AIBU - husband piss taker?

[dopeydee]

Hi everybody

Need some suggestions & advice. I am newly married with a beautiful 9mth old baby boy. I returned to work full time in January and love my job. That's the good stuff.

I also have a lot of extras;

1. my husband is banned from driving, so I pick him up after I get the baby from nursery everyday, take him to the pub, I also have 2 step children, toddler & teenager who I do half the lifts for (mums do other half)
2. we have the toddler one weeknight & Saturday morning through to Sunday recently this has been extended to 4pm (the teenager intermittently as it fits in with his social life)
3. I do all the clothes washing, cooking ( often ready meals) and cleaning to a basic standard
4. we bought a house which needed complete renovation and since I have returned to work we can afford to finish renovations, this all falls to me to plan and do/arrange or nothing gets done

After all of this I have no spare time and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. To top it off my husband has remarked that I don't cook enough good meals and I am doing the renovations all wrong!!

The obvious things to do would be get some help from my husband, not forthcoming - lots of rows, or work part time but I love my job. The awful thing is that as I read this back I think leave him- in one fell swoop I remove most of the issues.

Has anyone got any advice? Similar situations? Should I issue an ultimatum? Just accept it?

If I ask him to get a taxi he will call me selfish or alternatively butter me up until I give in out of exasperation or we will row and I ruin my own evening.

Just this bit alone - why would you stay with someone like this??

I have spoken to him about it, and more recently shouted to him about it. It's like talking to a brick wall.

He can hear you, he just doesn't care. He knows that the relationship is on its last legs, it's just that it suits him to string it out for as long as possible.

HE IS NOT A GOOD FATHER!!

What would he say if you told him to fuck off and find his own way to the pub or find his own way to pick up his own children?

For a moment I hoped he worked in the pub! Glad to see the update that it is an infrequent visit.

Anyone I would share my life with would have to respect me a hell of a lot better than your DH does to be honest. That's what it boils down to.

I read that he believes you don't drive him enough, that the renovations are wrong, that you're not feeding him properly and I think FUCK OFF

Glad you have tried counselling, I'm sorry he wouldn't take it. You've given him every opportunity to grow with you, build a better relationship and be a decent family. What more can you do?!

Jean bingo!

What - he wants you to go part time so you can concentrate on making proper meals and driving round after him and his other kids

Really

Get him on here - I think he needs sorting out

Why I married him... well before I took on the "wife role" life was pretty good. We used to cook together or take it in turns and do themed evenings, we made each other laugh and have private jokes and text each other stupid pictures. Now we are just too exhausted/ arguing about everything.

I know I sound like a push over, but I'm really not. I have skimmed the rows and shouting, the numerous conversations about this.

You either tell him to fuck off or you accept that you will spend the rest of your life slaveing for a thoughtless piece of shit.

Why did he split with the mother of your stepkids? I can guess

Print out this thread and give it to him to read in the pub.

His first partner cheated on him and his second only revealed she was pregnant as he was breaking things off (she told him she was taking contraception), he thought long and hard about staying with her.

He does do the "fun" bit, but he makes their breakfasts & lunch and baths them occasionally and I go back to bed for an hour or two on a Sunday.

Thank you, there are some really good messages on here that have made it clearer to me. Going to have a re-read of them in preparation for a conversation tonight!! Wish me luck xxx

'or we will row and I will ruin my own evening'

....err, no. That is still him ruining your evening, if he escalates a reasonable situation where you aren't being rude/aggressive etc into a row, in order to control you, then it is emotional blackmail and not your fault that he gets shirty.

Why do women insist their useless man is a good father but a bad husband? You can't be a good father when you treat your childrens mother like a servant. This man is clearly neither.
Can't imagine what you were thinking marrying this waste of space. Time for a rethink on that?

Ahh yes the old "she tricked me guv".

It is not a coincidence that this ramped up when you had a child/got married. He has views about who should be doing what about the house and whose needs come first. Clue: it isn't your needs or his children's.

Just leave him. I read your OP and was horrified at how little your DP does. I'm a SAHM and my DH does more than that! It sounds like your DP has no respect for you at all. You'd have a much easier life without him too.

He is responsive for his driving ban. It's not a reasonable response for you to bear the burden of that by being his taxi - not just to the pub but in general life and re his other children as well.

It's HIS punishment - but you're the one whose paying for his crime.

It's symptomatic of his wider attitude which is highly egotistical.

The fact that you resolve your issues by leaving is VERY telling.

He's (third hand used) tatty baggage - who acting like he's a Hermes Birkin ie something to put down rather than something your proud to carry.

he doesnt sound like he is pulling his weight really - and not giving you the support while you are running around after his children....

rather than a straight LTB, just have a look at what you are getting from him and if its a very short list, kick him to the kerb

if he has redeeming features and 'can be saved' then speak with him, maybe even show him this thread? he's not being fair from what you have written

Looks like you are finding out why he has one child in each relationship and then it all goes wrong.

Oh LTB, really. Life would be much simpler. He sounds like a complete arse. And he has the cheek to complain about your food? He'd be getting the food on his head and not cooked for anymore.

Read it back OP and think about what advice you would give.

so you are the third 'babymother' of his?
I do wonder what the others would say.

Think about it.

You work full time.
You have a baby and two step children who you look after.
You do the washing, cooking and cleaning. You are organising the house renovation.
You drive him back and forth to the pub because he's banned for drink driving.

He has the nerve to comment on your cooking.

What on earth does he bring to the relationship and family? It's so one sided, he sounds unbelievably selfish and pig headed. Is he worth it? Why does he think it acceptable to do near enough fuck all? You arent the house skivvy and taxi service but that's how he's treating you.

so many men seem to see their wives as some kind of domestic appliance it pisses me off

if my DH had a driving ban for drink driving, I would never drive him to the pub, never, ever, ever, ever.

Please leave. ItsADinosaur is so right.

You're doing it all on your own anyway, so you know you can be a single parent. You will manage. And you won't have anyone there to make you unhappy or to be disappointed in.

Hello,

I'm getting really tired of posting on these threads. Look at this section - there's thread after thread after thread about lazy entitled men getting away with murder.

I have some sympathy - I found myself in one with my ex and felt the same things, I hate and resent this situation, I love the man. What the hell do I do.

After years of it, my advice now is to think very hard about these men and whether they are worth it all. Sorry. But they don't change their ways, it comes from an inherent selfishness they managed to cover up for just long enough to get you 'trapped', OR it comes from a deep belief that these things just are womens jobs and why the hell are you complaining instead of doing it all like their mum used to. Either way - they don't change. They really don't.

You either have to agree to live this this and learn to like it, continue living like this in seething resentment, or give up and let them find themselves a new servant.

He isn't a good husband OR father. You are not seeing things clearly.

Think about how you would define a good husband and a good father. In what way does he measure up..?

" give up and let them find themselves a new servant."

do that, my exh is v happy now with a woman who is happy in the role of appliance. I certainly wasnt.