It's not in the will but...

[JillCrewe]

... this is doing my head in. I think I am bu....here goes.
I am a widow with 3 young DC, and both my parents died before and shortly after DH. His mother died days before he did; his dad died long ago. So DD, the eldest (DS was a baby) had all this death and visits to hospital and caring for terminally ill people to endure.
I am broke in cash terms, living in small terraced house working pt. I invested the money late DH inherited in another similar little house which I rent out; I want my children to inherit something. I don't really see this as my money. So to many people I am probably rich tho' I do have lots of loans to pay.
The bit I cannot cope with is my BIL, who has no children and no living relatives apart from my children. He refuses to help me out in any way whatsoever, and now lives a comfortable semi-retired life, benefitting also from a huge inheritance from a childless godparent. Think 4 bed executive home, new car, lots of foreign holidays a year, new kitchen, garden relandscaped etc.
Just 2% of the inheritance from his parents, my DC's Grandparents, would lift me out of my overdrafts (not the mortgage and loan) and help see me through to when my son starts school and I can increase my work hours. I am permanently exhausted, pay over half my salary on childcare, and am trying to survive financially on less than one quarter of our income when DH was alive.
DD was very traumatised; I try so hard to keep her spirits up. She has loves riding, and so that it was she does, but none of these things are cheap.
I know I should not expect BIL to feel under any obligation to support his late brother's family. But he takes no interest in the children (also his godchildren) and their ups and downs, and further has told me categorically never to expect help from him. Yet he expects to see them each school holiday and I promised dying DH that I would not alienate the children from his brother.
We didn't see him last holidays because in reply to his suggestion that it was time to meet, telling us how LUCKY we are, I told him we didn't have luck and we are broke and luck would be some financial assistance. He hasn't contacted us again.
I feel such a failure. But I can't get out of my head that morally he should help us, because he can. I'm not asking for his hard earned cash. Just some recognition that my children did not have any provision in the will and he has the power to change that. So please tell me I have no right to expect financial support from him, and the notion of more wealthy family members helping out poorer ones died 100 years ago.
I never treat myself, no hair cuts, no alcohol, everything goes on the children. I was even given a bottle of wine by someone I had helped, and guess what, I gave it to him as a birthday present when we last met. There's so much more horribleness, from him, but right now I am stuck with the promise I made DH and the sheer falseness of the situation.
Did you really read all that?!?

If you email him you will only make it worse.

Look at what you can do. He has no legal responsibility towards you or your children.

The overwhelming response on here was for you to sell the other house.

You're not listening.

Don't ask him for money again.
It seems you're losing contact with him since the last time you asked.

If you sell the other house and use those funds to pay off your debt and mortgage you should then be entitled to tax credits which you won't be entitled to due to owning the second home, it would also decrease your outgoings making it easier to provide your dc with the things you want.

Sorry but yabu. It's his money to do with what he wants. You say your dd does horse riding. That's not cheap and maybe suggests you have slightly unrealistic expectations of your lifestyle given your current situation. However, there may be other ways to keep things up. For example, when I was young my dad arranged for me to help out at a stables, mucking out and grooming, in exchange for riding time. Is there anything like that you could sort out?

Are you saying he asked your dh, his brother, in the final days if his life to deny you and his kids anything from his parents estate?

I don't think you should write that email. He has made it clear he has no intention of helping you further and may have his reasons for this. But trying guilt him into it with 'But I could ask him how he would feel meeting them but knowing that he won't help them* os also blackmail.

He doesn't have to give you anything because you helped out your own family in the past. Bil is obviously different and doesn't think he should.

I've re-read your post Op.
You will be paying interest every month on those loans - that's wasted money.
Let go of this not being your money - it is your money. It came to you instead of going to your husband.
Let go of it being your children's money, and don't worry about needing to leave them something. The situation you're in now isn't good for any of you. Concentrate on a better life for all of you now.
So, depending on mortgages, sell a house. Use the money to reduce your monthly outgoings and to stop paying interest on loans. Your available spending money will increase. You will feel a lot better about life.
Enjoy your BIL for what he is - your BIL, not a Victorian-style benefactor. Let him be part of your family without guilt about not supporting you financially.

Forget about your BIL. Keep contact to times when it suits you and when he is buying lunch if needs be.

"I hate the thought of them not having any financial cushion to one day start their adult lives with; I didn't and it is so tough"

Most people don't start life with a financial cushion of large handouts and inheritances. A good education, a lack of debt finishing university, confidence and to some extent life experience [travel etc] usually open a lot more doors. Knowing the right people can also help so maybe BIL will be of some use in the future.

Unless you live in a part of the UK where you've bought a house for £50k then why wouldn't you sell the buy to let especially if you are seeing no income for it and make your life easier now.

Do you have two mortgages?

You could ask him how he would feel seeing the children when he doesn't want to give you money, but you won't come out of it well. He has already said that he won't be giving you money, and he may well have in mind that he wants to help his nieces and nephews financially somehow more directly when they are older, so you really don't know that he won't help them. You just know that he won't help you the way you want him to.

I would apologise for hinting for money when you last had contact, try and repair the relationship and move on without letting money come into it. You had your DHs share of what his parents left, you are not morally owed any more. Plenty of people choose to leave to their children and not their grandchildren, it's a very normal thing to do.

I know how hard it is to live without your husband and to have to do it all by yourself, but you are the only one in control here, and you will be better off doing what you can with your own money rather than coveting someone else's.

I think emailing him would be very cheeky.

You've already hinted in the last email that you want his financial assistance and you've not heard from him since. That should be your answer.

You are not skint.

You have a house that you simply don't want to sell. This is probably why he ignored your request for money last time.

Why do your kids need to inherit two houses? Surely they can make do with the one you're living in now when the time comes?

Surely it's best to bite your lip and wholeheartedly encourage contact between the BIL and your DC, and maybe an improved connection between them would lead to him wanting to support their interests? I agree with others that you can't tell him/guilt trip him into giving you money - just because they're his 'only living relatives' doesn't necessarily mean much. If he wanted to be more involved, he'd have done so already. Some people just aren't that interested in small children, or know how to relate to them - he may be more supportive once they're older.

Just sell the BTL house, and realise the money now you need it. I would imagine that the reason the money was willed between the two brothers, rather than bequests made to your children too, was because one brother had a family and the other didn't, and the parents wanted to be fair, and not appear to penalise the child who hadn't been as lucky, perhaps, in finding a partner to settle down with. You can't control the childless godparent's bequest - maybe your BIL has privately decided to make a similarly generous gift to his niece and nephew in the future.

So bil wanted the money go straight to the kids?

I don't see that as a bad think, as that is exactly what you did. Put the money away for them when they are adults.

If you bil wanted the money to bypass you, does he have reason to think you wouldn't make provision for the children? Does he think you don't manage money well.

It would make sense as to why he wanted the money to bypass you and is unwilling to give more.

Sorry for your losses but you are BU. Sell the rental property if your children need more money now. Emailing your BIL to guilt trip him into subsidising your family (that's how it will appear) is beyond cheeky.

I hate the thought of them not having any financial cushion to one day start their adult lives with; I didn't and it is so tough

Most people don't start off their life with an inheritance or some sort of financial cushion to help them. We work and save just like anyone else.

You being broke whilst having a house you could sell makes no sense at all.

wow just wow you want you BiL to give you money when you own outright a second home just wow the sheer greed / entitlement coming from the OP is massive.

You used your share of the PiL inhertence to buy a house and now are struggling to afford day to day living while working PT?

Rather than think of the 2 glaring obivous solutions of going FT or selling your second home you want to hit up your brother in law for a share of his inhertence as well as his inhertence from his god parents.

Even I would not give money to siblings in this case (i would if they were genrally struggling with no second home / massive assists they own outright) I might LOAN money in your case but i would expect it back otherwise you would appear to be really grabby as i bet you would not give you BiL a share of your second home when you sell it.

At the end of the day it would be nice if you BiL gave / loaned you the money buy YAB massively U to expect it from him and to go down the passive agrsive line is just beyond disgusting he has quite clearly told you he will not be helping you at the present so please stop pushing.

My money is on that he would help you out if you were skint (not just wanting to keep hold of assits that are worth alot aka second home that you indicate you own out right)

I feel horrible saying this to someone who's experienced so much loss in such a short time, but YABU.

Your BIL's money isn't anything to do with you. If you were in dire straits, he may well decide to help you out, but you're not. You have a whole other house that you can sell. And you should sell it. Your children care that you all have a good life while you're around and make plenty of memories together, not that they inherit a house after you're gone.

I'm so sorry for your loss but you are being incredibly unreasonable here and very greedy. Both you and BIL got an inheritance. You are being so greedy to demand some of his inheritance also! You bought a house with the inheritance you got so sell that and problem sorted. Sorry to be harsh but it is not your BIL's responsibility to bail you out. It'd be one thing if you were completely broke and needed help but you don't - you have property which you just don't want to sell! That is being very unfair.

You need to take his secondary inheritance out of the picture. That was not related and was from a God Parent though I'm surprised it only went to your DH's brother but presume the BIL was the only one they were God Parent too.

Provided your DH's Parents will was split evenly and you inherited everything you were meant to from your DH, then things with the BIL must have been evenly split, no?

If that is the case YABU sadly. You can't demand he helps you because he had a secondary inheritance you had no entitlement to.

YABU to expect him to give you something although he would not be unreasonable to help out his brothers widow.
If lack of money is hurting you this much you NEED to sell the other house especially since it seems money from him would make a huge change to your life. Why not money from the house? You should worry less about your children's inheritence and more about your quality of life right now.
I'm sorry you are in such a shitty place but I think you could really make a change.

You've failed to make clear how much you inherited, despite many posters asking. It seems to me that your husband will have inherited his share of his mother's estate, and you'll have inherited your husband's estate. If you have a notion that you must keep that inheritance intact so that you can pass it on to your children, you can't then complain that you're skint, because you're not. You're just choosing not to spend the money or assets that you do have.

Viviennemary: that's exactly it. I guessed at 2% to tide me over the overdrafts til September when I can work longer hours and then my wages should help with the bank loans. I would also be eligible for tax credits I think I'm not at the moment but I must check it out again. BIL has no moral obligation to help me, the split was 50:50 from his parental side. But his share goes on 1 person and mine on 3 people. So if I were in his shoes I would discuss how I could help, but from his perspective it is all fair as he does not appreciate all the expenses of having children and being totally singlehanded.
Yes, losing husband is ghastly. I feel for you guys who've been there too. There was some small life insurance which helped towards our mortgage.
Working longer hours means less time for housework and the backlog of chores and repairs. No wonder I keep crying. Hacked you have helped me. My life is too much of a mess to be real. I just can't see my 'husband's' inheritance as mine; it belongs to the children (not actually, just in my head).

Yup. Sell the house. Pay off loans and mortgage. Put anything left aside in trust for the dcs and also if you can top it up with some of the money you will save in not paying interest on loans.

As a widow, the money from your dh estate is there for you to use to make up the shortfall caused by loss of his contribution. (Sorry if that is blunt but its true). It is yours to spend on them now.

Don't email BIL. Its not nice/fair/apptopriate.

Plus in all likliehood your dc will inherit from him some day as his sole rels so they may well get that start in life from him some day. But it is his choice.

you are being greedy op

the split was fare and you do have a large asset but you dont want to cash it in but want your BIL to contribute to your income

why cant you get tax credits,do you not get a widows benefit of the state,why do you have loans,did you not clear it with the life insurance

some of the details are not very clear in your op so many of us are guessing

Op you are being very unreasonable here.

Your brother in law bears no responsibility, financial or otherwise towards you or your children.

Approaching him nicely and asking for a loan to help out for a few months would have been more appropriate. You sound very bitter.

you own your own home and another rental property. Why on earth should he help you out?

You're not his problem and you have the means to help yourself.

That aside Sorry for your loss

Am I right that you have two houses? And your BiL inherited from a god parent and has no kids so can spend his money on himself. And for no reason other than you want it - you expect him to give you some of his money?

Sorry YABU

I wish I had two houses

did you not have insurance to pay the morgage of in the house you are in if either of you passed away??

i dont understand how you have debt to be honest