Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's not in the will but...

229 replies

JillCrewe · 30/04/2015 15:32

... this is doing my head in. I think I am bu....here goes.
I am a widow with 3 young DC, and both my parents died before and shortly after DH. His mother died days before he did; his dad died long ago. So DD, the eldest (DS was a baby) had all this death and visits to hospital and caring for terminally ill people to endure.
I am broke in cash terms, living in small terraced house working pt. I invested the money late DH inherited in another similar little house which I rent out; I want my children to inherit something. I don't really see this as my money. So to many people I am probably rich tho' I do have lots of loans to pay.
The bit I cannot cope with is my BIL, who has no children and no living relatives apart from my children. He refuses to help me out in any way whatsoever, and now lives a comfortable semi-retired life, benefitting also from a huge inheritance from a childless godparent. Think 4 bed executive home, new car, lots of foreign holidays a year, new kitchen, garden relandscaped etc.
Just 2% of the inheritance from his parents, my DC's Grandparents, would lift me out of my overdrafts (not the mortgage and loan) and help see me through to when my son starts school and I can increase my work hours. I am permanently exhausted, pay over half my salary on childcare, and am trying to survive financially on less than one quarter of our income when DH was alive.
DD was very traumatised; I try so hard to keep her spirits up. She has loves riding, and so that it was she does, but none of these things are cheap.
I know I should not expect BIL to feel under any obligation to support his late brother's family. But he takes no interest in the children (also his godchildren) and their ups and downs, and further has told me categorically never to expect help from him. Yet he expects to see them each school holiday and I promised dying DH that I would not alienate the children from his brother.
We didn't see him last holidays because in reply to his suggestion that it was time to meet, telling us how LUCKY we are, I told him we didn't have luck and we are broke and luck would be some financial assistance. He hasn't contacted us again.
I feel such a failure. But I can't get out of my head that morally he should help us, because he can. I'm not asking for his hard earned cash. Just some recognition that my children did not have any provision in the will and he has the power to change that. So please tell me I have no right to expect financial support from him, and the notion of more wealthy family members helping out poorer ones died 100 years ago.
I never treat myself, no hair cuts, no alcohol, everything goes on the children. I was even given a bottle of wine by someone I had helped, and guess what, I gave it to him as a birthday present when we last met. There's so much more horribleness, from him, but right now I am stuck with the promise I made DH and the sheer falseness of the situation.
Did you really read all that?!?

OP posts:
shewept · 30/04/2015 18:13

But if your pills money doesn't belong to you, then why the issue with bil wanting it to go straight to them?

I think your problem is that bil, in your view, should help you purely because he is single and you have kids. You had a small payout from dogs life insurance and have another property to sell. I think you envy his life. Not that you would swop your years with dh or your kids. But you feel he has an easy life and yours is hard. Which maybe true, but it's still no reason to guilt him into giving you more money, when you have access to more than enough. It maybe grief that's making you think like this. I have never heard of inheritance being split based on whether you are married and how many kids you have. You are being unfair to say he should help because he is single.

But I suspect there is more to this than you are telling. Bil didn't want you having access to his parents money and wanted it to go to the kids, he wants to see your kids but is unwilling to help financially. You have massive debts but own one house outright and have a small mortgage on the house you live in.

Why didn't you use pils estate to clear your own mortgage and debts? That way when you work ft, you can save more money.

WipsGlitter · 30/04/2015 18:15

I'm sorry for what you've been through.

If you husband was still alive would you still think it unfair? What his parents did was fair with the 50/50 split.

I'm a bit lost though. Does the btl have no mortgage on it? If so you should free up the cash, pay off your loan and overdraft and then if you want but Isas or put it in bank accounts locked in for your children.

You will still be able to leave them your house and the money. Being under so much stress at the minute can't be good for them or you.

coconutpie · 30/04/2015 18:17

Ok so from your update you said the inheritance from his parents was 50/50 but you think he should give up some of his because there's only 1 of him and 3 of you? You've got to be kidding me. Perhaps in later life he might have a family of his own. Your attitude is really bad tbh. Do not ask him for money. If you do, he is well within reason to tell you to take a hike. You and your children do not deserve the money more than him - you've got an inheritance already so sell up the house you rent out and get on with your life and leave BIL out of it. This money problem is a result of you refusing to sell the house. It makes no sense whatsoever to invest money in property which you don't intend your children to have access to until you die - that could be in 60/70 years time. In the meantime, you'd prefer to have them live on the breadline? That is just so stupid.

TrollshaveLittleWillies · 30/04/2015 18:21

Sorry but it's another YABU from me and I think it would be wrong and inappropriate to email your BIL. I don't understand why you wouldn't sell the second house. Confused

Also, I see that your DD has riding lessons, might that be something you could cut to save money? I understand that you would want to do everything you can for your DC but if you are struggling for cash then you have to make some tough choices. i imagine that your BIL might not think you are genuinely in need if you have the second house and your DD has what he might perceive as expensive hobbies.

ilovechristmas1 · 30/04/2015 18:25

would you think it was fare if your BIL had 4 children and recieved more in the will because of that ?? is that fare

lunar1 · 30/04/2015 18:35

You had 50% of the estate, it's not down to your bil to fund your life choices. What on earth must he think when you have a second home and are asking for his money left to him by his parents!

SouthWestmom · 30/04/2015 18:38

Maybe try to see bil's point of view? I have no idea obviously of the relationship between you all before your husband died which might affect his feelings.
His parents and brother have died, as have his (presumably close) godparents. Now he is being made to feel uncomfortable by his sil and not welcome unless he gives cash to her. All while she has assets she won't use to make her life easier.

PtolemysNeedle · 30/04/2015 18:41

OP, there are clearly some posters on here that can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to life without your husband or to carry the pain of his death around with you every minute of every day. Ignore them.

While I agree that OP shouldn't expect the BILs money, calling her greedy and especially posting 'I wish I had two houses' is just unneccesary and nasty.

londonrach · 30/04/2015 18:41

Anyone else feeling for bil. He has lost his parents, his brother all within short time. He has no one. No children. He has done right by her brothers widow making sure she gets 50% of his parents estate. Then this widow comes after his money. He sounds hurt and shocked. You no idea what he planned to do with this money or his financial situation.

Op i know you had an awful time but please whatever you do dont send that email. Just let the dbil spend time with his niece and nephew.

glenthebattleostrich · 30/04/2015 18:43

Are you getting widowed parents allowance OP? If not thats an extra £400 per month.

PtolemysNeedle · 30/04/2015 18:44

Sorry, but losing a brother and losing parents doesn't compare with losing a husband, not even a tiny bit.

molyholy · 30/04/2015 18:46

Sorry for what you have been through, but yabu. You seem to be a bit obsessed with leaving an inheritance to your children, to the detriment of your present life. You need to sell the btl. Pay off your outstanding loans and bills etc., and maybe put a lump sum away for your children if there is anything left. Forget the bil. He has no responsibility or obligation to make sure your dc's have a financially secure future. It is the here and now that is important and you are putting unnecessary stress on yourself.

ilovechristmas1 · 30/04/2015 18:47

Sorry, but losing a brother and losing parents doesn't compare with losing a husband, not even a tiny bit.

maybe for you but im sure others may see it differrently

shewept · 30/04/2015 18:50

Ptolemy I don't think London is saying it's the same. But it's still must be hard. He has lost everyone who shared his childhood, in quite a short space of time. I know when my files lost his brother he was devastated, there was no one alive who shared his childhood memories. He had known his brother his whole life and he was gone. Trying to compare doesn't work, they are 2 separate types of grief.

shewept · 30/04/2015 18:51

My fil not files

SouthWestmom · 30/04/2015 18:51

But it's not a comparison Confused
It's saying for him, life has not been great, and he's had some awful times.
That's not how it works at all - my dad died when I was very young, but people around me still got upset when their cats died.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 30/04/2015 18:51

I am so sorry for you loss OP. Apologies for not stating that earlier.

But it sounds like it was a fair split. Many wills only take into account the direct descendants rather than their offspring also. For example, what happens if a new offspring is born after the last will was made? People can't afford to update them every 5 minutes to account for these things.

I hope things improve, but as everyone else has stated, your short term fix is to sell the other house. You can then look to see what you can reinvest the remainder in after this period of struggle.

morethanpotatoprints · 30/04/2015 18:52

I am so sorry you have had so much loss to cope with in such a short space of time.
You are certainly not a failure and people who know you must be in awe of how you have coped.
Your bil is not worth bothering with and even though you promised your dh you wouldn't stop contact, he didn't know what an arse bil would likely be.
Its disgusting behaviour from your bil and just because he is under no obligation doesn't mean he shouldn't help out from time to time.
if he has offered no support whatsoever I would break all ties and tell him why.
It's not the money but the lack of acknowledgement of his godson and nephew.
I too would sell the house and pay off your mortgage/other debts and have an easier life for you and your dc. you deserve this after everything you have been through.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 30/04/2015 18:53

No persons grief is comparable to anyone else's. WE feel, what WE feel.

fancyanotherfez · 30/04/2015 18:54

Your children surely will have a financial cushion eventually, as they will inherit from the brother if he still doesnt have children when he dies. They will also get your house. That's more than most people. If the brother does have children later, then its not fair on them that he has given their inheritance to you.

I love Christmas Its terrible to lose your parents at any time, but you kind of expect them to go before you. That's the way of things.

Vycount · 30/04/2015 18:55

Op, you are ignoring a lot of questions, people are trying to be reasonable and give good advice, but I think you've made up your mind to carry on.
It's ridiculous to carry on with overdrafts and loans, wasting money spent on interest, when you could sell a spare property and potentially clear the lot.
While I sympathise for the loss of your husband, it can't define you. You need to stop making yourself a victim here and use the assets that you are lucky enough to have in your possession.

londonrach · 30/04/2015 18:56

Sorry ptolemyls. The death of my sister and my mother and father would kill me. (please god please dont let them die) I have a dh i love but my sisters death would be the worse pain ever. How dare you compare one death pain to another!!!!! I lost both my grandparents within 4 days and it almost killed my mother. Seeing her pain was awful. I love my parents, my sister and my dh!!!! All mean more than anything to me but my sister is the one person, the one person i will die for!!!!! Ive known her since birth. She been through every part of my childhood. I may argue with her and disagree with her but i love her more than my life! I know she feels the same. The bil has lost three very close family members!!!

Vycount · 30/04/2015 18:58

Is it really fair to start arguing on Op's thread and derail it?

ihavenonameonhere · 30/04/2015 18:59

Do you own or part own your house? Surely in your case you would be better off selling the other house and paying down the mortgage on this and settling all debt etc. you will have your house as the investment.

londonrach · 30/04/2015 19:01

Sorry vycount. Just thought people should see it from bil postition. I think op should sell second house, deal with debts and pay mortgage or some of mortgage off...and allow bil access to the only family he has left withiut conditions...

Swipe left for the next trending thread