AIBU - husband piss taker?

[dopeydee]

Hi everybody

Need some suggestions & advice. I am newly married with a beautiful 9mth old baby boy. I returned to work full time in January and love my job. That's the good stuff.

I also have a lot of extras;

1. my husband is banned from driving, so I pick him up after I get the baby from nursery everyday, take him to the pub, I also have 2 step children, toddler & teenager who I do half the lifts for (mums do other half)
2. we have the toddler one weeknight & Saturday morning through to Sunday recently this has been extended to 4pm (the teenager intermittently as it fits in with his social life)
3. I do all the clothes washing, cooking ( often ready meals) and cleaning to a basic standard
4. we bought a house which needed complete renovation and since I have returned to work we can afford to finish renovations, this all falls to me to plan and do/arrange or nothing gets done

After all of this I have no spare time and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. To top it off my husband has remarked that I don't cook enough good meals and I am doing the renovations all wrong!!

The obvious things to do would be get some help from my husband, not forthcoming - lots of rows, or work part time but I love my job. The awful thing is that as I read this back I think leave him- in one fell swoop I remove most of the issues.

Has anyone got any advice? Similar situations? Should I issue an ultimatum? Just accept it?

Now we are just too exhausted/ arguing about everything.

I seriously doubt he's exhausted. He's getting a cushy life by not doing anything other than his day job, and 8:30 to 5:30 isn't long hours.

And genuine good fathers model good relationships to their children, not teach them it's okay to treat their partners as skivvies.

Well that was a big surprise when it was revealed that the driving ban was for drink driving....
I wouldn't be driving him to the pub - he can find his own way there (and back).
He sounds like a nightmare. What exactly does he do?
My ex was like that - self-entitled, arrogant manchild. Wanted everything his way and didn't even bother going to work for 2 and a half years of the 3 years we were together.
LTB - you are better off as a single mother that with that huge millstone hanging round your neck.

I just can't get past the fact he is a quantity surveyor who has short regular working hours, who then expects you to manage a renovation.

He's really done a number on you OP.

'To be balanced I should say that he is a good father to all three of the boys and a hard worker. Just a bit of a rubbish husband unfortunately.'

No, he's not. He's dickhead drunk driver. Why, why, why do so many women wind up with complete arseholes like this?

If you don't want to leave him, because he will never change, then yeah, accept being treated like a filthy doormat he wipes his feet on.

But go part-time so you can service this knobber even more? BIG mistake.

I think you've made enough of those already.

I know I sound like a push over, but I'm really not. I have skimmed the rows and shouting, the numerous conversations about this

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you are a push over. Despite all the rows etc it's still you who's giving way.

I couldn't live like you do.

I'm almost speechless.

How dare he leave the renovations to you and then tell you you're doing them wrong when he is a quantity surveyor!!

If you have a nine month old baby and he's got a toddler, then he left her really in the lurch, didn't he? If he used the same listening skills on her that he uses on you, then no wonder he was surprised when she got pregnant.

You could have a really lovely life without this idiot in it.

No she isn't a push over. She's just with someone who won't budge, puts his wants above everyone else and doesn't behave reasonably. You'll never get anywhere with anyone like this. He just doesn't care about what you want or your needs or the fact you are exhausted.

He doesn't want a wife. He wants a mother because he's a bloody (2 year old tantrum ridden) child himself.

Apologies - hormonal teenager would have been more apt than toddler given the taxi requirements...

You get what you settle for.
He mocks you when you try and discuss it with him. He is treating you with utter contempt.

He is a Quantity Surveyor on a stressful project that is over budget and over schedule. Works 8.30 - 5.30.

I'm not a Quantity Surveyor, but I've certainly known stressful work situations where we're working to a very tight timetable. In those situations I and my colleagues would never clock off at 5.30, let alone summon someone to take us to the pub: we'd expect to be coming in early and/or working late every evening to ensure that we meet the timetable.

Are you sure that this stressful project exists? And how long has it been going on for?

Dear OP,

I hear your pain. He is awful awful awful to dismiss your 'feelings'. I can guess that there is only one person's feelings that matter to him. It is shocking. I know you love him and you have a baby with him, but your he will not listen to your message. As a previous poster has said, he can hear you but he just doesn't care.

He is so utterly entitled and dismissive of you that it is slightly horrifying. I know you have only just started seeing the implications - the fact that you have posted a thread means that you are 'surfacing'. You must wake up. He won't get better. He thinks he's got you dancing to his tune. He will continue to refuse to listen to you. Even if your pain and protest and expressions of pain and protest escalate and get louder, he will merely put you down harder, be nastier and more scathing about your 'feelings'.

You've got a job OP. You sound really sorted. He is not a good father if he treats you like shit. It's about respect. And he has none for you. I would really seriously thing about ending your relationship. Sorry, but his behaviour towards you is pretty disgusting.

I have a theory that becoming a parent awakens a profound, hard-wired misogyny in some men... but that's another story...the misogynist in my XH roared into life the instant our first child was born. I still look back in bewilderment. And anger. You may be in a similar situation.

Update: we've had a discussion. He apolgised and said that I hadn't consulted him on a certain rennovation and "all" he wants me to do is cook him dinner, which apparently I should do as his wife. I explained that this is not my sole duty in life and that dinner time clashes putting the baby to bed. If he could do this then I could make a start on dinner and have it ready for when he comes down. He said no (as it can be time consuming), I said a lot of Dads do this and even used the example of SAHM husband above who cooks. Needless to say it escalated, he doesn't see what I do around the house anyway. I don't do a very good job cleaning. He has a very stressful job and the last thing he wants to do is chores (or anything) when he gets in. He even went as far as to suggest I had mental problems for complaining. So.... I told him the attributes he was looking for in a wife he would actually find in his mother where he is going to be staying from now on. He doesn't respect my feelings or care that I feel unappreciated (basically it turns out that he feels there is nothing to appreciate) and there is no future in this relationship. I have gone to bed.

Just need to follow through tomorrow, I will leave a bag of his clothes at his mums and instruct her to pick him up from work.

Thank you and goodnight x

Oh dopeydee I'm so sorry. He's telling you what he is. Please believe him. You are doing the right thing (although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it at the moment).

You deserve so much better and he deserves to be out on his ear x

Well done OP. The first day of the rest of your life and all that... Seriously, things will be so much easier for you as of now. No man child to look after, he can take care of his own children and you can focus on your baby and career. Good luck.

Christ so he didn't listen to a word you said ! What an absolute charmer.

Honestly op I'm not going to lie to you, being a single mum is not easy, I did it actually for some of the reasons you posted about your dh , the mocking about feelings, the lack of help , the disrespect. But not having to be around someone so draining is brilliant.

Good luck and stay strong

Sounds like your life would be considerably less stressful without him, because at the moment he is a burden not a support.
Well done for standing your ground .

based on your latest update

leave him.

If you can't do that then try to get some counselling yourself to figure out why you are accepting so little.

dopeydee, so glad youve kicked him out. He didnt even try did he. Just attacked

I'm so sorry to read about his shit response OP. Please stick to your word today. Wishing you strength.

Good for you. Some people do find it hard to accept constructive criticism on the spot, so you may find that when he calms down he sees your point. Don't accept anything less than a complete change in attitude and division of labour if you give him another chance, though.

Keep strong today, you have to follow up or things will get worse if you don't. Good luck and enjoy your freedom.

So he's not willing to help with the baby or cook dinner and then he has the cheek to complain about the renovations? Well done OP, time for him to go ....

this bloke is a piece of shit

I have been here in the past! You WERE me! I stayed until my ds was 3, and it was like being in prison. Please, please know that life is better without this shit in your life. I was actually child-minding all week and then working two 12 hour shifts every weekend (basically the equivalent of 60 hours of work a week!) and I was STILL expected to keep a spotless house and have dinner on the table. One day, I just took my son and walked out, and it was the best decision of my life.