Great thread - so many valuable points raised. Sorry I haven't been able to refernce these indivually, I can only read the forum in an irregular binge so can't comment little and often.
I hate appeasement behaviour in either sex. We can decide to put others needs first without it being appeasement and out of fear, nor from being martyrs, nor from low esteem, and in healthy relationships we should expect to have this returned.
I feel for anyone male or female who feels the need to give in for a quiet life - whether it is because they have been raised to expect nothing better or whether they have ended up with a partner whose expectations/ demands/ responses mean they fear the repercussions, or in fact where people appease because their childhood/ adult experiences shaped them that way and in fact their current partner does not want/ need to be appeased; because giving in for a quiet life robs both partners of the chance for a genuinely happy compromise and/ or the chance to be heard and valued. Appeasing behaviour offends me hugely.
I think it does not reflect well on women/ feminists if we cannot say that men can be affected by dominating behaviour and lead unhappy lives, and spare a moment to empathise. This thread may be discussing attitudes on a more societal level where certain attitudes toward women are endemic, but individual experience does count. As others have said it is perhaps the issue of domination that is the greater issue/ evil.
I find it so sad and frustrating that it is still common for many men to use the "wife will give me grief" excuse to other men. Either because they are selfish bastards who believe this is an acceptable atitude to have about their wives, or because they are not able to stand up and show that actually they do respect their wives as equal partners in case their "mates" say they are under the thumb. Argh.
As to the original AIBU - maybe it is just a matter of statistics; given that in historical terms sexism is still only newly discussed at a societal level and is only slowly improving, I guess there just aren't that many men around who are completely free of ingrained poor attitudes toward women.
So realistically, most women are going to have to settle for a man who will have some behaviours/ ideas that need challenging. This doesn't make it OK to accept really bad behaviour, but it is always going to be hard on individuals to constantly fight against it - sometimes too hard and so people don't find the strength and so appease. The result is unhappiness and inequality and an opportunity for improvement and therefore benefit for the individual and for society is lost. It is truly sad.
It is also sad that if my idea about statistics is right, that to avoid any 'fighting for change' in their everyday lives that many women feel they must choose a less than ideal husband/ partner or none at all. Clearly there are just not enough 'untainted' men to go round.
I totally agree that many women are far from 'ideal' too in terms of what I consider to be fair and humane treatment of others. I have often moaned and been incredulous that a fair amount of women I have known have men who will bend over backwards for them when the women are selfish bitches who aren't at all appreciative, when I am having trouble finding a man who will be fair to me. Yet, equally I couldn't have a relationship with a man who would appease/ be so submissive in this way - I want the elusive middle ground.
Humankind is so far from a fair utopia, that men (and women) who can deliver truly fair and equal, healthy, democratic behaviour in relationships are sadly I think in the minority.