a teenager and can be managed if you handle it properly, which it seems at the moment you are.

What I would be thinking carefully about it is how much the monetary cost of sending her there would effect your other dc. I would try very hard to keep dd2 in the indi school, and if that meant running up a credit card so dd1 and ds could still go on school trips and do extra curricular stuff then I would do it. If the only real cut backs you need to make to your family budget is no more foreign holidays then that's a sacrifice I'd make in this situation.

The children don't need to know the actual amount of the scolarship though, do they? Isn't it enough that they know that the sporting talent of dd2 enables her to have a scolarship to stay at the school? The others should appreciate that their academic talent has given them an opportunity your dd 2 simply would not have had access to. Equally your dd1 and ds did not have the sporting talent to give them the access to the opportunity your dd2 currently has access to.

Crumpet, they'll work out some of it when there's suddenly no holidays/no school trips/fewer trips with family etc...all while their sister is skipping off on sports trips left right and centre!

It is a bitter pill to swallow, especially it seems for your DD1. I still think keeping DD2 at the school is the right thing to do.

If DD1 goes on about it being unfair, I would be inclined to say 'Yes it is unfair your sister has dyslexia and has to struggle so much more than you'.

I would show her this picture too, similar to the one someone mentioned upthread.

this sounds perfect reasonable to me. the older DC got into a good grammar school and are well provided for academically, aren't that sporty and don't have dyslexia. The youngest does, has been offered a sports scholarship and needs more academic help. Sounds like everyone is well catered for and where they need to be.

It sounds like your DH & DD1 are coming round to the idea, but just to play devils advocate:

If the scholarship does get pulled at some point, will you be able to afford fees for her to continue at the private school? The longer she's there and the closer she gets to GCSEs, the harder it will be to move her if, God forbid, something goes 'wrong'.

If she does well enough to stay on for 6th form, will you continue to pay for that? By that time, you eldest will presumably be at uni & needing financial support, and DD1 heading that way.

Is the private school option really sustainable, long term?

I would fear that even if you get over the current 'hump' there is a lot of potential for further complications & resentments along the way.

I think you need to sit down and look very seriously & thoroughly at the finances, not just now, but taking into account your other children's needs over the coming years, before you can make any decisions.

If it's doable in pretty much any circumstances, with minimal impact on the other DC's & everyone is on board then it's a great opportunity for your youngest. I'm not sure it's a call I could make but I only have the one (thank God!) so what so I know?

I hope you manage to sort out the best way forward for all of you.