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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interfering or nice gesture

139 replies

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 11:56

My lovely stbdil and ds are away and I am feeding the grand catsSmile. Me and dil get on very well, she's fabulous. Now there's a huge pile of ironing and a board set up in the spare room. All doors open not peeping! Not to put it away just to hang up.

Would love to do it for her, ds does the cooking, just to help her out.

Now would that be interfering? Or a nice gesture? Do not want in any way to offend her. Her own dm is dead so we are probably over compensating to take care of her. I would do this for my dds in a heartbeat but what do you think?

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 29/04/2015 12:37

My mil always folds my washing and cleans my kitchen (just putting away and organising my mugs) she is very kind and knows how vusy I am with toddlers and work etc :)

Original poster
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 12:38

That's interesting cactus shows it's such a personal thing.

Maybe the best thing to do would be to leave it this time but joke with her that I would have done the ironing but didn't want to be an interfering old bint.

Her reaction should show me her feelings about future help?

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 29/04/2015 12:39

I don't think you can infer that those who wouldn't want their ironing done, don't get on with their ILs. That's certainly not the case with me. My PILs are both excellent and I am really fond of them. But I'd still hate it if they, or my own mother, did my ironing.

justonemoretime2p · 29/04/2015 12:39

I think that the fact you made this thread shows that you can handle the situation if she is upset about it.
Do it.

Noteventhebestdrummer · 29/04/2015 12:39

Just text her and ask?!

TheSpottedZebra · 29/04/2015 12:40

That might work, Body. Or even ask genuinely, not jokingly whether that was a way that you could, d help out in future?

DoJo · 29/04/2015 12:42

Would love to do it for her, ds does the cooking, just to help her out.

Does this mean that this is the division of labour in their house - i.e ironing is her job and cooking is his? Couldn't quite work out why it would be helping her rather than both of them unless this is the case. Either way, it sounds like you're heart is in the right place so if your relationship is good then I can't see the harm.

Original poster
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 12:45

How about this text

'hi chikki hope you are both having a brill time. Cats are fine and thought spend an hour or so keeping them company this afternoon as not at work. Can't be watching the tv so can I do something. Your ironing? You know happy to help. Tell me if you think I am an interfering old bag. Ha ha. Love you both'

OP posts:
londonrach · 29/04/2015 12:47

Perfect body as light..... You i have you as second mil please x

Chchchchangeabout · 29/04/2015 12:47

I wouldn't like it

Original poster
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 12:48

Yes Dojo that's how they roll bless them. I always had to kick his arse at home to clean his room. She stands no crap and it's fun to see her cracking the whip. Grin

OP posts:
InYearAdmissions · 29/04/2015 12:49

Perfect text body, let us know what they say.

Kewcumber · 29/04/2015 12:50

I hate someone coming in tidying unexpectedly or rearranging stuff but weirdly I would be OK (thrilled even) with ironing!

Original poster
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 12:50

Ah london Grin

OP posts:
proceeding · 29/04/2015 12:50

I think do it, and I have a variable relationship with my MIL. In many ways I love her dearly, but we have very different views on everything from politics to childrearing to food to women working outside the home and these differences have become more stark since I reproduced.

I think if DIL does think she's being judged (and good Lord my MIL would be judging), she will hopefully also be sensible enough to think "and I really don't care as the ironing's done!"

I think if you say, "I would have done the ironing but didn't want to be an interfering old bint." even jokingly, that's even more judgey as it irks but there's no upside Grin.

Another one who would like you to come and do mine....and the living room could really do with a dust while you're at it Thanks

Noodledoodledoo · 29/04/2015 12:52

SylvaniansAtEase see I did have a friend who did this for me, so would not think twice about doing it for others. She also filled my fridge with food for when I got home.

I often do my sisters ironing for her when I babysit, ironic really as I used to pay someone to do mine but would do hers when I stayed!

I would love it.

irregularegular · 29/04/2015 12:52

I'd prefer you not to touch the ironing, sorry - whether you were my MIL, DM, or anyone else. But that probably says more about me and my relationships and insecurities than it does anything else. If you are at all wary I think it is probably safer to steer clear.

(actually in our house it is DH who does the ironing and I'm sure he wouldn't mind at all)

proceeding · 29/04/2015 12:53

Massive cross posts. Perfect text....although I'd say "no, no please don't put yoruself out!" and then there'd be a whole back and forth....

What about "I was keeping the cats company and HAVE done it." That way if she's raging, she has time to get over it and come and bitch to all of us about it before she sees you! Or else you get an extra nice present from their trip. Win-win I'd say.

Original poster
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 13:01

She's replied,

'You are an angel, shall I bring you back a gorgeous Spanish waiter or a huge bottle of perfume? GrinThank you thank you'

Off to do it now. Thanks so much for all the replies. Smile

OP posts:
proceeding · 29/04/2015 13:21

That's lovely. Enjoy!

TheEggityOddity · 29/04/2015 13:31

Just do it without the text and leave the note. Honestly I would appreciate it more if I could see you hadn't been looking in rooms at all but it depends on the person. I would be more thrilled at wine and some food in the fridge on return. If you did it you could always say you stayed to keep cats company a while and thought you may as well. I would also address to both, not your DIL as it is a favour to them, not her.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/04/2015 13:33

good call sending that perfect text OP and good result. Happy ironing!!

TheEggityOddity · 29/04/2015 13:35

Ah she sounds nice. Just shows what do we know eh?! Wink

HellRunner · 29/04/2015 13:39

To get to my spare room (even just to see if the door was open) would mean going up my stairs. I would wonder why someone who was there to feed the cats felt the need to go upstairs (whoever they were).i would hate it.

Oobis · 29/04/2015 13:43

Wow, what a lucky DIL you have :-)