to plan a small gap between DCs?

[WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions]

This is all very hypothetical atm.

DH and I have one DC who is just over 4 months old. We are sure we would like to have another at some point and for DC1 to have a sibling.

DC1 is such a joy to us, but I will freely admit I find the sleepless nights, feeding etc with a newborn very tough. I really don't think I could go back to 'the baby stage' with another DC if we were to wait till DC1 is much older. It sounds awful, but I really want to be completely past this stage quickly. If we waited and had another DC in a few years I am just conscious that we would have to start again in a way.

I have also heard people say that DCs who are closer in age are 'better friends' but I don't think that is strictly true based on families I know.

My question is, AWBU to plan to have a gap of 18 months or less between DCs? We conceived quite quickly with DC1, but appreciate this might not be the case with DC2. My question is purely about our planning the gap - I know nothing is at all guaranteed!

I'm 31 weeks with DC2, DD is 17 months. I have to say it wasn't exactly planned but I'm glad we're having them close together for similar reasons to your OP. DD still doesn't sleep, so I might as well get all the non sleeping done in one block rather than go back to 'normal' and start again. It also makes more sense from a career perspective, I'm currently a SAHM but once both are old enough I will go back to my career and focus on that a bit more rather than stop-starting.
As a warning, pregnancy is so much more difficult with a toddler to run around after! I took for granted weekend lie ins etc last time, but they're impossible this time. It's exhausting.

I have a 16mth gap between my two and the two years after dd was born were really quite hellish and very nearly broke my relationship with dh. However it's been great ever since and I've no regrets, ds is almost 16 and dd is 14 now and they do get one very well and being at very similar life stages makes things like planning holidays etc very easy.

I think the issue for us is that ds was a very predictable baby, but dd was really demanding and difficult, and neither dh nor I are really baby people. We both found two babies physically and emotionally very tiring. I think this is quite common so if you do go for a small gap, get lots of help for that first year or so, and make sure that you keep the channels of communication open between you and your dh so that you tackle any issues together.

Whilst I don't think you can BU as such I don't think having DC close together makes any of it any easier. Two babies is hard work in every aspect, at least if the older one is a bit more independent then you can have some down time during the day. I initially wanted 2 very close together but changed my mind once DS got to a year, I felt I'd miss his babyhood if I had to start again with the sleepless nights. He wouldn't have understood that I was tired and unable to do what we normally do.

It's a personal choice but I'm not sure getting it out of the way is the right reason. With DS I was very stressed and I've waited for it all to calm down before having another and it doesn't feel quite so overwhelming. I'm much more relaxed about it all which is odd for me.

I don't think there's an ideal age gap per se, just what's right for you and your family. The closest age gap among my NCT group was 15 months, but she was 39 and wanted to have another before she turned 40. Another 2 of the girl's had 23 month gaps, but they want at least 3 kids each, so there was that to consider.

Most seem to be expecting around the 2.5 year mark. Tbh, that's what we were aiming for too but it took us 8 months to conceive DC2, so there'll be pretty much 3 years between them and DD. Now that will hopefully come with advantages too, like DD should be mostly potty trained, and less time with 2 in childcare. Pregnancy is really hard this time though with looking after an active toddler.

I guess there are pros and cons to both. I would look at how many DC you want in total and factor in that you may not conceive precisely when you want to! Oh, and as a pp said, it might be twins. Happened to a friend of ours, 20 month old toddler and newborn twins

In the nicest possible way, not everything can be planned... My periods took a while to come back (14mo, probably due to bf), I was pg at 17mo but that pregnancy didn't last, and took another 6mo to get back to normal both hormone and headwise. My planned gap of 2 years never came to pass, but in the end we have a three year gap, which is working nicely. Only one child in nappies, can have a proper conversation with the eldest, only one child needing a buggy... but I would clearly never have planned to go through the bad times.

22 month gap here, didn't find it too horrendous when they were young but dd1 was really easy so that probably helped! She doesn't remember a time when it was just her so there was never any jealousy.

There's one school year between them which can make them competitive but as a pp said easier regarding logistics of being in different schools. And you're not spending years and years doing the school run! Friends with a big age gap struggle in terms of activities that both like and can do, cinema trips etc whereas mine have always been able to do pretty much everything together. Be warned though this means second child probably gets to do or have stuff earlier that you wouldn't have let child 1 do at the same age!

Mine argue but they are 12 and 10 so think the next few years will be tough (both girls!) but on the whole they get on and I think they'll be close as they grow up.

Sounds like you want to have a small gap so go for it, there's no right or wrong you just have to do what's right for you.

Thanks again all.

So, the plan has always been to stop at 2 DCs, definitely no more than 3. I am 31 so could theoretically have a bigger age gap, which in terms of childcare costs, tiredness etc would be better (ie wait till DC1 is at school / nursery full time before having DC2). I wonder if this would be harder later on though for holidays, days out etc and also, the thought of returning to the baby stage might be too hard for me to contemplate which would result in no DC2! DH and I are both from families of 5 (3 kids) with about 2 years between siblings and we both are really close to our siblings. I am a bit concerned about a smaller age gap as, thinking about the adults I know, a lot of the siblings I can think of off the top of my head who are very close in age don't seem to get on. Glad to read this is not the case for all families though. That's reassuring.

The other concern is that I don't really have family nearby. I have in-laws not too far away who are amazing, but their time needs to be shared among GC (they have 4 including our DC1). My parents and siblings are either deceased or live far away from us. My DH has a good income but not sure we could afford a nanny / au pair. I would probably give up work for a few years if we had another DC soon(ish), which in some ways I would like. If we held off with DC2 I would go back to work which I would also like in some ways.

There is definitely a pattern here of people with smaller gaps having 3dcs.