AIBU re DP's hobby?

[namechange0009]

Sorry this is going to be long and boring!

DP has a sport related hobby. He started it last year and has done really well so far, losing a lot of weight and getting very fit. He has done great and I'm pleased for him. He's starting to enter competitions this season and kept hinting at getting a coach to help him with his training sessions. This is costing £50pm which I agreed to as he's getting lots of support and a personalised training plan. We are on a tight budget but have been able to stretch to this, which I have no issue with.

Until now, he's been contacting his coach every day who has been getting back to him at about 7 or 8pm (he's very busy as he runs a business related to the sport) with his training for that night. It usually takes over an hour, and can be done indoors. This leaves me to cook tea, do the dishes etc near enough every night because he's usually not finished until at least 9. Then I'm not getting to bed until very late because of this. He's also expected to do the sport outside on a Sunday for 4/5 hours. I am a SAHM to a toddler who doesn't sleep through the night and I am exhausted. I do 90% of the housework. DP works full time. My only opportunity for some extra sleep is at the weekend when DP will take DD downstairs in the morning and I can sleep for a couple of hours more.

He's been saying for a while that his coach will be sending him a set plan to follow so he will know what he's doing each night. I was pleased about this as him finding out what session he's doing each night and starting so late really irritates me and makes my evenings difficult.

He's just sent me details of the plan and it goes like this:

Monday - rest day
Tuesday - no evening training as it can be incorporated in to his work day
Wednesday - evening training (at least 1 hour probably)
Thursday - same as Tuesday
Friday - evening training
Saturday - 2/3 hours outside and also a session inside
Sunday - 4/5 hours outside and inside session

Would anyone else have a problem with this? Usually when he goes out on a Sunday he will be adamant that he will be back by lunch time but the majority of the time he doesn't turn up back at home until at least 3pm and doesn't even contact me to let me know. I have been extremely supportive and reasonable the whole time he's done this and not complained. I didn't realise how much of a piss take the Sunday thing was until we visited the in-laws this weekend and he went out on Sunday, promised to be back for lunch time and turned up at 4pm. MIL was very angry with him and told me that if it was my SIL or any of her friends he would be 'carrying his head' (weird expression I've never heard!) and would not get away with it.

I don't have much of an issue with the training in the week as technically he will have free evenings on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but the Tues/Thurs are very weather dependant and often he will drive when he's promised he's not taking the car.

I replied to him saying 'so you'll be doing it both days on a weekend? What a piss take' and I don't know if it was an over reaction. I am generally quite laid back and we hardly argue. I just think at least he's doing something to keep him fit rather than going out on the piss like a few people I know.

I'd love to know other people's thoughts on this as I'm really not sure if I'm over reacting or not?

Island yes I know all about that. It's gone from a £300 bike, to upgrading all the bits on said bike, to a £1.5k carbon fibre bike, with another £500 on a winter training bike. Also all the best kit etc. Its just insane.

He is being unreasonable but from having 2 DDs who were involved in martial arts at high level it seems to be that coaches have a problem recognising that for their clients sport is a hobby not a profession.
If your DP can volunteer to take the toddler with him on one of his training sessions at the weekend - eg run pushing the buggy or walk to the supermarket and then back with the shopping for weight training then I might think there was more room for compromise.
Alternatively if he can do weekend sessions v early morning and late at night then this might not impact on you so much but then I suspect he would have no energy for the rest of the day!

I just knew this would be cycling.

My Dh has been into this for years. It's caused an awful lot of tension arguments, shall we say, over the years. You have my sympathy.

It's a piss-take that he gets to dedicate the weekend to his hobby. What about your chance to relax? And what about your time as a couple?

A few evenings a week is fine, but not both weekend days. DP a few hours an evening on his hobby (maybe 3-4 times a week) and one full day at the weekend. I work that day so it has no impact on me, and he comes home at a decent time so we have the evening together.

I think 3/4 evenings a week plus half a weekend day is reasonable, so you can get half a day to yourself and spend another day as a couple/family.

Suggest he does early mornings (Sunday is lovely and quiet). However, he then has to step up to being "good Dad" and let you have some free time too. Most importantly no grumpiness is allowed! He will be shattered after some of the long rides so will have to make an effort to be patient with the little ones. It's not fair if they only see the worst of him as all his energy and enthusiasm is left out on the bike.

If you go out for the day, he could do his long ride by cycling over to meet you. Thinking outside the box does make things a bit more possible if you all work together.

Agree with others on the basic acceptable limits re gaining times but a something which occurred to me re race days - could you and dd go with him to wherever it is and find something cool/fun to do in the close-by area? Kind of use it as an excuse to explore the country & different areas & activities, whilst still being there to cheer on dh at start & finish? You could make a few unexpected adventures! Have you and dd tried geocaching - aka treasure hunts?! Would be awesome for this, plus you could covertly add your own 'treasure' to the cache (small sweets or toys) to keep dd's interest if she's still young; this works for my dd (2.2yrs)! :)

Meant training times, obviously! :)

you know you're not being unreasonable when even the MIL thinks he's taking the piss!

He is putting his wants and needs before the family's

that is the problem.

You can now never really do anything at the weekend, can you?!

He is being selfish.

Unless he is going to be winning medals for this sport, it's way way too much of your family time. Leaves you no opportunity for days out, or you to have a hobby. I would be very cross about this. If he can't see this is massively unfair then he's an enormous tosser.

Could he not do the long runs at the weekend really early. I go out at 6.00 am in the week for an hour as this is the only time I can fit them in. If he went out at 6:00 am he would be back by 10:00 so in theory could still have family day out from 11:00

Name

Island and silver thanks for the suggestions, I'd not thought of that actually. I passed my driving test last year so I can now use the car to meet somewhere or do something with dd in the area. She's only 16mo and a non-walker so not sure if she's too small for geocaching but I downloaded the app a few weeks ago.

Can he take the toddler on a bike seat/ trailer for the shorter weekend ride?

He also needs to get up earlier on the weekend to be back in time to meet family commitments.

You need to sit together and agree the time he is "allowed" - then this needs to be given to coach to make a plan that fits this time.

I love cycling, but only got in one long ride at the weekend (but I did build this up to 7hrs training for a specific long event) -haven't cycled in months now due to house move (husband been all weekend every weekend constructing new house, me been all weekend 2 toddlers).

I don't see why his evening turbo means you go to bed late? Also can he get up and do an early morning turbo to minimize impact on you?

Is there anything you'd like to do evenings weekends? To try make a balance. When Dc no 2 was about 4 months I was training for a long bike event, and they wouldn't take a bottle, my DH would drive out to an en route cafe with DC 2 and toddler DC1 so I could breast feed the baby!

Now we are busy with this house move I feel quite bereft from cycling, but i was only really doing a couple of evenings and one weekend day. I was totally dependent on his support - and appreciated it.

googoodolly can I ask,
with your organisation where it's OK to be out of the house 3/4 evenings a week and then 1/2 day per weekend, when do you actually spend any time with your partner?
I mean starting from the principle that if one person can get as much time for themselves, then surely the other partner should do too.
That means 3/4 evenings for the OP to do what she please AND the same amount of money to spend on herself.

I'm struggling to see how this is manageable both time wise (there isn't 6 to 8 days in a working week) and financially (the OP said it was a stretch to do it in the first place).
And then what sort of time do you actually spend as a family? 2 afternoons at the weekend, so a couple of hours at best? That's not what I would call quality family time either.
The reality is that, if a woman was doing the same and spending so much time outside the house for her own pleasure, it wouldn't be accepted. Nor should it be from a father.

My DH does his cycling on weeknights in summer. It's light late enough.
He also goes out early in Sunday to avoid the traffic so rides 7-10am so it doesn't eat into the day too much and on Saturday morning he takes ds and I get s lie in and a run.
I think the schedule is a starting point and now you and he need to asses it with his family commitments and feed back to the coach what does and doesn't work.

Oh God just spotted it's cycling. I've got a friend who trots round the UK with her DH while he races, freezing her arse off on the sidelines being 'supportive'. All of their money goes on racing gear, hotels to stay over the night before a race, a new car to accommodate all the shit he needs to take to each race, a trip with his race buddies to Barcelona to acclimatise for a race in Europe next month etc, etc, it's never ending.

He's massively taking the piss. How much time do YOU get to yourself?? What is he contributing to the relationship??

Cycling is time consuming. My Dh goes out very early at the weekends now it's light - out by 7.00am - could he do that? He'd be back by 10.

Id be saying "Saturday AMs are my lie in day, and Sunday is for us all to do something as a family, at least til teatime, so you best let your Coach know that plan is no good"

He could cycle to work and back every day - that'd get his hours in.

Name I agree about trying to make the best out of the situation up to a point but be aware that when you do that wo any limits, you will end up spending all your weekends following DH, trying to find a way to entertain the dcs whilst he is on a jolly.
You won't get a break from looking after the dcs. You won't have any time to do something for yourself either because his hobby will always take priority.

I'm saying that with a DH who also had some very time consuming hobbies and thought that he was taking precedence over everything else. And then as someone who is chronically ill and cant do the activities that DH wants to do (with or wo the dcs).
Saying that you are trying to make the best out of it all the time means you will be the one to make all the efforts and allowances. And aftre a while you will resent it. (speak from bitter experince there)

The problem though is that there are medals to be won. And cups and trophies. Winning those and beating the clock become all consuming.

I can't think of many weekends that haven't been sacrificed for cycling. Certainly we never seem to have much family time on a Sunday like other people do. I've just given up arguing about it these days.

Now the dc are older at least I'm not left looking after toddlers, so can relax more myself. But yes, as someone said earlier it's a very selfish sport. My ds is now in to it too and does very well. I'm proud of his achievements of course, but now they both disappear off for ages.

It's just not something you can dabble at. Either it's full immersion or not at all

My MIL thinks her son is insane, but it doesn't stop him! The worst thing is that he only followed me into triathlon when we got together, but it's like an addiction now.

You must agree both finance and hours training that work for you both. This has caused a huge strain in our marriage and it's such a shame really as I love the sport but I would never put it before our family. Sadly my husband does. I wish you luck.

Right I've had a reply from him saying he's spoken to his coach and the Saturday is now a turbo session in the morning and one in the evening. He will take dd in the morning on a Saturday so I can get a lie in then do the session when I get up. I can live with that.

He's meant to get up really early at the weekend to ride but never bloody wakes up in time!! I'll be insisting he's out of the house for 7 on a Sunday otherwise it's tough and he's got to do a shorter ride.

Apparently he can't do evenings outside through the week as the training is very specific and he would need a flat route. We live in an extremely hilly part of the UK, so he'd have to travel a fair few miles just to get to somewhere flat.

So he is planning to leave you on a Saturday evening with the dcs too?

And to be away most of the Saturday as per his Sunday?

And you will gain ... a lie in on a Saturday for a couple of hours.

but he can't be bothered to get up early to his sessions in the am so you can have some time together.

Right .....

I would not be happy at all.

My DH used to play football on a Saturday and cricket on a Sunday but as soon as DS came along he stopped as he knew that a) the weekends were the only time we see each other as a family and b) the only chance I get of a rest is when he gives me a break over the weekend.

DH still goes to the gym three times a week but two of these occasions are before he goes to work (he leaves the house at 6am) and the other time is one night in the week after we have put DS to bed.

I'm shocked that your DH thinks his behaviour is ok and also that he's willing to spend so much time from his family, especially his children

If he commits to this then I see a lot of resentment occurring and over time a sense of being in a disjointed family and no longer a Team.