DB/SIL- AIBU? need some perspective

[jacks11]

I have something of a fraught relationship with my DB, don't really know SIL all that well but we don't get on particularly well. There is a lot of back story to my relationship with DB, but a lot of it is related to his behaviour towards me (and my parents) in his mid-teens and early twenties (alcohol and drug related, but also a lot of deceit and aggression). I find SIL very odd- no motivation to do anything with her life but always moaning that she isn't happy where they live/with her job etc. Whenever she's been to visit me or my parents, she has been quite stand-offish and has to be coaxed into being pleasant.

It was my dad's 65th birthday today and we had organised a bit of a birthday do for family and close friends, at my parent's house. My gran (dad's DM) was being brought by one of my aunts, it's a bit of a drive and she is quite frail so the plan was always that she'd only be staying for a few hours and then she go home. She doesn't like staying away from home or she could have stayed the night. Dad has had a serious illness recently and so he hasn't seen as much of his mum as would normally be the case.

The plan was for me to pick up my brother, SIL and 2 nephews to take them to my parents for the party and drive them back down on Monday (I have to drive that way on Monday for a conference, so it's only a bit out of they way). They don't have a car, and apparently can't get the train for various reasons. I agreed to this as a favour to my parents. It's a 2 and a bit hour journey each way. I arranged to pick brother and nephews up at 11am this morning. SIL was being picked up from work about 11:30.

Just before I was due to arrive, my brother phoned me to say they had left the car seats at his PIL so I had to divert to their house (1/2 across town from my brothers). When I got to my brother's house, they still weren't ready. 15 minutes later my brother announced he needed to go to the supermarket (4 streets away) as they needed nappies for my youngest nephew and needed to get something for Dad's birthday as they hadn't managed to get round to doing this yet. Agreed to this, but was a bit cross tbh. Then went to pick up SIL, who then said "oh, can I take in [youngest nephew] to see my work colleagues?". I said that I'd prefer it if they did it another time as we were running late. She sort of huffed and said she needed to take him in to change his nappy but would be back quickly. Queue 20 minutes later, still not back. Brother went in to see what was wrong- she was busy showing him off to her colleagues after all. I was quite cross, and it was probably obvious- we were now running over an hour late. Half way through the journey, oldest nephew and SIL decide they are hungry and need to stop to get something- neither of them had thought to bring something to eat for the journey apparently. So now we were running really late.

Eventually arrive, late for food and have also managed to miss most of gran's visit, which I had been looking forward to. She was disappointed too- and also sad that she hadn't seen much of my nephews, as she doesn't see them often. Brother proceeds to stuff himself on the food, leaving little for me as I had been trying to get things sorted. I pointed this out and he just shrugged and said "oops". SIL sat with "a face like fizz" and moped. She also spent much of the afternoon sniping about various things (e.g. she thinks all children who go to private school are brats- my DD goes to one). They also started talking about the unfairness of my late grandmother's will- she left a significant amount of money to me and money in trust for DD'e education but didn't leave anything to them for various reasons. Then started talking about putting "dibs" in on various things belonging to my parents now. Not in dad's hearing, but mum did have to point out that it was my brother's own fault that things turned out this way and it wasn't appropriate to discuss it at this time.

I was really annoyed about this conversation and being messed around- I said so to my brother who thought I was over-reacting. He thought the stuff about mum and dad's stuff was a joke (if it was, I didn't think it was funny). We had a bit of a fight after everyone else had gone and I said they could make their own way home on Monday, as I wasn't putting myself out for 2 rude, ungrateful people. I'd take them to the nearest train station, but they could sort themselves out from there. Brother says they can't afford the train tickets, I said they should have thought of that before being so rude (not that they even offered to contribute to my petrol cost, BTW). Dad thinks I should take them as I agreed, and is upset that I have said I won't.

So AIBU? I am just so cross that they have been so crass and rude, then don't even have the grace to apologise and act like I'm the one in the wrong, while they are the injured party. The thing is, when it comes to my brother I sometimes can't see the wood for the trees and can over-react, so would appreciate some perspective. AIBU?

Sorry for the rant.

But yes your brothers behaviour is unacceptable. However I think you need to step beyond your childhood roles and look forward positively.

It almost makes it worse that she left money in trust for your children when they were already at private school. She gave to the children who didn't need it and not to those who did.

Yes, SIL and DB are acting like arses, but do you want to be right or do you want to have a better relationship? Because I don't think you can do both.

everyone saying the Grandmother should have left DB share of inheritance in a trust for his DC....they might not have been born when she died..

My Nan left money to all but one if her DGC because of his use of drugs. That grandchild died before Nan, so the rest of us reduced our share and gave it to his children.

They've been rude and ungrateful. I understand their resentment, but they have to be adult and try to rise above it. As do you, really. If I were you, I'd take them home, for your parents' sakes and just turn the radio on during the journey! You'll feel better for having done it and it'll stop your parents worrying so much.

They were rude and they were ungrateful but I can understand why he feels like the black sheep.

Had v similar situation in my family, grandfather disinherited my sister because of her various addiction issues. When he died my other siblings and I gave her a share of our own money. I felt that was the only fair thing to do.

Well I understand.

My dbro and sil are the same. Always want stiff, but never willing to help our or even visit anyone if its not in their interest.

Personally I would take them back and never do it again. Yes people with children can run late, but and hour and half late, because they didn't get nappies or want to show off their baby at work isn't running late because you have babies. Its ridiculous behaviour.

I have been cut out if my grandads will because he is an alcoholic and violent so I refuse to speak to him. He has called me awful things when drunk. Dbro still visits him on occasion. Only family member dbro visits. I assume he is in the will. I won't be upset when grandad dies and dbro get money and I don't. Seems perfectly fair to me.

I have similar sometimes with my DB and SIL and tbh we do have a good relationship much of the time. But the world very much revolves around them and they will always turn up hours after we've arranged to meet or cancel at the last minute because something has come up that is much more important. My DB carries a lot of resentment about our roles as children and that's hard to get past.

Personally I would take them back as you're going that way anyway but make it clear that you won't be doing it again.

YANBU on any count. My DB had similar behaviour in his teens/early twenties. Drugs, violence to me, fractured my dads cheekbone once. He tainted many parts of my childhood. We see each other once or twice a year now and are civil, but I will never forgive or forget what he did. I don't want to move on, I feel I now have the upper hand by maintaining minimal contact and it feels good.
Your DB behaviour sounds horrendous. It doesn't matter if you are a millionaire, your GM left money to you and your DD. Enjoy it. Benefit from it. Your DB is reaping the rewards of his appalling behaviour and life choices. Society would be a better place if there were more repercussions like this.
FWIW I would take them home for your nephews sake, but this episode would reinforce all my previous feelings about them, and I would make zero effort with them at all from now on.

He can be as hurt as he likes at being left out of your DGMs will; it was his own actions that caused it, and when you behave badly there are consequences. Don't we all teach our children this? If he didn't realize it at the time, he must now.

Why is he expecting sympathy, and special treatment?

YANBU.

Be the better person and drive them home.

Are you morally obliged to leave all family members the same amount in your will? Yes, I would say you are IF you care about family harmony after you die. I do think it is immoral to drive a rift between family members through a grossly unequal estate. What if Granny had cut him out b/c he was gay? Or had married an immigrant? Would that be okay because she found it unacceptable and, hey, it was her money? The worst thing for your relationship with db is that you agree with Gran that he was undeserving and that you are the favoured child for good, moral reasons. Db and SIL are horribly rude to you but I suspect they have a long list of reasons, which will include the money and your unwavering belief in your moral superiority over db. You have every right to dislike your db based on his behaviour over a long period of time. Sounds like he has been an arse. This whole episode of giving them a ride has done nothing but further convince you that you are right and he is wrong. The ride home will do the same. Give your dad money for train tickets to give to them as though it was from him.

I can't see how or why anyone would think the OP was entitled.

Can I ask why neither DB or SIL drive. Wouldn't it be more helpful in their own lives if one or both drove. I think your DB is stuck in his mid teens and not moved on from that age. He might have got married and had kids but his attitude appears to be one of a petulant teenager. I actually think he needs help to move on and grow up.

The problem being because he has not grown up it will probably invoke a teens reaction.

So people can behave however they want, and those on the receiving end of it have to stamp 'doormat' on their forehead, lie down and be walked all over?

They have to just take and accept whatever is thrown at them?

Itk - but the OP is morally superior to her brother. The OP is not a thief.

No. I think OP should avoid future contact with db as he has treated her terribly and I think she should refuse to drive them home. They were shockingly rude to the person who went out of her way to give them a free ride. But if she is worried that the outcome of not giving them a ride is that her df will fund the train, she can give the ticket money to df.
I also think we would hear a very different version of events from db.

I don-t have the foggiest if the OP is morally superior to her db. I know nothing of her or her life other than what is written here.

Why should the OP pay for their train tickets?

If her dad pays and lets the brother avoid the consequences of his shitty behaviour (I don't think putting claims on possessions for when your parents are dead is funny) that up so the dad. If the OP has decided she isn't going out of her way to help an ungrateful pair of adults...paying for the tickets is just pandering to them.

Her dad is an adult, if he decides to pay that's on him.

Db was horrible. Db still is horrible.

Drive them back - I bet they will try to sabotage you in some way- but avoid in future.

I don-t have the foggiest if the OP is morally superior to her db. I know nothing of her or her life other than what is written here.

Of course that's all we know. The whole AIBU is making opinions on the information available. You have formed opinions based on the information given, why can't you form one on moral superiority.

I have offered what limited opinion I can based on the facts I have. I could not claim one is morally superior to the other based on what is written here. For all I know she has parked all her money in an offshore account to avoid taxes (I am not saying you do that OP!) and is as big a thief as db.

She does not have to give df any money for tix. But it sounded as though she was feeling guilty about refusing to drive them home and was worried that df would pay for the tix. And driving them home will only further damage their relationship, which already looks pretty bleak.