Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re DP's hobby?

139 replies

namechange0009 · 29/04/2015 10:21

Sorry this is going to be long and boring!

DP has a sport related hobby. He started it last year and has done really well so far, losing a lot of weight and getting very fit. He has done great and I'm pleased for him. He's starting to enter competitions this season and kept hinting at getting a coach to help him with his training sessions. This is costing £50pm which I agreed to as he's getting lots of support and a personalised training plan. We are on a tight budget but have been able to stretch to this, which I have no issue with.

Until now, he's been contacting his coach every day who has been getting back to him at about 7 or 8pm (he's very busy as he runs a business related to the sport) with his training for that night. It usually takes over an hour, and can be done indoors. This leaves me to cook tea, do the dishes etc near enough every night because he's usually not finished until at least 9. Then I'm not getting to bed until very late because of this. He's also expected to do the sport outside on a Sunday for 4/5 hours. I am a SAHM to a toddler who doesn't sleep through the night and I am exhausted. I do 90% of the housework. DP works full time. My only opportunity for some extra sleep is at the weekend when DP will take DD downstairs in the morning and I can sleep for a couple of hours more.

He's been saying for a while that his coach will be sending him a set plan to follow so he will know what he's doing each night. I was pleased about this as him finding out what session he's doing each night and starting so late really irritates me and makes my evenings difficult.

He's just sent me details of the plan and it goes like this:

Monday - rest day
Tuesday - no evening training as it can be incorporated in to his work day
Wednesday - evening training (at least 1 hour probably)
Thursday - same as Tuesday
Friday - evening training
Saturday - 2/3 hours outside and also a session inside
Sunday - 4/5 hours outside and inside session

Would anyone else have a problem with this? Usually when he goes out on a Sunday he will be adamant that he will be back by lunch time but the majority of the time he doesn't turn up back at home until at least 3pm and doesn't even contact me to let me know. I have been extremely supportive and reasonable the whole time he's done this and not complained. I didn't realise how much of a piss take the Sunday thing was until we visited the in-laws this weekend and he went out on Sunday, promised to be back for lunch time and turned up at 4pm. MIL was very angry with him and told me that if it was my SIL or any of her friends he would be 'carrying his head' (weird expression I've never heard!) and would not get away with it.

I don't have much of an issue with the training in the week as technically he will have free evenings on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but the Tues/Thurs are very weather dependant and often he will drive when he's promised he's not taking the car.

I replied to him saying 'so you'll be doing it both days on a weekend? What a piss take' and I don't know if it was an over reaction. I am generally quite laid back and we hardly argue. I just think at least he's doing something to keep him fit rather than going out on the piss like a few people I know.

I'd love to know other people's thoughts on this as I'm really not sure if I'm over reacting or not?

OP posts:
shewept · 29/04/2015 10:26

The mid week and one day at a weekend would not bother me. Both weekend days would. Is it both days every weekend, and for how many weeks?

It would bother me as it would stop any days out.

MonstrousRatbag · 29/04/2015 10:27

So, 2 evenings a week and then half a day (at least) on each day of the weekend?

Yes, it is unreasonable. In practice he won't really be involved in family life at the weekends at all. And what's more, you now have no leisure time. Two evenings a week he will have no input to chores etc and then you will have no time to yourself or with him at the weekend.

The other big problem I can see is that he is not consulting you about this, or asking it is ok. Even worse, he is giving his word and then not abiding by it re when he will be back and taking the car.

Probably you've been too accomodating so far. I think you have to have a proper talk about the whole thing. How long is he going to do this? What standard is he trying to reach (the training is likely to ramp up over time if he wants to carry on competing)?. Tell him what you want and need very clearly.

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/04/2015 10:29

God yes, that's a lot. Personally I'd see one evening and one weekend training session as a limit. Also, won't he constantly be exhausted? YANBU.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 29/04/2015 10:31

So when do you get your down time? Is the healthy lifestyle plan just for him because he works 'hard' all week. When do you get the opportunity to keep fit as well? More importantly when does your child get the opportunity to bond with his father? Those are the questions that I would be asking your dh if I were you. Massive puss take. You will crash with sleep deprivation at this rate.

Original poster
namechange0009 · 29/04/2015 10:32

Yes both days at the weekend, starting early. I think one day would be ok, as long he's actually back at the specified time and not turning up at 4pm without even letting me know.

The season runs until autumn I believe, then he will have to train over winter too for next year so it's never ending really.

I definitely think I've been too accommodating so far and he doesn't know how lucky he is. I may show him this thread. I would like to discuss it properly but I find it hard to articulate how I feel about it and why it's so unreasonable.

OP posts:
sparechange · 29/04/2015 10:32

Both weekend days is a bit much, but otherwise it is reasonable for a sport or hobby that someone is dedicated to

MsAspreyDiamonds · 29/04/2015 10:32

Piss take not puss take!

sparechange · 29/04/2015 10:32

Is this triathlon, by any chance?

Theycallmemellowjello · 29/04/2015 10:33

Maybe it would be best to raise it from the perspective of what help with cooking, looking after DC, other housework you need and what family time you want/expect, rather than saying how much time you want him to spend on the hobby? You sound like you're doing far too much as it is. Maybe if you came up with a plan where he cooked some meals, did some jobs?

Original poster
namechange0009 · 29/04/2015 10:34

Sorry pressed send too soon.

I'm trying to set up a business at the moment so have been allocated Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evenings for this. It's kind of a hobby (craft related) which I'm trying to make a bit of money out of. So no I won't have time to do anything for myself really.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange0009 · 29/04/2015 10:34

No not triathlon but close. sorry I'm being vague!

OP posts:
blue42 · 29/04/2015 10:35

As someone who trains every day, I think you're being very reasonable. He's giving over half your/his weekend to his sport.

blue42 · 29/04/2015 10:36

BTW, 4-5 hours is endurance, and probably not great for his health.

MarniRose · 29/04/2015 10:37

What is he doing? My DH is a golfer and plays to a high standard. It takes up one or two days every weekend more or less. The reason I don't mind is because the children are a lot older. If he was doing this with us having young children then it would be different.

Sometimes it's just not the right time in life to be taking up time consuming hobbies and maybe this isn't the right time for him

Original poster
namechange0009 · 29/04/2015 10:38

Also it's not just the training. He spends a lot of time sat on his phone or laptop looking up things to do with the sport and he talks about it a lot. I'm happy he's found something he's passionate about but I often feel like I'm at the bottom of the pile in his list of priorities.

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 29/04/2015 10:39

the weekday plan seems OK, the weekends take the piss though.

if you claimed the same amount of 'free time' for yourself at weekends you'd never see each other.

I'd be telling him that doesn't work for me or for our family life and ask him what he plans to do about that.

Original poster
namechange0009 · 29/04/2015 10:41

Sorry I've been trying to keep it vague so it's not too identifiable but it may help to know what it is. It's cycling. He's started in the bottom category for racing this year and wants to work his way up. Also there may be a race possibly once a month which will take up a whole day as it will involve travelling to wherever the race is. I can't really go with him because I don't want to drag dd with us.

OP posts:
IslandMooCow · 29/04/2015 10:41

I live in a "triathlon family" and this sounds very similar. I would advise agreeing some guidelines now as you'll potentially end up spending very little time together. Races will get longer, training will take up more and more time, and to be honest it all gets a bit sad as there is no time or energy for your relationship or family life.

shewept · 29/04/2015 10:41

I go to the gym for about 1.5 hours a day, during the week. Usually early and back for the school run, but never on weekends. Because that's our time as a family. We always do something active, because I am training for an event later in the year.

I do think he is being unreasonable. When taking up a hobby, you can't expect your family to be relegated on a permanent basis.

Original poster
namechange0009 · 29/04/2015 10:44

Thanks for the replies by the way. I'm glad I'm not being a horrible bitch about it.

OP posts:
TheMagnificientFour · 29/04/2015 10:45

Yep you have been too accomodating! His sport has now taken the precedence over you and your family.
I would be asking him if he wants to spend time with you or his children as he is planning to never be there.

Doing something once in the weekend is fine btw but NOT if it is a full day thing (it is if he is coming back in the iddle of the afternoon with 2 young children in the house).
Saying he is taking the piss is an understatement.

IslandMooCow · 29/04/2015 10:46

We also used to cycle. It's almost worst than triathlon as to improve there need to be so many hours on the bike. It's nice if you can ride together sometimes, but since we had children that's not possible. I've cut back, but my husband is obsessed. It can be a very selfish sport. Also it is very expensive. To succeed every second counts, so kit always has to be updated, disc wheels, aero helmets, skin suits etc etc. Beware!!

ItsADinosaur · 29/04/2015 10:46

I think HIBU. Where is your equal downtime? He's taking up most of his free time with this hobby. Nothing wrong with having a hobby but when it eats into most of his free time and leaves you alone with a toddler for the majority of the time then it's not acceptable and quite selfish. Yes he is taking the piss. And it's convenient that he can just bugger off as you're at home. You are not over reacting.

TheMagnificientFour · 29/04/2015 10:47

Agree with Island, if you don't put some guidelines in place NOW it's just going to be worse and worse until you never see him again (and he will resent you for 'stopping' him doing something he enjoys)

coppertop · 29/04/2015 10:47

Hobbies are supposed to fit in around everything else, not the other way around.

The 'I'm alright Jack' attitude would annoy me as much as the number of hours being taken up.