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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to plan a small gap between DCs?

58 replies

WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 03/05/2015 21:16

This is all very hypothetical atm.

DH and I have one DC who is just over 4 months old. We are sure we would like to have another at some point and for DC1 to have a sibling.

DC1 is such a joy to us, but I will freely admit I find the sleepless nights, feeding etc with a newborn very tough. I really don't think I could go back to 'the baby stage' with another DC if we were to wait till DC1 is much older. It sounds awful, but I really want to be completely past this stage quickly. If we waited and had another DC in a few years I am just conscious that we would have to start again in a way.

I have also heard people say that DCs who are closer in age are 'better friends' but I don't think that is strictly true based on families I know.

My question is, AWBU to plan to have a gap of 18 months or less between DCs? We conceived quite quickly with DC1, but appreciate this might not be the case with DC2. My question is purely about our planning the gap - I know nothing is at all guaranteed!

OP posts:
HeadDoctor · 03/05/2015 21:20

I don't think you could be BU. They are your children, you can choose whatever you like.
That said - if you think 1 DC's newborn demands are tough, you may be in for a shock doing it again with a young toddler as well. There's pros and cons for all age differences though and I wouldn't rely on a small age gap being any indicator of their relationship, as you said.

museumum · 03/05/2015 21:22

Entirely up to you. My ds is 20months old and one of my antenatal group has a second baby and another is 30wks pregnant.
It's absolutely not for me though. I am finding my ds lots and lots of fun right now but also quite demanding. I can't imagine having a newborn now.

BeansInBoots · 03/05/2015 21:24

We have 19montjs between our two- planned, and I love it :)

My friend has 12 months and a week Shock between her two and she loves it..

I do sometimes feel like I'm missing out on baby time because they are both growing together though :(

chickenfuckingpox · 03/05/2015 21:24

eight years between one and two four years between two and three they get on mostly

redspottydress · 03/05/2015 21:24

You could have twins. I think 2 years plus is more manageable. But it is of course your choice .

chickenfuckingpox · 03/05/2015 21:25

plus i have the advantage of only having one child in nappies at a time

VacantExpression · 03/05/2015 21:27

16mths between two of mine, was fine, plus sides and downsides whatever the gap!

KindergartenKop · 03/05/2015 21:27

I found the 10-20 month stage very tiring, different to a newborn but as exhausting. Ds1 was into everything but wouldn't really respond to 'no'. As a result I would hate a gap of less than 2 years.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/05/2015 21:28

An 18 month gap would be great, I think. I have 21 months between ds2 and ds3, and would have coped happily with a smaller gap.

poocatcherchampion · 03/05/2015 21:28

We've got 17 months between ours and it's been great. We're now expecting dc3 and dd2 will be just 2. The gap seems massive. We only had a couple of months with 2 in nappies (early potty trainers) but that didn't bother me.

Pikkewyn · 03/05/2015 21:29

We have 20 months and have found it perfect, the first year was hell but now at 5 and 6 they are amazing friends. and love each other's company but there are many other factors in their friendship that may not be related to the age gap.

chickenfuckingpox · 03/05/2015 21:29

another plus is you spend time with number one then they go to nursery then you get alone time with number two

ive a friend who got pregnant four weeks after giving birth and another girl i vaguely know was one of the very rare one in a million people who got pregnant twice at the same time iyswim

Wigglebummunch · 03/05/2015 21:31

My dc3 had just turned one when I had DC4. It's hard work but the sleepless nights won't last forever. I had 18 months between DC1 & 2 and now they are older their best friends.

FloraPost · 03/05/2015 21:32

YANBU, this is the precise reason we have a small-ish gap. The first year six months was almost unmanageable (although DC1 has significant additional needs) but now it's great. We're now contemplating DC3 but I'm getting less keen by the day as small baby hell slips further into the distance.

gregsageek · 03/05/2015 21:32

We have less than 16 months between our two. I did find that my body/mind/nutrient levels didn't get enough time to recover between the first and second pregnancies - I had pretty bad pre-natal depression while pregnant with DC2. Also I have two of the same sex, and they compete on everything constantly as they are on a similar level. In some ways this has not been good for DC2's confidence as they compare themselves to DC1. OTOH, they do play together a lot, albeit with a great deal of rivalry, and I hope that they will be really great friends when older!

RedSoloCup · 03/05/2015 21:33

I had 15months between first two, amazing friends, they are like a little married couple (both girls).
Have lots of their own friends, never play together at school or when their friends are round but they are so close (and bicker) the rest of the time.
I then had a four year gap which is fine as she really is the 'baby' sister but I like the first gap if I had to chose between the two.

Suchafunnystory · 03/05/2015 21:33

11 months between my two. Loved it and they are the best of friends.

teatowel · 03/05/2015 21:35

I had three in three years. They shared all the same interests at the same time. Over 20 years later they are still the greatest of friends.Of course it was hard work but I have never understood large age gaps because the children's needs are so different. However some people seem to like them.It is whatever works for you.

bobajob · 03/05/2015 21:37

I can't think of anything worse personally Grin

But also I really like the baby stage and wanted to enjoy it with both my children. I can understand if you hate that bit just wanting to get it over with in a horrific 2-3 years.

Panicmode1 · 03/05/2015 21:39

15 months between my oldest two (planned). They are very, very competitive about everything boy, then girl), fight like cat and dog, but adore each other and miss each other when apart! I think that there are benefits and challenges to every age gap tbh.

BathtimeFunkster · 03/05/2015 21:42

There's no U here really.

But bear in mind that you only know what the first 4 months are like - there's a lot of babydom still to come.

If you have an 18 month gap you will be pregnant while you still have a baby to look after.

Then you will have a newborn and a small toddler whose needs will be different, but very draining.

Something else to think about is that having a second baby is a very different experience - you actually know what you're doing by then. It's not as scary and you know it will end.

I don't know, really.

I really wasn't a natural at motherhood. I found first time around very hard. But I got better, and I think I needed to give myself time to feel confident and happy as a mother before I had to go it pregnanct and face into it a second time.

Basically - don't make life needlessly difficult for yourself.

You don't know now how you'll feel as your baby becomes a toddler.

You've plenty of time for a gap that doesn't involve "going back".

To my mind you'd need a gap of 3 year or more for that to be much of a factor.

littlepeas · 03/05/2015 21:51

There are 13 months between my first two dc (and then 22 months between dc2 and dc3, so I had 3 under 3 for a few weeks!). It wasn't entirely planned, as I fell pregnant the first time I ovulated after having dc1, but we were planning to ttc as soon as my periods came back, so she kind of pre-empted that! I have found it a lovely gap, but my eldest was a good sleeper who napped significantly during the day, so I got a good break every day while I was pregnant (2 hours in the morning, 1.5 in the afternoon and then he slept through the night as well) - this helped a lot! Also he slept well when we had dc2 - they often napped at the same time when she was tiny and then when they were a bit older they did a bit of a tag team thing where one would sleep and the other would be awake, so I got individual time with each of them. It was also fairly easy to get out and about, as dc1 was still too little to walk very far and they both sat happily in the double buggy.

They are 6 and 5 now (and dc3 is 3) and they are all very close. It is easy to keep them all happy and entertained as their needs are similar. I do sometimes feel wistful for another baby and wish I had dragged it out a bit longer, but ultimately it has paid off.

HopefulHamster · 03/05/2015 21:52

You're being perfectly reasonable. I have a four year age gap (not planned) and I am enjoying it very much however it is like pressing a massive reset button. My life was just getting back to 'normal' in terms of being able to go out, eat wherever or whatever, rely on DS sleeping through etc, and now I've gone back to the beginning. However I think I personally struggle with two under two so it was the best option for me.

christmashope · 03/05/2015 21:53

15 months between my two, planned
It was tough for the first year but it was well worth it, they are 9&10 now and best friends it's lovely

Clayhead · 03/05/2015 21:55

20 months here, the first few years were hard but they're 12 and 13 now and it's great!