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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - husband piss taker?

127 replies

dopeydee · 29/04/2015 14:43

Hi everybody

Need some suggestions & advice. I am newly married with a beautiful 9mth old baby boy. I returned to work full time in January and love my job. That's the good stuff.

I also have a lot of extras;

  1. my husband is banned from driving, so I pick him up after I get the baby from nursery everyday, take him to the pub, I also have 2 step children, toddler & teenager who I do half the lifts for (mums do other half)
  2. we have the toddler one weeknight & Saturday morning through to Sunday recently this has been extended to 4pm (the teenager intermittently as it fits in with his social life)
  3. I do all the clothes washing, cooking ( often ready meals) and cleaning to a basic standard
  4. we bought a house which needed complete renovation and since I have returned to work we can afford to finish renovations, this all falls to me to plan and do/arrange or nothing gets done

After all of this I have no spare time and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. To top it off my husband has remarked that I don't cook enough good meals and I am doing the renovations all wrong!!

The obvious things to do would be get some help from my husband, not forthcoming - lots of rows, or work part time but I love my job. The awful thing is that as I read this back I think leave him- in one fell swoop I remove most of the issues.

Has anyone got any advice? Similar situations? Should I issue an ultimatum? Just accept it?

OP posts:
sandgrown · 30/04/2015 07:06

Just wishing you the strength to do whatever you need to do. Flowers

CookieWarbler · 30/04/2015 07:09

OP please follow through. You can and will be able to cope as a single Mum (I was a single mum with a full time job from when my DD was just shy of 1).
You'll be able to please yourself and won't be running yourself ragged after a selfish arse who thinks women should be skivvies.
Your DS will grow up more stable having a happy, independent Mum with self respect rather than watching her being brow beaten by his Dad and thinking this is a normal relationship.
You've made the first important step, please don't lose your strength and momentum now. Keep posting. Flowers

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 30/04/2015 07:12

Oh and by the way, even if you had convinced yourself that you're the one who needs to compromise and cook more meals and clean a bit more (yes, that was me, and you sound a lot smarter than me, OP!) it will NEVER be enough, because he lacks respect for you. I was never good enough, I could have done this better, or that better, or I could do with losing a bit of weight, etc. etc. etc. These kind of men never, or hardly ever, change. There's a reason you are Partner #3.

dragonfly007 · 30/04/2015 07:31

Good luck with your new life, it may be rough for a while but in the long term it will be so much better x

WottaMess · 30/04/2015 07:32

Time to look out for you though. Get the financial records together, look at what bank ac you have, etc. he won't like where this is going, so be prepared with all the info.

Agree he's made his position clear. Hold that thought when you wobble. Single parenthood isn't easy but it might be easier for you!

suzannecanthecan · 30/04/2015 07:37

?
ReallyShock at your last post OP
Such naked and unapologetic male chauvinism in this day and age
How does he think he can get away with that!
You will thrive without him
He will not ?

Binkybix · 30/04/2015 07:39

Ok I take it back - no being a push over there! Good luck OP - you sound pretty sorted and I'm sure you'll be happier for this.

Limer · 30/04/2015 07:43

Well done Dopeydee and keep strong! Just read your thread with my heart sinking, then when I read the Update I did a fist-pump like Tim Henman.

You don't need this pathetic excuse for a man in your life (nobody does).

HenriettaTurkey · 30/04/2015 07:58

Well done for talking to him. I'm sorry his response was so disappointing. Well done for standing your ground!

OTheHugeManatee · 30/04/2015 08:10

Based on what you say he sounds like a pretty shoddy husband. I think you answered your own question in your OP I'm afraid.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/04/2015 08:14

Oh - just read your update. Well done for standing your ground. Don't let him whine his way back in. What an astonishingly entitled and unpleasant prick.

catsmother · 30/04/2015 08:15

"all" he wants me to do is cook him dinner, which apparently I should do as his wife

Why ? .... was that in your marriage vows ?

I explained that this is not my sole duty in life and that dinner time clashes putting the baby to bed. If he could do this then I could make a start on dinner and have it ready for when he comes down. He said no (as it can be time consuming)

Is his time more valuable than yours then ?

Needless to say it escalated, he doesn't see what I do around the house anyway

And you don't see what he does around the house either, largely because it appears he does the grand total of almost fuck all.

I don't do a very good job cleaning

Then bloody well do it yourself if your standards are so high.

He has a very stressful job and the last thing he wants to do is chores (or anything) when he gets in

Along with most people but stuff needs to be done - who died and made him Emperor ?

He even went as far as to suggest I had mental problems for complaining

Complete nasty bastard

So.... I told him the attributes he was looking for in a wife he would actually find in his mother where he is going to be staying from now on

Brilliant ...... was on tenterhooks reading your post until I got to ^ this bit. Bloody good on you OP !!!

He doesn't respect my feelings or care that I feel unappreciated (basically it turns out that he feels there is nothing to appreciate) and there is no future in this relationship

What an arrogant shite he is ..... am so sorry you're having to face up to the reality of what he's really like because no doubt, and not unreasonably, you'd have started your discussion in the hope you could get through to him - and his childish, pathetic, entitled and sexist response has shattered any last vestige of hope that deep down he's a decent man who actually does care for you. That's a hard blow .... especially when you're recently married and he'd have presumably made all the right noises about commitment, love and respect at that time.

But, although it's a cliché, it's better you find out what he's like (though obviously you had a pretty good idea) sooner rather than later, so you can make a start on the rest of your life. Which, however hard it might be as a single mum, will be so much better than remaining with him and having the life blood sucked out of you by someone so selfish.

Stay strong and good luck!

AbandonShark · 30/04/2015 08:21

Op, so happy to read your update, what a twat Angry

(Slightly irrelevant note, but if he's a quantity surveyor on an over-running over-budget project and he's finishing at 5:30.. well, then frankly he's a shirker both at home and at work. QSs in my family are lucky to finish at 7pm.)

I hope you have a lot less stress from now on, he sounds like an utter shit who only would have got worse Flowers

ohtheholidays · 30/04/2015 08:23

I am sorry things haven't worked out the way that they should.

But I do think your doing the right thing without a doubt!
I also really admire that your being so strong and are ending things now rather than letting it drag on for years and years.

You and your LO will be fine.I chose to become a single Mum,because my fiancee was worse than useless and I had 3 young children and was pregnant with my 4th DC.It was the best decision I ever made!

LowryFan · 30/04/2015 08:26

You are very well rid of him. Well done and please don't take him back.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 30/04/2015 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/04/2015 08:32

You've just dodged a bullet carrying a lifetime of misery! Stay strong and get rid.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2015 09:34

AF is as succinct as ever.

It's not a good out come but I am glad to read your update.
Please please please make sure you follow through today.
Do not take him back. He won't change. His responses to you are just unbelievable.

You will be sooooo much better off without this misogynistic twat in your life.
I'd like to say that words fail me but I can assure you I would find plenty of words to say this arsehole!

Well done and follow through!

TrollshaveLittleWillies · 30/04/2015 10:17

I hope you are ok Flowers

PoppyField · 30/04/2015 10:27

Well done OP. From your last post, it seems he gave you a nice tidy summary of all the reasons you should kick him out, and you did. Tidy.

It is still quite shocking and incredible that he really thinks he's right! I'm sitting here shaking my head with the barefaced cheek of the man. Your life will be easier without hiim.

Stay strong. You don't need him in your life.

Aermingers · 30/04/2015 10:28

Does he drink at home? Drink driving, going out to the pub, could he have a drink problem?

molyholy · 30/04/2015 10:54

Well done OP. Good luck with your new life, where you will not feel resentment or disrespected. Very strong of you Flowers

loveareadingthanks · 30/04/2015 12:52

" I told him the attributes he was looking for in a wife he would actually find in his mother where he is going to be staying from now on"

I cheered a little bit at this.

OP, you are going to be fine!

dopeydee · 30/04/2015 13:50

HELP! He says he won't leave. I own the house but I don't want this to get out of hand i.e court injunctions etc. It makes sense for me to stay as it is close to my work & sons nursery, I can finish the renovations. My parents are 45mins away and don't have room for me & baby plus all baby stuff. Do I have to go?

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 13:51

no you do not 'have to go' from a house that you own!

He has to leave.
Change the locks while he is out.

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