AIBU - husband piss taker?

[dopeydee]

Hi everybody

Need some suggestions & advice. I am newly married with a beautiful 9mth old baby boy. I returned to work full time in January and love my job. That's the good stuff.

I also have a lot of extras;

1. my husband is banned from driving, so I pick him up after I get the baby from nursery everyday, take him to the pub, I also have 2 step children, toddler & teenager who I do half the lifts for (mums do other half)
2. we have the toddler one weeknight & Saturday morning through to Sunday recently this has been extended to 4pm (the teenager intermittently as it fits in with his social life)
3. I do all the clothes washing, cooking ( often ready meals) and cleaning to a basic standard
4. we bought a house which needed complete renovation and since I have returned to work we can afford to finish renovations, this all falls to me to plan and do/arrange or nothing gets done

After all of this I have no spare time and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. To top it off my husband has remarked that I don't cook enough good meals and I am doing the renovations all wrong!!

The obvious things to do would be get some help from my husband, not forthcoming - lots of rows, or work part time but I love my job. The awful thing is that as I read this back I think leave him- in one fell swoop I remove most of the issues.

Has anyone got any advice? Similar situations? Should I issue an ultimatum? Just accept it?

Have you asked him to do more? Does he go to their every night? When does he spend time with the baby?

I have an 8 month old baby and still on maternity leave. My husband works full time but still does all the cooking as I do my share of housework through the day. You should be doing 50-50 housework/ caring for the baby if you're both working. If he refuses then he's an idiot.

No idea what to suggest but you seemed to answer your own questions when you said if you remove him from the question it wipes out all your problems. What does he contribute in terms of supporting you; does he do any chores or cooking? Can you have an adult conversation to explain just how you want him to help, or would that cause more issues?

It sounds a difficult home life for you all. Why on earth are you taking him to the pub? Can he not walk/get the bus? He expects lifts to the pub and a freshly-cooked meal each evening from a woman with a 9 month old and a full-time job? Tell him he wants to come and spend a few weeks living here; if DH didn't cook we'd all starve to death or get scurvy from all the jam sandwiches.

So is he going to the pub every evening, and is he dependent on you to take and collect him? That's one thing that has to stop. If he wants to go to the pub, he can get himself there. And am I right in thinking you're his third wife/partner?

Is it worth suggesting anything like marriage counselling? It seems to me the only thing that might just make him realise this can't continue is someone independent telling him so. But otherwise, I'm afraid I can't see any alternative to leaving him. The only thing you seem to be getting out of this relationship is a ridiculous amount of work. Take all the work caused by the toddler, the teenager and the overgrown manchild out of the equation and you would certainly save yourself a nervous breakdown.

You drive him to the pub, every day?? Seriously?

Erm...

Step one - stop the lifts to the pub

What's the reason for the driving ban?

What does your DH do?

If you come on and say he works 70 hours a week as an ambulance paramedic/firefighter I may have some sympathy for how hard he works. (Obviously you are doing way too much too)

But if he's got some wanky office job where he sits on his arse drinking coffee and reading a spreadsheet I'd say he's a fucking waste of space and dump him.

take him to the pub
And leave him there. Forever.

You work all day, pick your baby up from nursery and then drive him to the pub!!

Please tell me he works in the pub....

Jean I bet I can guess...

Wanky office workers are spitting their coffee out across the country

Stop taking him to the pub!

Me too Tante but keeping an open mind...

...and you look after his other children??? What the hell does he do?

I do wanky office work monkey, I don't pretend it's anything like as hard as the OPs list is though - bet her DH does

He's a total waste of space, isn't he?

What do you get out of the relationship?

Sorry, mistake in the way I've phrased that! When he goes to the pub, maybe once a fortnight I take him. If I ask him to get a taxi he will call me selfish or alternatively butter me up until I give in out of exasperation or we will row and I ruin my own evening.

I have spoken to him about it, and more recently shouted to him about it. It's like talking to a brick wall. I have suggested counselling, that has resulted in me having telephone sessions by myself. Afterwards I tried to talk to him about my feelings and being valued in a relationship, but he just mocked how many times I said the word "feelings" and dismissed it as mumbo jumbo.

I am his third partner, first wife though. To be balanced I should say that he is a good father to all three of the boys and a hard worker. Just a bit of a rubbish husband unfortunately.

He sounds like a complete arse with no respect for you at all.

And no, he's not a good father if he speaks to your son's mother - you - like that. Do you want your son to grow up thinking this kind of treatment of women is normal?

Jesus. Why do women put up with men like this? It's very sad.

Sorry but he isn't a good father if he won't cook for or look after his children and if he models this kind of behaviour (piss-taking, mocking, dismissive, disrespectful) to them.

Rather than talking about feelings if it riles him so much, the precious flower , maybe list all the things you do versus all the things he doesn't do does and point out to him how they match – or how they don't.

Drink driving I'm afraid. He is a Quantity Surveyor on a stressful project that is over budget and over schedule. Works 8.30 - 5.30.

I don't want to leave him really, I do love him ( I'm also massively resenting him right now).

Chipped . Have to agree. So you are looking after your children and his children too? And he does what childcare exactly? For the children he has chosen to bring in to this world?

He isn't a good father. You haven't mentioned one thing he does for his children. I suspect he does the fun stuff. Not the cooking, cleaning, washing, organising stuff...

So he thinks you should go part time so that you can cover the work he should be doing around the house and for his children. right ho. As a pp said what exactly are you getting out of this relationship. What is he bringing to the party?

I don't understand why you are still with him. He sounds awful. Sorry!

Why, exactly, did you marry this charmer?

"Works 8.30 - 5.30." And how long do you work, when you include all the running around you do and the cooking and the cleaning? Really 8:30 - 5:30 is pretty standard.