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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - husband piss taker?

127 replies

dopeydee · 29/04/2015 14:43

Hi everybody

Need some suggestions & advice. I am newly married with a beautiful 9mth old baby boy. I returned to work full time in January and love my job. That's the good stuff.

I also have a lot of extras;

  1. my husband is banned from driving, so I pick him up after I get the baby from nursery everyday, take him to the pub, I also have 2 step children, toddler & teenager who I do half the lifts for (mums do other half)
  2. we have the toddler one weeknight & Saturday morning through to Sunday recently this has been extended to 4pm (the teenager intermittently as it fits in with his social life)
  3. I do all the clothes washing, cooking ( often ready meals) and cleaning to a basic standard
  4. we bought a house which needed complete renovation and since I have returned to work we can afford to finish renovations, this all falls to me to plan and do/arrange or nothing gets done

After all of this I have no spare time and am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. To top it off my husband has remarked that I don't cook enough good meals and I am doing the renovations all wrong!!

The obvious things to do would be get some help from my husband, not forthcoming - lots of rows, or work part time but I love my job. The awful thing is that as I read this back I think leave him- in one fell swoop I remove most of the issues.

Has anyone got any advice? Similar situations? Should I issue an ultimatum? Just accept it?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/04/2015 13:55

How long have you been married?

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 13:58

in fact I am posting again because your last post made me irate!
DO NOT even THINK about leaving or he will try to keep the house. Stay firmly put!

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 14:00

remember has been there TWICE before, and might think third time lucky.

OnlyLovers · 30/04/2015 14:02

Yep, change the locks while he's at work. Send a bag of clothes to his mum's and refuse to engage.

Good for you, BTW. Mental problems. He's a wanker and he has shown you that loud and clear.

Original poster
dopeydee · 30/04/2015 14:03

Married 8 months. I don't think just locking the door is going to work...

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 30/04/2015 14:04

No, don't lock the door –change the locks!

Losingmyreligion · 30/04/2015 14:04

Isn't the house a marital asset? Feeling concerned for OP.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 14:05

look is the house in your name only?

Vivacia · 30/04/2015 14:11

She should not lock him out of his home and she should not move out.

OP please get legal advice before you consider locking him out. 8 months and the house was already yours? There's a good chance that he may not have rights to 50% of it.

You need professional advice and quick.

In the meantime you have to separate as much as you can. Start gathering evidence that you are not a couple - no shared bedroom, no doing chores for him etc.

ItsADinosaur · 30/04/2015 14:14

Don't leave! Don't do anything for him either. No chores, no cooking. Hopefully someone can help with some legal advice as that's what you need.

Idefix · 30/04/2015 14:14

Please get some legal advice Flowers

PatriciaHolm · 30/04/2015 14:46

Just because the house is in her name doesn't mean OP has the right to lock her husband out of the marital home, I'm afraid.

As others have said, you need legal advice, and quickly, if he won't leave voluntarily. The house, even if in one party's name, is an asset of the marriage and his home; he can't be thrown out just like that. He would be within his rights to break in if he is locked out, and no-one wants that. In the longer term, if the home was already hers, its a short marriage and she is the main child carer, odds are good that he will have little claim on the house; but for now, it's his home and he has as much right to be there as the OP.

Can you see a solicitor tomorrow, OP?

PoppyField · 30/04/2015 14:47

I second getting yourself along to see a shit hot lawyer (SHL). I think there is some difference re: assets split if your marriage breaks down in less than a year. Worth looking at. See if you get some advice today. On the phone even?

Definitely stay put. Good luck.

LoisPuddingLane · 30/04/2015 14:54

If he won't leave, just stop doing everything for him. No lifts, meals, washing, sex (obvs), and don't engage.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 14:56

Don't even think of leaving! Invest some money in a lawyer and tell them to do their worst.

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/04/2015 15:00

" Just because the house is in her name doesn't mean OP has the right to lock her husband out of the marital home, I'm afraid. "

It does make a hell of a difference though. The first question police asked me when they were called to my flat was 'whose name is on the tenancy agreement'.

ImperialBlether · 30/04/2015 15:03

She owns the house, she will be the resident parent, she's only been married for 8 months. Why the hell should she leave?

PatriciaHolm · 30/04/2015 15:10

Tenancy agreements are different. It's easier if the legal agreement with the owner of the property is just in one person's name and the person being asked to leave has no legal claim on the property (though even then they can claim a right to live in the home if married even if not on the tenancy agreement).

As the OP owns the home and they are married, then the home is an asset of the marriage and he has, potentially, rights to a share in it, and cannot just be thrown out without a court order.

Anyway; hopefully OP will take everyone's advice and get some specific legal advice. Best outcome all round I think, as we can't possibly know all the ins and outs of their specific situation and she needs personal advice.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 15:26

Get to a lawyer! And NO more doing FA for him. Zero! No chores. No cooking. Cook for yourself and hte baby. NOTHING for him. He buys all his own shit. No washing, no sex.

Do NOT leave your home. Not at all.

This guy is a world class cunt. There's a reason why he's had three long-term relationships that didn't work out with two other children.

NO more picking him up for FUCK. Not even his job. Nothing. He makes his own fucking way home from his job and to get more alcohol. His ban is not your problem.

Just completely pull yourself away from this utter arsewipe.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2015 15:28

If you are putting all your wages into a joint account, get to the bank, NOW. Open a new account in your own name and divert your wages in there. Today.

Theas18 · 30/04/2015 15:34

Stop taking him to the bloody pub!

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 30/04/2015 16:27

I have nothing more to add except:

LISTEN TO EXPAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Craftyjessicat · 30/04/2015 19:05

Get some legal advice, get your money into a separate bank account asap and if he won't leave call the police. Say you are splitting up, it's your house and he won't leave. Even though it is a civil matter they can and will/should come and remove him from the property for you because it will be classed as a domestic incident. Give them the whole story, not that I want to make you think of yourself as a victim but his verbal insults and belitttling of you is a form of abuse and for someone not as strong as you obviously are it could Have been the start of very controlling behaviour.

Get out and get out now.
Good luck and stay strong. (I also cheered when your update said you were leaving - it sounds silly but I am so proud of you!) :-)

WottaMess · 01/05/2015 07:37

Have you considered moving this to relationships? Lots of great advice there...

Mummyof2wifeof1 · 05/12/2018 14:54

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