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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Honest opinions is 42 too old....

243 replies

Summerwood1 · 02/05/2015 09:19

To be thinking about having one last baby? I have a 10 year old daughter and would love to start again!!!

OP posts:

MissDuke · 02/05/2015 13:04

I had mine at 22, 26 and 30. However I see nothing wrong with early 40's and I see it as normal - I am a student midwife and know that certainly risks increase, however your care will be planned to minimise these risks. It is very common!

theDudesmummy · 02/05/2015 13:08

There are increased risks, statistically, of course, I only started ttc after 40 and had three miscarriages before having DS. And he is autistic, which is more common in children of older women. No regrets at all for me, but is worth thinking about when you are making the right decision for you.

classicallyfloral · 02/05/2015 13:10

Autism is something that worries me a lot, although I have read that it's a result of older dads.

theDudesmummy · 02/05/2015 13:10

Both are true.

10000Fireflies · 02/05/2015 13:10

YANBU. Why not have a go if it's what you want but don't hang around as it's still easier at 42 than 45+. Good luck if you decide to go ahead and come and join us on the 40+ conception thread if you do.

ahbollocks · 02/05/2015 13:13

Imho. Too old, by 42 I woukd want to be enjoying my wages and I dont think I could cope with the sleep deprivation and get into shape as easily.
Also dont think I could emotionally cope with another miscarriage (had a particularly awful one at 23)

Eltonjohnsflorist · 02/05/2015 13:15

Well, I think as others have said sadly the decision to try doesn't mean a baby will happen at 40 so if I were you is give it a go and see what happens.

Songofsixpence · 02/05/2015 13:20

For me, yes, I think 42 is too old. I'm 39 and think I'm too old to have another baby now.

I already have nearly 10 and nearly 14 year olds and to be honest, I can't think of anything worse than going back to the baby days now.

I was out with a friend with a 2 year old a couple of weeks ago - the nappy changing, carting round everything except the kitchen sink, the tantrums over broken biscuits and general life with a very young child was just exhausting. The risks involved, the toll pregnancy takes on your body, the sleepless nights, etc and I think I'm too old for it now and I certainly don't have anywhere near the patience for it

Were starting to get our lives back a bit and I want to enjoy a bit of freedom. I don't want to be pushing 50 with a nearly 10 year old.

But that's me, different strokes for different folks. Another friend has just had her 3rd baby at 40 (her older ones are 15 and 12) and is loving every minute.

Bogeyface · 02/05/2015 13:22

I am 42 at the end of the month and the only thing stopping me is lack of money and space!

Bogeyface · 02/05/2015 13:23

Stupid phone.....

Give me a lottery win and I will be popping them out until I am 50!

sparkysparkysparky · 02/05/2015 14:46

Song. Pushing 50 with an under 10 isn't the horror film you imagine. not for you; that's Ok. Don't assume it's a dreadful thing for everyone.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 02/05/2015 14:53

If you had babies in your twenties I can understand why you are relieved to get to 40 with no more nappy changes. Those of us who have our babies later spent our 20s and 30s having the freedom you didn't. It's not that much of a hardship to spend some of your 40s with Pampers and Peppa Pig if you've done your share of partying and travelling.

Stinkersmum · 02/05/2015 15:12

TondelayoSchwarzkopf exactly. I'm 40 in a few weeks and due my first I'm October. I've had a fab time in my 20s and 30s. Friends, parties, holidays, travel etc etc. In fact I'm still travelling now (dh's job). But I'm also now financially comfortable. We have the luxury of choice regarding whether I work or not. I've had years of watching others raise children. I've taken some tips on what not to do. I'm as fit now as I was 10 years ago. Also a lot less selfish and a bit more pragmatic. This is the perfect time for me to have a baby.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/05/2015 15:17

Nope. My mum was 41 when she had her last child and she was already a grandmother. I was 16 and my siblings were older when Dsis was born.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2015 15:19

Song wasn't saying that and nobody else is saying you shouldn't. Giving their own opinion of what they would do is just that - their own opinion as it relates to themselves and their own circumstances.

I wouldn't/couldn't cope easily with the circumstances of having a child with severe disabilities. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't love them or cope with their needs but I would really struggle. It's my limitation, not theirs and I accept that. I wouldn't consider a baby in my forties for that reason as well as thinking that the probability of leaving a child as a young adult would cause stress to me/them, so I wouldn't.

These are my issues, nobody else's and they're also my reasons and I wouldn't defend them because I don't have to. Some of the posts are verging on defensive and there's no need - everybody makes their own decisions and they're free to do that. For wouldn't, don't read shouldn't^ - that's unfair.

morage · 02/05/2015 15:22

I have two friends who are both terminally ill with cancer in their 50's. One has led a very healthy lifestyle and had parents and grandparents who lived into their 80's and 90's. It can happen at any age, but the risks do seem to really increase once you get into your 50's.

Remember as well that you will be going through the menopause when you have a teenager in the house. Fine if you have an easy menopause, difficult if you don't.

Songofsixpence · 02/05/2015 15:25

Song. Pushing 50 with an under 10 isn't the horror film you imagine. not for you; that's Ok. Don't assume it's a dreadful thing for everyone.

Yes, I said in my post several times that it wasn't for me

I don't want to be pushing 50 with an under 10.

Nowhere have I, even vaguely, suggested it would be dreadful for everyone

Miss60 · 02/05/2015 15:26

I'm laughing my arse off at whomever said they don't know anyone who had their babies after 40. I had things I wanted to do before settling done with a family, travel, go to grad school, buy a home. In my circle of friends, we don't know anyone who started a family before age 35.

Honeylimerainbow · 02/05/2015 15:27

Thank goodness my parents thought they'd live to be in their 80s :)

They had me in their mid-thirties and died in their fifties.

It was sad, but I'm fine now.

As you so rightly say, it can happen to anybody!

TrollshaveLittleWillies · 02/05/2015 15:30

I had all mine before 30 but I don't think over 40 is 'too old' at all. The only thing is that you must think through the genetic risk aspect very carefully. I wanted my DC why I was younger as I wanted to minimise any genetic risks.

Roseotto · 02/05/2015 15:32

I know very few people had babies in their 20s! Quite a few had a last one at 40+. Go for it, it may be plain sailing but you'll never know if you don't try.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2015 15:32

Miss60... Why would you be laughing?

They might be younger than you
Their circle of friends my be younger than yours
Financial situation might mean that they had their children younger
May have settled down younger
May have taken less time to do they things they wanted to do before babies
May have had a partner that enabled them not to work whilst they had children so planned for this
May have travelled younger
May have inherited money/property/had provision made for them younger
May have studied/done Uni part time even full time - younger or older

... so many variables, none of them threatening to you.

morage · 02/05/2015 15:32

Yes the risks increase of Downs Syndrome with age. Consider whether that is an issue for you?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 02/05/2015 15:35

50 is a tragically young age to be terminally ill. Yes health risks increase but it is still very unusual to be facing that in your 50s.

I'll be 50 with a 10 year old. My aunt was 53. It kept her young and I hope it does for me.

TwoOddSocks · 02/05/2015 15:37

As you so rightly say, it can happen to anybody!

Yes it (parents dying prematurely) can happen to anyone but it is massively more likely to happen to someone who has a child at 45 then someone who has a child at 25.

Really I would ignore all personal anecdotes of "I had my kid at 45 and was fine". If having a child with a genetic problem (e.g. down syndrome) is a significant consideration look up the statistics and decide whether the risks are acceptable to you personally. For example at 35 your chance of having a child with DS is 1 in 350 by 45 it's 1 in 30. For me that risk would be unacceptably high for others it's absolutely fine.

The same applies to all risks. It's stupid to say "well I could have my kid at 25 and die at 26" the point is whether the chances of it happening are acceptable to you. For me the risk of this happening having my child in my 20s to early 30s is acceptable but beyond 40 the risk is too high, other people are prepared to accept a bigger risk.

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