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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to plan a small gap between DCs?

58 replies

WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 03/05/2015 21:16

This is all very hypothetical atm.

DH and I have one DC who is just over 4 months old. We are sure we would like to have another at some point and for DC1 to have a sibling.

DC1 is such a joy to us, but I will freely admit I find the sleepless nights, feeding etc with a newborn very tough. I really don't think I could go back to 'the baby stage' with another DC if we were to wait till DC1 is much older. It sounds awful, but I really want to be completely past this stage quickly. If we waited and had another DC in a few years I am just conscious that we would have to start again in a way.

I have also heard people say that DCs who are closer in age are 'better friends' but I don't think that is strictly true based on families I know.

My question is, AWBU to plan to have a gap of 18 months or less between DCs? We conceived quite quickly with DC1, but appreciate this might not be the case with DC2. My question is purely about our planning the gap - I know nothing is at all guaranteed!

OP posts:

Biscuitsneeded · 03/05/2015 21:56

I had planned a 3 year age gap, but nature intervened and I got 22 months. It was hard work with a toddler and a newborn, and I think DS2's baby days passed in a bit of a blur, but they get on really well, share loads of the same interests and friends etc, which makes our social life much easier than having to cater for two children with very different developmental stages and needs. So although my small gap was an accident, on balance I would say it's worked out really well.

WilsonWilsonWoman · 03/05/2015 21:58

16 months between me and my sister and I fucking despise her and she likes to let me know how much she resented me when I was born and how much I ruined everything, when she gets drunk. HTH. I've deliberately planned an 8 year gap between my two.

addstudentdinners2 · 03/05/2015 21:58

5 years between me and next sibling down, 11 years between my brother and me. We adore one another.

My best friend whose sister is exactly a year younger has a dreadful relationship with her.

It's down to the individual child/ family dynamic, nothing to do with age gaps IME. Do what works for you and your family!!

Original poster

WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 03/05/2015 21:58

Amazing advice all, thank you. Need to discuss loads with DH. My thinking was that we could power through a painful year or two but then leave nappies and nipple pads behind us for good! Can certainly see the advantage to having DC1 at nursery before contemplating another though.

OP posts:

drinkscabinet · 03/05/2015 22:00

We did, we started TTC when DD1 was 6 months old and had a 17.5 month gap. Work wise it worked well, I went back to work pregnant, moved department (happily) and had no management responsibility (not fair to give people a new manager for a few months) and got a little project to work on. However the pregnancy was exhausting and emotional (my Dad was ill at the same time which probably contributed). But when DD2 was born it all was lovely, she was a very easy baby and DD1 loved her immediately. They are now 7 and 6 and are such great friends.

We now have a 2 year old as well (we had 3 under 5 for a bit - glutton for punishment me!). I'm not keen on the baby stage so it suited me to get it over with. Life is great now they are all sleeping, walking, talking and using the toilet.

dustarr73 · 03/05/2015 22:00

As somebody who had both.I had a year gap between ds1 and 2 and then 12 years between ds2 and ds3 them between ds3,ds4 and ds5 i had 3 under 3 for a while..Either have really big gaps so kids can do stuff for them selves or either get the baby stage over in 1 go.

If you are thinking now is the time i would go for it, as it might take you longer to get pregnant than you would like.And at least you ave fun trying.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/05/2015 22:01

Just beware what you are getting into. The physical demands of a one year old are huge, and being pregnant at that point can be tough. I have a friend with a 14 month gap. She loves it now (5 and 6) and did from about three onwards, but says she barely remembers the babyhood of either.

By 18 months a baby tends to be walking and a bit verbal, which makes pregnancy more manageable. There is a reason 2.5 years is a common gap.

Also, if you don't get sleeper, two non sleepers is exponentially harder.

Trufflethewuffle · 03/05/2015 22:01

We started our brood when I was 36 so we decided to go for short gaps between them.

There is 13 months between DS1 and DS2 and then 17 months to DS3. It worked fine for us although there were a few hectic moments when DS3 was a newborn and DS1 was using a potty. DS2 would try and get his foot in the used pot while I helped DS1 get his pants back up and so it went on.....

It did get harder when DD turned up when DS3 was 23 months! Especially as they all had chickenpox when she was born. Now all four are teenagers and we have different challenges.

nottheOP · 03/05/2015 22:02

I get the reasoning but even at 18 months you have a toddler and a baby, not two babies. By all accounts, it seems that it is initially harder to have 2 such needy children when the age gap is so small but by the time you're at 18 & 36 months, you're laughing until you're in preteen years.

Then you're done for.

Original poster

WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 03/05/2015 22:03

Totally agree that IME siblings who are v close in age do not necessarily get along better. Can think of a few who really do not get on well at all - also some who really, really do.

OP posts:

MeggyMooAndTinkerToo · 03/05/2015 22:04

I had all three close together. I'd never have gone back to sleepless nights if I hadn't. Mine were 3, 18months and a newborn. I won't every deny it was hard and the sleep deprivation was horrendous for a few months. I was really lucky though that all of mine slept really well very quickly.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 03/05/2015 22:04

Oh, as regards closeness, once they are at school the school year gap matters way more than the numbers. If you have a Jan baby (ish) they could easily be two years (and I'd be wary of having a late summer baby following the academic year behind an old - for - year sibling )

6LittleOnes · 03/05/2015 22:07

All mine are close together, smallest gap is 11 1/2 months, biggest is 23 months. Dd1 wasn't walking when ds1 was born, I honestly didn't find it to hard. It's difficult now there is 6 of them but 2 close together were no problem at all.

dustarr73 · 03/05/2015 22:16

Plus i found it easier when the gap wasnt as big cause 2 babies are much easier than a baby and toddler who is in to everything.Plus as someone else said i find the gap much more noticeable now than i did when babies.

I have a 7 and 5 and nearly 4 year old.But only 2 of them are in school,so i have another year of playschool which i find a pain.

DrCoconut · 03/05/2015 22:19

12 years between DS 1 and 2. Loved it as it was easy ish to cope with a baby when the older child is so much older. Now they are 16 and 4 and DC3 is due in September. What have I let myself in for? I don't like the idea of a very small age gap personally but it is what works for you that matters.

Alanna1 · 03/05/2015 22:21

18 months here. No regrets - they are increasingly very close - but the first 12m with two was tough. I am lucky to be well supported by family and a high enough income for good childcare. Still hard!

cathpip · 03/05/2015 22:27

My sister has 13 months between her dc1 and her twins, it wasn't fun for the first 7 months, she's getting some sleep now :)

dustarr73 · 03/05/2015 22:29

I think sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and enjoy the ride

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 03/05/2015 22:31

My first three are 20 months then 20 months (number 4 is a slightly bigger gap)
1 and 2 get along 2 and 3 hate each other.
Not always a case of being closer

Petal7 · 03/05/2015 22:40

I have 19 months between my first two, which I love. They are, and have always been, very close and are a real team. As such, I planned another small gap, but miscarried a baby who would have been 19 months younger than dc2. I was lucky enough to have dc3 2yrs and 3 months after dc2.

To me, that gap seemed enormous, but did mean dc1 and 2 were at nursery a bit, so I had 1-1 time with dc3. I had a year with all 3 at home and we all thrived on it and they all formed v strong bonds.

Now dc1 and 2 (6 and 5) are at school and dc3 misses them dreadfully. She has added a whole new dynamic to the family, which brings us a lot of joy.

A small gap is hard physical work in some ways, but it actually can make life easier as you have (hopefully) built in friends and entertainment.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 03/05/2015 23:12

Well, almost all of my friends with children have had their babies close together, anywhere between 10 and 24 months gap between DCs. It has worked very well for them. Happy parents and happy children.

OTOH, if it's close relationships between siblings that you're concerned about, well there's no guarantee that being close in age will make them best friends, or that a big age gap will hinder their relationship. There are 8 years between my older and younger siblings, and they are extremely close (to the extent that I, right in the middle, sometimes feel left out and jealous). DP is very close in age to his younger brother and they don't speak, haven't been in the same room in 3 years.

There's also over 30 years between my Dad's oldest and youngest siblings, and they were extremely close until Dad's older brother died. So there's no guarantee that siblings close in age will be close friends, or siblings far apart in age will be distant and unable to relate to one another.

So essentially, I'm going to be utterly useless, and say, go with whatever works for you. Big gap, small gap, just go with what feels right.

JaceLancs · 04/05/2015 00:18

17 months between my two, who are now 22 and 23!
Positive points they are very close and always have been, only a school year apart meant that transition years when they were both being educated in different venues was limited
Holidays, days out and shared activities in general were always easy
Negative expensive, tiring and sadly I ended up as a single parent when they were 3,4 so this was not dgared

MinionDave · 04/05/2015 00:22

I have 11 months between my two, in fact they are both 9 at the moment (for the next few days anyway!). It was very tough at the start, but they are very close and totally adore each other. They are both into the same stuff as well because they are the same age which makes things like cinema trips etched that bit easier!

Every age gap will have its pros and cons though

sanfairyanne · 04/05/2015 04:16

i loved it but be warned, the first few years are backbreaking hard work!! it works well now they are older.

CaitSith · 04/05/2015 07:13

25 months between mine, planned for the same reason as yours OP, to get the baby years over and done with, and like others have said, it's bloody hard work! Don't underestimate the possible impact of being pregnant with a toddler, after breezing through my first pregnancy I thought my second would be the same, but I had SPD and was sick as a dog every day from 6 weeks till the day before my baby was born, not easy with an 18-24 month old to contend with too! The first 6 months passed in a blur but DS2 is 8 months now and (fortunately) a great sleeper so things are getting easier all the time, and it's lovely to watch their relationship developing now that he's getting interesting to DS1

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