It's not in the will but...

[JillCrewe]

... this is doing my head in. I think I am bu....here goes.
I am a widow with 3 young DC, and both my parents died before and shortly after DH. His mother died days before he did; his dad died long ago. So DD, the eldest (DS was a baby) had all this death and visits to hospital and caring for terminally ill people to endure.
I am broke in cash terms, living in small terraced house working pt. I invested the money late DH inherited in another similar little house which I rent out; I want my children to inherit something. I don't really see this as my money. So to many people I am probably rich tho' I do have lots of loans to pay.
The bit I cannot cope with is my BIL, who has no children and no living relatives apart from my children. He refuses to help me out in any way whatsoever, and now lives a comfortable semi-retired life, benefitting also from a huge inheritance from a childless godparent. Think 4 bed executive home, new car, lots of foreign holidays a year, new kitchen, garden relandscaped etc.
Just 2% of the inheritance from his parents, my DC's Grandparents, would lift me out of my overdrafts (not the mortgage and loan) and help see me through to when my son starts school and I can increase my work hours. I am permanently exhausted, pay over half my salary on childcare, and am trying to survive financially on less than one quarter of our income when DH was alive.
DD was very traumatised; I try so hard to keep her spirits up. She has loves riding, and so that it was she does, but none of these things are cheap.
I know I should not expect BIL to feel under any obligation to support his late brother's family. But he takes no interest in the children (also his godchildren) and their ups and downs, and further has told me categorically never to expect help from him. Yet he expects to see them each school holiday and I promised dying DH that I would not alienate the children from his brother.
We didn't see him last holidays because in reply to his suggestion that it was time to meet, telling us how LUCKY we are, I told him we didn't have luck and we are broke and luck would be some financial assistance. He hasn't contacted us again.
I feel such a failure. But I can't get out of my head that morally he should help us, because he can. I'm not asking for his hard earned cash. Just some recognition that my children did not have any provision in the will and he has the power to change that. So please tell me I have no right to expect financial support from him, and the notion of more wealthy family members helping out poorer ones died 100 years ago.
I never treat myself, no hair cuts, no alcohol, everything goes on the children. I was even given a bottle of wine by someone I had helped, and guess what, I gave it to him as a birthday present when we last met. There's so much more horribleness, from him, but right now I am stuck with the promise I made DH and the sheer falseness of the situation.
Did you really read all that?!?

PLEASE READ WHAT CATSMOTHER HAS SAID.
She has put it very very well, you deserve sympathy love support and respect but Yabu.
(It is the novel on page 5)

Anyway, the money is yours to help raise your children. I wonder what your DH would say about you flogging yourself rather than sell the house.

Not sure what this means executor to the will he wasn't going to let me have anything directly and approached my brother, behind my back, to ask him to administer my part

Your BIL approached your brother? Why? Executor of whose will?

I've just realised you have a brother too, OP. Have you asked him for help with his DN? He is their uncle just as much as BIL is, so surely you want him to help as well

Shwept I think there is a difference between the OP choosing to put it in trust or invest it for the DC, and being told to put it into trust and involving her brother to make sure it's done.

Personally I would feel pretty insulted to be told what to do with an inheritance from my DH. I may well choose to do that anyway but I would not appreciate the interference or the assumption that I can't make the best decision for my family.

The OP doesn't seem to see herself as having any entitlement to that money. I really worry that she has been guilted or browbeaten into feeling that way. The majority of posters on here see that cashing in the investment, clearing any debts, paying off the last mortgage on their own home, and giving them some breathing space for a few years until OP can go back to work ft, would greatly benefit her family immediately. I fully agree that this would be the best solution and frankly should be seen as a much better investment option for them.

OP, my heart goes out to you. Please read what catsmother said. She has taken the time to address all your points with wisdom and compassion. I think in your position I would heed her advice.

OP did you actually inherit any money at all ?

I've re-read your OP and you say you invested your DH's inheritance from his mother into a second house, and you have done this to benefit the DC.

You said your brother was brought in to administrate this.

You don't ever refer to this money as yours. Did it ever actually get inherited by you alone ? Or have you had a trust situation for the DC forced onto you by BIL and your brother ?

You needs to sell the BTL.

You are only working PT, are skint, in debt and playing for things like riding lessons which you cannot afford right now.

Crippling yourself with debt and exhausting yourself to leave something for many many years from now is not sensible.

There will be time when you are back on your feet to save for DC.

I don't completely understand the whole situation but:

Your children's godfather refuses to help you out and that is sad but there isn't much you can do about it.

You have some debts (I am assuming on a higher rate than a mortgage would be) and a rental house that you own outright? And do you own your own house outright?

What I would suggest is that:
If you own your own house outright and you have enough wages to get a small mortgage you do this BUT you may be able to count this as a mortgage for the purposes of your rental business and you would then not pay tax on the interest on that. You could even get an interest only mortgage on your house. That will be a much cheaper way of paying off your debts as the interest will be lower.

If you do not own your own house outright or your wages are not enough, but you do own the rental house outright, I would take out a small mortgage on that rental house (or increase it a little if you already have a small mortgage on it). The interest will be higher than on your own house but lower than your current debts. And again you won't pay tax on the interest and the rate will be lower than your debts.

I wouldn't recommend mortgaging anything like the value of the houses but if you owe say £5,000 or even £10,000 this will help you with the repayments.

Personally I would feel pretty insulted to be told what to do with an inheritance from my DH

Technically she didn't inherit it from dh. His mother died a few days before him. So 50% of the OPs pils estate went to her. The bil as executor , felt it should go direct to the kids, op thinks its should be kept for the kids. So they both felt the same, but the OP feels bil should then give some of his 50% to her too. I am interested to know why, if bil is a self serving as we have been led to believe, he felt it should go straight to the children. He felt strongly enough to approach his brother shortly before he died. Either bil doesn't trust the OP or they have had problems in the past she isn't saying.

Personally I think the dh with it being his part of his parents estate would bot want the OP struggling which is why he denied his brothers request. This is how I have understood it.

She got a small insurance payout when her dh passed.

At this point the advise is diluted and weaker.

Sorry what I mean its not technically inherited from dh, is that he never had the money as he passed before.

The OP earlier stated that pils estate was split 50:50 between bil and her (since dh had unfortunately passed as well). She also said she decided to buy the buy to let house so she could leave the kids a good inheritance.

Bil approached the OP's brother is what it sounds like but she could have written it in error.

he and her brother might have been the executors of her husband's estate .

So sorry for your losses OP. You really have had a horrendous time.

Sorry but I do think YABU. Your DH/You received the same amount as your BIL. You can't really complain that his goes on 1 person and yours between 3. You have children and he doesn't, it's just the way it is.

You were married, therefore the money is yours, not your children's. It's great to want to set them up when they are older but it's just not practical when you really need the money. If the rent your are getting isn't covering what you need it to then you need to consider selling. Could you put a small amount away for your children and keep the rest?

You cannot go to your BIL and you should not expect him to give you anything and you would be really really cheeky to email him and ask him. If he wanted to help, he would have done by now. Ultimately it is his money fair and square so you or your children really have no claim to it.

I think you've been given very sound advice from catsmother.

Given your succession of tragic losses, I completely understand why you want to protect a potential inheritance for your DC. However, you cannot safeguard their future at the expense of the present. You have no idea what the future may hold and you may need that money e.g. paying for care as you get older. What if, god forbid, you were unwell and couldn't work at all?

I hope you are able to take the advice you've been given on board.

Jillcrewe I cant have children, according to your theory when my parents die, I shouldnt get as much money as my sister who has children, despite the fact they were equally my parents, Im sorry but I dont think you understand just how horrible it is to realise someone has that opinion. Your poor Bil who is supposed to support his brothers children, despite the inheritance being split in half just be because he either cant have children, doesnt want them or has never had the opportunity to have them. Stop concentrating on his money and sort your own out, and dont use emotional blackmail involving your children to try and get money out of him either. If you really wanted the best for them you wouldnt be jepodising their relationship with him over money you have no claim on

"BIL has no moral obligation to help me, the split was 50:50 from his parental side. But his share goes on 1 person and mine on 3 people."

I assume this was because the mother's estate was split between the two sons, and your DH's portion came to you. It is unfortunate that the mother did not make further arrangements to bequeath a portion to her grandchildren, but many people do not. Neither of my paternal grandparents did.

I am afraid I really do not see why you would expect your BiL to give you any of his portion of the inheritance.

If half the mother's estate came to your DH, upon his passing, you would directly inherit his entire estate as his wife outside of probate, thus inheriting his portion of his mother's estate. I presume the only way this would not occur is if your DH altered his will to leave the money to his children; otherwise, everything is yours. Full stop.

However, I am unsure where your brother fits into this, nor what he has to do with any administration of anyone's will. Are you saying that your BiL was your DH's executor or his mother's executor, or both? If the mother died first, then your DH's portion passes into his estate, which would then be administered to you by his executor, surely?

That you say your BiL wasn't going to allow you to have anything "directly" makes me think something peculiar may have occurred. If he was the executor to his mother's estate, he had to administer the bequest to his brother as his brother was still living at that point. When his brother (your DH) then passed, it is up to the executor of your DH's estate, who ever that was, to administer his estate directly to you outside of probate.

She wept ... Technically she didn't inherit it from dh. His mother died a few days before him. So 50% of the OPs pils estate went to her. The bil as executor , felt it should go direct to the kids, op thinks its should be kept for the kids.

Surely, she did technically inherit from her DH. That inheritance was owed to her DH's estate when he died and when he did, she, as his wife, inherits everything. It is her money to do with as she pleases, unless her DH made a provision in his will for that portion of money to be inherited by his children.

An executor cannot go telling people how to spend their inheritance or who it should be given to. He cannot tell the op that the parental inheritance should be kept for the children, unless it specifically says so in DH's will and he is DH's executor.

You see the inheritance as belonging to the kids. You also have to see bils inheritance as belonging to him.

Now you have to cope with the money you have. Surely there is some profit from the btl? This needs to be used for the childrens day to day living. Or you need to sell the rental house to provide for the kids in the present. It is for the kids benefit - to maintain them when their father no longer can.

My parents have in their will that everything is split 50/50 between me and my sister, or in the event of our deaths then our children, so yes you can bypass the dil or sil.

you posted only looking for confirmation that your BIL is being unreasonable, you don't want to hear anything else

You already have lots of good advice here, OP, but re. your BIL, even we all tell you he is wrong, that will not change your situation one iota.

I preferred to live for the day when my dd was small. Not foolishly, mind you, but we were able to give ourselves quite a few treats and she seems to have good memories of her childhood.

Childhood is such a short space of time in a lifetime, but every year as a child is like five years as an adult. Why make them miss out on the pleasures of a happy childhood so that they can inherit something when they are older?

works I posted that in response to people saying the money was nothing to do with the uncle. I was saying that the money was originally the parents and bil felt so strongly the the money should bypass op, he approached his brother to speak to him. Which in my opinion is a big deal.

Yes the money came to her because of her dh, but what I was trying to say it was what he himself personally had left her. Because he never actually saw it. The money came direct from pills estate to the op. She got her share because she was married to him, but it's not something he had physical possession of.

I have prepared many people's wills and acted in many probates and in many of them there are adult children with different numbers of children - or sometimes none.

And while there may be a small gift to grandchildren the bulk has always gone equally to each child of the testator so that in the long run GCs with more siblings get less than GCs with fewer - we call it per stirpes in the law. It's also what happens if there is no will.

And I hve never heard anyone suggest that it is not fair or that the child with none should give to the child with many. Not till now.

YABU.

OP tabu. Your bils inheritance is his as yours is yours. how you spend yours is your problem not that your bill won't help.

I do understand it is hard to see BIL with no dependants living very comfortably OP.

But whilst he doesn't have the responsibility and financial burden of dependants, he also doesn't have the wonderful things that come with having children - he likely won't have children, or grandchildren. Whereas you will and your children/grandchildren will be there for you to enjoy (and maybe be looked after by them!) for decades to come.

He could end up on his old as an elderly man. He may have that in mind and need to save his money to pay for his care!

*on his OWN as an elderly man.