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AIBU?

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Original poster

Interfering or nice gesture

139 replies

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 11:56

My lovely stbdil and ds are away and I am feeding the grand catsSmile. Me and dil get on very well, she's fabulous. Now there's a huge pile of ironing and a board set up in the spare room. All doors open not peeping! Not to put it away just to hang up.

Would love to do it for her, ds does the cooking, just to help her out.

Now would that be interfering? Or a nice gesture? Do not want in any way to offend her. Her own dm is dead so we are probably over compensating to take care of her. I would do this for my dds in a heartbeat but what do you think?

OP posts:
Songofsixpence · 29/04/2015 12:20

Definitely depends on your relationship.

My mum does stuff like that all the time, I'd be hugely grateful as the post-holiday washing mountain is bad enough

I'd die of shock if MiL did anything like that though. She's hugely critical, so knowing her, it would be meant as a bit of a dig but I'd just be grateful it was done

Februaryblue · 29/04/2015 12:20

I agree, I would love it. I think it is a really nice gesture

Original poster
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 12:20

Oh yes milk and bread definatly. Wink

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 29/04/2015 12:21

For me it would depend -
First, do I feel like MIL thinks I'm lazy and it's a veiled criticism?
If that's not an issue, then what's in the ironing pile? Shirts and bedlinen - fine. But I would not want to have MIL sorting through my underwear, we are not that close.

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 29/04/2015 12:21

If I'd left out the ironing board & ironing plus had left the door open then I think I'd be deeply appreciative.

My MIL would have to go hunting for my ironing and I would not like that at all.

Def check there is nothing personal in the pile and do not put it away.

Maybe you could leave a note to say all well with the cats, that you decided to keep them company for a bit, so did the ironing to occupy yourself?

SylvaniansAtEase · 29/04/2015 12:21

Ohhh reading other responses now maybe I'm giving you crap advice!!!

It's so personal isn't it.

Maybe just really THINK HARD about previous interactions and how well you know her and go with your instinct!!!

londonrach · 29/04/2015 12:21

Body. I know im so lucky hence why i was recently upset by the car situation we had in a pub car park that left my ill mil in an awful state. Saved by a mntter!!! Id say be careful re the smalls. Maybe leave them in the basket

sherbetpips · 29/04/2015 12:22

eeek I am guilty of such things, my SIL house can be a little mucky and I have to get the bleach out, I will often tackle one room at a time but I feel so guilty after doing it as I am basically saying as a guest 'i find your house so messy I have to clean it up'. the fact is I am OCD about cleaning and she isnt. She always says thanks but I have stopped doing it now as I fear she is being polite!

Conversely my MIL does the ironing if she sees any and I always thank her and am very grateful. I now hide the ironing though so she cant find it as I dont want her to think I deliberatley put it out for her!

Beachcomber · 29/04/2015 12:22

Depends on the relationship you have. I get on fine with my MIL but not famously and she once ironed and folded two loads of washing that I had left hanging up to dry when we went away. I didn't like it but maybe that was because it was upstairs in our bedroom and I felt weird about her folding my pants (nothing saucy just boring shorty cotton jobs).

If you get on well, do it in a neutral space (spare room or something) and make it clear that you aren't implying that she is a slattern then it is a kind thing to do.

SylvaniansAtEase · 29/04/2015 12:23

Actually yes - if you decide yes, have a flick through the pile first and if there's any underwear in there, leave the whole pile.

ImpishElf · 29/04/2015 12:23

I vote for no, would not like that...it would feel too personal. I would feel weird even if my Mother did it and we have a great relationship.

InYearAdmissions · 29/04/2015 12:24

I would love this.

But my own mum did my washing while DH and I were away and I was deeply embarrassed by this as she went through the laundry baskets and did the lot, not to mention putting handwash stuff in the machine. It was meant kindly but I felt she over stepped the mark but obviously didn't say anything to her other than thanks.

Ironing though I think ok, but don't put it away that would be too much I think as involves going into bedroom opening drawers etc.

EuphemiaCoxton · 29/04/2015 12:24

I would go mental.
I hate my Mil and hate the thought of her poking about my home when I wouldn't be there.

Tizwailor · 29/04/2015 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 29/04/2015 12:26

I have felt ILs, though lovely, have interferred/overstepped the mark a little in the past. I would not like it done for me, no.

I was upset to find when arriving home from hospital having just had DD2, they were at home minding DD1, that they were both in my bedroom dusting and vaccing.
I felt judged, and my privacy invaded. My bedroom is my most private space, not for others to see. They may not have intended that at all, but that is how I felt.
They however had been delighted to find both sets of parents in their new home when they arrived back from honeymoon, lighting the fire, cleaning and getting in some basic groceries etc for them. Different times maybe?

I am interested OP in your comment that ds does the cooking as this makes me wonder what this has to do with you and the ironing?? and whether you might be actually thinking 'goodness how can she be so behind in her household chores when she can't even be bothered doesn't even have to to cook for my DS'.

There are MILs like that, who root around in underwear and financial documents at every oportunity, you may not be one of them but it is so hard for internet strangers to tell which is which. Likewise your DIL might adore you, or she might do a very good show of putting up with you for the sake of her DH!

KoalaDownUnder · 29/04/2015 12:29

Oh fuck, I would be THRILLED.

(I don't have a MIL. I hate ironing.)

SoupDragon · 29/04/2015 12:29

Ironing I would be fine with.
Washing up, also fine.
Tidying and cleaning, however, would be too much for me.
everyone is different!

I agree that if there is anything at all contentious in the pile, you don't do it.

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 29/04/2015 12:30

This is what my Mum would do - whilst shes my Mum, she's also a MIL. Both my sisters DH, and my DP before he became XDP, loved her for it. A lovely, thoughtful gesture within a healthy loving family relationship.

Stealthsquiggle · 29/04/2015 12:30

I would love you for ever. When we lived near PIL and they house and cat-sat FIL would do random DIY jobs for us, and that would be a lot closer to the line than doing the ironing IMHO, but I never minded. Note & wine definitely a good idea.

When we stored some furniture in PILs garage while we sold our over full house I certainly didn't object that my GPs dining room furniture which I had inherited came back magically and mysteriously restored (FIL is a retired cabinet maker Grin)

Variousrandomthings · 29/04/2015 12:30

Yes but leave it in neat piles in the appropriate rooms. Don't put it away in drawers

Original poster
Bodyinpyjamas10 · 29/04/2015 12:31

Sylvanians not at all.thanks so much for your imput.

Euphemia am guessing though that you wouldn't give them a key or tell them you love them. She does both.

I think washing is more personal than ironing?

OP posts:
CactusAnnie · 29/04/2015 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/04/2015 12:32

Well as you get on well. I'd say it's a nice gesture.

QuintShhhhhh · 29/04/2015 12:33

As a DIL, I would love it. But hate you for it if you then moaned to your son that I did not thank you enough, prior to stomping about the house with tears in your eyes, ranting that you are taken for granted and that nobody loves you.

(Like my mil did. I thanked her. Just not enough - for ironing my childrens t shirts and my husbands shirts when we were visiting her)

InYearAdmissions · 29/04/2015 12:35

Yes def agree washing more personal, that was why I was so mortified!

Can you text and say, saw the ironing pile in the dining room, would you like me to do it as have some free time and more than happy to or something like that....

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