It's not in the will but...

[JillCrewe]

... this is doing my head in. I think I am bu....here goes.
I am a widow with 3 young DC, and both my parents died before and shortly after DH. His mother died days before he did; his dad died long ago. So DD, the eldest (DS was a baby) had all this death and visits to hospital and caring for terminally ill people to endure.
I am broke in cash terms, living in small terraced house working pt. I invested the money late DH inherited in another similar little house which I rent out; I want my children to inherit something. I don't really see this as my money. So to many people I am probably rich tho' I do have lots of loans to pay.
The bit I cannot cope with is my BIL, who has no children and no living relatives apart from my children. He refuses to help me out in any way whatsoever, and now lives a comfortable semi-retired life, benefitting also from a huge inheritance from a childless godparent. Think 4 bed executive home, new car, lots of foreign holidays a year, new kitchen, garden relandscaped etc.
Just 2% of the inheritance from his parents, my DC's Grandparents, would lift me out of my overdrafts (not the mortgage and loan) and help see me through to when my son starts school and I can increase my work hours. I am permanently exhausted, pay over half my salary on childcare, and am trying to survive financially on less than one quarter of our income when DH was alive.
DD was very traumatised; I try so hard to keep her spirits up. She has loves riding, and so that it was she does, but none of these things are cheap.
I know I should not expect BIL to feel under any obligation to support his late brother's family. But he takes no interest in the children (also his godchildren) and their ups and downs, and further has told me categorically never to expect help from him. Yet he expects to see them each school holiday and I promised dying DH that I would not alienate the children from his brother.
We didn't see him last holidays because in reply to his suggestion that it was time to meet, telling us how LUCKY we are, I told him we didn't have luck and we are broke and luck would be some financial assistance. He hasn't contacted us again.
I feel such a failure. But I can't get out of my head that morally he should help us, because he can. I'm not asking for his hard earned cash. Just some recognition that my children did not have any provision in the will and he has the power to change that. So please tell me I have no right to expect financial support from him, and the notion of more wealthy family members helping out poorer ones died 100 years ago.
I never treat myself, no hair cuts, no alcohol, everything goes on the children. I was even given a bottle of wine by someone I had helped, and guess what, I gave it to him as a birthday present when we last met. There's so much more horribleness, from him, but right now I am stuck with the promise I made DH and the sheer falseness of the situation.
Did you really read all that?!?

Daisy, I've not mentioned selling the house, and I'm asking about a mortage for a different reason.

So climb down off your high horse, there's a good girl.

Jill , if you don't have a mortgage on the Btl, I would look into releasing some equity via a mortgage to help you out short term. You can get btl mortgages which only take into account the rental income if you don't have a salary.

I'd also look at clearing the debts.
Uni fees are not an issue. For anyone. Loans are the best financial choice.
Leaving one house to your children is great and more than many could do.
care homes for you could eat up any inheritance no matter how mnay houses you own

And I do not say this to hurt. But living in the here and now is so important, even more so when one has experience the losses you have. It can all end so suddenly.

This sort of thread should be read by those writing wills.

I know two people who lived in pretty grinding poverty as children, but who had substantial assets locked up in trusts for when they turned 18/21/25. That money would have benefitted them far more providing them with opportunities aged 15, or in one case funding them doing A Levels rather than having to leave school and get a job, than giving them the price of a decent car in their mid-twenties.

You can't get your childhood back. It's crazy to keep assets for the future if you can't properly provide for your children now.

Interestingly I didn't make my comment to you personally slithy yet you have chosen to be patronising. It was the sum total of people repeating the same thing and in some cases being unkind to someone who sounds vulnerable It just hit a nerve at how vulnerable I felt at a similar point in my life. So in summary no offence was intended sorry.

If you get a bit more income without selling the house it would be better. I'd only sell the house as a last resort.

Like others have said, equity release, checking you are getting all your tax credits etc, working another day? You can afford riding lessons and you wear secondhand clothes. Myself and most of my friends wear secondhand clothes cuz we either have high rents or big mortgages to pay. It's hard but please start thinking of some new solutions to your financial problems.

Jill I have access to financial advice through work. If I can help you are welcome to email me no pressure. Just to get further alternative ideas.

Well done Jill, you've taken the fairly harsh criticism well (including from me). Now you need to look after yourself, sell the house, make life easier for yourself and the children x

Far better to have paid off your mortgage and then bought the BTL property with a mortgage. In that way your mortgage payments would have been deductible from the rent for tax purposes. Now, if you take out a mortgage on the BTL, it won't be deductible (as you didn't take it out to be able to buy it), and you'd pay higher rate of interest because it's a BTL.

Good grief, people have been harsh. It is very glib to just declaim "Sell the House". We don't know the scale of the finances involved. The house might be worth £100,000 perhaps, and the OP'S cash flow problems might only be a few hundred a month. Selling a massive asset just to make up a small shortfall of cash flow would be daft. The equity would drain away over time (even in these deflationary times).

As the OP hasn't given us the detail of the numbers involved I think all the posters piling in to say SELL are giving poor advice.

You don't need to leave your children anything, and thay certainly shouldn't be your priority at a time when you need to be repaying debt. BIL owes you nothing, and you are being unfair in asking him for it.

• sorry for your losses, OP

• but, sorry, YABVU

• were it not for your loss of family and DH, you would be flamed!

*. You have the extreme good fortune to have a second investment property which you can sell. There is no credit for hair shirt wearing of an annual hair cut when you are sitting on assets.

When I first (mis)read the OP, I thought youhad received nothing from PIL, and that BIL had received everything!- hence wanting some of his inheritance. I hadn't realised you already have 50% but want more

Jill. . If worried if giving too much information away report the whole post to mnhq and explain way. Sounds like you posting has helped you alot. Hugs xxxx

there are 214 messages Polyethyl where most people have said sell the BLT based on the details given....

we cannot advise on things we dont know, and give the best advise in the situation.

It makes NO sodding difference if the asset will get eaten up in normal leaving, its better for all concerned to have some kind of life thats not with a parent stressing their life away not being able to eat, or do normal things...

*living

OP - you need to cope today, not X number of years down the line. Simple rule of debt management is to pay off the costliest debts first. If you are struggling day to day now, what about if the tenants move out of the other house and you have to take over the council tax, etc? That could tip you over the edge.

Sell the other house, clear your debts, enjoy life with your children instead of struggling, take a holiday and save/invest the rest in ISA's, for example for you and your children.

Stop being so hard on yourself and take some pressure off.

Greedy? turn the question around - I assume you'd be right behind me if I was posting about how a greedy relative was hinting that I might want to help out her kids quality of life, but no way would I help etc?
The shortfall is only a hundred a month, if that. That's why when DS youngest starts school I will be working longer hours or getting a second job, but right now it doesn't stack up financially to do so. And the reason is because I do support my DCs with their activities, clubs and classes. The OP questionned BILs definition of LUCK - I told him that DCs 'luck' has a cost, and that my definition of luck is having money that I hadn't earn't (like a lottery win) coming in. Luck isn't bereavement. I don't feel entitled to my inheritance because I didn't earn it, for some reason I see it as something from DH to DCs and maybe that is my big mental block.
I would never ever contemplate asking BIL to support me, I'm not that hypocritical, but I'm clearly deluded in thinking that the DC might be worth investing in.

You don't need a fairy godmother, you just need to be more realistic. You want it all without any changes. It's lovely to work part time but it's a luxury you just can't afford if you won't sell the second property. Your children don't need hundreds of activities, they need the bills paying first.

OP, YABU. My brother is quite wealthy and until recently was childless while I had children and was poor. It wouldn't for a moment have occurred to me that I should have been left more money than him. I expected us to be treated equitably. There's also the consideration that your BIL may well be intending to leave his wealth to your children too. He may well be of the opinion that you do not make good financial decisions and he would prefer to hang onto the cash until the children inherit.

You have been through a terrible time for which you have my sympathy, but you are in a very fortunate position and have lots of options open to you. You don't seem to be able to see the positives in your situation. Leaving aside the death of your husband (which I'm sure will hurt for a very long time) you seem to dwell a lot on the past and on injustices towards you. On the plus side you have healthy children, you have assets, you have a job. Have you had or considered any form of counselling? You just seem to be very down about everything and are focusing those negative feelings on resenting your brother in law.

Sorry, but it's not your BILs responsibility to pay for your hair cuts or bottles of wine.

but the questions have been asked and answered, you had 50% of the inheritance, for you to use to support the children, and he had 50% for what he needs

its not fair to ask him to provide for his brothers DC when there is money there to provide for them...... The inheritance is to make your life easier, not to be hoarded for whens and ifs

You chose to have 3 children. Your BIL chose instead to have a nice home, new car, foreign holidays and a landscaped garden. The distribution of inheritance sounds very fair..stop being so resentful, re-prioritise and move forward.

You have been through a terrible time for which you have my sympathy, but you are in a very fortunate position and have lots of options open to you. You don't seem to be able to see the positives in your situation.

Are you serious?? I don't think that vast majority of (normal) people would be feeling very "positive about the situation" if they lost their DH and BOTH their parents in a short time.

Incidentally I live in a rented house and have done for 10 years. We have an understanding that if anything happens to him it will be sold to support his family.

It's one of the things you're prepared for if you rent. Your tenants can find somewhere else. You have no moral responsibility to them, they could move out tomorrow and give you a months notice. You need to sell up.

Even if you just leave your children the terraced house you live in then that will mean they inherit more than enough to put down a substantial deposit on their own home.

You mentioned you have a sister OP
Why wasn't she helping you after your DH passed away? You don't seem to be angry at her not helping you out.