DB/SIL- AIBU? need some perspective

[jacks11]

I have something of a fraught relationship with my DB, don't really know SIL all that well but we don't get on particularly well. There is a lot of back story to my relationship with DB, but a lot of it is related to his behaviour towards me (and my parents) in his mid-teens and early twenties (alcohol and drug related, but also a lot of deceit and aggression). I find SIL very odd- no motivation to do anything with her life but always moaning that she isn't happy where they live/with her job etc. Whenever she's been to visit me or my parents, she has been quite stand-offish and has to be coaxed into being pleasant.

It was my dad's 65th birthday today and we had organised a bit of a birthday do for family and close friends, at my parent's house. My gran (dad's DM) was being brought by one of my aunts, it's a bit of a drive and she is quite frail so the plan was always that she'd only be staying for a few hours and then she go home. She doesn't like staying away from home or she could have stayed the night. Dad has had a serious illness recently and so he hasn't seen as much of his mum as would normally be the case.

The plan was for me to pick up my brother, SIL and 2 nephews to take them to my parents for the party and drive them back down on Monday (I have to drive that way on Monday for a conference, so it's only a bit out of they way). They don't have a car, and apparently can't get the train for various reasons. I agreed to this as a favour to my parents. It's a 2 and a bit hour journey each way. I arranged to pick brother and nephews up at 11am this morning. SIL was being picked up from work about 11:30.

Just before I was due to arrive, my brother phoned me to say they had left the car seats at his PIL so I had to divert to their house (1/2 across town from my brothers). When I got to my brother's house, they still weren't ready. 15 minutes later my brother announced he needed to go to the supermarket (4 streets away) as they needed nappies for my youngest nephew and needed to get something for Dad's birthday as they hadn't managed to get round to doing this yet. Agreed to this, but was a bit cross tbh. Then went to pick up SIL, who then said "oh, can I take in [youngest nephew] to see my work colleagues?". I said that I'd prefer it if they did it another time as we were running late. She sort of huffed and said she needed to take him in to change his nappy but would be back quickly. Queue 20 minutes later, still not back. Brother went in to see what was wrong- she was busy showing him off to her colleagues after all. I was quite cross, and it was probably obvious- we were now running over an hour late. Half way through the journey, oldest nephew and SIL decide they are hungry and need to stop to get something- neither of them had thought to bring something to eat for the journey apparently. So now we were running really late.

Eventually arrive, late for food and have also managed to miss most of gran's visit, which I had been looking forward to. She was disappointed too- and also sad that she hadn't seen much of my nephews, as she doesn't see them often. Brother proceeds to stuff himself on the food, leaving little for me as I had been trying to get things sorted. I pointed this out and he just shrugged and said "oops". SIL sat with "a face like fizz" and moped. She also spent much of the afternoon sniping about various things (e.g. she thinks all children who go to private school are brats- my DD goes to one). They also started talking about the unfairness of my late grandmother's will- she left a significant amount of money to me and money in trust for DD'e education but didn't leave anything to them for various reasons. Then started talking about putting "dibs" in on various things belonging to my parents now. Not in dad's hearing, but mum did have to point out that it was my brother's own fault that things turned out this way and it wasn't appropriate to discuss it at this time.

I was really annoyed about this conversation and being messed around- I said so to my brother who thought I was over-reacting. He thought the stuff about mum and dad's stuff was a joke (if it was, I didn't think it was funny). We had a bit of a fight after everyone else had gone and I said they could make their own way home on Monday, as I wasn't putting myself out for 2 rude, ungrateful people. I'd take them to the nearest train station, but they could sort themselves out from there. Brother says they can't afford the train tickets, I said they should have thought of that before being so rude (not that they even offered to contribute to my petrol cost, BTW). Dad thinks I should take them as I agreed, and is upset that I have said I won't.

So AIBU? I am just so cross that they have been so crass and rude, then don't even have the grace to apologise and act like I'm the one in the wrong, while they are the injured party. The thing is, when it comes to my brother I sometimes can't see the wood for the trees and can over-react, so would appreciate some perspective. AIBU?

Sorry for the rant.

SO your DB stole from your GM, was a drug addict, an alcoholic and a gambler and was violent and aggressive?
I can totally see why she did not leave him anything in her will. Why would she do that to someone who stole a treasured possession? Was this to fuel one of his addictions? She probably thought any money she left him would go the same way. As for leaving it in trust to his children - we don't know that DB was even in a relationship at the time.
OP - your brother is a user. He and his wife seem to have gone out of their way to make things difficult for you re the travel arrangements when you've kindly gone out of your way. They sound very arrogant with the way they treat your time. And then they are incredibly rude at the family party. they both sound like total nightmares and I wouldn't want to spend 2 1/2 hours in a car with them on the way home! Getting a train back is hardly the end of the world.
It may be that you can never have a constructive relationship with your DB because of his attitude. It sounds like your DF is tiptoeing around this issue and expecting you to bend over backwards even when your DB makes like very unpleasant for you.

You say that you've decided to drive them back. Does that mean you've spoken, cleared the air, had apologies..?

Why are some posters on here determined to blame the OP for her grandmother's will?

"Gran should have left his share of the cash in trust for his children" And this?! Her gran can leave her money to who the hell she likes.

The brother has behaved appallingly by the sounds of it, and it's a bit unfair to blame the OP for making better choices in life.

Drive them back. Never agree to give them a lift or be in a situation where they can mess you about again. Plans will happen at set times, they can make it or not.

It sounds like the two of you are completely stuck in golden child/black sheep roles from childhood. Probably not either of your faults.

This. This is such a sad story.

I can hand on heart say I would share an unequal inheritance, in this case that may have meant putting money in trust for DC. OP - is that something you could consider even now? You have said a number of times how much more you have materially than them. Maybe it could be the start of putting some serious issues to bed for your DB?

Btw I do think your brother's behaviour is bad, but you are still reacting to it in a childish way with arguments and threats about lifts. Your parents must be sad that you can't manage your relationship, even as adults, although it does sound as though your mum has given up.

Well perhaps the dbro could return the proceeds of everything he stole from family and sold first?

Sheeeshhhhh.

I thought about saying this last night but didn't know how it would go down. So....

I too would have split that inheritance. Even if I stashed his share away until I knew he would spend it more sensibly, that money would have put aside for him. I actually couldn't pocket all the money myself knowing my sibling had been left nothing...no matter what he or she had done.
Especially knowing I was in a far better financial situation than they were.
The fact that you got left everything in the first place was a kick in the nuts...that you actually kept it all for yourself is another.

Posters will shout about how it was up to your grandmother and not your problem and anyway he deserves it for taking drugs, stealing and being aggressive. You will no doubt tell yourself they are right. Up to you...but don't expect your brother to respect or thank you for it, just as you feel about his former conduct yourself.

No one is painted in glory here imo.

Db and SIL have messed the op around, his SIL called the ops dd a brat, db ate all the food not leaving any for the op yet throughout the post all I see is everyone bending over backwards and walking on eggshells around the Db and his wife. The fact that the ops df would "have" to buy them train tickets to get them home goes someway towards explaining DB's attitude. Ops df needs to grow a pair and explain to his son some home truths instead of pussy footing around expecting everyone to be friends.

Db failed to get a mention from his gms will because he was a drug addicted a*ehole who stole from her and didn't have the decency to apologise and if you p*s off the person who has gone out of their way to give you a lift then you should not expect a lift home.

All actions have consequences so why was he expecting anything from his gm and equally why is he expecting a lift home if he chooses to p**s the op off.

Drive them back. Never agree to give them a lift or be in a situation where they can mess you about again.

This would have been my advice until about half way through when it sounded as though the situation went passed this point. If you're feeling conciliatory this morning then drive them back or contribute towards their train fare but don't worry if you want to take the third option of just sticking with your earlier decision of leaving them to it.

Would your brother and his wife actually want you to drive them home now?

I'd leave them to it OP!

I have two older brothers one is 13 years older than me and the other is 15 years older than me.

The oldest one has done nothing but cause my parents,my grandparents,my brother,myself and my family trouble.

He did all the drugs,drinking,stealing.Always in trouble with the Police.And he was the favored child when we were growing up.There is no excuse for his behavior and his partner is just as bad and she was supposed to be my Mum's best friend.

He stole money of my Mum just before she passed away under the guise of paying a bill for her which he never did,nearly £400.We stood up for her and she challenged him for only the second time in his life,she got the money back and we sorted the bill out for her.

At my Mum's wake he spoke to no one.Got up and made up a load of bullshit about my Mum in front of over a hundred people(she was very popular)friends,family,neighbors.He didn't help at all with the funeral or pay for anything.Myself,my husband and my Dad paid for all the funeral.My other brother helped arrange loads of it.

He,his partner and his children(all nearly my age)all stole from us at our wedding on our wedding day,over £400 worth of stuff.And I'm seriously ill and disabled and they all know that.

My Dad is in hospital right now with septicemia.He's not helped once.Myself,my husband and my other brother have done all the visits.We've paid for everything my Dad needs.Were buying the day bed he needs to come home.Were the one's that have done his garden up for him,walked the dogs and cleaned the house.

Finally my brother is reaping what he's sowed!It's a lesson people like my brother and your brother need to learn.I hope for your sake and your family's that your brother and Sil learn they're lesson and change.It's to late for my brother and Sil he's 55 and she's 62.

No way should he get any inheritance as GM did that on purpose. Her choice.
If money hadn't gone to OP then GM might have chosen a cats home. It is really none of his business where she left it.
It's not like she would have wanted him to be executor of trust funds for his kids.
His behaviour affects his family and cuts them out too.
I hope the DM and Ddad also do the same, if he continues his behaviour.

It's the old dictum that no good turn goes unpunished.

I usually wouldn't go ten yards out of my way to give people who don't drive and won't use the train a lift, simply because in my experience they are usually a pain in the arse. On the rare occasions when I agree to do this for family harmony, I state a time, arrive ten minutes before that time, and leave at that time, just like trains do. If the liftees aren't ready, they can walk. Some ex-friends whined endlessly about needing a lift a wedding we were going to, and when I got to their house hadn't even packed an overnight bag as they'd been "too busy". I just left them to it, and haven't spoken to them since. No loss.

You know, your nephews and nieces may well turn out to be nothing like their Dad.
Money in trust from their Great Grand Mother could be the making of them, but they haven't been given that chance.

How many hard working, successful people on here are the children of dysfunctional, addict parents - quite a lot.

Also it is not guaranteed that children of hardworking, successful, loving parents don't make the wrong decisions and make a mess of their lives.

I can't believe people are suggesting that the OP should give her addict brother half of her inheritance!

I can't believe people are suggesting that the OP should give her addict brother half of her inheritance!

Utterly ridiculous to compare this to cutting someone out of a will because they are gay ir marry an immigrant. The OPs brother stole from his gran and refused to apologise. I wouldn't have left him or his kids any money either - gran probably felt that he'd seen enough of her cash!

OP I agree that you should take them home if they are ready on time. If not, that's their look out. I also think their kids are hardly likely to suffer by going home on the train! I also think you need to nicely tell your dad the relationship is unrepairable and you won't be put in this position again so he isn't to ask you to ferry your brother around in the future.

I don't think it's a case of me being morally superior to them, I just don't think they have behaved in a way I find acceptable in relation to this incident. I admit, it would have been better to bite my tongue, reminded them that there could be no such delays on the way back and just never agree to give them a lift again. It would have saved a lot of difficulties all round. For my dad's sake and to save further problems, I will take them home provided they are ready to leave on time. If they are rude on they back, I'll do my best to ignore them. I haven't had an apology, but I'm not holding out for one either.

As for the inheritance, I understand the point about how he probably feels hard done by, but really his actions (and lack of apology) are the cause of it. I don't think DGM wanted to leave him so much as a penny- she was very hurt by what he did. He had kicked his drug habit by the time she died, she knew that. It may seem petty to some, but I don't think what he did could just be brushed aside.

DGM knew he had one son, but their DS2 had not arrived. DGM never met DN1 due to the estrangement. I can see some people think I am cruel not to share what I inherited, but that was categorically against her wishes.

I understand the point that the consequence of not giving him a share of the inheritance is that he will be resentful. So if I don't chose to share with him, I'll have to put up with the fact he feels that way. In the same way, surely the consequence of his behaviour is that he did not receive an inheritance? It's not like we were close before and this event changed it all. He has showed no more interest than I have in rebuilding our relationship- before or after finding out about DGM will. I have no huge desire to be close, I think I would be happy if we could both manage to be polite and civil when we do have to meet. I suspect he would be happy with that too.

That said, while it was certainly a decent sum of money, the same was left to both of our cousins- and the vast majority of her estate was split between my DM and her brother. I don't have the ability, even if I wished to, to alter DDs trust to include DN's.

In any case, I doubt they would spend the money on the boys school education, as they don't seem to agree with private schooling. SIL has commented she wouldn't send them to private school as it would be a nightmare for them because of where they live.

This is one where you would like to hear the other side of the story.

I feel for the DC, what a horrible weekend for them. If your DH is as bad as you say (and things are never black and white) why should his DCs, who are innocent in all this, be punished?

If SIL is working and your DB has conquered his drug addiction and hasn't repeated the behaviour of his earlier years, they sound like they are trying hard to build a better, stable life for their DC.

How long will you punish him, and his whole family, for?

I think his DC should have received some inheritance in that situation, and I would have given it to them tbh. In fact I would have given my DB some too.

These situations are never as black and white as you are making it sound. You are passing all this on to the next generation. I feel for your dad too.

DB not your DH, sorry.

I would take them home on the condition that they are ready on time, and never do anything for them again.

I think if i still had the inheritance i would put some in a trust fund for dns. Its not their fault that their father made bad decisions.

x post with your update

I agree - it would have been terrible to go against your DGMs express wishes regarding her estate. Perhaps if your brother had gone to her and showed some true repentance she might have changed her will, but now he has to live with the consequences of his bad choices - both the theft and his refusal to apologise to her.
if the inheritance is his major beef, then he is being very unreasonable to direct his resentment to you when your two cousins benefited to the same amount. And that your DM and her brother received substantially more. If if five family members all feel that the terms of the will should be upheld then it suggests your brother is perceived as generally untrustworthy.
You are a decent person for agreeing to do your brother the favour of transporting his family without even a word of thanks. Please don't put up with any nonsense from him on the journey back. Keeping their mouths shut is a small price to pay for a free chauffeur.
Both he and his wife sound like the sort of people who could start an argument in an empty room.