DB/SIL- AIBU? need some perspective

[jacks11]

I have something of a fraught relationship with my DB, don't really know SIL all that well but we don't get on particularly well. There is a lot of back story to my relationship with DB, but a lot of it is related to his behaviour towards me (and my parents) in his mid-teens and early twenties (alcohol and drug related, but also a lot of deceit and aggression). I find SIL very odd- no motivation to do anything with her life but always moaning that she isn't happy where they live/with her job etc. Whenever she's been to visit me or my parents, she has been quite stand-offish and has to be coaxed into being pleasant.

It was my dad's 65th birthday today and we had organised a bit of a birthday do for family and close friends, at my parent's house. My gran (dad's DM) was being brought by one of my aunts, it's a bit of a drive and she is quite frail so the plan was always that she'd only be staying for a few hours and then she go home. She doesn't like staying away from home or she could have stayed the night. Dad has had a serious illness recently and so he hasn't seen as much of his mum as would normally be the case.

The plan was for me to pick up my brother, SIL and 2 nephews to take them to my parents for the party and drive them back down on Monday (I have to drive that way on Monday for a conference, so it's only a bit out of they way). They don't have a car, and apparently can't get the train for various reasons. I agreed to this as a favour to my parents. It's a 2 and a bit hour journey each way. I arranged to pick brother and nephews up at 11am this morning. SIL was being picked up from work about 11:30.

Just before I was due to arrive, my brother phoned me to say they had left the car seats at his PIL so I had to divert to their house (1/2 across town from my brothers). When I got to my brother's house, they still weren't ready. 15 minutes later my brother announced he needed to go to the supermarket (4 streets away) as they needed nappies for my youngest nephew and needed to get something for Dad's birthday as they hadn't managed to get round to doing this yet. Agreed to this, but was a bit cross tbh. Then went to pick up SIL, who then said "oh, can I take in [youngest nephew] to see my work colleagues?". I said that I'd prefer it if they did it another time as we were running late. She sort of huffed and said she needed to take him in to change his nappy but would be back quickly. Queue 20 minutes later, still not back. Brother went in to see what was wrong- she was busy showing him off to her colleagues after all. I was quite cross, and it was probably obvious- we were now running over an hour late. Half way through the journey, oldest nephew and SIL decide they are hungry and need to stop to get something- neither of them had thought to bring something to eat for the journey apparently. So now we were running really late.

Eventually arrive, late for food and have also managed to miss most of gran's visit, which I had been looking forward to. She was disappointed too- and also sad that she hadn't seen much of my nephews, as she doesn't see them often. Brother proceeds to stuff himself on the food, leaving little for me as I had been trying to get things sorted. I pointed this out and he just shrugged and said "oops". SIL sat with "a face like fizz" and moped. She also spent much of the afternoon sniping about various things (e.g. she thinks all children who go to private school are brats- my DD goes to one). They also started talking about the unfairness of my late grandmother's will- she left a significant amount of money to me and money in trust for DD'e education but didn't leave anything to them for various reasons. Then started talking about putting "dibs" in on various things belonging to my parents now. Not in dad's hearing, but mum did have to point out that it was my brother's own fault that things turned out this way and it wasn't appropriate to discuss it at this time.

I was really annoyed about this conversation and being messed around- I said so to my brother who thought I was over-reacting. He thought the stuff about mum and dad's stuff was a joke (if it was, I didn't think it was funny). We had a bit of a fight after everyone else had gone and I said they could make their own way home on Monday, as I wasn't putting myself out for 2 rude, ungrateful people. I'd take them to the nearest train station, but they could sort themselves out from there. Brother says they can't afford the train tickets, I said they should have thought of that before being so rude (not that they even offered to contribute to my petrol cost, BTW). Dad thinks I should take them as I agreed, and is upset that I have said I won't.

So AIBU? I am just so cross that they have been so crass and rude, then don't even have the grace to apologise and act like I'm the one in the wrong, while they are the injured party. The thing is, when it comes to my brother I sometimes can't see the wood for the trees and can over-react, so would appreciate some perspective. AIBU?

Sorry for the rant.

It is not just that granny had a divisive will. You sound pretty convinced that you were deserving of the money and he deserved to be cut out. Thus your dd deserves her privilege and his dc deserve their lack of it. I reckon that's a poisonous attitude to bring to a relationship.
I don't think you should drive them home. You do not approve of him or of SIL and they do not like you.

I would take them back - for the sake of the kids. But I would tell them that they need to be ready and make sure they have snacks/nappies for the journey.
And make sure you just talk about the weather.

Copper

we are in our thirties. I can see why it looks like he is still being punished- but it's partly because the things he has done mean I don't trust him. That might not be fair but that's how I feel. Credit where it's due, he has kicked the drugs but alcohol is still an intermittent problem for him.

We have had problems recently, even when I have tried to help they complain and gripe. Most recently it was when I looked after my DNs whilst they went to a wedding- weren't happy with various things. They have borrowed money and not paid it back- both from me and our parents. They expect to be ferried about when they do come to visit our parents. But I do admit that sometimes I over-react to things he does.

FWIW my DD was at private school, paid for by us, before I inherited money from our grandmother. My brother knew what was in my grandmother's will for a long time, although not sure he thought she would actually go through with it.

Various
well, he did the usual things addicts do- lying, stealing etc. He was also physically aggressive towards me on several occasions, although only actually hit me once. He knew I was intimidated by him though, and used it. I don't trust him, although don't think he would do anything like this now.
As to what he did to my grandmother, he stole jewellery from her, which was of huge sentimental importance at at time when she was very vulnerable. She was trying to help him at the time. He refused to apologise for this to her. I don't really know why he didn't.

itk
I do think he deserved to be cut out. Maybe I'm wrong, but what he did was horrible and the fact that he didn't apologise just compounded it.

There was financial disparity between us that predates this and has nothing to do with inherited money, but rather related to our earned incomes. I don't think his children "deserve" to be disadvantaged. However, regardless of this inheritance they would be "disadvantaged"- in financial terms anyway.

However, I do agree perhaps I have been a bit unreasonable to refuse to take them home because I was angry. It would have been better to bite my tongue and just not give them a lift in the future.

I will take them, provided they are ready at the time that I need to leave and understand that I don't have time for various diversions.

He's a lying, thriving no good person. addicts generally are.

You wouldn't forgive a stranger who acted like that but people expect you to when it's a blood relative.

You do not like or trust or respect him. He feels the same about you. So do not put yourself in situations, like agreeing to give he and his family a ride, where you will just find further reasons to judge him and find him rude. There is no relationship here to salvage. Your db is probably loving that you are the bad guy this time, and that others will be judging you for leaving he and his dc stranded after you broke your promise. I honestly don't think you should drive them back when driving them there has caused a massive row. They have been very rude. And you think he's such an arse that granny was right to cut him out. Don't spend time with each other.

Stick to your guns. Text and say you already had a long journey which was delayed twice - car seats food nappies etc. It would drive me bonkers. How can they not see this is unreasonable? It shouldnt be down to anyone else to get them home, he has never taken any responsibility for his own actions. He needs to grow up

tbh op re the time you sound quite over the top. people esp with young kids r never ready on time. Maybe if time was that tight u should have arranged to collect them earlier. Also unreasonable not to expect stops with young kids. They do sound quite unpleasant but I think you contributed to problem.

What about their DCs though? They are your nephews, if it were me I would want to take them home safely and comfortably and to minimise the amount of stress they are exposed to watching the adults in their family fight. I'd suck it up and not offer again.

saoirse

Maybe you have a point about my being cross about them not being ready when I arrived. I couldn't pick them up earlier, as SIL wouldn't be ready. If my nephew had needed to stop for the toilet/nappy change or to have a break due to car-sickness, I wouldn't have minded as I do recognise these things happen.

However, I don't think expecting someone to be ready on time is unreasonable. If someone has put themselves out to help me, I would make sure I had the car seats, or if really couldn't do so I would let them know about needing to go elsewhere to pick them up in plenty of time. I would not be wasting time showing my DC off to work colleagues, knowing that I was causing a delay, and when asked not to. I would not have neglected to get nappies and assume the person giving me a lift would be happy to take me shopping. I would not set out on a longish car journey with no drinks/food for children. If I am late, I have the good grace to apologise. I don't think expecting these things is unreasonable.

Dc are DB problem - if someone drive over 2 hours to pick me up - i would never accept that offer - and they didnt have basics for travel i.e car seats and nappies and snacks - They are disorganised and disrespectful. You treat people as you expect to be treated.

Xpost! An apology is the very least you should expect. If they want a lift they should apologise and be ready.

He's doing all that stuff, making you late and refusing to apologise, to piss you off.

YANBU. They are users, and taking the mickey.
I would take them home for the sake of the nephews, but would not bother with them again.

itk
maybe so, but I shouldn't have risen to the bait. I should have let them get on with it and made a mental note not to help out again if asked. Instead, between us we have managed to cause a big row and bad feeling.

I just find it so annoying that I tried to help (admittedly, I only did so because our parents have asked me to help so that brother/SIL/DN's could come to dad's birthday) and got mucked about.

It's hard, because whilst our mum accepts that we don't really get on and let's us avoid each other most of the time, Dad would really like us to get on. He can get quite upset that we don't.

Yes but I think OP deserves an apology for the completely unnecessary pisstaking delays on the way there, and DM and DF for their horrible behaviour when they were there.

I also agree that OP should take them back for the sake of the DNs.

But it needs to be clear that if they aren't all in the car ready to go by a certain time (15 mins earlier than you would normally plan to leave) then you HAVE to go without them.

And never offer any lifts or lend money or anything like that ever again.

They aren't your responsibility.

I think I'm alone in this, but I think it's a bit U to drive someone somewhere and then say "get yourselves home" if they don't have the money and no longer have the option to say "too poor for this family party. We'll stay home"

I mean, what do you expect them to do? Walk? I presume in reality your DF will just have to pick up the tab, so you're not really even resolving anything and just pushing the problem on to him.

owl
I have decided to take them back, provided they are ready to leave on time. If they aren't ready, they really will have to find alternative means of getting home as they do know I have other commitments. They knew this when the original arrangements were made and said that was fine.

As an aside, re inheritance- I see a few posters feel my brother is entitled to feel hurt, and perhaps unjustly treated, because he was left out of our grandmother's will. I guess he may be upset that their relationship ended on such a poor note (although took no steps to try and repair their relationship). If I'd have been really hurt if I had been left out of my grandmother's will entirely because we were close. Although I was only ever imagining I'd receive a small "minding" rather than anything major. My brother knew he'd been written out of the will, and he knew why. I had expected him to have made his peace with it.

Personally, I don't feel it is unfair to not leave anything to a relative who has done something that you find unacceptable/unforgivable. Are you morally entitled to include, and treat equally, all your close relatives in your will? Surely there are times when it is reasonable to leave someone out or give them a smaller share? I can understand it might be seen as divisive- especially if the person being left out had no idea this was the case or why.

Personally, I don't feel it is unfair to not leave anything to a relative who has done something that you find unacceptable/unforgivable. Absolutely, but she could have left money in trust for the GC.

It sounds like the two of you are completely stuck in golden child/black sheep roles from childhood. Probably not either of your faults. FWIW addiction is horrible for everyone, including the addict.

Your brother stole from your grandmother and refused to apologise - I'm surprised he's still invited to family occasions TBH, never mind expecting a cut of her will.

And then when he is there he talks about how your parents stuff will be divvied up He sounds grasping and unpleasant.

I'd try and distance yourself OP, I don't think you should be in the position of bring apologetic for being the 'golden child' just because you aren't a thief with multiple addictions. Yes it's a shame for your nephews, but it's up to your brother and SIL how they parent and you and you DGM aren't responsible for that.

It's sad for your dad as he's clearly hurt about the relationship, but if he wants to improve things then he needs to have a serious chat with your DB about the consequences of his actions.

Gran should have left his share of the cash in trust for his children rather then give it to you.

Also with such a disparity of cash, I do think its nice to help transport less well off/less mobile siblings. My family does still (with sporadic longer distance trips if it fits in) as it's just a small way of supporting each other.

When making arrangements to collect them next time, just explain you want to be at the destination for x time. Then again the day before remind them of timings. Arrive at theirs early to allow a little faffing on the day.

Lastly what did you do to upset them while looking after their kids?